Hayden half-listened to the referee go over the rules.
Pointlessness all around.
They had gone over what little rules there were inside the locker room and the zebra-stripped shirt wearing man wasn’t actually going to do anything during the match. He was going to be off the field and only show up after to raise the victors’ hands. They were just keeping up appearances for the show, fulfilling the expectations of the crowd and the supposed millions watching at home.
Instead, she studied their opponents.
Clowns, make that clowns.
The fat one and the skinny one fit the profile of what she remembered about clowns.
The tall, muscular one did not.
Flanking her, Jayde and Dayana remained silent.
“Defend yourself at all times!” the referee barked. “Understand?”
She grunted acknowledgment.
The fat clown flourished an artful bow.
“Go to your sides of the arena! Do not cross the starting line until the siren rings!”
A one minute countdown appeared on the scoreboard and all the other big screens scattered throughout.
“Let’s mark them happy, sad and angry,” Dayana suggested.
Going by their face paint.
“That’s too basic,” Jayde said.
“Fine. Morose, ebullient and infuriated. You happy?”
“I’d be ebullient if that wasn’t too stuck up.”
“You name them then.”
“How about—”
“Fat, thin, big,” Hayden said.
“That’s too basic,” Jayde complained.
“The blood will wash or obscure the face paint.”
“Hayden’s right,” Dayana sad.
“Fat, thin, big, it is,” Jayde sighed.
“I’m worried that all they seem to have are kitchen knives.” Dayana chambered a round in her rifle. “I can knee-cap them all in three seconds.”
“They’re over 40. They’ll have a couple of tricks that defy the laws of physics,” Jayde said.
“They heal fast, but they have to have limits. Focus on the fat one, keep him down until it looks like he’s done before switching to the big one. I’ll keep them focused on me while Jayde looks for her openings. Like we talked about.”
“I didn’t forget. We win without getting too badly hurt and not revealing our full strength,” Jayde grumbled. “I still think we’re better off just worrying about the first part.”
“Too late to change the plan,” Dayana said.
The clock hit zero.
An ear-splitting siren blared.
Dayana’s rifle barked.
The fat clown went down clutching a ruined knee.
The thin one started flipping toward the Fu— Heartfuries.
“Go get her, tiger!” Jayde slapped Hayden on the butt.
The soft glow of the mage shield lined her body.
She checked her grip on her wire-wrapped spear as she dashed forward to meet the thin clown.
The big one thundered forward.
“You and me, big guy,” Jayde beckoned as she angled off to the left.
Dayana’s rifle barked again. “Damn that’s some Wolverine-level healing,” she muttered.
Thin arcs of electricity danced up and down the thin copper wire around the haft and to the steel head. Hayden thrust up at the thin clown.
The angry-faced woman had made the mistake of committing to an impossibly high, quadruple flip and twist in a bid to get behind Hayden.
Hayden aimed for a shoulder.
Only to blink in confusion as her spear vanished only to reappear in the clown’s hands a split-second later.
She stumbled forward as her own spear shattered Jayde’s magic shield and skidded off the steel backplate.
The thin clown landed perfectly and twirled Hayden’s spear in with a flourish accompanied by laughter.
Hayden saw red.
Jayde sent the big, smiling-faced clown flying with a pillar of dirt she punched into the ground from fifty feet away.
The clown smacked face first into the magical barrier that protected the crowd. He left a smear of blood for a moment before the barrier vanished as he fell away.
Dayana’s gun barked again.
The fat clown’s sad face was twisted with pain as first one knee then the other healed from a bullet flying through. He pointed at Dayana and started laughing.
The laughter built with surprising quickness.
It took a moment for Dayana to realize that the laughter was also coming from her.
Incomprehension gave way to horror.
She couldn’t stop laughing.
She could barely gasp for breath in the gaps between roaring laughter.
The fat clown stood. His bare knees were bloody, but whole through the holes in the yellows and blues of his clown pants.
His belly shook with his roaring, Infectious Laughter.
Dayana writhed on the ground.
Her laughter crossed the bounds of what was possible, or what was endurable for the human body, even with Skills that enhanced it. She writhed in laughter that strained her bones and joints, arms bending in ways they couldn’t, muscles tearing as they squeezed and twisted bones.
Jayde shut the laughter off with a flaming fist to a fat face. “That’ll give you something to be sad about,” she snarled.
The fat clown pouted as he picked himself up off the ground a dozen feet away, though it was hard to be sure with how charred the fireball left his face.
Jayde sprinted back to Dayana with the speed from her Haste spell still in effect.
It was nice how long it lasted at her high level.
“Hang on, you! Cackling is my thing,” she pulled Dayana’s helmet up to slap her cheek. “Heal.” Slapping the cheek guard or literally anywhere else would’ve been fine, but skin to skin was the most effective and there was something satisfying about hitting someone else’s face.
“My— ribs—” Dayana gasped. “Broke— all—”
“Shut up and let the spell work. They’ll be cracked in no time.”
“I— can—”
“I know you can push through it for a bit, but then you’ll be useless. Don’t worry about it. Hayden’s got thin and I’ll keep fat and big busy. Fatty can’t talk right now and big’s kinda slow.”
Jayde sprinted off, while Dayana lay back and tried to breathe without pain. It was going to feel like an eternity before she could get back into the fight. She could only hope that her friends could handle it without her.
Hayden was not handling it particularly well.
The thin, angry clown’s laughter seeped into her soul.
She couldn’t think, couldn’t plan.
All she wanted to do was make it stop.
She charged blindly after the flipping clown.
Her own spear had cut and stabbed her in the gaps of her plate and chain, through the tough, padded clothing.
Her electricity stunned the clown each time, but the infuriating woman recovered quickly enough to dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge again out of her grasp.
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, HAAAA!” the thin clown showered Hayden’s helmet-covered face in spittle as she twirled and flipped over to her back landing a thudding blow with the butt of the spear.
“AAARRRGHHHH!” Hayden spat as a large burst of electricity exploded from her body.
The arcs sizzled up the spear and to the clown’s hands sending her into seizures.
“GONNNAAA KILL YOU!” she grasped the sides of the clown’s head and squeezed with all the might of a woman enraged.
Hayden was about to release enough electricity to power a large town when the red abruptly faded from her vision.
A voice pierced through the sound of the blood rushing through her ears.
The stupid referee’s warning about breaking rules 1 through 5.
No killing.
Automatic forfeiture and depending on the circumstances she could end up with new jewelry around her neck.
Within minutes of their first fight and she was already about to ruin Cal’s plans.
Hayden pulled back.
Instead of a body charring amount of electricity, she let just enough loose to stun the thin clown.
Then another just in case.
She looked up to the field to her friends.
Dayana was down.
Jayde was engaging the other two clowns.
She wanted to go help, but she couldn’t leave the clown at her feet to heal. Couldn’t accidentally kill her with electricity. It was fine line between overloading whatever the clowns had that let them heal quickly and killing them permanently.
“You going to be good in a bit?” she called to Dayana.
Thumbs-up and a pained smile.
That would have to be good enough.
Hayden settled for sending a pulse of electricity into the thin clown periodically while keeping an eye on Jayde’s fight.
Jayde punched the ground.
Thirty feet away a thick wall of earth sprang up at about shin height.
The big clown crashed into it stumbling slightly as he powered through.
“At least act like that hurt!” Jayde threw her hands up. “No, you don’t, fatty!” she spun and swiped her hand in the dirt sending a shower of grit into the fat clown with a magical gust of wind. “What? Don’t like the taste? Then you shouldn’t be a mouthbreather!” She sprinted toward the choking clown and away from the big one.
The genuine version of this novel can be found on another site. Support the author by reading it there.
A running punch to a jiggling belly landed at the same time as the knife that appeared out of nowhere in the fat clown’s hand sparked against a cheek guard.
A stone dart flew out of the clown’s back in a spray of blood and gore.
Jayde snarled in his face. “You heal fast? That shouldn’t kill you, right?” she spun around the clown’s considerable bulk and shoved him hard. “Eat a sad fat sandwich!”
Another mighty gust of wind propelled him like a fastball straight at the big clown.
----------------------------------------
“Ouch! I guess we now know what happens when the unstoppable force meets the immovable object. Right, Lanny?”
“But which was which, Chip?”
“I guess it doesn’t matter to anyone else but the sad clown. The fat man isn’t going to be walking that off too easily.”
“To add insult to injury he barely slowed the happy clown. What do think, Punchy just did there, Chip?”
“Looked like some kind of wind spell.”
“Are you sure it wasn’t something like a Force Push?”
“She’s a mage, Lanny, not a Jedi.”
“It’d sure be easier to call this match if they called out their abilities like we suggested,” Lanny sighed.
“Can’t fault them for wanting to keep things close to vest. They want to win,” Chip shrugged.
“The King’s Chosen don’t have that problem,” Lanny pointed out.
“And they’re gladiators. From what I’ve been told before it benefits them to be as showy as possible.”
“Well, that’s a shame for the viewers at home. At least Punchy seems to have a bit of that flair,” Lanny said.
“She banters decently, nothing like our champions for sure, but not bad for an amateur,” Chip agreed.
“Looks like Shootystabby is just about done with her timeout, she’s climbing to her feet and getting that rifle ready again. Let me tell you, Chip, I’d like to see more stabby and less shooty, there isn’t a lot of excitement in watching someone shoot a gun,” Lanny said. “What do you think that laughing attack the sad clown sent her way?”
“Well, since we have to guess,” Chip sighed as the screen split to show a replay of the sad clown pointing and laughing at Shootystabby, “you see that the laughter starts with the clown but quickly spread to Shootystabby. The Skill or spell, I have no idea, clearly makes the body laugh so hard that it, literally, hurts.”
“Thanks, Chip, back to the action then… it looks like Sparky is still keeping the angry clown down—”
“She shook off what looked to be a rage-inducing laugh attack, good sign of control and restraint,” Chip cut-in, “good show of mental fortitude from the angry woman.”
“How do you know, Chip? She’s wearing a full-helmet. I can barely see her eyes.”
“Production meeting notes,” Chip tapped the papers on the desk in front of him, “Sparky’s always got a scowl on her otherwise pretty face. She’d get a lot of fans if she smiled more.”
“Don’t let her catch you saying that, Chip,” Lanny chuckled, “it makes them mad.”
“Back to the action, Lanny,” Chip said, “But first, kudos to the production team and all the eggheads for the split screen. Viewers at home can follow all the action at the same time!”
“The big clown’s coming in for some payback!” Lanny said. “Let’s see what Punchy thinks about that.”
“A big swing with that meaty fist— wait! Where did that rusty cleaver come from? Punchy ducks under it! Sparks fly from her helmet!”
“That isn’t rust, Chip. Its dried blood!” Lanny cut in. “So horrifying!”
“Punchy jabs to the wrist holding the cleaver!”
“Weird spot to throw a punch if you weren’t a punch mage.”
“Big explosion from what was probably a fireball! The big clown and Punchy stagger away from each other. Here comes Shootystabby! Where did the black woman come from? Did you see, Lanny? One moment nearly on the other side of the field and the next darting in with what looks like a pair of long knives to carve up the big clown’s hamstrings!”
“She’s got those fast-twitch muscles,” Lanny nodded sagely, “very athletic.”
“The big clown falls to his knees…”
“He’s got a reason to frown if Shootystabby’s knives have anything to say about it.”
“That’s right, Lan— wait? What? I thought, he had the smiling face paint. But— no— he’s definitely got the sad face.”
“You’re right, Chip. The fat one was sad, the woman was angry and the big guy was happy. I’m sure of it.”
“Well, it’s all academic folks, as Shootystabby is about to take him out of this fight. The refrigerator door is closing, the light’s about to go out— folks the clown is crying! Real tears! Not just the ones painted on his face.”
“I don’t think that’ll stop Shootystabby, she’s got a real angry look on her face— wait! Are those tears? Is she crying? What am I watching, Chip?”
“I don’t know, Lanny, but you’re right. Shootystabby’s definitely tearing up and those long knives are shaking like that jello I was just about to close the door on. Folks! The big clown isn’t done yet!”
“Looks, like Punchy is just as confused as we are,” Lanny said.
“Well, she better get her teammate back into the match or— ohhhh!” Chip winced. “Just like that! Shootystabby goes for a ride! The big clown just sent her flying with a mean backhand.”
“Back to the kitchen to make that sandwich!” Lanny added.
“Punchy didn’t like that! She’s running right in and— Boom! Goes the dynamite! She rocks the clown with a fist to the side of his face!”
“But here comes the fat clown, jiggling like that jello! For a fat guy, he’s got some acrobatic moves!” Lanny said.
“It’s the class, Lanny… it’s got to be,” Chip said. “Triple cartwheel into a flip over Punchy! She tries a jumping uppercut! Too high to reach! Punchy screams in pain and turns away cradling her left arm!”
“That was too fast to follow with our normal human eyes,” Lanny said. “Can we get a slow-mo replay?”
The screen cut to the fat clown throwing a pair of knives mid-flip that Punchy barely managed to block with her chainmail-covered arm.
“Those knives just appear in their hands, don’t they?” Lanny shook his head.
“Skills or spells at this level violate the laws of physics,” Chip nodded sagely.
“Can we call them laws if they get broken repeatedly?” Lanny said.
“I don’t know, Lanny, but I’m not ashamed to admit that it keeps me up at night sometimes,” Chip nodded.
“Same here, buddy, same here—”
“Punchy’s in trouble, folks! The big clown recovered quickly as expected and he’s got her wrapped up tight, kicking her legs at air. The fat clown is coming in with yet another bloody knife flipping in his hand. Looks like he’s saying something with that happy face of his. Can we boost the audio?”
—can you fight in anger? Or sadness? No? I think it’s only joy for you. Well, let me give you a permanent smile…
“Do we cut away?” Lanny looked off camera.
“No we don’t, but I’m not going to describe what we’re about to see.”
“Damn shame to see such a pretty woman get disfigured,” Lanny said.
The broadcaster’s face twisted in disgust.
“Wait a minute! It’s not over for Punchy! Sparky’s coming in for the partial save! She grabs the fat clown—”
“He’s jiggling like that jello! How many volts do you think she’s putting through him?”
“Enough to cook him from the looks of that smoke and blackened skin!”
“I wonder if it’s true what they say, Chip…”
“What is, Lanny?”
“Does it smell like bacon?”
Chip stared into nothing for a moment. “It kinda does, Lanny. But, back to the action.”
“You’ve got to wonder if Sparky made a mistake leaving the clown woman—”
The screen split to show the thin clown. She writhed and clutched at the spear stabbed into her shoulder and into the ground.
“Well, that’s brutal. Remind me not to open my big mouth around these very angry women, Chip.”
“Punchy’s still not out of trouble, she’s got an arm the size of a man’s thigh around her neck annndddd… she’s out, folks! Punchy is out! The big clown drops her in the dirt and now he’s set his eyes on Sparky. The electrifying woman whips a chain at the big man. One touch! One touch is all it takes and the man is down to one knee!”
“His body is locked up tighter than my first girlfriend before I—”
“You spoke too soon, Lanny! Sparky just took a fistful of dirt in her face! How the big clown managed to move with all that electricity running through him, I’ll never know— check that— now that his face paint is angry, I’ll say rage let him power through. A moment’s distraction is all the clowns need. The fat one is stabbing like a madman.”
“Finding trouble getting through Sparky’s plate and chain. That blackened skin is going back to its proper color right before our very eyes! You’ve got to wonder how much longer they can keep that up. Using abilities comes with costs as everyone knows,” Lanny said.
“They don’t look to be slowing down. The big clown’s about to go for his patented choke hold.”
“Would you say it’s a… showstopper?” Lanny said.
“Not a simple choke hold, but from the way it looks like he’s about to open his mouth to laugh, we might be about to see and hear the end of the Heartfuries.”
“Ohhhh!!!” the two broadcasters echoed.
“My God! Where did she come from?” Lanny roared.
“Shootystabby out of nowhere to plunged one of those long knives right down the big clown’s gullet!”
“I thought we told the contestants there was a definite no killing rule?”
“They were definitely informed,” Chip said.
“Well… it looks like my wallet is about to get a lot lighter,” Lanny said. “These Heartfuries will be worth bidding on when they’re collared. You won’t have to worry about monsters or raiders, not that you do if you live in the safe embrace of our king,” he added hastily, “but let’s say you wanted to venture out or something like that. It also doesn’t hurt that they’re easy on the eyes. Even the black one.”
“You might be getting ahead of yourself. The big clown is down and he’s gurgling, but he doesn’t look dead yet. Surprisingly, cerebral move by Shootystabby there, leaving her knife in his mouth. It’s a continuous cycle of being cut and healing. Can we get a replay? I’d like to see where she came from…”
The screen changed to show Shootystabby appearing out of nowhere to plunged her knife into the big clown’s open mouth.
“Sorta, like, a little flicker there… I think?” Lanny said.
“Inconclusive, she’s keeping a tight hold on her secrets, that’s for sure,” Chip said.
“What’s the fat clown going to do here, Chip? He’s facing a two on one and he’s got to have burned through a lot of his stamina to heal what has been a horrific amount of damage already.”
“He hasn’t tried a laugh attack since the first one. It might’ve been a one time thing on a long cool down or he doesn’t have enough juice left.”
“That tracks. If you remember the woman clown only did one laugh attack and she’s still struggling with the spear in her shoulder. You’d think she’d pull another laugh out now that things aren’t looking good for the clowns.”
“You’re on to something, Lanny. The big clown also only tried one laugh attack.”
“Bad luck Shootystabby got that knife down his throat.”
“Which leaves, the fat clown and those endless knives. Two come flying out faster than I can follow!”
“But not for Shootystabby!”
“She parries one with her own knife and catches the other, sending it back!”
“Airmail with a one way ticket to ouchtown!”
“A knife to the knee. That woman sure has something against knees,” Chip said. “Down goes the fat clown! Down he goes!”
“What’s he got left in the tank? Any last tricks? Everyone knows never to count out a clown. Can he pull the proverbial rabbit out of the hat? Or do the clowns end their tournament early and in real tears?”
“I think you’re thinking of magicians, Lanny,” Chip said.
“You sure? I’ve got memories, Chip and I’m pretty sure I’ve seen a clown pull a rabbit out of a hat once.”
“I guess it doesn’t really matter, Lanny. Sparky and Shootystabby are spreading out to take the clown from both sides. I can’t see her face because of the helmet, but I’m sure the latter has a very angry look on her face.”
“I’d have said that based on those arcs coming off her armor. What’s a happy clown to do in this situation? Balloon animals that come to life to devour souls? A never-ending rope of handkerchiefs that steals souls? A tiny car out of nowhere with more horrifying clowns?”
“God, I hope not…” Chip said.
“Chip! He’s doing something!”
“Folks, the fat clown is down on one knee and he’s reached into one of his many pockets! What’s he got up his sleeve—”
“Thought that was magicians, Chip?”
“Out comes his hands! As quick as a cobra! He sure moves fast for a fat man! And he’s… waving a white flag… he’s holding up his other hand…”
The crowd in the arena fell silent. Hushed confusion taking over from ferocious and bloodthirsty cheers and roars.
Suddenly, a loud siren rang and confetti fell from the open air.
Ladies and gentlemen! the announcer’s voice boomed. You’re winners… The Heartfuries!
The camera’s continued to capture the action on the arena floor as medical personnel and armed guards entered.
“What a match! What a privilege!” Lanny said.
“A reminder, folks at home,” Chip said. “We’ll have a full recap and analysis of all of today’s action later tonight one hour after the last match.”
“I’ve got goosebumps, Chip! So many momentum swings!”
“It really could’ve gone either way.”
“You’ve got to ask, why did the clowns give up?”
“I don’t know, Lanny, it seemed obvious to me that they were running right up to their limits on healing. The fat clown seemed to be their leader and I think he saw the writing on the wall and made the call to save themselves for the one versus one event.”
“It would spread their chances of finishing in the top places and winning it all, but only if they can heal quickly enough,” Lanny said.
“Well, that’s why the one versus one isn’t starting until day four of the Freedom Championships. It’ll give the first round losers the chance to heal and compete if they’re interested,” Chip said.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I wouldn’t mind seeing these clowns in action again. Maybe, it won’t end in tears for them the next time they enter the field.”
“I completely, disagree with you, Lanny,” Chip said. “I can still hear the laughter in my head…”
“Right, well, moving on. Harley’s going to try to get an interview with our victors, the Heartfuries. Andrew, understandably, will not be interviewing the losers. The ground crew is going to be busy getting the field ready for the next and last match of the first round. Punchy left a lot of those dirt walls up,” Lanny said.
“With each match we learn more about the contestants and with that knowledge we can bring a better quality to the calls we’re giving you, our valued viewers,” Chip said.
“I hope we get more information in our production meeting for the next round’s matches,” Lanny said.
“The team does what they can with what the contestants are willing to share. We’ve got a good team backing us, right Lanny?” Chip said.
“Of course we do. The best for the best. We’re the premier broadcast team for a reason,” Lanny grinned.
“Right, you are Lanny,” Chip turned to the camera. “Stay tuned for the next match coming up in an hour. It’s the Meat Parade versus our very own, The King’s Chosen for the last spot in the semi-finals.”
The screen went black for a moment before cutting to a man in a dark purple robe flipping his hood back to reveal a red devil mask. Eerie chanting echoed in the background. A scream. Sobs.
“Hello, citizens of the New American Republic. I am Mam—