Engineers use destructive testing to determine how much strain a mechanism can handle before it breaks. According to the TV shows and movies Bael had watched, camping trips served much the same purpose. There were only so many misbehaving tents and unexpected run-ins with local wildlife that family members could take before they snapped.
That was why Bael had made sure that their first trip together would go perfectly. He had everything planned out in precise detail, complete with checklists. “Alright, how are we doing on snacks?” he asked Six.
The young witch looked at Murphy. The demonic SUV’s suspension had begun to sag from the sheer weight of all the food Bael was bringing. “We should be fine,” she said, before remembering who she was talking to, “But we can always stop for more supplies if we run low.”
Bael nodded as he checked everything over one last time. “Good thinking. I’ve mapped out some local restaurants I’ve been meaning to try.”
From her seat on the porch, Maharet watched with amusement as she petted an orange hellcat. She had also consumed a fair amount of human entertainment and knew her husband was headed for disaster. For starters, he had forgotten the tent poles and pegs. “Good luck!” the fire demon called out, “Are you sure you have everything?”
“Oh, right!” Bael said as he ran back to give his wife a kiss, “I’ll see you soon. Don’t cause too much trouble while I’m gone. I hear school politics can be hell.”
Arson made gagging noises as the two demons embraced. The hellcat was still annoyed that Six had decided to take Potato along instead of leaving the unfortunate angel for them to play with. Titan padded over and gave the hellcat a stern look. “I TRUST THAT YOU WILL KEEP THE CHAOS TO A MINIMUM WHILE WE ARE GONE.”
“Then your trust is misplaced,” the orange hellcat said with a grin that was slightly too wide for her face, “We’re going to have the time of our lives.”
Titan shook his head. “I SUSPECTED AS MUCH. GOOD LUCK GETTING PAST MY REPLACEMENT.”
Arson looked up at Maharet with concern. “What’s he talking about?”
The demoness laughed. “Don’t worry, I’m sure you will find out soon enough.”
***
Goldie came into being as Murphy left the property. She watched the overstuffed SUV depart with quiet fascination. Normally she didn’t manifest unless certain criteria were met, but Bael had asked her to keep an eye on the place while he was gone. She had judged this to be a reasonable request and turned to face the orange hellcat looking her way.
“Um, hi,” said Arson as she took in the golden retriever that had appeared on their lawn. Goldie could have been mistaken for a normal dog, as long as you didn’t look into her eyes. They were jet black with shimmering gold irises that seemed to bore a hole directly into the hellcat’s soul, or at least what passed for one. “Who are you?”
The golden dog didn’t answer. Instead, it cocked its head to the side and continued to look at her. Arson could feel herself being dissected by its gaze, every misdeed and ill thought tallied up. This creature knew everything about her, and did not like what it saw. For the first time, the hellcat felt shame.
Reading on this site? This novel is published elsewhere. Support the author by seeking out the original.
“Oh no,” Arson said as she realized what kind of creature Titan had saddled her with, “You’re an all-seeing eye dog.”
***
Up in heaven, Gabriel was reviewing reports and trying to make sense of Bael’s actions. It looked like the Baron was going on a trip with his daughter before the school year started. The Archangel knew his foe was up to something, but for the life of him he wasn’t sure what it was. If there was a nefarious purpose behind the trip, he couldn’t see it.
A few hours later he got up to stretch and clear his head. Gabriel was an angel of action, built for the battlefield. He wasn’t cut out for this desk jockey surveillance crap. He stood by the cooler and sipped his water from a flimsy paper cup. When no great leaps of inspiration came to him, he drank another. Then another.
Eventually certain biological processes caught up to the Archangel and he went to take a leak. It might have surprised some people to know that divine beings like angels had to go to the bathroom, but that was only half the story. As perfect beings they didn’t need to eat, sleep, or even breathe. However, if they did, the outcome was inevitable.
Gabriel sat in the oversized stall, putting off the return to the cage that was his office, when he heard a pair of voices. The two angels in question had left him behind when they went into administration, no doubt hoping he would gather dust and be forgotten like the rest of the divine arsenal. Gabriel listened in on their conversation as he waited for the bathroom to empty out so he could leave.
“I fudging got him,” Michael said, too pure to soil his mouth with foul language, “I bagged the frigging Baron.”
“That’s fucking amazing!,” Uriel replied, obviously not sharing his fellow angel’s aversion to swearing, “How did you finally nail the cocksucker?”
Michael gave his friend a look that verged on smugness. “That’s the thing, he came to us. It was a natural conversion. By this time next week Bael Sharoth will be on the side of heaven, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.”
“Woah,” Uriel said, taking a second to process what had happened, “Why do you think he switched sides?”
Michael looked back and forth dramatically, as if trying to suss out any hidden ears that may be listening. “According to our spy, it has to do with family. Bael wants a better life for his adopted daughter, something hell can’t offer.”
“Our benefits package is pretty fucking good,” Uriel mused, “We’ve got dental, vision, and the retirement plan is in-fucking-credible.”
“Quite right,” Michel said, ”But keep the news under your halo until the paperwork goes through. I can think of any number of entities that won’t be happy to hear the news that Bael is joining our side. If hell doesn’t try and kill him, our people might.”
“Do you really think one of our people would be that much of an asshole?” Uriel asked, before realizing that he was talking about heaven’s bureaucracy, “Ok, that was a stupid question. But let me know when he comes available. I need to overhaul my department, and I could use a good axeman to help trim the fat.”
“I will,” Michael promised, “But whatever you do, don’t tell Gabriel. He’s on the warpath and doesn’t think we know about it.”
Uriel shook his head. “That fucking fossil? I’m surprised they keep him around. Since when does heaven need an army?”
“Rumor has it that he’s being reassigned soon, orders from up on high,” Michael said, leaning in close as if he were afraid to say it out loud, “He may be getting a gold watch treatment.”
“Well, it’s about fucking time,” Uriel replied with a laugh, “I’d be happy to take his budget and put it to some real use.”
Gabriel listened to their cruel words, his ears and cheeks burning. I’ll show them, he thought, I’ll show them all.