“I mean, I’m not a ritualist.” Truth explained. “But I’ve seen this performed a couple of times by an expert.”

“You are a credit to your teachers.” Thrush “loyally” agreed.

“And, you know, everyone always goes on about how important experiential learning is. About not being afraid to fail, so long as you learn from it.”

“That is a lie *cough* thing that teachers do say, yes, Omnibenevolent One.”

“I just feel like this is a great opportunity to get hands on experience. A low stakes, no time pressure situation.”

“I, too, think the impending apocalypse can be safely ignored, Time Lord.”

“Time spent sharpening the ax won’t slow the cutting of the tree.” Truth was quite calm, his hands in constant motion. He really wasn’t an expert on this, and Merkovah had made it look so easy. It was, in fact, not easy. Well beyond his skill level. He knew he was missing important details and refinements.

“I’m just afraid I’m going to go too hard and obliterate it.”

“Entirely understandable. Your merest touch would utterly unmake this worm.” Thrush sounded quite pleased by that fact.

“What do you say, Worm? Can you take much more?” Truth looked down at the rock shaped earth demon.

“SCreeeeEEEEEeeeeAAAAHHHH!”

“Sounds like a yes to me. Right now I’m still figuring out the “masticating” stage. I fear “juicing” is still far off.”

“Lots of time to get it just perfect, Master. The world has at least tens of hours of magic left.”

“Oh stop being dramatic and start being paranoid.”

That got Truth a questioning look. Rare to see a bird look disbelieving, but it was a day for rare things, he supposed.

“You want a demon to be more paranoid. Do you often insist that water be more wet?”

“Can water get wet?”

“An interesting question. One wonders why you ask it.”

“That’s the attitude I want to see! Oh, did the screaming go up an octave?”

“Yes, I do believe your grasp on the GVWP rune has firmed a bit. Though, much more, and the wretch will explode. We can leave him like this indefinitely however. And probably should. Just summon another earth imp, and show them this lout.”

“Meh. Waste not, want not, all that.”

“Another popular lie *cough* teaching I do believe. Out of fear, Master, why do you want me to be more paranoid?”

“I picked this city as a stopping point at random. I am moving through the city at random, or at least, at my whims. I picked this alley as this restaurant practically screamed “rat filled dumpsters.” I only looked at this one particular patch of pavement because the snake I acquired by random whim decided it was more comfortable than the rest of the concrete. I only ripped up the pavement because I like taking an interest in things. And this one spot, out of all the other half-meter diameter spots on the entire planet, just so happens to be a defective plague engine.”

Thrush blinked at that, and hopped from side to side a bit. Neither of them minded the screaming in the background. Truth had set up a noise isolation barrier before starting in on the masticating juicer. Nobody wanted their learning experience interrupted by neighbors lacking in a firm commitment to self education.

“Put like that, I do suddenly feel insufficiently paranoid, yes.”

“Makes you wonder who is plotting against you, luring you into complacency, doesn’t it?”

“Indeed.”

“Especially when you stick the words “mass produced” in front of “plague engine.” As things which are mass produced are intended for wide distribution. Something I just absolutely love associating with plagues.”

“Mmm. No ordinary plague either. It was primarily aimed at humans, but I do believe that given time, it would have killed your serpent as well. Which, again, is not usually how diseases work. Jumping species is quite normal, but a disease capable of killing humans and snakes alike is unusual, to say the least.”

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“Jumping species?”

“Yes. Disease demons are beyond stupid. Actually, ascribing any intelligence to them at all would be a mistake. It’s more like, each colony of them is most suited to a particular place in a particular species. Lungs are a popular choice, as is blood and lymph. So if a disease demon finds itself in the wrong sort of body, it generally evaporates when it can no longer sacrifice its victim’s vitality.”

“But they can jump species.”

“Yes. Hell is chaotic. Sometimes, within a colony, there are a few slightly different demons. If those slightly different demons survive in their new victim, they summon more from Hell. More just like themselves. After all, in the churning trillion trillion changes within Hell, what are the odds that one little disease demon is truly, completely, unique?”

“Near enough zero?”

“Quite. So unless a victim can swiftly slay such demons, either through their own virtue or the intercession of the appropriate potions or magic, they will be feasted upon unto death.”

“And then they jump to the next set of lungs, regardless of species.”

“They don’t tend to wait until the victim dies before trying to spread. Just the opposite, the more the victim moves around, the faster they can find new victims. Although, again, ascribing intelligence to these creatures is incorrect. It is instinct at best.” Thrush preened unconcernedly.

“So. An unknown, but presumably large, number of plague boxes is set to release a vast swarm of disease demons, all of which are, you believe, varied enough to hop species reasonably easily.”

“For a given value of “easily,” yes. This was quite a varied swarm, and decently resistant to my magic. Putting me around Level One, that would make most healing talismans and conventional potions quite useless. To say nothing of how quickly they could ravage the bodies of Level Zero humans.”

Truth’s face twisted as a nasty realization hit.

“The magic apocalypse won’t affect them.”

Thrush laughed nastily. “True. So long as they have living things to sacrifice, they will continue to spread and grow. The more species they can jump between, the harder they will be to contain. If it is possible at all.”

“I can’t wait until they can infest grass and trees. That will be just delightful.” Truth growled.

“It would take a long, long while for random chance to carry them that far. But who’s to say what’s impossible in the boundless chaos of Hell?”

“You are just a living avatar of joy, Thrush, you truly are.” Truth looked up at the night sky. Lightening now, dawn would be coming soon. He checked on Perks again, but the snake was, as best he could tell, healthy and content. Somehow managing to slip between the buttons of Truth’s shirt and make his way down to his usual resting place.

Fingers crossed that lump wasn’t a problem. He really didn’t feel like dealing with a vet. Maybe he would just find a book first? How many snake vets could there be? Hah, even a pet cafe might know more than a vet!

The thought brought him to a happy halt. It had been ages. He was utterly overdue. But he had to protect the fluffies first. He released the spell torturing the earth demon.

“You rethink that attitude?”

“Glorious Magus! Great Wizard, Supreme Amongst Men! It is this imp’s joy to surf-”

“Serve.” Thrush corrected.

“Serve the Mighty Might Guy!”

Truth crouched down next to the suddenly very sparkly rock. “You guys are weird, you know that?”

“All existence is suffering. Earth demons are the lucky ones. At least we get to find suffering satisfying. Rewarding even.” The imp denied it. “The suffering other beings keep asking for is the big weird. Like slapnuts up there- Hey Fuckface, sing us a song and try to forget everything you ain’t.”

“Oh dear, I do believe a worm is daring to squeak at a bird. This story has a happy ending, you will be glad to know.” Thrush’s voice poured like quicksilver.

“One, I’m a rock, you blind fuck, and two, can’t help but notice you didn’t say shit about what I said, which means I win. So, three, go fuck yourself.”

“Master, congratulations on summoning the smartest earth demon! I never would have imagined it could count to three! Let’s see if it knows how to roll over, or beg. It had better know how to beg.”

Truth grinned. “Alright, more time for that later. I’m going to call you… I’m guessing all your previous summoners called you Rocky?”

The earth demon rocked back in shock and gasped “How did you know? I didn’t tell nobody!”

“Wizard tricks. Now. I need you to search around under this town. Your job is to find places you can’t go. I’m not interested in things covered by a home’s protections or a usual spellbowl or anything. I’m looking for warded places, underground, not more than… lets say two meters below the surface and not less than twenty five centimeters below the surface. Remember where they are well enough to mark them on a map. Got it?”

“Make me.”

Truth activated the punishment runes on the summoning. It screamed.

“Jump to it. Do a good job and I’ll throw you back in the masticating juicer.”

“Be a lot cooler if you just left the torment runes on. Incidentally, you have room for at least four more at the inverse cardinals. I can draw you some good ones, if you need a tip.”

“Scram before I book you a spa day!”

“Fine, fine be like that. See if I care.” The earth demon grumbled and sank into the ground. “Should take… I dunno. Time. It will take time to check.”

“How much time?”

“More than a little, less than a lot? What even is time, when you get right down to it? How can time pass? If time is time, how can time time time? It’s like water getting wetter.” The imp had vanished by that point, leaving the head-scratcher behind.

There was peace in the alley. Thrush coughed theatrically. “I should mention that earth demons are also notoriously slow.”

“Oh, I know.” Truth nodded. “Faster than you at this job, though.”

“Mmm.”

Truth waited a moment longer, then realized there was no point in waiting. He shoved the dumpster over the summoning circle etched in the cement, and was on his way. The remainders of the box were carefully disintegrated before he left. He might not be a very good ritualist, but he took that time. He couldn’t stow it in his ring. What if he infected Sally?

Truth idled through the day, continuing his campaign of unrequited altruism. When the veterinarian opened, he dropped in and asked about snakes. The vet didn’t know anything about snakes, but for a sizable deposit, would ask around for someone who did know about snakes. For even more money, he would invite that person to consult. For a considerably larger sum of money, he and the invited consultant would examine the patient.

Naturally, the treatment cost extra. As did the examination room and any supplies expended in the course of the treatment. Not to mention the vet’s flat hourly rate, separate from everything else. Nothing he could do about it. The corporation that owned the veterinary chain had a policy of no discounts.

“Who is your employer?”

“Oh, I’m an independent contractor. I’m not important enough to be a full time employee.” The vet didn’t quite snarl. “I simply work fifty nine hours a week at this specific location performing only the specified actions laid out in the manual using only the tools and medicines I have to purchase from the corporation at their prices, and do my work in the rooms I have to rent from the corporation, in the offices they lease. An employee would work sixty hours. Completely different thing.”

“I understand. Entirely. And the name of this corporation?”

“Whiteacre Happy Health, a VRC Capital Company.”

“Don’t know that outfit.”

“Hobden Clan.”

Ah. Truth wasn’t quite sure where they ranked on the power hierarchy. Not at the very top, or he would know. Still, if they could run a chain of veterinary hospitals, probably decently powerful.

“Don’t suppose they have offices in the city? Or a house?”