Roast Beast
The following few hours were a chaotic mess. They’d planned some giant event for my arrival, yet the escaped werewolf put the kibosh on it. I was quarantined to the summoning room long enough to check me for bites. Turns out while you can’t be turned into one of them, their bites were just notoriously nasty. Soon, I was led out through the main door.
The walls had velvet curtains lining the windows, the hallway was magically lit for all I know. With candelabras using a green flame that somehow made the entire room a little brighter, to my dismay, without tinting the room in their color. A monk from the summoning had very graciously given me permission to call them ‘Charles” due to the five times I tried and failed, to say ‘Charlemagne’. We walked to the barracks library before the re-launch of the event.
“You know, Charles, seeing hooded chanting monks as soon as I show up, I wouldn’t expect them to also belt out laughing so often, it seemed like a party at a Tavern.” I piped up as they walked me through a pair of large, ornate wooden doors, into a study filled with bookshelves on every wall and a large globe in the middle. Sadly the globe had no continent I could recognize, but it seemed like the continent I was on in this world was quite large, a body of land near the size of Europe and Asia.
“Yes, well, two things, our deity teaches us that we must embrace what brings us joy. That and, you had just successfully fought off the father of the Demon Lord,” They give an embarrassed chuckle. “Truthfully we thought we were all dead after the explosion. many of them soiled themselves, the only thing that saved me was I was smart enough to go before the summoning. after all, our scripture did warn us that it could have taken up to five hours.”
They’ve talked with me since the incident, turning part fanboy, part yes-man. However, they are the first person I feel comfortable around since I got here. “Alright, I can agree with that teaching, on my world religions had edicts from their different gods that we’re way less benign.” Still, the thought that I had just fought off a RELATIVE of the Demon Lord? I thought they were like, a Demon Lord, summoned from the depths of darkness or whatever.
As I stared up and down the dark-green robbed body of what I can safely call my first friend in this new world, “So, I have to know, what was it like in your world, like, what were you going to do before you became a Paladin?” The big green eyes and round face under that hood begging me like a pup for another piece of bacon.
“Huh? well, I suppose I wasn’t told to keep it a secret or anything. I was going to be in the military of my world, I wanted to be a medic on the front line… But that wasn’t an option as I found out.” Laughing, I still feel a bit of pain in my heart. After all, it had been my dream, while I didn’t like the idea of shooting anyone myself, I knew that would be where doctors were the most needed.
They look down, the full hood covering his face; two jewels inlaid at the back of the hood and no other discernible outward markings make them look a little like a plush lizard. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear it, what happened? Were you injured?” Now, this is a toughie.
After a loud sigh, “No, I always knew I was limber, but something was wrong with my joints, in fact, something had been for a long time. You see when it ramps slowly, and it does not falter, you get used to even great amounts of pain…” I break, catching myself, not a fan of explaining it due to reactions just like Charles’, “My joints are, I mean were… incomplete. A certain liquid you, and other people have, wasn’t in mine, making me more flexible. But the pain was ramping, and from what I was told, would only get worse… I guess you could say my body was cursed.”
This made Charles lookup, starry-eyed. “Cursed!?” Well, this wasn’t the response I was expecting. Their head shot up so quick his hood flew off, revealing shoulder length long red hair. “We’ve done some research into that!”
I just nod as they jump up and down. “From what we’ve learned from previous heroes we can surmise hope is kind of like fuel for your soul.” I nod along, I didn’t really get that from what I was told, but these guys have been at this longer than me. “Whatever you did to become a Paladin…” They pause, “Uhm, you don’t need to tell me by the way, from earlier encounters we’ve learned not everyone wishes to share the deeds that allowed them to be reborn.”
I wait…
And wait for a little longer…
Okay it’s been a minute, they clearly want me to tell them, but I think quickly… do I really want to even plant the idea of a firearm in their minds? “I uhm, well I threw myself onto an attacker’s knife at a festival, he was lunging and about to kill at least two people if I hadn’t moved and in my haste, well I seem to have impaled myself.” I blush, thinking up the lie as quick as I can. I don’t know why I felt the urge to lie really, something in me just screamed at the mere thought of having to explain a gun to these people.
It seems they’ve bought it, they nod, “Yes, we’ve heard similar events from two of our other Paladins before, it would seem that even the Deities find such actions commendable.” Every time this monk nods, their hood flops in front of their face forcing me to cover my own face to keep from laughing as it looks, very much, like a lizard made out of rags is trying to gobble them up and they just aren’t having it.
Another man rushes into the room, bowing to me and then stammering, “S-Sir Paladin, your presence has been requested by the honorable Lord-Governor at his Barkwood Mansion!!” He’s feline, around 5’8 with a wildcat appearance. After he speaks he slowly sits down, then bows his head to the ground, Charles quickly fills me in.
“It is customary for messengers of nobility to wait for an answer so they can guide you back, Sir.” They wave, motioning toward the man on the floor, wearing some sort of armor, in places leather with plates of metal over it and what appears to be a spotted pelt around his waist.
“Please stand.” I lower my hand to help him up as Charles quickly grabs it.
“Careful, beastmen are bound by these conventions, if they break them, you will only cause him pain.” They point to the short stumpy tail and I notice that that the armor on the man’s waist isn’t a pelt, but a midriff-like opening in his armor.
I lower my arm and rise, “I would like you to take me to the Lord-Governor, how may I address you, messenger?”
“Grimalkin, Sir Paladin.” He looks up at me, there’s none of that reverence that I’ve seen so far, I can’t tell the emotion on his feline face, but his eyes look like they are screaming at me with… Rage? Contempt? Determination? I truly couldn’t say much other than whatever emotion it was. The way this beastman carried himself told me one thing; that he did not approve of bowing.
And so, I left for the Lord-Governor's house, Charles stammering as I left. “W-We’ll continue our talk later Sir Paladin! I have much to tell you and much to ask!” I look forward to it.
***
Grimalkin, as it turned out, was not much of a talker. “So, care to tell me more about your city?” He walked a couple of paces in front of me, his pants cut off like shorts allowing his digitigrade legs more freedom, the armor on his body was in specific places, less vital areas were covered in leather, but the weird part was the opening on his waist.
We walked, silently for around ten minutes before I tried to break the ice again. “So, uhm, why do you have the exposed middle? I mean, your waist is armored, and you have a leather armor top… why have such a large open spot?”
This got a reaction, but not the one I wanted, he snapped around with a low growl in his tone. “So my Masters may let me serve them as a body-guard while also ensuring they have a quick way to dispatch me if I turn on them.” The hair on his back arches and his pupils shrink in, forming thin diamonds. “You see, we beastmen are wild animals, we have to be kept under control! I mean, after all, that’s why they summoned you.”
With a reaction like that, right after the werewolf attack, that’s a lot of power to just walk around with. Still, this required some prodding; I don’t think the messenger of the Lord-Governor would attack me over speaking. “What do you mean? Because no one has told me why I was summoned except that the Demon Lord is rising again.”
“No, Paladin, the new Demon Lord has risen,” Somehow, the words coming out of his mouth sound like a threat, yet not one made implicitly at me. His face is still hard to read considering it looks more feline than human, but I got a sense of smug satisfaction from his tone...
As we walked through the markets, I could get a rough idea of the kind of civilization this is. We walked inward toward the walled city, large spires with rounded tops lined a walled central city. The more I walked the more I realized where the barracks I had been summoned in were located. It seems the smaller, squarer clay houses lined the outside of the jade walls, with wooden additions to them, sometimes as a shopfront, sometimes as an actual addition to the home. By the time I had passed them, I’d noticed some of the broken down buildings were still functioning stores of some kind, meanwhile, the towering walls grew closer.
From the outside, the inner city looked like if you put the city of Agrabah in the middle of the Scottish Highlands and then tinted it green. Overall the design was more than tacky. But on the inside, it looked more akin to a decadent, colonial age mansion. Truly, no expense was spared in this oasis in a sea of green. As we passed through the gate into the inner city I notice high-end looking stores with gold inlaid in signs and doors.
The guard's armor on the inside was blinding, more ornate, the weapons they wore on their sides and back varied more. Gone were the short swords, in were the jeweled halberds, gold-handled cutlasses, and ruby daggers. A burden was lifted and a breath released that I didn’t know I was holding when I saw that the most advanced projectile weapon I saw was a non-repeating crossbow. Seeing me, the guard and nobles give us a wide breadth as we walked. Grimalkin’s hair raises the more eyes fall upon us, he gets more and more agitated.
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My armor feels heavy.
That doesn’t sound right.
But yes, my armor feels heavy, the more eyes fall upon me and Grimalkin the heavier this armor feels. My pace slows, however strong my new body is, the armor slows my rather speedy pace to keep up with Grimalkin, and soon I fall behind. The lynx’s gait slows to match my own, looking back; almost concerned he slows enough so that I catch up to him side by side. “Paladin, what are you doing? If I look like I’m disrespecting you it could be my head!” he whispers as loudly as he can.
“I… I don’t know, the second I stepped through the door the armor started to gain weight… I’m moving as fast as I can but it must be magic or something.” Grimalkin sighs, speeding ahead a little bit, apparently taking me at my word. For someone who acts so distrustful of me, he’s certainly quick to accept what I say.
The walk to the castle doesn’t take long; soon we walk into the main hall. The east wall is lined with paintings in multiple styles. The rugs look to be made from the finest cloths; jade statues line the walls, increasing in size as we get closer to the throne. On the west side of the room, the statues were separated by paneled windows with velvet curtains. For a Lord-Governor he certainly lives like a king, he truly has a throne, flanked on both sides by two large, jade armor statues, one with a halberd, and the other with a hammer.
“Greetings oh great Paladin, filled with hope and celebrated by the Deities!” An old man with a snow-white beard said, his hair straight and falling down the back of his shoulders. A crown placed squarely on the top of his head, maybe a size or two too small for him. He wears a yellow vest and red cloak around him. Truthfully this feels more like an act, who really uses a throne room like this?
I respectfully give a small bow, “Greetings Lord-Governor, may I ask why I have been called to such a resplendent manor?” Time to pull out all of those big words I learned in English class, vocab quiz is coming in handy, whoever said you don’t use what you learn in middle school? “I was told I was summoned to deal with a Demon Lord.”
He lets out a hearty laugh. “Yes, oh great Paladin, as foretold in our prophecies a Demon Lord has risen again, and we are forced to summon the help of the Paladin.” He throws his arms out to the side in some grand gesture and servants come in from side rooms, the doors hidden by the pictures on the wall, some sort of illusion magic if I had to guess.
Soon a large table is set up in the middle of the room, oh, yes, this makes sense, this must be the dining room! And he’s flexing by having the over the top decorations and throne! Wow, he’s kind of pathetic when you think of it that way.
Still, the spread of food is decadent! A large beast with six limbs is roasted in the middle of the freshly made table, topped with a white silk covering. As well as various fruits and vegetables in side dishes, the only thing I can make heads or tails of is some stuffed squash, reasonably close to me.
“I Lord-Governor Leere of the Green City humbly ask you, will you save my people from genocide?” The silly little man lifts his crown, presenting it like how an old black-and-white movies dance routine would end; he even has a little scepter he’s using as a cane. If his words weren’t so dire I would have burst out laughing, he really had to get better at matching his tone to what he was saying.
“I, Paladin….” Just as I was about to accept wholeheartedly, I remember, or rather, don’t remember my own name. “Uhm, I am sorry Lord-Governor, but I think there is a problem, what is my name?”
The servants continue filling the fabricated table with foods of all kind; I hadn’t realized how hungry I am. “Oh, Sir Paladin, none of you summoned as heroes to this world remember your names, we have no concrete explanation as to why, but our scholars theorize it is to give you a new start.”
That, now that made my head spin, the Deity took my name from me?
Why would they ever do that?
I thought I did them a great boon or whatever.
I must have been out of it for a little while before a servant; a distinguished looking humanoid rabbit placed something delicious under my nose. A squash, stuffed with ground meat and peppers of some sort. Cooked crispy on the outside, the aroma of perfectly seasoned meats with all of the veggies mingling, my mouth was watering before I knew what it was.
“Sir Paladin, take your time finding your new name, from the previous heroes we have learned that it can take time giving up your dead name. I was also informed it has been hours since you were summoned and you have not been offered some of our cuisine. Please, feast and empty your mind, enjoy yourself, for this banquet is in your honor.”
And so I did, they had small sandwiches, meat pies, and a flatbread they seemingly filled with some sort of cheese; honestly, it would have been the perfect kind of snack for me on those long game filled nights melted into the couch. Everything was hand food, which was fine by me, but that also meant I got to try several kinds of food without getting full. Soon I was offered one of the delicious smelling steaming flanks of the centerpiece beast. I bite into it hard, pulling the steaming, semi-pork tasting meat free of the bone and gobbling it down, it melted in my mouth, like well-smoked BBQ.
Soon the desert was brought as the Lord Governor recalled some great adventure as the corps of maids replaced dishes. Sweet smelling pies, pieces of cake covered with berries, jellied cubes filled with fruit, and flatbread filled with what smells like cinnamon and sugar. “So, there I was, facing down two wild boars, one of them had been struck by a feralis snake.”
He starts prancing around, acting like he’s dodging, but he’s never seen combat, it’s obvious in his movements that he spends his days never leaving his pampered life. Still, it seems that many of the other guests buy into it, oohing and aahing at his every word.
“He sneaks off and rides in the back as his guards hunt game,” a quiet voice tells me from behind. It’s Grimalkin’s voice, standing behind me, having snuck up on me as I lean on a window, looking out at the now dark walled city, the moon high in dark blue sky devoid of any familiar constellations. “I was not expecting a Paladin to admit to any weakness, as I have been told many times, the body of a Paladin is incomparable to any native-born on the planet.”
I’m confused yes, but glad he’s finally saying a word or two, I turn to look and see them resting against a velvet curtain. His movements are a little wider; I think he may have put a few back. “Well, my ears work perfectly fine, too bad you didn’t try to… uhm… use them earlier.” well that didn’t go as planned, where was I even going with that? “I mean, why were you so quiet earlier?” The swaying cat gave a small laugh and pointed at me.
“You’re funny; you know that? that’s another thing I didn’t expect from you, I’ve only known Paladins as stuffy old relics.” He is giggling as he says every word.
“Wait, huh?” was all I could get out before I could finish my thought he cut me off.
“I, well I espected you’d be different is all.” he laughs again, not really at anything. “Oooooh, I better go, any of these nobles see a drunk beastman, it’ll be curtains for me.~” The sad tone in his voice is more than a little undercut by him making a hood out of the velvet curtains, with his wild-cat face it looked too adorable for me to react before he bounds out of the room.
***
It was about an hour after Grimalkin hopped away when the little weasel-pope showed up, two-foot-tall white hat, gaudily jewel encrusted with emeralds in the shape of an X with a line horizontally through the middle on the front and back.
The most hilarious thing of all was the little poof ball on a tassel at the very top of this stretched pentagonal hat. “It is good to see you, Paladin! You will see that I am well, thank you for bestowing me with a miracle, allowing the other priests to tend to me as fast as they did. I truly do owe you my life.”
Behind the priest stood Lord-Governor Leere, “I see you have met Vansen, Speaker of the Deity.” I laugh the heartiest, most genuine laugh I have had since I came to this world. This slimy fellow is the speaker of the Deity? I have met the Deity, and while I’ve not known this Vansen that long, the way he carries himself, the way he speaks, it always feels like he has another motive.
Vansan slithered his way around the banquet, feigning pain for sympathy. I’m sure it is fake because I was feeling it for him! Still, it was a two on my own scale, and if the burning was any indication from before, this would still feel like he had gotten every bone in his ghost-arm broken.
“Oh, no, Great Paladin, while I do not know your practices, he is quite qualified according to our standards.” The Lord-Governor gives the fakest smile I have ever seen, but what do I expect? He’s a politician having to be in the same room as a religious leader, they always cow down.
“I apologize, Speaker Vansen, I meant you no disrespect, it is just that…” I pause, but hopefully not for too long so I can think of the best lie I can. “It is just that Vansen is a hilarious word in my own language.”
This time the Speaker chimed. “Oh, our secret texts tell tales of this! The translation installed in your spirit doesn’t always convert names, I understand, but please, do tell me what it means in your language.”
Wait?! WHAT?! Not only was that new information, Installed? But now I’m put on the spot, time to come up with something good. “Oh, well you see it is what we call…. Uhm… It’s an insult meaning the person drinks their own urine.” I nod, satisfied with this answer, just random enough to hopefully not have a word in whatever language they’re actually speaking, but just obscene enough to cause me to laugh.
The room grows silent, not immediately, more like a steady invisible fog spread outward between us three. Every eye in the room looks at us both, I get reminded of earlier when the armor put on weight, but this time it has never felt lighter. The person who breaks the silence is ‘Speaker of the Deity, Vansen’.
“Oh, I could see how this is quite silly then, I would assume the word came from your people's foraging and scavenging days, for it to stay in use that must not have been too long ago.” He says with a smug look on his face, a sneer on his lip, nose turned up to me, but that might just be that he’s still a good half foot shorter than me even without his constant slouching.
So that’s how he wants to play this? “Oh, my people have chosen hunt for sport. You see, we have learned that too many spiced meats and sweet treats can lead to sloth and an early grave.” I give my most confident smile back, crossing my arms causing my armor to clink as I look down at him.
If it were possible, the room would have just frozen over from the dead silence. Not only was no one talking anymore, no one was moving; transfixed at the exchange between myself and the one-armed man. The priest bites his lip for just a split second, and then jabs back, “surely you jest, who would leave this lap of luxury, your world clearly cannot be as advanced as we have been told if you choose to hide amongst the leaves with the game.”
I laugh again, hearty and deep… at least that was my plan, my voice is a little higher than I planned but still garnered a few surprised responses. Unsure what to say and then it comes to me, a smirk crossing my lips as I shoot a quick look at the Lord-Governor.
“You see, our leaders choose not to depend on the help to defend them, and actively train their bodies, hunt large game themselves without the crutch of letting their servants take the honor of the battle from them.” I mean, I remember in history class that Theodore Roosevelt hunted bear so… I assume that would be a terrifying animal in any universe.
“H-Honor?” His mouth shuts, tight; clearly, a chord has been hit. Then, his face softens, all of the contempt and venom of his look melted into his voice with the most sugary sweet tone he could manage. “Well, your leaders do sound worthy! Everyone, a Huzzah for the new paladin’s homeworld, may it still be in good hands with them dead.” The sound of applause returns to the room, as people seem too afraid to let the tension build any further, extra effort had been paid to the word ‘dead’ after all.