Chapter 8: The Dark Mirror
I was home. I was back in Fteh. I did not know how this was possible, but it was taking my all to stay composed, it had been so long since I had seen my father. I was not a crybaby, but I suspected I would break into a blubbering mess when I finally met him again.
As I ran through the familiar well-trodden streets making my way over towards the little cottage tucked at the edge of the slums a stray thought entered my mind.
‘Where were the people’
My feet came to a screeching halt as I started noticing other strange details. The streets, the buildings, everything looked identical to how I recalled it being so very long ago. This was Fteh as it had been in my memories with its blend of architectural and cultural influences from Eldor and Darahud. It being located so close to the empire’s southern borders meant Fteh always had a significant migrating population of merchants and travelers.
I glanced down at myself noticing that I looked shorter, and my hands were smaller and had far fewer callouses on them than I remembered.
“Took you long enough to notice.”
I whirled around in alarm as the voice came from right behind me. I saw nothing but an empty street.
“I am right here”
I was still unable to perceive anybody until I noticed a creeping darkness with a roughly humanoid form extracting itself from the shadow of an old tree. Its three glowing eyes filled with such cold apathy had me rooted on the spot.
My sixth sense was screaming at me that I was in the presence of an overwhelmingly powerful entity. Someone who stood just a few steps shy of the gods.
I hated it, I realized. I hated it with such a deep, searing passion that I could scarcely believe it. I would have strangled it if I could. By the same token, I also feared it just as much. It was taking my all to stop my feet from locking up and my teeth from chattering under its eldritch gaze.
My father had always taught me never to deal in absolutes. That extreme, fanatical love and hate were just as insidiously corruptive as wealth and power. But for this thing, I’d be willing to make an exception. This put it in a very small category of people who made this mental checklist of mine. But for all the wrong reasons for this one.
“Not happy to see me are you? The feeling is quite mutual.”
That was the understatement of the century as far as I was concerned, but apparently, that mild displeasure was all it could muster for me.
It had managed to completely detach itself from the shadow of the tree and leisurely made it’s way towards me.
Panic seized me for a moment, but then I started to notice something strange. Parts of its form began to flicker, disappearing and reappearing with an eerie randomness. It was as if the entity existed and didn't simultaneously. As though it were a hallucination or more likely a nightmare of mine.
My mouth gaped open, paralyzed by indecision. How should I proceed from here?
It knew me, and I knew it. Why was that the case?
As though it could hear my thoughts it said, “I am the answer to all your questions which have kept you awake at night, restlessly tossing and turning.”
I instinctively wanted to doubt his words and find fault for the sake of it. But taking a step back and putting my feelings to the side, I realized I would lose nothing listening to it. I was sure of that somehow.
“Where are we?” I questioned him.
“We are in your subconscious. Mortals generally don’t develop one so vivid and intricate unless they spend a lifetime meditating in quiet solitude.”
So, I was in my mind, and this was some sort of lucid dream. No this was more than just that. This cityscape was me in a far more literal sense. A projection of my inner self. Yes, that statement rung true. I remember my father teaching me how to clear my mind and fall into a self-induced trance so that I could access my subconscious.
Now that I became conscious of the fact, I realized I was both its architect and its master. I could influence the time of the day and the weather of this city of memories, amongst other things. With a gentle exertion of my will, the sun ascended to its zenith, and a soft breeze began to make the trees and grass sway hypnotically.
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The next thing I tried was erasing this nightmare from my inner world but found myself stymied. I could not influence it in any way.
“If that is so then what does that make you? Some kind of hallucination or memory of mine?” I asked with no small amounts of trepidation.
“I am complicated. I will not answer this line of questioning of yours yet. Not until you prove yourself worthy of this knowledge.”
“Then I believe we have nothing more to say to each other, so if you could kindly disappear from my mind, it would be great.”
I was thinking of telling it to not let the door hit it on the way out, but I decided that that would be a little too much lip given to a divine no matter how powerless they presently appeared to be.
On its dark silhouette a burning line curved into a smile, from which I heard an amused chuckle. Apparently, my defiance had elicited no stronger response from it than amusement.
“Do you wish to be made whole again?”
“And you would help me for the sake of the kindness of your heart, divine one” I spat my voice filled with derision. I was quite confident that most divine didn’t look very favorably on blasphemy, but I was becoming equally certain this one didn’t care.
“Nothing worth having is ever free, mortal. If it is it doesn't stay that way for long.”
“Regardless if you desire it, I shall offer you the truth whole and unvarnished. All you need to do is follow me. If you want to keep floundering in the dark, then by all means continue on your own.”
It started to make it’s way towards the city’s southern exit unconcerned whether I’d follow it.
I watched it depart with gritted teeth. I was sure it would never lie to me but I realized it was baiting me. It would give me exactly what it promised if asked, the whole and unblemished truth. Why should it as the truth often cut deeper and more keenly than any sword ever could, leaving ghastly scars which paralyzed and severely encumbered the learner.
Was the truth worth the price it would no doubt charge, I was contemplating. I couldn't say anything with certainty. Not without some inkling of what my memories contained.
I knew the divine’s word carried much greater weight than any contract or bond ever could. Their own power would compel them to obey their given word. I needed verbal assurances first from it that the knowledge it could impart was commiserate in value to the price it would extract from me.
A tall order given this divine disliked me as much as I did it. No no, that wasn't strictly true. I was projecting my own feelings onto it. It had shown minimal regard for me which bordered on distaste.
As I ran to catch up to it. I noticed that its flickering form had slowed down as though it expected me to catch up to it.
“How do I know what you ask for in return will be of equal value, divine one?” I asked it, keeping a healthy distance between us.
“I will ask of you nothing but a single boon eventually. When that time comes, I want you to properly consider it without letting your personal bias cloud your judgement.”
That, well that was making me very suspicious. It was asking for very little in return since it did not say I couldn't reject the boon outright. This entire situation smelled like a setup, as though the knowledge it would impart would be helping it either way.
“Your acquiescence is inevitable. Even at the best of times your curiosity outweighed your better judgement.”
I grudgingly accepted that it was right. I did not know when, if ever, I would regain my full memories and I couldn’t sit around twiddling my thumbs until then. My curiosity had been slowly eating me alive while my fear of the answers I might receive kept me awake late into the night.
“Fine then, how are you going to help me remember?” I questioned; a bit skeptical as it had been somewhat light with those details up till now.
“Follow me to the gate” it told me as the city started to shift little by little. A few buildings started to deconstruct themselves leaving mostly empty plots of land or smaller structures in their place.
“Very few things can hide from the gaze of a divine. The past and present are equally laid bare before it” it said as it pointed towards the southern gates from which two silhouettes had just entered the city. They had a hazy mirage-like quality to them which I noticed was quite unlike my divine acquaintance's current predicament.
I realized that the till then desolate city of memories was now teeming with these hazy apparitions going about their day, unconcerned with our presence.
I looked towards where the entity had pointed and noticed an adult woman with dusky complexion and dark hair was leading a young child of very pale complexion down the road. Both were wearing non-descript rough spun cotton robes. The child who could not have been older than six summers was having trouble keeping up with the woman's long strides but was half jogging to keep up. They made quite the odd pair to any onlookers.
The woman had a deeply troubled expression on her face with her brow appearing nearly permanently creased. She kept looking down at her quarry, worriedly contemplating something. Her expression seemed to firm up as though she had come to some important decision after deep thought.
“Why are you showing me this? It does not help me recover my memories.” My irritation was plainly apparent in my voice.
“Patience, you must learn to accept the past as it is or unshackle yourself from it if you wish to become whole”.
While we had been bickering, the woman had led the young boy to a small park where a group of children roughly the same age were playing a game with some small marble beads.
She bent down to eye level with the boy and hugged him gently. Then she handed him a small yellow fruit saying “Sweetie, I’ll be back soon please wait right here for me, ok.”
The little boy was obviously confused and mystified but decided to obey his mother without complaint. He went and sat in the shade of some old Safeda trees as he watched his mother depart.
“This is where your half-forgotten recollection ends. Do you want to know definitively what happened to her or do you want to continue believing the comforting fantasy you built up in your mind?”
I should let sleeping dogs lie. No answer now would be able to fill this gaping chasm in my heart. Had I not always told myself that I only had a single parent. And she was not him. And yet .......... and yet I had to know.
“Remember, I offer you nothing but the truth. You don't need to witness it if you don't want to. Your fiction of her would be your truth if we stop here.”
“I must know the real truth” I told him simply with a steely resolve.
Seeing my resolve, it issued me a final warning "Don't let your insatiable curiosity push you to seek answers which you would rather forget.”
Seeing that its warning was falling on deaf ears, the entity moved to follow the woman as she entered a tailor’s shop. I hurriedly followed them inside. The woman was slowly browsing through the available items on display. Gauging the perfect moment when the shop attendant was distracted with another customer she slipped out of the back entrance.
The two observers noticed the woman’s relieved and almost content expression for the first time as she departed the city to never return.
“She did love you in her own way. Her resolve was just worn down by society. You’d be justified in calling it a selfish kind of love as she ultimately chose her own happiness over yours.”
A wave of vertigo swept over me, and I needed to reach over to a nearby fence to balance myself.
“Would you like to know what became of her?” It asked me, completely unconcerned with my predicament.
My mind ran a mile a minute, completely ignoring it's question. I wanted to decry what this thing had shown me as fabrications. But I knew in my heart of hearts it would not lie to me. But could it at least show anything apart from cold apathy. Here I was having trouble holding my tears back and this bastard continued to stare at me like a curious gnat.
Wait why did I expect it to feel anything at all?