“So there I was, trying to get Grandma’s cat out of a freaking tree, and- are you listening?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure? Because it looks like you’re having a conversation on your phone.”
“No, yeah, I’m paying attention.”
“Right…”
“Keep going.”
“Ok, so there I was, trying to get Grandma’s cat out of a tree, and wouldn’t you know it, a squirrel wearing armor runs out onto the branch I was leaning on.”
“Mm-hmm.”
“I’m like ‘well, that’s something you don’t see every day’, and then the little gremlin pulled out one of those pink plastic cocktail swords, the ones used to put cherries in drinks?”
“Yeah?”
“Yep, and he stabbed me with it.”
“Huh.”
“It didn’t hurt too bad, since how much strength can a squirrel have, am I right?”
“Heh, yeah.”
“Well anyways, then it starts giving me this big speech, in English, about how humanity is at an end, and how the squirrel uprising has begun.”
“Wow.”
“Totally. Well, apparently Grandma’s cat is a secret agent who works against the squirrels, and they’d been trying to capture her for the past year or so, so that their nefarious plans could come to fruition.”
“Huh.”
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“I know, right? And this whole time we thought that Grandma’s cat was just a fat lazy calico. Turns out she speaks English, too, and told the squirrel that its days were numbered. Then she jumped onto the branch that I was leaning on, the same one with the squirrel, and wouldn’t you know it but the extra weight made the branch break.”
“Break.”
“Yeah, it broke! Sent all three of us to the ground, where a dozen more squirrels surrounded us and hog-tied us!”
“Damn.”
“Yep. They took us out into the woods, surprisingly close to town, where they have their own squirrel town made out of sticks and branches. It was pretty cool, not gonna lie.”
“Cool.”
“Yeah, they’ve got this whole medieval setup thing going on, with storehouses full of nuts, and farms with beetles in them, and of course they’re all wearing clothes made out of leaves.”
“Of course.”
“Wellp, cool as it was, where they took me and Grandma’s cat was suspiciously like a gladiator arena, and I was thinking that they might have some feral dogs or something to eat us if we were found guilty of conspiring against the squirrel nation.”
“Huh.”
“As you can imagine, I was trying pretty hard to get out of my ropes, which weren’t rope so much as cord? They probably stole it from some hardware store or construction site or something.”
“Probably.”
“I’m glad you agree. But they didn’t like my struggling, and told me to cut it out or else they’d stab their cocktail swords up my nose. I stopped, and that’s when Grandma’s cat started yammering about how she had a tracker implanted in her, and getting captured was part of her master plan all along.”
“Really.”
“NO! You haven’t been paying attention at all!”
“What, yes I have!”
“Sure, and you believe I was kidnapped by a group of squirrels?”
“Wait, what?”
“I’ve been telling you about how I was captured by a group of militant squirrels! Which is how I know you haven’t been paying attention!”
“Sorry! Sorry, I just…”
“Yes?”
“I’m just talking to… no one important. What happened to Grandma’s cat? I’ll pay attention now, I swear.”
“No one important? Oh really?”
“Yep! Totally not talking to a cute guy named Ian that I met yesterday.”
“Grandma’s cat is fine. She climbed up a tree, I got her out, neighbor’s kid has seen the tattoo on my back, end of story. Now who is this Ian?”
“Just a guy…”
“Tell me. You have my full attention.”