"Lane. Lane. LANEEEEEE GET UP DUMBASS!!!!"
[thump]
"Ughhhhh."
"Hurry up and get changed, boss said he has something important to tell us in an hour and a half."
"Yes yes Simi."
I will kill her one day.
"Also clean your room."
"Yes, yes I will Simi."
"Also stop thinking about killing me."
"No no Simi, for you who has ruined my chances of living a peaceful life, in a nice modern elegant house, with maids that have a nice circular buttocks, its the least I could do for -"
she already left
As you may have heard, I am Lane. A 20 year old Introverted gamer that's a virgin by choice, and the red headed bitc- woman is Simi, my co-worker/childhood friend/daughter of the devil who forced me into this dangerous line of work by making me sign her stupid ass dad's contract in middle school that said, "work for me and lots of older woman and money await you NOW! *wink*." Of course I did the most rational thing a middle school boy would do and signed the contract, I still await the two things promised to me but I have yet to give up hope... a tear runs down my face.
As I make my way towards the lounge area, Nol, who is our informer and guide during missions decides to happily greet me.
"Hello Lane!"
"Why are you happy."
"What could u possibly mean Lane hahaha."
For someone like Nol to greet me as happily as he did, someone who is just like the devilish Simi, can only mean one thing...
[Ring,Ring,Ring]
"Ah, darling I was just going to call you, I thought maybe we could HANGOUT! and go SHOPPING! for stuff we could bring to our VACATION! that we're going on by OURSELVES!"
I will kill him one day, this fucking traitor.
"Hmmm? you wanna bring your friend shopping as well, oh? she doesn't want to feel left out so she asks if you have a male friend, well of course I got one, we'll be at the mall in 20 minutes love you booboo bear byeeee."
You shall be spared.
"Thank you the almighty great Nol, I pray you shall have an everlasting relationship with this woman."
"Lane I expect you to be on your best behavior, don't make my girlfriend question who I'm friends with."
"Well of course great friend of mine, I'll be on my best behavior."
-----------
"... Fuck you"
"hmmm?"
"Oh he just said thank you for introducing him to your beautiful friend darling."
"No fuck you bo-"
Nol whispers to me.
"What did I say you dumbass."
As you may have guessed, I was put into one of the situations you would call 'taking one for the team.'
"Nol, I thought you were better than this... You need to die..."
"Lane I'm sorry, I feel so... GREAT AHAHAHAHAH-"
"Hello Nol's girlfriend, what is your name."
"uhhh Nalla."
"Nalla very nice name indeed, but Nalla did you know that Nol HAS A URINARY TRA-"
Nol covers my face.
"BWCT INWEC BTRTTION."
"Ahahahah yes a urinary track record is what Lane is trying to say, anyways just wait here a second while I call him a Huber, I think he's just a little bit cranky today, Nalla's friend would you like his number I think he really took a liking to you so it would mean alo-"
"No, he's ugly asf."
hm? did this pig really call me ugly hmmmmmmm hmmmmmmmmmm.
"Oh shit, on second thought lets go shopping another day Nalla hahahaha, gotta make sure he gets home safe you know how the world is nowadays."
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"Nol do you have something to tell me?"
"What? no of course not sweetie I would never hide anything from you anyways cya!"
"Nol... do you like men..."
-----------
"Oh you guys are back early we still have thirty minutes left until the meeting."
"Simi prepare his Staystation five and wintendo flip now, along with some snacks and drinks, I'll lock him down in his room."
"Roger."
-----------
"Oh Yumiko, you know I wouldn't cheat on you with Sakura, you were my first choice since I laid my eyes upon you, plus you have bigger boobs hehehe."
"Is he playing that dating sim again."
"Yes."
"Sigh."
-----------
After a productive thirty minutes of my time I start walking toward the meeting room to see why the boss, or should I say Simi's dad has called upon us. He is a very overwhelming man just like his daughter, giving us very perilous tasks no other spy or assassin can fulfill. That is why us three, me the assassin, Simi the spy, and Nol our guide and informant are considered the Pear Pals... what the fuck does that even mean.
"Sir if I may so humbly request we have a name change."
"No."
"Understood sir."
Stingy ass old man AHHHHHHHH!
"Hello Pear Pals, as you could have probably guessed, I called you here today to discuss the details of a very important mission and something that's very dear to my heart."
Wow, It really must be serious... I've never seen the boss act like this.
"I want you to teach at the school Startta Sin for 3 years."
Huh.
"With all do respect father our job is not to teach little children."
Whisper, Whisper, Whisper.
"Deal."
"That's not fair, I would like a deal too boss."
"Hmmmm, I could give you every game and console you could think of."
"With all do respect sir I have no need as I can just steal them."
"Then what about lots of older woman and mon-"
"Deal."
Although I feel like I'm getting myself In another trap who is to say he isn't lying this time. I could always just steal the money from rich designer brands but I cannot steal older woman, that is a crime, therefore it is a deal worth taking.
"What about you Nol? what would you like."
"Nothing sir, I have recently attained everything I had wanted in life and I'm grateful you have given me this opportunity sir, although I regret to inform my girlfriend about having to cancel our trip, however I will still be able to hear her voice so no matter."
"I'm glad to hear that Nol, you guys will be dropped off at the Island tomorrow morning so start packing all your things and say everything you would like to everyone you're close with."
"Sir, In this day and age there is a item called a smartphone, why would we need to say goodbye like we are leaving forever?"
"Oh I forgot to mention, phones on the island are only able to communicate with other phones that are also on the island."
...
"SIR YOU MUST LET ME STAY HERE."
"Do not worry boss me and Simi will make sure he gets on the plane, we will bag him if we must."
"Very well, Dismissed."
-----------
"NALLA, OH MY NALLA WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT YOU WAHHHHHHHH!"
"Lane don't you kind of feel bad for Nol, he just got his first girlfriend and now he must leave her."
"No fuck him."
"Ur right."
"NALLAAAAAAAAAAAA!"