My memories after that moment are dark and unclear. I remember struggling to open my eyes and a strong pain in most of my body. Blurs of intermittent light blinding the remnants of my consciousness. Fear and confusion were taking over me back then, but I did not have the strength to show those feelings. My will to cry was strong, but the strength for doing so had left me a while ago. The voices of doctors rushing and the sound of the wheels of the stretcher rolling on the ground were the only thing that I remember clearly. Something had gone terribly wrong, but I was not able to stay awake for long. And before figuring out what had happened, I faded back into nothingness, embracing darkness as my only relief and hoping that that wouldn’t be my last memory of my life.

————

The rain fell strongly on the window. The only thing I could do now was stare. I was told to not think much about the matter, but it was obvious they had not gone through anything like this themselves. There was nothing left to do anymore. Just wait. Waiting for nothing, there was no point working towards anything anymore. There felt no escape from the situation that had suddenly dropped on my life. Nothing more to do about it. My lunch was waiting on the ground at the door of my room, still hot. It had been left by a servant not long ago. But I was not willing to stand and pick it up. I did not need food right then. But what did I need then?

My room was only one of many the mansion had. It was a nice place to have grown up in, but it felt like any other place right now. The only thing that reminded me of its existence was the repetitive and constant sound of the droplets falling on the glass. Denia’s work was a well-paid one. She took care of us after our father abandoned us and she gave us everything she had, treating us as her own children. But it was useless now.

Ever wondered how losing everything is? Well, it was not much different than what had just happened. Working all my life towards a goal. Wondering. Dreaming. Hoping. And it all was for nothing now. There was no point for living. I didn’t want to die. But what was the difference 1from that and being alive now that there was no future for me. All my family. All my friends. They wanted me to live. But there was no reason to anymore. I was but an empty shell laying on the ground. My presence made no difference to the world. Existence made sense only with purpose, and mine was completely gone. Why? Why was I the only one?

The doctors had said something went wrong. Which was kind of obvious after what happened. The memory of that pain was still fresh in my flesh. It would be hard to forget it. They did not give much more information. The emptiness of their words felt like nothing more than a way to save their asses from a possible punishment. How could someone be so incompetent? They didn’t know for sure what went wrong even. The drug hadn’t reacted to the usual procedure and just kept flowing in my bloodstream until it was dangerously absorbed by my muscles. The sensors they had placed on the head didn’t even serve their purpose. The only thing it ended up being used for was to check my vitals. I couldn’t help but think if this was all a joke. We were told the procedure was safe and that it had a hundred percent success rate. We even investigated the details and there was no recent record of things going this bad. It seems like not even the most veteran doctors were sure about what happened. So here I was.

—You should eat.

Denia’s voice was usually comforting. But not this time. The silence felt as heavy as it ever had been. It was obvious she was not sure what to say. The unexpectedness of the situation had hurt her as well. But there was no point in talking to me.

—Your friends have called. They are asking how you are. You should talk to them yourself. That girl, Silvia, she looked especially worried.

Her words would probably have worried me in another situation, and I would have run to reassure them. Not this time.

She was uncomfortable. I could tell. It was not that I enjoyed making her suffer. But it was better if I didn’t say what I felt. She would have worried even more. My only way of showing my gratitude right now was to stay quiet.

—I know it is hard… Just… Please, don’t abandon yourself.

She left. Probably unwillingly. My hostility driving her away. She was caring. She did not deserve this. But did I?

The rain kept coming down, and I kept waiting.

Days passed and my feelings did not recede. It was like the blink of an eye. There was nothing to drive me, so there was no way of telling time. It all felt just the same. I did not care about it anymore. I did not blink, I did not breathe, but alive nevertheless. So annoying.

I was on the hills behind the mansion that day, in the forest. I wasn’t sure what to do anymore, so I just looked. It felt like I was nothing more than a witness now. Just a spectator to other people’s lives. Merely existing, not acting.

This time the sun shined in the sky. What an inconvenience. The height of the hills together with the bright summer light let me view the city from above. People were so little from there, even cars. It was a place where I could forget my mundane worries and gain a bit of distance, but it still felt awful. But maybe from this perspective and with a bit of time I could get back on track. But who knew how much time was needed.

Marenia was a nice city. It was in the northernmost part of a southern sea country. It was big, and people walking all around centred only on their busy lives. Living, but only aware of their own existence. It was a pessimistic perspective, but it was the only one I could glimpse back then. I didn’t usually mind it. It was something I was always aware of, but I was never sure if it was something I was bothered by or simply aware of.

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The sea was big in the distance, reaching for the horizon. It was one of the best parts of the city. Summer days were to be enjoyed under the hot sun near the port, where boats and vessels of all kinds were stationed, and occasionally leaving for some kind of leisurely wandering. It was a big attraction. Many came during this month to enjoy the beaches and the seawater in more than one way. The bad thing is that it sometimes got too crammed for me to enjoy. But the sea was the pride of the city. And it was always a nice view. But the Guard building was also visible from there, and it did no good to me.

—I finally found you!

Oh, she took longer than I thought.

—I asked Denia where you were, and she didn’t know. It’s been a pain finding you.

She seemed bothered, but not angry. I turned my face away from her. The only thing she could do was look at me, worried. She pulled her hand towards her face, trying to say something, but not knowing what.

—You already know what happened, right? — I said.

Syl was present at the time, but she didn’t want to mention it. It might have triggered some uncomfortable conversations. I said it first though.

—I’m not going to have an image.

I said it with a hint of anger. She didn’t deserve this. But I couldn’t let her barge into my situation without knowing how I was feeling. I kind of regretted it as soon as I said it, but it was too late to do anything about it. Her expression was sad, worried, helpless. But in the end, I was happy she was there.

—Nath…

She hesitated, probably scared to say anything that would hurt me more than help me.

—What? —I said bluntly.

The silence was painful, but she was unsure. I wondered what was going through her mind at that moment. The usual cheerfulness in her face was completely gone, but what did I expect? Her thoughts were running wild. The situation didn’t allow for much free movement. But I waited, expectant.

She raised her face. Finally, some resolve in her face. She walked to me slowly. I lifted my guard, confused, but she just sat. Beside me. And laid her head on my shoulder.

—I’m sorry.

I hid my head between my arms. And started crying.

Every fear I had during my life was turned to nothing that day. I couldn’t help but think about Drest. What would my brother have done in my situation. What would he have done to help me had he been here. He was always so reliable, helping everyone, always with a smile on his face. He grew up so fast. Why couldn’t I. Such a childish worry I had. In the end it was likely my Image wouldn’t have been of any use. Maybe slippery hands. Or being able to speak backwards. Maybe coloured eyes. Or a sixth finger. But what if… That wasn’t the case? What if I could grow up to be someone greater, someone helpful, someone reliable. Just like he did. And just like Kai was now aiming to be. What was the difference between me and them. What had I done wrong?

I still remember the first time we found Drest in the attic, surrounded by flames. I was hiding behind Denia, worried but curious. I was a kid then, but I still remember the situation as if it was yesterday. A big explosion had been heard in a wide radius surrounding the mansion. We had rushed to see what had happened. Many boxes and books either in flames or turned to dust by then. We looked at him, waiting for an explanation. And after a moment of confusion, he started laughing.

His image was a helpful one. And a cool one. He helped lighting up the stoves in the kitchen, and he entertained the children with shiny fire performances. He warmed us up on cold nights and lit up the house during blackouts. But that was the simple stuff.

The wonder boy. The shooting star of the academy. His charisma and strength carried him very far away. He became famous in his circles not because of luck, but because he deserved it.

When he mentioned his journey for the first time, I got overly excited. The first thing I thought was that it was an amazing idea. And the second one was that I would follow him on his tracks when I got my image. But that idea had been just completely discarded. Just imagining how it would have been felt overwhelmingly good. Traveling the world in search for the strongest and beating them all one by one.

His disappearance was sudden, but we had faith in him. When he first came back, I was shocked. The fear I felt then was now only amplified by the current situation. Not only was he a different person, but there was now only a small hope that I could help him torn back to how he was before, when he was happy. But now I couldn’t follow him. I couldn’t help him. The conversation we had that night in his room was the only thing I had. That and…

I suddenly remembered. Lifting up my head and forgetting any feeling of demise. I stood up quickly before running towards the mansion. I startled Syl but she quickly caught up with me. How could I have forgotten. The only thing that he left behind before leaving again. Possibly the only clue I had to know what really had happened to him during his travels. The promise he asked me to fulfil was the only thing that kept me from finding out what it was. But it now had no meaning. No way of breaking it and no way of fulfilling it. I couldn’t wait for my image if I was never going to get one.

Syl was saying something from behind, unsure what was happening. But I just ran. I wasn’t sure about it myself, but maybe this could change things. He abandoned us that day, leaving both me and Denia in tears. But I still had some faith in him, maybe he still cared about us in the end. Why did he only leave that without any explanation. He could have just abandoned us with no further explanation, but why would he ask me to hold that promise then?

The mansion was back in sight now. He left it in his room. Just under that drawer. Some of the maids saw me coming back in with Syl just behind. But I didn’t want to pay attention to them now. Or rather, I couldn’t.

The door to his room had been abandoned since then. It was the first time to be opened in so long. Months, even years. I stood right in front of it. Doubting if I really wanted to know what was inside that box. In the end he had abandoned us. Did I really think he would have left something important behind. Maybe it was just a letter, or a diary explaining what had happened to him, but it was too big for that.

The door screeched when I pushed it. I still remembered the shape, elongated but short. It looked like a violin’s case. But it couldn’t be, right? It was there, just under the piece of furniture, just how I remembered. I slowly approached it, kneeling as I got closer. Still wondering, insecure.

Syl reached me then, putting a hand on my shoulder, still panting from the run.

—What is this?

—I’m not sure— I said —My brother left it when he came back. He made me promise I wouldn’t open it until I got my image. I didn’t agree at the time, but I ended up complying after he left. But now that I cannot get an image… There is no promise I can comply with.

I carefully handled the box, pulling it out of its hiding place. I slowly opened it, wondering for the last time if this was a mistake.

It was a sword. Its blade shining under the window’s light. Its handle had the shape of a cross, like that of a fairy tale’s knight. Its red details surrounding a red translucent pearl in the centre. It was kind of ominous. I grabbed its handle, unsure what to expect.

—What is it? — Syl said.

I examined it with more detail, admiring both its edge and its decorating details.

—I’m not sure— I said.