Sometimes. Dreaming is all we can do when we can’t really live with our eyes.

To dream in a blissful place knowing when you wake up.

All you had seen will all be in vain.

No hope waits on the other side.

Only reality.

[ The death of a loved one isn't always a tragic ending.]

[ Sometimes they can leave you in a heartbeat.]

[ Sera died from a failure of the heart.]

[ You have gained experience.]

“ Mr Al…”

“ I’m sorry for your loss.”

At first I watched my body talk to the doctor. The way he smiled sadly as if he was unsure of how to feel.

I wasn’t in control.

I couldn’t find a way to do something simple like that.

At first you regard what you see as the past, but go back to it again and everything appears as a fucking horror.

No-one could see me, but I stood by my body and watched over my sister as he cried besides me hearing the news she was gone.

Rage was the only emotion I understood when I saw her discolored skin.

To see her alive in my head, but dead before me.

What I felt and What I feel?

I understand I was never free from all of this.

A state of paralysis where I watched my life from a distance as it happened in front of me and all I could do is watch and see myself cry.

There wasn’t no words I could say to console him or for this to feel better.

We both know this moment meant our lives were over.

Sera was my world.

There isn’t anything to live for, to function for and I won’t continue forward in this life.

I know my future after today isn’t a good place to be in.

She was my excuse and reason to be here.

If only I were the one who ended up dead.

It would have made sense.

I waited for as long as he cried for my sister.

It was like I was watching myself outside my body the day it happened.

I couldn’t allow him to find out she was dead.

That experience of where I tried to hear for her heart beat.

That scarred me. I couldn’t watch him reliving what I had done.

I brushed my fingers forward and started writing before me.

[ She thought of you as her world.]

[ Take care of her body and don’t say good-bye.]

He didn’t react when the notification emerged but I know he could see my words.

The system shined in his eyes.

[ Come.]

[ I’ll help you function.]

My body followed where I walked.

Because I ordered for him to do so.

He did all the things I would have said when a person approached him.

I would say a few words and he would repeat what I said silently after I had written them.

It was convenient to not be the one in control. My apathy would show through if I were him.

Show empathy and help him function.

That was all I was good for and I learned something new about transfers.

These things will break your mind.

[ Transfer paralysis: An unstable sync between the personality construct and body.]

At first when I saw it. I believed it was the systems interpretation in desensitizing what a mind break appears like.

Sometimes there are events we face that are so terribly numbing.

Your mind leaves the rest of it’s body and stops living.

The moment I heard the doctors voice.

I once thought——- it would be far better if someone else was here instead of me.

I wanted my sister to be that person.

I sat by her bed knowing I can’t hold those hands like I once could do or to find ways and stories that could make her smile.

The comfort of someone who loved you more than yourself was something I missed and yearned for.

I was like a spirit, there, but not psychically.

Haunting the past— A ghost in another time.

I waited for my body as he mourned in my place.

I kissed my sister between her brows and left the room after some time where the two of us were alone.

My body followed me and after clearing up matters with funeral directors who stood outside the room.

[ Leave them.]

I tried not looking in the direction of the bed they would put my sisters body on and walked down the long hall to not think of what they will do with her.

My body stayed still speaking to them.

Sometimes I left a few words just to ensure he knew I was there.

I knew he was me, but I treated him as if he were my sister and acted like a caretaker and not some hollow methodical bitch who ordered him like he were some AI.

Like a pet. I would always disturb him because I was worried.

“ I’m fine.” I’d hear him say. I would often remind him that it wouldn’t be so long that he would forget that feeling, because he was me.

So embrace it and not do what I had thought would be better when the emotions came.

To believe it would be better to never feel anything at all was the worst manipulation anyone could ever tell themselves.

There isn’t really anything to feel for when you’re become old and bitter.

That was my experience.

We communicated as I spoke through the system.

Walking side by side and him not really being phased by the notification screen always haunting him.

As if believing the words reflected in his eyes was just me murmuring every thought I would keep in my head.

He seemed fine by that… I wouldn’t care either.

We reached the end of the hall before the entrance exiting into the waiting hall.

I stood in front of a tall machine and he stared dispirited at a few coins in his hands.

“ 3 dollars for coffee…” — Was very cheap for cheap coffee, but I always believed keeping enough coins would be able to buy a lot of meat that could be made into 5 dinner meals.

I was a No-Life so money was very luxurious since I never owned money.

Everything I had was given to Sera to take care off.

I never trusted myself with it because when you often have so much in one pay check.

I had the insulting broke man habit to splurge everything on food.

Just like what I intend for us to do now.

We’re gambling all my past labor away on this machine.

All of it will go on a good cause.

An escape from some of the worst things you experience in life.

[ Sera liked bitter and sweet things. Buy it.]

“ Fuck…”

[…]

“ Fuck!”

A vending machine was a cheap place for someone who had coins and wasn’t worried about the quality within.

I watched as the hook in the machine dropped down and picked out a can.

He reached under and collected it.

Something about the way he stood with his shoulders hunched forward and defeated reminded me of the time I woke up and ignored the reality my sister died.

Sometimes living often feel like you were repeating something that already happened and you only notice after seeing something familiar.

Like the small details. Like the eyes.

He just stood their staring aimlessly with his eyes wide open.

[ Fix your back.]

“…”

To avoid everything wasn’t a good way to go about transfers and to apathetically treat it indifferently was even more dangerous than dying willingly.

I pointed to a chocolate bar on his right side.

[ Try something.]

“ I don’t have enough…”

[ Sera would be very disappointed.]

“…” I saw him lift out my old dirty wallet and took out another coin.

There was no vending machines in Siphon.

There wasn’t really a place you can go to and release your mind from what you were living in.

Dirt. Trees. Mud and the sound of falling rain and the freezing cold in an abandon place without much life.

That was your environment for food.

So I thought to reward myself even if it wasn’t really me who would receive it.

The death of my sister and the displacement of me having full control over my body.

It was an instinctual awareness to think that it was a sign I may die too.

I believed in my dying instinct and that lingering compulsion something wrong will happen never disappointed me.

It was so strong.

I wasn’t sure what will take my life.

Me or that feeling that warned me.

Something terrible will come.

[ Buy 2 drinks and some snacks.]

I didn’t understand how much money I had and the currency was different to what I was used in siphon.

We didn’t use the market dollars. The currency used among trades was transferred in credits, but people had the value of $5000 dollars.

Everything was just credits with them.

The moment I saw my hand rest a black card on the scanner and saw a green light start to flicker.

I would make it my goal to pick out all the things I thought would kill me as long as a different color never showed.

And I would wait for him to follow through my ravenous orders using my finger as a wand that Illustrated system notifications by thought.

[ A dark chocolate.]

[ A chocolate oak drink.]

[ Buy one more please——]

I pointed at the items I would try if it were my last moments.

I wanted 2 of everything the machine had in stock.

I didn’t feel hungry, but it was very relaxing to see myself unable to hold everything he purchased.

I never had the chance to splurge, besides seeing cruel things happen to other people.

I thought the best option was to run myself through a food coma after what happened with my sister.

I never thought there was a healthy way to cope with death.

Sometimes your mind really can’t register or cycle what to feel and I never believed talking a stranger would have helped me be better.

I walked over to a chair and sat down.

The feelings I had over my sister still lingered… It hurt knowing I have very little memories of our times together, but my feelings don’t matter.

It never did… I learned to get use to that.

I saw him drink through the second can of chocolate milk mixed with coffee I knew I invented something wicked.

[ So the taste? How is it?]

He looked straight forward.

[ I’m right here.] On his right. I know he couldn’t see me.

So I never bothered to say where I was.

“ Alright... It taste like chocolate milk.” But he was in a mood about it.

Two of the same flavored milk mixing together… must have tasted like dull spoiled chocolate.

That expression where I would look to the side while combing the chunks of chocolate off my teeth.

Something about seeing it made me remember my sense of taste that rotted long ago.

I never got the chance to eat to things like this again.

So I made him try another experiment.

One was a chocolate oak with mint flavor and the other was a barrister coffee despite the crude and strong flavors I though it had.

I didn’t have the opportunity to make the decision to experience the taste of sweet things like this.

It wasn’t the best last meals I would take if I die, but those were the flavors my sister loved.

We’d would spend more time together baking with cheap cake from a supermarket and ice cream would be our drink, but those times we shared… were very small in my memory now.

A cutlet of fried meat or fresh korean fried honey chicken over steaming hot fried rice would be my ideal luxury if life was very forgiving to me.

I saw the amount of sweets inside his bag.

All of it would have made my stomach turn.

I didn’t think of the amount I made him buy. I just thought it was funny to see his reaction because he was losing money.

[ Now for the next test.]

I made him eat every one and the further I watched him bite into a bar of chocolate and drink one of the cans of coffee beside me.

I wasn’t sure if I had done this in my original life… If it would have made me feel a little better.

He never showed any expression that made me believe what I hoped for.

It was one thing to transfer to a dungeon and be killed and transfer to your past where you can experience small things…

Like rinsing your pallet with shit junk and bleeding your wallet and all the labor you put in for a fucking a coin.

I liked watching myself seem happy, eating junk with an expression that was familiar to my sister distasteful disgust in somethings.

He looked like it. I hoped he was.

I don’t remember how long it was when I felt it.

I don’t quite remember when I was happy.

“…”

I imagined ways to see myself smile.

It was better than imagining the disturbing ways of how I might die.

I pointed to a gold chocolate bar filled with nuts.

[ Eat that chocolate.]

I could never understand why Sera liked the taste but it was addicting to feel on the tongue she said.

“ I can’t taste anything.”

I saw how he hid the bar under the wrapper.

I know he was at his limit.

[ Don’t lie.]

“…” He was growing distant with all the food in the bag.

“ It’s nutty.”

[ The texture takes sometime to get use to.] I rephrased words I remember my sister saying to me.

[ It’s just one of those foods that hits you a bit later.]

When I saw all the open wrappers sitting inside of the bag.

I thought it wasn’t enough, but he looked like he would vomit… if he would consume another.

[ Again.]

I found myself in a ritual of prompting the other me into eating food that could corrode your teeth if you give it just enough years.

Sometimes I saw him read through my old messages on the phone.

Most of my messages were filled with catfish messages from shipping companies, a disguise for over-seas scam workers behind that message.

Just another fucking whale who was ready to fuck me financially over.

The other messages were notifications on an app I use to interact with people who were seeking instant work.

It was a community forum for word of mouth odd jobs from bosses looking for desperate hands.

I would read through the pages because I was looking at jobs too.

[???: Hey I know you’ve been offline lately, but I got a job offer. We need to talk.]

The moment I saw the username and the message it belonged too.

I felt something in my hand.

My fingers rested over the screen.

“…” I was in my body this time and alone.

I turned off my Internet on the phone so I could read through it offline.

The person who sent the message was someone was also a member of this forum.

I wasn’t sure whether he made out Siphon or turned out the way I did.

I didn’t want to think over the possibilities.

This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

“…” I hope he lived and returned home.

Under his message.

I received different notifications from potential workers.

[ Bossmang! Do you know any shifts open for the week end! No more studies, I’m a free man now and I’m money hungry.]

[Bossus! I heard there’s a function opening in the western district. Can you talk to the owner of the event for me, pretty please!]

[Boss! It’s cutting hand. Thank you for allowing me to work for Mr Pinky, The last function was a hit and now I have part time in his friends kitchen. Thank you so much for teaching me the job properly. If you need any help with finding workers I will tell my friends about you first! Ciaosu!]

“…”

I knew people who ran functions on the week ends for weddings, the simple things like running as an extra pair of hands in the kitchen and some who wanted the extra help with setting them up on the mornings.

It hit me that I was someone who connected workers to these people on the app.

I wasn’t fond of working under people and I found a way and made others do it for me since my only concern was always being near my sister.

I didn’t have the mindset for jobs and working.

I replied shortly to all the messages.

[] I will link you a new number, call him when you can.

[] I can’t call him now. Go to the event and notify him that you are the person I sent to help him with the event. Don’t expect much pay for that. There is only so much I can do.

[] I’m grateful to hear you now have a permanent work. Thank you for the hard work and take care of yourself. Remember. Your mindset is what keeps you in the job. Take care and always ask questions when you are unsure of what to do.

I answered the messages in the way I hoped for if I were on the receiving end.

[???: Very important message! Read! Now!]

[???: I think this would make us rich.]

[???: Call me or just read the message okay?]

Then again, there always that person who didn’t understand what it means to stop.

I think he was too compulsive when money was involved.

I opened up the message he linked me.

[ No experience, Instant transactions, availability for immediate work.]

[ — Work field: Hostile zone shipping company.#666]

I never saw the message in my past life, but I learned about it two weeks after buying the coffin for Sera from the funeral directors.

2 weeks from now after the funeral.

I got a message from him and how he was leaving for a job outside of the Southern District.

That’s when I saw the recruitment notice.

He just sounded very distressed when he told me he was going.

I didn’t care for my life and I had a lot of free time.

So I just went along with him.

Not knowing the kind of place we would go to or the people we would become.

I think it was because of the events that happened prior that I had developed and awful awareness of things always going wrong and just accepting thats it.

I saw the worst life offered and thought it would be better to not try.

I didn’t see the point. I ruined it at such a young age.

Porn. Anime. Manga. Webtoon. Novels. They were good and all, but the older you get.

The more you see how your decisions impact your life.

And it’s no different if you go on the road driving on a 70 and you’re about to hit into something and not think of how you will suffer, die or hurt people in front of you.

That how living was to me.

It didn’t matter what will happen.

The consequences wasn’t as terrifying or as painful than the experiences I already lived and know.

Novels give you an understanding of it. Media adjust that understanding to the reality of what could happen to your body. Reality… It forces you into apathy depression or numb… that’s all.

I sold my body for target practice to a stranger who found it funny on a death forum and received $2 on paycal for each of the bullets he bought for me.

Saying that each one would be pushed into a part of my body and he would wait for me to beg to stop hurting me.

I didn’t care if he had 74 mental illness or if he was just a teenager who would go through with what he had said over the call.

Not over thinking made reality a little easier to understand: There was twisted people like me and a whole bunch of fucking rotten people I didn’t see before.

When I focused in thinking that way It didn’t register that he was explaining how he got off the idea of putting bullets in a person or how he would explain in simple terms how he had never thought of trying to kill someone else, but he had a lot of ideas how it might just work.

He didn’t show the day we were to meet.

An old forest a few hours on the mountainside known for having a plane crash that took the lives of many people.

Some of the bodys weren’t found on the plane, but the area was called by another name.

A suicide forest.

That day I understood my life would have ended if he was there.

If I were to compare the feeling I felt when I waited for 2 hours after the time he said, to what it felt like stabbing that trafficker on the train.

I’d say I was conflicted and kind of numb.

I used the money he patreon for my murder and bought a burger meal with two large fries inside of a gas station near the forest.

Thinking over the money I used for it was sent by someone who thought it was funny for me not to live.

It was the best sandwich I had tasted in my life, but it wasn’t any different to how strippers go to clubs and entertain for money.

I sold my body because I’m an idiot and made 15 fucking dollars that went down the fucking toilet.

I spent my time into taking care of my sister and she died from life and I happened to sit alone in a gas station thinking over how funny food tasted when it was paid for free money.

I didn’t care enough to understand that there was a high chance I would have never gotten chance to taste that burger.

Find something that could bleed away time and function.

That was my idea that helped me remain the same.

“…”

In my case now, It was sipping on cold coffee and grinding my teeth on some crisp and flaky chocolate coated bar.

It was liquorice flavor and I wanted to cut out my tongue.

“…”

I saw a beautiful girl sit next to me. Beautiful because It was an impression I had when it came to the opposite sex.

Admire but don’t really think about it.

She smelled like cheap cigarettes and I saw the flame that she lit near me.

Yes… a beautiful bitch who showed no respect to my lungs.

A no manner profile that belong to someone I knew.

I glanced to my left side and stared at her, because it was starting to feel like dejavu was shooting at me with remember me bullets that triggered all my senses.

Odd colored eyes. Black hair. Piss-like personality, but such a beautiful girl in mafia style clothing.

“ Dolly.” Why was she smoking here. Inside.

She heard my voice when I said that name. Immediately she looked to the side, of course I saw that smirk and how she intentionally kissed the cigarette playfully as if she were going to suck something in.

I looked over to the emergency rooms and then to her smell.

“ You’re going to give those poor people a very short life.”

First she sat down and acted as if we didn’t know each other and now she is fucking sucking the bottom as if insinuating it was a dick.

I think I was the rotten one.

Every time something involved a beautiful woman.

All I thought over was dirty sex.

“ Relax.” I just stared to her cigarette. I wasn’t going to take it and toss it out.

People can go ahead and die. I wasn’t the one that did it.

“ Stop fucking me with your eye balls.”

I was looking at my torn sandals and this psychopathic girl sat casually beside me when she could have sat further away and left me in peace.

“ How does that even work? My eye balls aren’t interested in a 9/10 beauty in the shit piss department.”

Her eyes gleamed at me.

“ Aw… You called me a beauty.” And almost immediately a middle finger violently flicked from her fist.

“ Shit piss. 9 out of 10——”

“—-Beauty? I’d rather tongue fuck a goblin than you.”

“ Ew…” But I think goblins have sharp teeth.

Dolly was like a cat.

Warm when you spend time with them.

Then one day you find yourself staring at something that hates you for doing something you don’t remember and they hold on to grudges for a very long time.

“ So… 10 minutes huh. New record?” 10 minutes of silently avoiding conversation with her.

Yes. A record that should have went on a bit longer.

“ 10...isn’t enough. ”

I learned not use my head.

An accepted I was incompatible to every female breathing over the valuable soil of grandma earth.

“ It’s hard to speak to you.” I said it straight.

We never really wrote letters to each other or sent calls or even had the chance to ghost calls.

My life never had a Dolly in it.

I forgot she was there until the moment I smelled that cigarette, because only two people I know smoke… Blank and this fiend.

She took another puff and inhaled.

Nothing good happens when talking to someone you said you loved before.

Transfers distorted my sense of time and even if this was all the way in the past.

I remember one thing.

We weren’t on good terms now, but even the silence was so deafening to where the only things I heard was her ashes dropping on the floor and her soft and controlled breathing and it felt like I would hear the air crack because of a loaded gun.

So I spoke out I didn’t like hearing the ambient sound of this hospital hall.

“ How have you been?” I asked in my voice that wasn’t very me.

I was still suffering from somethings didn’t have the mind to speak well and needed a script to read off to talk with her.

Although I didn’t use the system notification as a way to assist me when talking.

I didn’t want to continue mocking her either. It was just fucking silly.

She gave me a side eye and crucified the cigarette by a soft and slow inhale.

“ Normal? I think…? If the nurses found me like this. I’d be fired.”

“ That’s normal? That’s shit.” I said, but she laughed.

“ They won’t do that. They love me so-so much.”

“ Why?” I didn’t know her well as the others. I knew the nurses they were kind, atleast some of them were.

She took a soft exhale.

“ Well—“ She took her time thinking.

“ I’m cheap, useful, smart and very beautiful.”

I looked forward and thought about how nonchalant someone needed to be to say in that tone.

The response was too familiar to an answer I would reply with if someone told me.

Why don’t you just live? ——I don’t know would be my answer.

It just rolled of your tongue so easily and made sense to me.

“ That sounds sad.” I didn’t feel it thought. It was just sad.

She was a smart person and that’s one of the things I admired despite her venom spitting personality.

She had a strong idea of what she wanted.

Someone who wouldn’t walk their life in front of a demented fiend on a death forum.

I noticed how she readjusted the foggy glasses that was burned by the smoke.

“ I hate when that happens.”

I know sometimes smoking burns your eyes. The smoke redirecting into your eyes. It isn’t really healthy to see.

“…” I didn’t like my past either.

It felt like an unhealthy obsession knowing that inside of a transfer there was always a possibility to tinker and alter the past.

Most people would think. Oh if I do this? History will change.

If I step forward and asked if I could wipe her eyes the only history I will remeber is to get my eyes beaten and then we’d both be two people sitting in the middle of the hall with red eyes.

“ Come here. Let me blow it.”

“ You idiot. I don’t have anything in it.”

“ Just wipe it dry and just let me blow. You can wipe your glasses while I do this.”

It was so easy to think of ways to change my relationship with Dolly.

She became so defensive after I said my words and I knew how life works anything I say or do never works out for me.

So I caught her in the moment and fought back.

“ I can help you.” I couldn’t give a shit about mending what went wrong.

If someone thought taking care of a bitch who got smoke caught in her eye would do anything.

Then buy a fucking water bottle.

I don’t know any other way to help her but use my spit.

“…”

I don’t regret what I’ve done before or the fact that what ever I did hurt it and I didn’t even bother trying to mend us.

Right now. I was just rocking over the funny feelings the other me got and coping in someway.

Moments likes these was just another activity to bleed time.

I don’t care what happens.

There is no tomorrow. Not for me.

“ You can just tell me fuck off Al.”

“ It’s a bit twitchy, I think It would be better to smoke with your glass up here.

I reached out and raised the glass above her hair.

I knew she couldn’t see far, but those were some of the most fucking beautiful eyes I have ever seen on someone. Odd, but definitely didn’t belong to normal looking people.

I raised my fingers before her.

“ I know this is rude. I think I might have asked about it in the past.”

“ But what do you see?”

She stood there silent.

“ A fucking psycho trying to pluck out my eyes.”

I relaxed into the seat and watched the lights above me.

“ You think I will be able to see with them if I took them out?” I was curious. Just how far was the medical technology here in this time.

“ I mean with all the smoking. Your eyes will be fucked and it’s already fucked. Say. If I die and yours go bad.”

“…Take mine.” I thought it made sense to say.

I may go. 30 minutes or even 5.

Since I had the feeling that it just might happen, but I don’t know when.

I thought it was normal for a person to say something like that, but she just looked put off by it.

Dolly didn’t say a word.

I thought it was because it sounded depressing, but It was just a thought.

If the doctors couldn’t go as far as to save my sister. I don’t think they knew how to successfully transplant another persons eye onto someone else.

So it was just a suggestion.

“ Stop blabbering. Old hermit.”

I just watched my life rot as I lived and although I was often depressing. I knew what was better and if pieces of my body could make another person live an easier life.

It was better than for them to be rotting in the ground.

“ You have my consent.”

“…”

“ You have my whole consent. Remember that.”

“ You smart and beautiful—-”

“ Stop right there and don’t finish that sentence.”

“—sexy bitch.”

I made sure express the sentence in the worst way I could.

In one breath smoke rushed and stung my eyes and she was over me.

“ Hey you will ruin them.”

“ You called me bitch right? You’re an old musky bitch.”

It was funny how she was avoiding the other part where I said sexy.

“Yeah.” —— sure.

“ So you’re a hermit bitch?” It was a luxury to find someone who constantly rambles about silly things.

It wasn’t normal. With her body almost sitting over me. I just played along.

“ You know… hermits a bit too——“ Riling her up to the point we were face to face.

“ You’re a virgin bitch then?” Insulting her to where she feels so mad because of it.

“ I fucked my hand—“ I just smiled and leaned a bit closer.

“ Pft—- You’re just a bitch?” Then I saw she noticed just how close we really were.

I looked down to see that she was sitting on me with both her hands pushed behind me just looking down to my eyes very shocked and confused.

With her rotten personality and always spilling devil.

I reached in and combed a strand of her hair behind her ear and saw her understand how close this was to two people fucking.

With one hand combing her hair and the other touching the side of her stomach to show her how dangerous it was for us.

I played a little act with my voice.

I was enthralled by her lips and I showed her how much I wanted it.

“You keep insulting, but I’ve told you already.”

“ This body is yours.”

“ H-hey t-this is too real…” I smiled and she looked down with her eyes open when I pulled her closer.

“ A-Al…?”

Despite her words… I wasn’t that Al she knew. I became apart of group who abducts people several years from now.

Yet it feels like I was still my normal self now.

Playful, depressed and less caring for future consequences.

It was strange to imagine I would end up being someone families would pray for on their beds hoping to be die.

I reached out for her throat just so I could hold and kiss her chin. My hand that rested on her rib cage ended up pulling her shirt back down to where it was before.

My feelings soiled everything again. So I ripped open a bar of chocolate and started to bite into it.

The seductive and lusting feeling I had was being drained away by the sweet and nutty flavors dancing over the side of my tongue.

“ Want some?” I suggested it, but she stood up immediately and sat down to the side.

“…” I watched her stay silent.

Dolly stared straight forward without any interest and smoked with her glasses still on.

She just glanced at me with her eyes moving to my direction from the time she smoked and looked like she wanted to flare out violently with her thoughts, because I played with her and it confused her.

The atmosphere wasn’t the same anymore.

She wasn’t happy.

We weren’t really friends now.

Words are very slippery and often spilled thoughtlessly from the teeth.

I didn’t want to be that guy to say it.

I enjoyed the lust, but something about it always seemed bland when the other person was never interested like I was.

I wonder why it happens.

It was just feelings and I didn’t have many anymore.

“ Al.”

I had no-one but traffickers, captives, hunters and suicidal me.

I didn’t really know.

What a normal life looked like after this day.

“ Are you okay?”

I picked out a chocolate bar from the bag and placed it inside of her hands just for her to stop talking.

I communicated with her in show language. Where I showed the actions of how to open the bar of chocolate and chew on the right side of her mouth.

“ Yeah.” I’m okay to the point I can function and make arrangements that take care of my sisters funeral.

In the case I died in an hour or two from now. I was fine enough to do what I wanted to be done.

Since I’ve lived this life before.

I didn’t want to mention what happened to Sera.

We weren’t so close to just hold a casual conversation inside of a hall, but I remember the girl who gave me flowers for my sister even though she never knew my sister died.

Hate or what ever multi-face feeling cats showed.

I was aware coincidences like this never happened to someone like me.

She has always genuinely been a good person to me and I ruined her.

“…”

“ Al?” She seemed almost to comfortable for a person who showed her dislike for me.

“ Can you do something for me?”

I leaned over to the side and reached out for the new cigarette from her lips and moved forward to kiss the side of her cheek to divert her attention away from it.

I saw her body tense and react to the slight kiss I pushed against her cheeks.

There was no love in me.

There was no need to be in love. My time as Al was gone.

I leaned over.

I wanted inhale the cigarette something toxic that made my sight sharpened.

I didn’t really understand that feeling.

Dolly stared straight forward like she was watching something terrible happen.

“ What do you think you’re doing?”

I shook my head and then blew.

“ I wanted to understand why people do it.”

I took one of the empty cans of coffee and flicked the ashes inside

“ This isn’t really working.”

She wasn’t happy to see me hold a cigarette and I don’t think it’s because I stole it from her fingers or kissed her cheeks.

I’ve never done it before in her mind.

“ Thanks for the assist.” I reached for her face and pushed back the cigarette between her lips.

I leaned forward and hugged her.

She didn’t reciprocate it. So I stayed a little longer to vex her territorial nature.

It kind of felt like another very long good-bye.

“ You’re enjoying this aren’t you.”

“ Yeah. Who knows when I could be able to embrace a psychopath like you again.” To even further crawl under her skin. I turned my head and kissed the side of her face and licked a bit of the smoke ash off.

“ You fuck!”

Those eyes were very beautiful but the brain behind was a word pushing murderer.

I could see she was thinking hard on how she might kill me, but with both my hands holding her lightly.

It was funny how she could have harmed me at any time. I wasn’t really doing anything that restrained her from it.

“ You turn your head to the side anymore than that. I’m going to tongue fuck your mouth until you are out breath.” It was the only strong threat I could imagine with her.

I didn’t really mean it. I just thought it was a funny threat to say.

I hugged her close and whispered into her ear.

“ Dolly. Sera is gone.” Those were the words I would have said in another life. If I didn’t leave that day I saw her.

I didn’t have the flowers.

“ I wanted you to know.” The bag of sweets I couldn’t eat them all.

I placed it in her hands. It took a little effort to open her fingers that was shaking.

I was drowning in my feelings. One that didn’t want to accept and the other that strongly believed I will not make it to see her being buried.

In all the moments before I died. I always had this feeling of doom.

It was stronger from here.

I needed some time even if it were only 5 minutes.

“ Al? Where are you going.” I stared to Dolly.

“ I’m going home.”

“ Home?”

I didn’t have a home anymore.

That shitty apartment I was renting out wasn’t my home.

“ I will see you again.” I said it so easily. I had this feeling I wouldn’t see her soon.

See her soon… those words….

Were the exact same words I used the last time I talked my sister.

“…”

Farewell… was just another form of a cruelty.

I don’t want to be apart off.

So I just walked away.

…

[ The person you have called is unavailable. Please leave a message after——]

[ The person you have called is unavailable. Please leave a message after the——]

“…”

[ BAL: $0.00]

The banks in this area don’t open until tomorrow. I don’t have the money to set up and immediate funeral for my sister.

There was another account. I can’t access it from my phone.

“…” I thought taking the previous action I had done before would happen.

I called my mothers ex girl friend.

I called for 20 minutes and each time I heard the machine.

I would try again. I don’t know how many calls went through. I know I had the right number.

“…”

Last time. I went to the Northern District to meet her into taking care of my sister.

This time I tried it over the phone.

[ The person you are calling is——]

I wasn’t praying for a miracle to make her pick up the call. I thought it would be better to keep going even if it would end up this way.

I gave myself 20 minutes and still no answer.

I hoped, but I didn’t expect for it to work.

“…”

[ No experience, Instant transactions, availability for immediate work.]

[ — Work field: Hostile zone shipping company.#666 ]

It was funny how the number on the message was the only thing I could turn too.

A 3 digit caller ID.

No normal phone would allow it to go through, because it was for a terminal communication line and the original number was always one digit negative than the Id shown on the message.

I dialed in 555.

Devil Laughing: The original communication line for traffickers working in Siphon.

666 was used to get in touch with someone who was personally an instructor. Someone who did work like me and connected outsiders to a contract.

I called 555 on a disposable line as if I were currently working as a trafficker.

I heard a kind voice on the other end.

“ Hi, I’m willing to volunteer for a contract.”

“ Past experience?”

“ Coordination within the Eastern and Western districts.”

“ What company?”

“ Siphon.”

“…” There was gun shot over the call. It was too far, but something fell hard on the ground and I heard an awful groan.

“ I need money. I have information.”

“ Are you willing to expose your location over this information?” Expose… means am I willing to die for it.

“ Southern Emergency Hospital, Male, Dark hair, Over weight, Young, Standing under a security camera pointed to the front entrance. Can you see me?”

“…” There was a rustle and static and I heard a man breathing. It was a different voice to the one I heard before although his voice was deep and low.

It was so distorted that I know he was speaking through a speech altering modification.

“ Payment information will be transferred based on this lines assumption your occupation is responsible for traffic. You will be paid $5000 for names and other information prices will be listed during the call. Please continue with a clear voice.”

“ You are on an exposed device. We can’t alter components on your device. You have 5 minute period.”

“ Executioners will be sent to your location after this call ends.”

“ Thank you.”I answered respectfully even if I understood 5 minutes meant I only had 2.

Executioners were the worst I know.

I begun to recount my encounters and experiences working as a trafficker.

My voice and tone had to match that identity I spoke as.

Indifferent, hollow and unfeeling to cruelty experienced on constant travels on the killing fields.

Like a switch. Al had to go to get what I want from them.

“ Identity and locations of the relatives and children of black list raiders living inside hostile zones near Siphon, Velda, DI, Mer territories.”

“ Denis sanderson under the protection of the Wolfen unit living inside an abandoned town on the western side of a fish market. Would be taken with other children to the eastern park and supervised by young soldiers. Frame of time: 12:45 pm.”

“ Marcus Timothy. Tores unit bomb maker frequently visits a red house on the eastern side of Velda’s Theatre. Enters from the back entrance on a Tuesday. Never walks through the front door. Frame of time: 4:35 pm, known time for leaving 12:49 am.”

Names, faces, identity, numbers, locations, time of day every word I spoke was a name of a life and I was selling them.

I was reading out the bounties of names, of people who have been crossed out the list in Siphon 7 years from today.

I had never encountered them before or even go as far to say I had stalked them.

Every word that left my tongue didn’t belong to me.

I once worked in a place called The Pig Pen.

A place where soldiers who worked for the executioners go to after they came back from their missions and spoke nonchalantly about their expeditions and trophy killings.

I was one of the people who would work inside one of the warehouses hosing blood into a drain, the skins and hair of remains they left inside that room where they executed blacklist raiders.

I would be there hosing and picking out cuts of flesh that would block the drains from the ground.

I would clean and some of the soldiers there would speak to me about the person they turned into a trophy.

I remembered their voices rather vividly because they were insulting them and and shared stories that sometimes even made me feel their hate.

When the only words you hear each day was their words.

Each day something sticks on you like cologne.

Working there was more exhausting when it came to the soldiers than it was cleaning the sheds after they totured and deboned raiders apart.

Words slipped from my tongue as I remembered and spoke.

I understood what I was saying. I was aware that my words meant people in Siphon will scout and confirm if they are true.

Whether I lied or said the truth. I will be killed regardless the moment he mentioned executioners.

I just prayed that the devil believe my words were valuable and rewarded it honestly.

So I spoke clear not worrying over the time I had left.

“ Thank you.” The man over the phone said.

“ You credit will be valued at another time.”

“…”

“ You aren’t on our list. Al.” There wasn’t much time and he did not confirm the amount I would be paid for.

“ I was sent a message for recruitment.”

“ By who?” There was a slight silence.

“ Someone who loves money.” I didn’t pretend.

“ We never contacted you.”

“ He trusted me to join.”

“ Does someone you know told you about us before?”

“…” I didn’t have an honest answer.

“ You’re bleeding my time so I die.” I saw the minutes counting down and my senses started ringing and instantly I thought I saw something standing outside in the dark.

“ Yes.” His voice and tone was just like the others I knew.

“ I want 1 minute to use all the money.”

“ Then we will have a short conversation.” He said.

“ Would you like to work as an executioner?”

“ No.” I responded.

“ You will die.”

“ People you hire go through this.”

“ They do.”

“ Do you know who I am?”

“ Unless you wear a mask with apathetic eyes and a smile I wouldn’t know you.”

“ That is another reason on the list on why you should not live.”

“ One minute has passed…”

“ How would you like your credits to be used Al?”

“ Please bury my sister where no-one can hurt her.”

“ You have 1 minute.”

“ May you perished wretchedly Al.”

“ Thank you sir.”

I waited for the call to end and when I turned around I saw Dolly with this panicked look on her face.

Trying to not make it seem as if she heard everything I said.

I knew she heard everything.

I wish I was god. Alter everything and never experience this kind of life.

In my last seconds I leaned tiredly against the wall and sat on the floor.

Whether I died now.

I wouldn’t know what would happen to my sister.

That hurt me more than everything I’ve done.

I hated myself because I never tried to be better.

I looked at my phone and took a picture and attempted for a smile.

I could feel Dolly standing there, but she couldn’t speak.

“ Al.”

There in the dark I saw people approach.

I understood who they were.

I still had 30 seconds left.

So I set an alarm and closed my eyes ignoring everyone and everything.

I needed a few seconds of silence.

…

The figures who stood there. Their uniform made them seem more like cybernetic monsters than people.

Their gear mechanical cybernetics and internally modified. I thought they were killing machines who operated through an Al.

They were just modified.

One of them just looked down and Dolly fell because of his non-existence features on his face.

They were waiting for me.

My senses heightened in that moment I saw a person walk out holding on a long assault shotgun modified with attachments I’ve never seen and he looked right past me and focused on her.

“ Are you Al?” It was a simple question and I nodded my head in response to that cold question.

I looked over my shoulder and focused on one of the masked man with a painted smile and apathetic eyes as he stood with them.

He raised his hand over his chest while the other hand his fingers rested on the gun.

4 heavily armored figures with cybernetic modification wearing distinct masks stood near.

“ We will continue through our transaction.” The man who ordered my death in the life I worked for Siphon pointed to Dolly.

“ Is that person your next of kin?” He asked.

“ Yes.” Then I saw a behemoth executioner walk forward with two black duffel bags wrapped up in blue tape and tossed them over to Dolly.

I didn’t trust his men.

Seeing the bags. I didn’t ask if they were filled with money or a bomb.

I stared forward to that person.

An alarm went off from phone, before the bags crashed into the floor.

“ Dolly. Take care of her.”

The man who I knew was the leader over them didn’t say anything.

They waited for her to go.

One step at a time. She picked up the bags.

Until the moment I heard the doors automatically open and closed behind her.

He raised the gun.

I saw a large spark of thunder and an explosive air of heat spread out from his gun.

Something whistled and popped and my shirt was on fire.

One round and then another. One of the soldiers stepped closer while that person fired.

Sparks exited his gun and my eyes boiled.

I just accepted it would be better to show nothing.

I was able to raise my left eye and saw a sniper over me.

It didn’t really matter if I saw it or that the one who held wore it such an unnerving mask.

I heard the leaders voice but most of his words was distorted.

I think my ears within were broken or gone…

My body wasn’t functioning in the way I know.

Wait. That’s what the leader hand in front of the soldier looked like to me.

The soldier moved his gun and walked away until it was just that man standing over me.

Just like the first time I met him.

He kneeled down. I know he was talking, but the blood clogging my ear drums was deafening out his voice.

I could not hear a word he said.

“~Information.—— locations. Confirmed.”

I saw a grenade in his hand and his fingers reaching down to me and I just assume because I could barely feel.

My jaw was broken and he left it inside.

I remembered the clock time of that grenade.

A time delay of 5 seconds.

Five.

I felt it, It was getting harder and harder to breathe, but my body didn’t care.

Four.

Whether I was to suffocate or die from the wounds or waiting for it to go off.

Three.

I had to not feel or think.

It’s just that it was the opposite of what I wanted to believe.

My mind was solely focused on the moment the grenade would go off.

What will happen first when the timer hits 1.

“ I will personally handle your sisters funeral.”

“ Trafficker Al.”

One.

Fated to perish wretchedly.

That explained everything I’m experiencing now.

At that moment I heard a loud sound..

—-You have died——