Once upon a time in the year 3086 there was a planet called Sifillis, and on this planet there was a continent called Pus, and on this continent was a country called Bonertania, and in this country there was a city called Schmegma City, and in this city was a huge structure known as Videotape Palace, and in this palace dwelt Titiana the Flatulenz Fairy Tremorroid, ruler of all of Bonertania.
At least that’s where she usually dwelt, for on this morning Titiana was missing. She had completely disappeared. Vanished. Not one of her friends knew what had become of her.
It was her super best friend Montana Shingles who first discovered it. Years ago Titiana had asked Toosh Islander Montana- or “Mono” to her friends- to move into Videotape Palace, just because Titiana loved Mono and wanted to hang out as much as possible, and Montana said yes. Mono’s job was being Vice-Tremorroid of all of Bonertania.
Lately Titi and Mono had been hanging out a lot with Soda Olheiser and Pucas. The two were younger but were interesting hang-outs and adventure comrades, and the duo knew almost as much as them about motion picture feature films.
One morning in Titi and Mono’s home theater in their top-floor apartment of Videotape Palace Soda proposed the friends make a journey into Schling Quadrant- or “Schlingquad”- which was one of the four great quadrants of Bonertania ruled by Titiana. Soda grew up living in Schlingquad at a desolate drive-in theater called the Schmahoning, but now she lived with her uncle and some friends not far away from Schmegma City in the bustlingly busy Schmahoning II.
“I heard they just opened this great mom and pop video store in Schling next to Ray-Nor’s Lanes in the Yuckytoe District. We could do a deep dive into their inventory and then go roll a few frames at the bowling alley,” Soda said. Soda had black hair and eyes and purple lips and eyelids and white skin and wore all black clothes- hoodie, T-shirt (today with a Zymolytic Capybara icon on the front), trousers, socks, underpants and sneakers. Her black-framed glasses were slightly too big for her face.
"I'd like to go," said Mono.
“Me too,” said Pucas, who was a three-foot-tall felt-skinned puppet-class yokai with a terd-shaped head (terds were what they called eggs on Sifillis). His head had no features save a wide, unsmiling mouth; to see he wore thaumaturgic eye glasses with eyes in the lenses. He wore the exact same outfit as Soda except his T-shirt was dark blue with a black Sal Ammoniac icon on it.
"All right," said Mono, who was wearing a rose-colored jumpsuit with a blue stripe down the left side. Her naturally blonde hair had been died bright pink the day before. "I'll go and see if Titiana wants to go with us.”
The night before Titiana had excused herself and gone to bed after the first movie they watched (“A View to a Gill”) because she was having a heavy period. Mono, Soda, and Pucas then stayed up for two more movies (“Smelta Force”, “Berettacuda”), all three falling asleep before the end last one. They all slept where they sat or lay- Mono and Soda in recliners, Pucas on a couch- so Mono hadn’t been to the bedroom she shared with Titiana yet that day. As soon as Mono, Soda, and Pucas had woke-up they immeadiately put on another movie (“Next of Fin”), during which Soda proposed her used book store and bowling alley outing.
“You don’t have to pause the movie, I’ve seen it a million times” said Mono as she jumped up and walked to the bedroom she and Titi shared, expecting to find her SBF moaning about cramps and bloating. But while the bed had clearly been slept in, of Titiana not a trace was to be found. The only occupant of the bed was Mono’s brown-and-white antennaed half-Jack Russel/Half-Shih Tzu puppy-dog shaped yokai pet Vira. Vira jumped up off the bed and ran up to Mono, standing on her hind legs for some attention.
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
Very much surprised, yet still with no fear that anything amiss or untoward had happened to Titi, Mono picked up Vira and returned through the boudoir to search the other rooms of the suite.
Mono went out into the hallway to Jodo’s apartment, where Jodo and the Spork Armadillo sat in the open doorway. Jodo was the Royal Flackfizer, and after Titi and Mono Jodo was third in command at Videotape Palace. Some mornings Jodo liked to sit in her doorway, listening to a movie play on her 100 inch TV set while she sewed a new outfit, sketched a new comic strip, or read a book. That way she could chat with anyone who walked by. Jodo, who was at that moment knitting a sweater for the Spork Armadillo, who sat at her feet- at least, where her feet would’ve been: Jodo had had to have her legs amputated above the knee.
Mono greeted Jodo and the armadillo and then told them of Titiana’s disappearance. "She isn't in our apartment now, so she must have gone out."
"I don't understand how she could do that without us seeing her," said Jodo. “We’ve been here all morning.”
"Unless she made herself invisible,” said the Spork Armadillo. The armadillo was a golem made out of Spork, a popular tinned meat-flavored product, and lived with Soda at the Schmahoning II Drive-In Theater.
"She isn't there, anyhow," declared Mono, putting Vira down. Vira trotted happily over to her pal the Spork Armadillo. Once Vira had been trained not to eat the golem they had become good friends.
"Then let us go look for her," suggested Flackfizer Jodo, who appeared to be a little uneasy. The friends went into the music room, the videotape vault, the galley, the gallery, the workshop, the rumpus room, the meditation chambers, the laboratory in the south tower, the rooms with toilets, and the two great auditoriums on the ground floor- the Throne Room and Screening Room # 1. In none of these places could Mono, Jodo, Vira, or the Spork Armadillo find Titiana.
They exited the screening room and Mono almost bumped into a golem who was made of the mismatched pieces of a dozen humanoids and yokai, held together by black stitches and golden staples.
“Have you seen Titiana today?” asked Mono.
“Piddily-Cum-A-Zur, no I haven’t seen her,” replied Chunks, shaking her head so that her beaded braids shook and clattered against one another. Chunks lived at the Schmahoning II with Soda and the Spork Armadillo but was spending the week working on a screenplay with Gashmouth the Chainsaw Raccoon, who lived in an apartment behind the palace. Chunks had come over to see what Soda and the armadillo were up to. Gashmouth had left early that morning to go on a breakfast date even though he was a golem and didn’t eat.
"I'm going to keep searching for Titi," Mono, "for she isn't in our apartment and I want to ask her a question."
"I'll go with you," said Chunks.
Together our friends searched to the farthest limits of the mini golf and croquet courses and the entire hedge maze but nowhere could they find a trace of Tremorroid Titiana. She was gone and none had seen her go. Mono, Jodo, the Spork Armadillo had met and questioned Agent Fissure, Cockadoody the Cocky Cockfightin’ Cockadoodoo, Rumplemuss the Dirty Wanderer, Big Gary the Green Jackalope, Crassgass the Gassy Jackass, Kenny the Kaleidoscope Khameleon, Bruce the Retiring Ocelot, Jo the Prolific Rhino, Smacktown Johnny, and all the employees of Videotape Palace including the son of the robotic emperor of Mukus quadrant, who was there doing an unpaid internship.
By this point the movie Soda and Pucas were watching had ended and they were looking for Mono. They met up in the foyer next to the mounted Humpty Hump Head (who also hadn’t seen Titiana). Next our friends went up to the palace’s alchemistic laboratory (in the north tower) and found the devastatingly handsome Zanghi Zygote, a sixty-nine year old trickster with long silver hair. Zanghi was the Assistant Royal Thaumaturge (or “A.R.T.”) of Bonertania and they asked him if he knew anything about the missing tremorroid. Up until recently former novelty item peddler Zanghi had been living as a tapeworm, transformed by an explosion of untamed thaumaturgic energy during the epic Videotape Palace Siege of ‘82. Nobgoblin, empress of Quirkquad and Bonertania’s Royal Thaumaturge, had finally restored him to his humanoid form and hired him as her assistant, slowly passing on to him all her thaumaturgic and alchemistic knowledge. He lived at Videotape Palace in the lab.
Mono, Jodo, Soda, Chunks, Pucas, Vira, and the Spork Armadillo were crowded around the unmade bed where Zanghi sat. He hadn’t seen Titiana since the afternoon before.
"She didn't say anything yesterday about going anywhere, did she?" asked Zanghi.
"No, and that's the strange part of it," replied Mono. "Usually Titiana lets me know of everything she does."
"Check the PC?" suggested Pucas.
"Of course!" cried Mono. "Why didn't I think of that before? There may be an update about what she’s doing or where she is!" At once the friends hurried away to Titiana and Montana’s apartment, where the PC always sat in their living room.
This wonderful enchanted PC, a gift from Nobgoblin, was one of Tremorroid Titiana's greatest treasures. It gave random updates, sometimes with pictures, of the goings-on around Pus Continent. No one else on the planet had a thaumaturgic PC like that (except for Nobgoblin, of course). The friends rushed into the living room and stared in amazement, while the Spork Armadillo and Chunks uttered expletives of disappointment.
The thaumaturgic PC was gone!