“Sir Martin isn’t a general,” Bri whispered as she pulled her head closer to mine.

“You’re acting like he can hear us right now,” I scoffed. I pulled the two of us into a deserted hallway. The freshly polished, marble tiles reflected our faces back at us. “And I’m not dumb. I know he’s ‘Grand Admiral’ or whatever stupid title he had before that.”

“Then why would you call him something different?” Bri asked.

“It really gets under his skin.” I raised my hand like I was telling her a grand secret. “And there is nothing I would like to do more than piss off, General Martin.”

“Why would you want to do that?” She said, pulling away. “How do you even know him in the first place? Why would he want anything to do with someone like us.”

I shrugged and started walking down the hall. My footsteps echoes and the light from crystal windows scattered rainbows all around. Student artwork and math problems decked the walls as well as old fashioned photos, printed out of each graduating class. Each child had wide, bright eyes and a grim expression. I wondered, idly, what they did with my class’ portrait one I got convicted. Surely, they couldn’t have kept it up for everyone to see. I think I smiled in it, anyway, so maybe it never made it onto the walls.

“To tell you the truth,” I said. “General Martin is the worst man on this entire space station, and that’s a fact.”

“What’d he do?” Bri asked as she pulled me back by my sleeve. The ancient librarian, Mrs. Hershenwilder, trudged past on an adjoining hallway. She carried a stack of books taller than she was and he back hunched over like a pangolin. She would have yelled at us for sure, but she didn’t seem to see us at all.

“He kills Xorosians indiscriminately,” I said, forging ahead. “He doesn’t care that they were here first and that we’re invading almost everything about their way of life. Frankly, I don’t think it’ll be long before they…he decides to invade the planet soon.”

“But the Xorosians are evil,” Bri said simply. I forgot we hadn’t been able to make that particular discovery together.

“I mean…not really. They’re has evil as humans are. I’m sure some of them are bad and some of them are good, but most of them are probably just….normal, you know?” I raced forward so I wouldn’t have to stand infront of the glass walls of the Lower School office for too long. Though, when I looked out of the corner of my eye, there was no one in there, save for a confused looking little boy.

“That’s silly,” Bri said, “Papa says they can barely control themselves and that they’re only a little more sentient than an animal.”

“That’s not nice,” I turned around and stared at her. “Besides, what can your papa know? Have you ever seen a Xorosian before? Because I’m actually 26 years old and the first time I saw them was when I was sent to kill them. Does that seem okay to you?”

I could see the wheels turning in Briseis’ head. She was a girl ruled by logic, pure and simple, and I knew that it wouldn’t seem okay to her.

“No, you’re right. I guess I can’t really say if they’re good or bad until I’ve seen one,” she said.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover,” I huffed.

I skulked around a corner until I saw the guest office that speakers often stayed in before they gave a presentation. It was big and wide and full of windows that looked over the Rose Courtyard. With its high ceilings and thin doors, it didn’t do much to muffle the sounds of whoever was speaking inside.

“Are you really sure this is a good idea?” Bri asked. “It seems like this is the type of thing that would have consequences.”

“It’s a dream, there are no consequences,” I said. “Besides, I’m not going to do anything that depraved. I just wanna steal his notes and watch him flounder at the podium later.”

“I guess…”“We can be in and out super fast, and then we can get some snacks from the dining hall.” That day, they had apples and honey, but back then, I hadn’t been allowed to have any on account of my bad behavior.

“I guess…” Bri said again. “I think we should definitely wait until she leaves, though. She sounds weird…”

“She?” I asked, and turned my attention towards the cracked door.

A low, rumbling laugher filled the room like it was projected on a loudspeaker. “Thank you for the coffee,” General Martin said. “You look beautiful today.” I could hear his heavy hand run over the fabric of someone’s dress. I didn’t want to look because I knew what he did to women.

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“Oh, thank you,” my mother’s voice said. “I just finished sewing it last week.”

“No,” whispered and closed my eyes.

“Your stichwork is exquisite,” General Martin said. His fingers ran over the hem of some part of my mother’s dress. “I wouldn’t have been able to tell it was made out of grain ration bags.”

“I was very fortunate to receive a stipend for quality fabric this month,” my mother said. The light, delicate, fake pitch of her voice painted a vivd picture of her in my mind. Her head was bowed. Her hands were clasped. She did not dare look General Martin in the eye.

“Mm, I know you did,” General Martin purred. “I take care of my girls when I can.”

“No,” I whispered again, rubbing the bridge of my nose. I should be able to change this. He wasn’t involved with my mother until I went off to college, I’m sure of it. There was no stipend for good fabric. I would have known. She would have made me a shirt.

“Thank you, Jupiter,” my mother said.

“I think we should go,” Bri cut in, surprising me by speaking into my ear. “I don’t think we’re supposed to see things like this.”

“No,” I said. “It’s just a dream and he can’t hurt us in a dream.”

“Cressida, I’m really scared.” Briseis gripped my bicep hard between both of her hands. If this were anything else, I would have expected there to be bruises in the morning.

“I’ll protect you,” I said. Maybe this is what my brain really wanted right not; to be able to play out a fantasy I never got to. I could save my best friend and my mother all in one fell swoop. Then, none of this would have ever happened.

Against my better judgement, I positioned myself so I could see through the crack in the door. General Martin’s dark, unbound hair cascaded over his shoulders in thick, well cared for waves. We wore the Navy’s ceremonial uniform, complete with brass buttons and white pants. My mother wore a dress of star patterned cotton cloth. I watched, in silent horror, as he leaned over my motherand rubbed his thumb over her cheek.

His stupid, fucking white pants left nothing to the imagination. With two steps forward he pinned my mother to a writing desk.

“I don’t think…” my mother tried to say. “This is my daughter’s school. I couldn’t possibly…”

“Nonsense,” General Martin growled. “You’re here and you’re beautiful. Why shouldn’t we do what you want.”

“Please,” she said. “I don’t—”

“You want Cressida to be happy here, don’t you?” Lust and venom dripped from his mouth in equal measure. “Doesn’t that seem like a fair trade?” He cooed as he caressed my mother’s face. “I can make her very happy and you can make me very happy.”

The veiled threat was obvious, even to Briseis.

“Is that you mom?!” She asked in disbelief.

I didn’t have the heart to answer her. I only watched as my mother swallowed and plastered a serene, placid smile across her face.

“Of course,” she said. “Anything for you.” I could have sworn in the half a second, he eyes met mine through the crack in the door.

General Martin kissed my mother as I watched. His open mouth and probing tongue made wet noises we could even hear in the hallway. His hands almost entirely encircled her waist and he placed her on the desk with ease.

The only time both his hands weren’t on my mother was when he took off his belt and draped it over the back of a chair. His ceremonial sword and real gun clanged against each other.

I moved without thinking of anything else.

“Cressida! No!” Briseis shouted, but she followed me inside anyway.

I lunged for the belt and grabbed the gun. It was a real gun, with real bullets that shattered flesh and muscle and bone rather than just destroy the cells. The entire room stood stone still. My mother looked at me with wide, panicked eyes. Confusion was written plainly across her face and she raised a hand in a futile attempt to stop me.

“What are you doing with my mother!?” I screamed. I was surprised to hear such a jagged, desperate voice come out of my eight year old body.

“Little girls shouldn’t touch things they don’t understand,” General Martin scoffed as he unbuttoned his pants.

“Stop it!” I ran forward and pressed the gun to the underside of his chest, since that was the highest place I could reach.

“Cressida, please—” my mother tried to say.

General Martin laughed.

“I said stop!” I was half yelling at him and half yelling at myself to make this nightmare end. “You aren’t allowed to touch my mother!”

“Oh, aren’t I?” He said, a bemused smile playing across his lips. He grabbed her between her legs and leaned down so I could press the gun into his forehead. “In case you forgot, little girl, I own—”

General Martin didn’t get to finish that sentence because I shot him in the head. I missed the center, but shattered his eye socket and destroyed the side of his face. Both my mother and Bri started screaming, but General Martin didn’t make a sound.

He blinked at me.

At first I thought it was just my own brain playing tricks on me, but he blinked at me. Then, he grabbed for my throat.

As General Martin tried to strangle me, by mother threw herself at him. She was so thin and so frail, but she didn’t stop trying to hit him or scratch him or something, until he managed to kick her away. It was so strange feeling my breath me stolen in my own dream. Even though I could still hear Briseis screaming and crying, everything seemed to fade into a black, staticky blur.

General Martin laughed and I would have laughed too. The sheer ridiculousness of this entire concept was enough to bring me to tears.

I knew I had to wake up, but had apparently forgotten how to do it. The only thing other than pain that I could feel was guilt. Even if it wasn’t real, my mother and Briseis had to watch this man choke the life out of me and there wasn’t a think either of them could do about it. I don’t even know where the gun ended up. I must have dropped it when he lunged for me.

The strangulation lasted far longer than I thought it would. I guess that made sense if my body wasn’t actually losing air. Everything ended with a faint pop that I only barely noticed at the edge of my senses.

“It’s okay,” I heard two voices mutter in unison. It must have been my mother and Bri. It couldn’t have been anyone else. “We’ll get you to a doctor. We’ll take care of you. We—”

***

I woke with a gasp and bright, sterile lights burning my eyes.

We love you.

They had to tell me that they loved me. I haven’t heard those words in almost decade and a half.

I carelessly grabbed at the tubes that were connecting my arm to some machine.

“Fuck you!” I screamed, voice raw and vicious.

I yelped as I pulled out everything that was placed inside of me and sprinted for the infirmary hall.