Prolog

“SLAYER, GET DOWN!”

The man named Slayer who wore battle worn armor was stunned by what just happened. For one moment they were fighting the corrupted priests of the dark lord. Father Sage, the robot with one eye was locked in a contest of will with his used to be head priest, a lady named Gwenath now in a soiled tattered robe. While that was happening, Slayer and the Gargoyle Druid named Soul were fighting for their lives as things worse than daemons crawled from the rift above the church that split the Skys. Thousands of people in the kingdom were dying every second they couldn’t kill Gwen. That was when Slayer noticed a inky black monster swing at him with a ebony blade, with the edge covered in the shimmering void. It was almost behind, and since he was already using his battle axe to block the creature in front of him, he was going to just try and tank the blow when stoney hands ripped the inky creatures head clean off.

“Thanks for the save Soul” he said

“No times for thanks! Get to Gwen! I’ll hold them off!” Soul said.

Midway through her shout, the sounds of breaking bones filled the air as souls form shifted from that to a nightmarish stone statue to a hulking 10 ft tall creature covered in rippling muscles and Beatle shells. Loosing a roar of defiance, she smashed the floor sending the top of the 500 ft tall winding church down to the ground. Everything became weightless in the fall, and as inky blood splattered across souls shell Slayer wrapped his clench fist across his hilt and activated his tech. Wings like a metal bird of prey spooled out of the back of his armor, and like an avenging angel he flew across the room in a instant and smited down Gwenath, his axe cleaving her in two from nape to chap. Slayer saw the last thing Gwenath would do, and it was a viscous smile, cut abrupt by his cold steel.

Slayer took no time to savor his kill. He saw his friend Father Sage curled into a ball, trying to instinctively protect his silicon and chips from the fall and crash. Slayer picked up Sage in one arm and flew out of the building just as it crashed into the ground. The kingdom fell silent as the church tumbled down, all except for the sound of lighting thundering down from the dark clouds above.

Slayer pounded the earth as he landed down next to the ruins. tightning his grip, Slayer was about to go and search the rubble for their druid when the ruins started to rumble, with a giant galactic star dragon emerged from the church rubble.

“Whew, you almost had me worried their for a second, Soul” Slayer said.

“You know I’m too fabulous to die.” The star dragon said.

“Nah,” Slayer Said “your just too evil to die.”

Soul shrugged at that comment, and continued to admire her scales. The glimmered like obsidian covered in glitter. While Soul and Slayer bantered, Sage looked around him and the devastation his once good church wrought to the kingdom that he so loved. He saw the face of a familiar bread baker as she grieved for her lost child, its intestines ripped open by not the monsters but a crowd that trampled the boy to get away from the monsters. He saw the terror his church wrought for 7 long years while he was gone, and he felt hallow. Sage muttered something that Slayer and Soul heard as clear as day.

“Gwen was right” Sage said.

There was a long moment of silence after that. It was like the world held its breath, waiting for the robot to explain.

“What the fuck are you talking about Sage?” Soul growled out

“Gwen was right. Everything in life is just pain and suffering. There’s not a single point to it” Sage said in a sort of dead pan voice. It was a voice that spoke of an acceptance to an inevitable thing.

“Hold your horses their bro,” Slayer said. “I don’t think you know what you're talking about. You're probably just a little loopy from that fight. If I had to mind brawl that bitch Gwenath, I’d probably be a little dubbed up too”

“I know exactly what I’m saying” the robot said. As he look up and made eye contact Slayer. He could see the one eye that Father sage had, as it shone not its usual blue or even red like it does when ever Samuel took over but a ominous deathly purple light shown. Sage also had an eye socket where a missing camera should have been, and out of that eye socket a small trickle of red blood started to bleed out, and a small green cube could be seen illuminating the darkness, revealing a endless shadow in his gaze.

“Wait, Samuel? We killed you though!” Slayer shouted out.

Shadows seemed to detach from the objects and people that anchored them to their 2d plane and fell into the robots. The robot priest then started to rise as if he was a marinate controlled by invisible strings.

“Samuel and Sage were two sides of the same delicate fractured psyche my friend,” the robot said. The shadows seemed to rise up with him like a cursed lava lamp, and the blood trickle turned into a stream that fell towards the sky. Soul was not having any of this, so she wound her long draconic body and pounced towards the priest. With a simple flick of his hand, he gathered the shadows and back handed Soul, sending her flying a hundred yards away. Taking his time, the robot reached into his chest and pulled something out. It was a fiery delicate sphere made of constrict rings giving it an almost crafted quality.

“Its funny how I longed for the certainty of an after life, yet it was always my deepest desire to be rid of the pain I felt ever since the first time I opened my eyes. I just got my own soul, but now…” it said as he clenched his own gifted soul “I realize that this is the greatest source of pain there is.”

The soul that Father Sage, that Samuel, that what ever this new creature was, a soul that was immutable and un-killable was turned into dust in its hands. It unleashed a wave of darkness onto the kingdom, not one of malevolent evil but one of a soft kiss tonight, and where ever that void touched, men, woman, and children bent their knees to embrace the painless darkness as their souls were obliterated. Slayer fought against the darkness, and as he did the void turned into barbed whips and it flailed into his flesh. Where ever they touched no pain ensued, but only a strength sapping numbness followed. Slayer had not even picked up his axe in defiance and he was already about to fall, but before his final moments ensued into oblivion, there was a light that cut through the shadows. This light was not bright like the sun, but it was the ever present light of the cosmos it self. Souls dragon form had turned from simple scales and claw to the manifestation of the universe itself. She was a silhouette of a cosmos that shown brightly.

“I pity you Sage,” Soul said as she took a step forward “but all the pain you ever felt was inflicted by you onto yourself. I am going to have to put you down like the dog you are”

With that, a thunderously deep and melodic laugh came from the robot. His form was twisting as flesh poured from his joints and blood oozed out of his mouth and eyes. He grew like a cancerous tumor feeding upon the souls that he had ground to dust.

“It is you that should be taking pity upon, and pity is what I shall give you Soul Gargoyleson,” with each word that came from his mouth, it sounded more like a combination of a gentle father and the thundering clap of lighting “I shall let you know your savior. I am the Last Disciple of Grimmace, ruler of un-death. I am the Final Priest of the true god Kealgo, Father of all of Creation and destruction, and I am the harbinger of a new era, the era of eternal sleep. May you rest peacefully in the eternal darkness”

As the Dark Harbinger said his final alms, light pierced the sky, and from the light came the pantheon of the world. All the gods, both big and small stood by Souls side. Out from all of the stood Zeus, king of the gods.

“As long as I stand, you will not proceed.” Said Zeus, with the might of a thousand spartans yelling into the sky.

“Than you shall not stand” said the Dark Harbinger

Like a breeze, the tower of flesh and steel slipped past the dazed Slayer and with a singular smooth motion, he stabbed Zeus straight through the heart. Zeus was now dead, but his body didn’t accept it as he crashed his fists into the Dark Harbinger with all his might. As the gods and as Soul dog-piled onto the Dark Harbinger, a hand grasped at Slayers shoulder. He turned to see the purpled skin god Dionysus.

“Slayer! You must run! My brothers won’t be able to hold what sage has become for long!” He pleaded with Slayer.

“Run? Run where? The only chance to win is to fight him!” Slayer yelled back.

“Not exactly. You still have your last wish spell Slayer. He’s too powerful to kill with a Wish spell, but with all of the gods might, we can send you back in time, and you can try to stop this from happening” Dionysus said as he yelled over the sounds of battle.

Slayer was about to ignore Dionysus when he saw the Dark Harbinger slaughter the god of the Sun with only a couple of attacks, the darkness rushing into the gods face and proceed to lobotomize him by painting the buildings behind him with the gods divine brain. Looking back at Dionysus, Slayer took another moment.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Dionysus made a grimacing smile and said “Of course I’m right, now cast the fucking spell so you can save us!”

Slayer said a silent prayer and activated the little spot in his brain where the spell resided. The Dark Harbinger instantly noticed the change in energy and dropped the fight it currently had with the gods to scramble towards Slayer. A dark spire spewed from the Dark Harbingers chest reaching towards slayer as he said this:

“I wish to go back to make things,” the spire pierced his chest, but slayer finished the spell by saying “right”.

The Dark Harbinger screamed in fury as the world contorted and shifted in front of Slayers eyes until he appeared in the middle of the woods, where he promptly fell over from the pain of being stabbed in the chest.

“ Breath in AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, fuck”

He then took off his armor to check the damage done to him. Luckily, it looked like the spear had missed his heart, just barely though. As Slayer was checking on his health, he heard the crunch of leaves. As he turned around, he saw 2 little green men with warted noses and snaggly teeth along with a troll about twice the size of Slayer.

“Oh fuck,” he said, but he wasn’t able to say anything more as the troll club parted his head from his body. There he would be laid to rest as the trolls war-band would raid a nearby village.

Chapter 1: The Ballad of King Larry, Part One

15 years later

“How much longer do we have to wait, Slayer?” Soul whined.

“Chill out bro, the mercenaries aren’t even here yet” said Slayer.

“But I’m so bored!!!” Soul exclaimed.

“If you're so bored, why don’t you play with Sprite and pick some grapes” Slayer than pointed at a tiny 3 inch tall skeleton who was floating around and putting some wild grapes in a small bag of holding.

“Grapes are nasty though! They don’t even have the right eyeball consistency!”

“Shut up Soul! I think I see something!” Slayer whispered

“How dare you tell me to shut up! I’ll steal your eyes while you sleep” said Soul.

They were hiding in an inconspicuous shrub on the side of the road. A road that lead to the Kingdom of Larry. On the horizon, they could see a trio of adventures on the road. It was hard to see who they were at first, but as they drew closer, it was clear to see that they were who Slayer was after. Just to make sure though, Slayer took a piece of paper out of a satchel he had and compared the descriptors.

“There’s Smazlin, the guy who wears armor. Oh, and there’s John, the gal that looks pretty evil, and then there’s JimBob the weird looking guy.”

“Such vague descriptors” Soul noted

“Thats lucky for us. Because of this intercepted letter for the king, we can kill these guys and take their jobs as being advisors getting a huge pay day.” Said Slayer.

Sprite had decided that this would be the best time to start annoying Soul by rubbing grape juice on her horns. She tried to grab Sprite but he was slightly to fast and she just ended up smacking her horn instead.

“And why the fuck do we have to have this small grape obsessed dipshit?” Soul asked.

“Well Soul, the letter said that there needs to be a weird guy. I don’t think you can get weirder then Sprite. You would know that if you read the copy of the letter I gave you before eating it”

“Reading is so un-natural though!” Soul Exclaimed.

After a long pause, she started to grumble under her breath about grapes and small dancing skeletons before she decided to jump out of the bush and stop straight in front of the trio they were hunting.

“Huh, I guess plans and sneak attacks are un-natural too.” Slayer said to himself before getting ready to pounce on them. Sprite got ready by shoving a grape in his ribcage.

In front of Soul there were 3 guys and gals. The one that was at the head of the pack was a orcish looking woman with leather armor, no hair, and 2 wicked looking daggers at her side. The person to her left was a 6 ft tall creature wearing full plate with a long sword and a tower shield with a red snake crest. On her right was what looked to be a lizard man who wore a pink robe and had his fingers replaced with wooden wands.

“Who the fuck is this ninny?” barked the orc

“Hmmph, are you Johny?” asked Soul. her long tailed swished in displeasure as she casually picked at her long wicked fingernails.

“Oh, this one knows my name! And whats it to you, freak?” John spoke.

“Oh good, I get to kill you and take your eyeballs.” replied Soul.

Not giving John a chance to reply back, Soul twisted her hands to form a spell of malevolent energy and shew threw it at John. John only had enough time to raise her dagger to try to deflect the energy, but her armored friend Snazlin was able to get in front of the blast.

John grinned and readied her self to dash at the gargoyle in front of her when she noticed that the blast didn't disperse off her friends shield, but rather stuck on like a glob of snot. Tendrils of green wretched vines grew from the viscous energy and crawled into her friends helm.

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Snazlin dropped his shield and blade so he could claw at his helm, but as he ripped out vines from his face, more grew in their stead. The battle became abundant with the screams of pain and terror from the armored giant. John was about too dash to Soul to try to disrupt her spell, however that was when she saw a glimmer of steel in the corner of her eye. Her wicked reflexes let her dodge a surely fatal blow from the great sword that Slayer wielded. John took a moment to take stock of the new threat that had interpose between her and the witch that tortured her friend. This man wore an old war-torn armor that looked like it had scars from a great and terrible battle. The faceplate of this knight obscured his face entirely, so that she could not tell if this was man, creature, or machine.

“Oh, hey there, the names Slayer,” the armored man said casually as he drew back his great sword “could you do me a favor and um, die, please?”

“The audacity of this bitch,” John muttered under her breath, “Jimbob, do something, NOW!”

“Oooooooo, it’s my turn now! Heheehehe” cackled the lizard man wizard.

As he raised his hands up, he wiggled his knobby finger wands like he was playing the piano and thin strands of mana began to form around him. His arcane art was reaching a crescendo as blue bulbous lights appeared from the strands. With a wave of his scaly hands, the bulbs were sent towards Slayer. They seemed to drift at a deceptively fast pace, and in no time at all they were upon Slayer. As he ducked and weaved through the bolts, he noticed that the kept changing direction to still hit him. He was finally struck when he backed up into one as he was dancing around.

“Ouch! That kinda hurt a little, ow, ow, ow, you know, ow, thats not very, ow, nice of you, ow, lizard guy” Slayer said as the bolts exploded against his armor.

“Oh! Im sorry. I’ll stop doing that” replied Jimbob, as his face blushed with genuine embarrassment.

“The FUCK Jimbob! He’s trying to kill us! Do more of that!” yelled John.

As Jimbob got utterly and hopelessly confused with the situation and whether it would be more polite to stop killing the man trying to kill them or to follow his mean bosses orders, a small skeleton that was only a few inches tall flew across the battle field and landed on Johns shoulder.

“Hey… whays goo baby gurl?” Sprite said in possibly the strangest way anyone has ever spoken before.

“...What?” John replied back.

“Grape bomb.” Sprite said back very simply has he handed her a single grape.

“...WHAT?!?” John yelled back at sprite.

As John looked down at the grape the walking Hallucinogenic catastrophe handed her, she saw in a split second the grape it handed her explode into a shockwave of sound and thunder. Though John only bent down for a moment, it was all that was needed for her to feel the heavy slap of steel meet her back. As she looked up from her in prompt to creator, she saw not the visage of Slayer, but her own friend wreathed in a thorny crown as blood gushed from his maw.

“Snazlin? What are you doing?” she asked as she doubled over from the pain of having her spine being used as a door knob.

“Yeah,” said Soul, as her hands started to contort again like gnarled old trees in the deepest mires of the mind, “Turns out immense and truly horrible pain can make someone go absolutely Feral”

“You fucking monster!” John yelled as her serrated daggers caught the flesh of her friends arm, making him let go

“Oh, now she’s getting it” cackled Soul. as her spell finalized, the sound of stone grinding and flesh ripping out of the air like a tidal wave could be heard as Soul transformed into that of a ghoulish beast, like that of a mad bear with arms elongated like viscous scythes and a snout as insidious as a bloodied axe. As Soul dashed towards John in a stumbling arc, John grabbed her friends arm and tugged down, making Souls strike hit the angry mass of blood and steel.

Snazlin howled in agony as he grasped Souls snout and used it as a makeshift club to throw at John, or at least where she just was. As Souls body smashed into a creator, Slayer was on look out. His instincts were silent until he felt something was amidst to his right. Throwing out his long sword, it met the strike of the 2 bloodthirsty blades that the orc wielded.

“You know, your not being like super polite” said Slayer

John replied back only in a grunt of effort as she used one of her blades to deflect his blade while the other blade seeked a weak spot. Finding one, she plunged it into his armpit. Blade parted cloth and chain mail severing muscle and releasing warm red blood. As slayer swore in pain, she lifted her dagger out to retreat when she noticed she couldn't. In a cold sweat she realized Slayer had let go of his sword to grapple the arm she wounded him with. She was quick as she tried to stab the hand that held her, but he was quicker. She plummeted to the ground as a ton of armored muscle fell upon her. She tried to stab him again, but Slayer head butted her skull his his helm dazing her.

He kept head butting her until the sound of her skull splitting open filled the air, and then he kept going until her gray matter coated his visor like war paint. During this time, Soul fought against a monster of her own creation. Snazlin was covered in a crown of thorny vines, and it seemed like it only made him more angry by the second. As Soul stood her ground against the crazed knight, she observed his chaotic movement until she saw an opening.

There it was. Snazlin was trying to reach her, leaving his side exposed. As soon as she saw it, she took advantage of it striking his side with a feral strike from her claw. The strength of her strike shredded metal and tore through flesh and bone, but Snazlin did not care as his jaw tore through his helm so that he could bite her. Jagged teeth met Souls snout, and the bitter rush of pain tore through her. This left an opening for Snazlin to tear his fist through her beastial chest, ripping flesh and fur with each blow. Souls form was giving out, but as her inky black blood drained from her body she focused on her form.

Snazlin was caught holding nothing as Souls form evaporated with the wind leaving behind what looked to be a squirrel. As Snazlin reached to grab it, the squirrels jaw unhinged to reveal rows of needle like teeth. This freakish sight made Snazlin pause for a moment, but that was all the time Soul needed. The squirrel dashed up into the knights neck plate and planted a vicious death bite onto his adam’s apple. Snazlin flailed trying to get Soul of him, but that only made the wound more grievous.

Finally, Snazlin’s hand wrapped around Soul and yanked her off him. She still held onto his throat though so as he pulled, the sound of his own neck snapping and squelching could be heard. He threw her to the ground and lifted up his foot to stomp her in half when the blood lost finally came to him and he fell face first into the ground, bleeding out to death.

“Holy Jimbus, what a fight” remarked Slayer.

“Hey Slayer, you got a bit of brain right there.” said Soul, as she motioned with her tiny paw to the entirety of his helmeted face.

“Oh,” he said. He ripped some cloth from Johns corpse and wiped his face plate off, or at least tried to. All it accomplished in reality was smudging the blood and brains around.

“Is it off now?” Slayer asked.

“Sure it is,” answered Soul. “Say, isn’t there another guy to kill around here?”

It only took a second of searching before they found the last man Jimbob. He was tied to a tree with ropes of dark magic as Sprite tortured him by telling him about his grape collection.

“... and this grape, I found this grape at the bottom of a trash can. Can you believe that someone threw a perfectly good grape like this away? Oh, and this grape… oh, hey guys! I didn't see ya their? Hows it hanging my dear ollll chums?”

As Sprite turned his attention to Soul and Slayer, they could see Jimbob pleading with them to get him as far away from this creature. His eyes were as hollowed as peeled grapes.

“Jeez Sprite, didn’t you learn anything from nature?” chided Soul, “Don't play with your food for too long. You gotta kill em while the fear and adrenaline is still at their peak in their veins”

With that remark, the squirrel turned back into a gargoyle and walked over to Jimbob, where her talons fell into is throat ending his miserable life.

“Ah man, but I didn't even tell him about the squishy grape I found on the side of the road!” Sprite said

“I swear to GAIA, if you mention one more thing about grapes, I'm eating you.” replied Soul.

As Sprite was about to make another comment that would have most likely had his bones chewed on by the gargoyle, Slayer stepped in.

“So, we did it guys, Wooo!”

“Yeah, and?” said Soul.

“That means that we get to steal their identities and get paid money to become advisors, so much money that I’ll be able to pull out all the stops for my revenge quest. You hear that? M-O-N-E-Y” said Slayer.

“You know that money is just an imaginary concept. I could achieve anything money can buy out here in the woods.” said Soul

“Ooo, Imaginary might be too big of a word for you Soul. like you always say, big words are un-natural!” rebutted Slayer

“Hey, that was only one time!” pouted Soul

“Besides, call me a princess if I want to have a little comfort while I sleep and not get assaulted by possums.” said Slayer

“Im still sad that you killed Timmy” said Sprite

“Timmy was a raccoon that had rabies,” Slayer said, “anyways, we're getting off track here my bros. Lets loot the bodies and get skedalin. I don't want to miss dinner”

“I call dibs on the eyeballs!” shouted Soul.

It took the merry band of misfits and dummies 3 hours to get to the Kingdom of Larry. as the castle peaked over the horizon, they could see that the city and castle were very moderately sized, and the walls looked like they haven't been tended to for over a decade. The guards made up for the else wise lacking kingdom, as the entire wall was fortified with knights at attention, their armor shining like an opal. Though armor covered most of their body, none of them wore helmets, showing all the world to see a face that looked like a mix between a mans and a dragons face. These draconic warriors had scales the color of gold, and overall were a menacing sight to view. Each one of them had a silver bladed long sword that looked sleek and fierce, just like a diving dragon that they rested on while they took watch over the wall.

As they walked closer in, Slayer took stock of his team. Glancing at soul, he saw the 7 ft tall woman with a stony skin and bat like wings. Her massive tail and dinosaur like feet made her look quite monstrous, though she had very nice silver hair and ebony black horns. She was by all standards beautiful, though not quite Slayers mug of ale as she was way to crazy and barbaric. Looking to his other side, he could see the 3 inch tall skeleton hovering over the ground. The only real thing of note that was on him was a tiny satchel that could somehow hold an endless amount of grapes.

Finally, he took stock of his own equipment. His blade was a simple longsword that could deal blows well enough. His armor was a very old set of armor that had seen many battles before it fell into Slayers hands, but it had serve him well over the last few years. Slayer was certain that he would have been dead already if not for this mysterious armor he found in the forrest. Finally, he checked his own satchel. It had the necessities and nothing more.

As they reaches the front gate, a knight stood in their path and confronted them.

“Welcome to the Kingdom of Larry. State your name and Business”

“Why hello brother, I Am Snazlin, the knight guy” said Slayer.

“I am the one known as Jo-ahn.” replied Soul

“And I am… Bobjim? No, no, its Jimbob… Definitely Jimbob. I think” said sprite

Soul stayed stoic, and luckily for Slayer no one could see his face contorting in pain from the cringe that Sprite said. There was a tense silence as the knight examined them. After a long moment, he asked them a question.

“Can I see your invitation?”

“Of course my gooood sir” Slayer said. As he reached into his satchel, Soul put her hand up.

“No no, allow me” Soul said.

For the next 10 seconds, she bent over and started hacking up. The guards watched pensively as the gargoyle regurgitated a wet and foul smelling copy of the invitation. She striked a confident pose and smiled.

“This will do, yes?”

The invitation was plopped into the knights hand. Goosebumps covered the knight as he tired to not throw up from what this gargoyle just handed him. It looked wet, but the liquid was thick and viscous in his hands, and the smell was like if an entire barnyard cemetery was dug up and the bones were used to dry out rotting meat. The sensory overload made the dragonborn’s mind go haywire until he just caved in.

“SSSSSUUUUURRRRRRREEEEE… please follow my friend as I go to burn off my own hand.”

The knight he had just enroll to help the guests was looking for any way to get out of guest duty, but he was already doomed.

“So, why don't you take us on a tour through Larry town? We’ve heard so many things about it” said Soul.

“Uhmmmmm, you must be famished! You know the royal dinner will be done soon! Why don't I take you there?” said the knight

“Sighhhhhh, well if you insist I suppose so. It’s such a shame to not be able to go on a tour though.” remarked Soul.

“I’m sure it is” replied the knight.

Though the guard did his best to maintain a straight forward path to the looming castle that stood over the town like a mountain does over a forrest, he found him self to be a most unfortunate man as Soul would get easily distracted, stoping them all at the sight of an animal just so she could converse about the political scene of the underground cat mafia, all the while Sprite would try to strike up conversation about all the interesting grapes he found on his journeys.

“Why must I be tested so” the knight yelled out when he couldn’t take any more facts about the small juicy fruit that would be hence forth be in his nightmares.

“Quite you mange!” Soul said, scolding the knight. “This orange tabby shouldn’t be interrupted! He’s telling me where the easiest marks in this kingdom are.”

“What?!” Asked the bewildered knight.

“Hey knight, how far away are we from the castle?” Asked Slayer.

At this point, the knight fumed so hard with frustration and annoyance that even his helm grew flush like a boiled lobster. Unable to speak coherently, the knight jabbered gibberish until he was so filled with confudlement that he just started to run away screaming from the party.

“Ah, no, wait! I was just getting used to being around normal dudes again!” Yelled Slayer. He waited a second for a response, but all he got in reply was a maddening scream of anguish.

“Oh, look Slayer, we’re here” commented Soul.

At this, Slayer and Sprite turned their gaze towards the towering castle. It was an old looking stronghold, made of hewn stone that looked rough due to the erosion only an icy and strong wind could bring. Vines grew on the sides, but only to ten or so feet before it looked like even the vines gave out before such a height.

“This fort is pathetic” remarked Soul. “They call this a castle? Ive seen hovels bigger than this.”

“Those must have been pretty big hovels” remarked Sprite.

“Eh, they were decent sized. They were, well, hovelish compared to the castle I used to live in.” Said Soul.

As they walked closer to the castle, they heard trumpets ring out, and the grinding of chain as the innermost gates were opening for them.

“The fabled adventures John, Snazzlin, and Jimbob have heeded our Kings call for Aaaaaaadeventure!”

The rag tag band of totally not duplicitous mercenaries made their way into the inner walls of the keep where they saw regiments of at least a hundred knights training. They put on a truly impressive show as golden guards clashed against each other in a flurry of elegant moves, as if they were bards that spent their whole lives dancing for the stage. The battles were not confined to a small space either, instead each pair would flow through other knights in their fight, often guiding the blades of their longswords a hairs width so they would not strike their a knight that they weren’t sparring with. It was a show of strength and elegance even Soul was impressed by. Sprite was too busy staring off into the distance however, having no thoughts what so ever.

As they were guided to the inside of the keep, there was something else that caught Slayers eyes. Seemingly in the middle of the crowd of knights, there was an old Dragonborn who wore a rustic red cape. There was a circle around that knight that had looked as if not a single step was taken on it. That knight watched Slayer and his group as they entered the keep.

They were granted a tour by someone who looked to be a bard, as they wore vibrant orange clothes that hung at some places and bagged up in others. Though the bard looked immature and jubilant, Soul noticed the calluses on the bards hand that spoke of a childhood and life of hard labor, and though he had a youthful face and couldn’t be more then 19, there were some scars that were poorly hidden with make up that marred his brow.

It took much time to walk through the castle at the leisurely pace they had. The keep was decorated with a rich red carpet, and ferns that were placed next to the window sills. The hallways would be graced with a beautiful painting every dozen steps, with each painting depicting a piece of history for the Kingdom of Larry. It showed how it was all swamps and marshlands with tribal dragon-folk battling each other for a nearby marsh dragons amusement, until one day a young noble came with his army of slew the dragon, and subjugated the barbarians. Once they had accepted him as their king, Larry had them trained in all matters of the art of war, buying the best tutors money could buy.

Uniting some nearby villages, he had this city state built, surrounding the old castle the dragon used to live in. While Slayer pondered the paintings, Soul took a different approach to gathering information.

“So, what do your superiors call you boy?” She asked the bard.

“They call me Fredrick, and I’ll have you know that i’m no boy!”

“Oh please, once you live a few hundred years, all of your kind are basically children”

“That’s funny,” Slayer chipped in “your usually the one that acts like a brat”

“Well, I have to keep myself youthful. Theres no better way of doing that then tearing other people down for my own amusement”

After a couple seconds of silence, Fredrick spoke though he trailed off as if he knew his comment might cause him trouble.

“You guys don’t sound like hero’s…” the boy said.

“We don’t have to seem like hero’s to be hero’s.” Replied Sprite, “Besides, its not like I chose to be a hero. It was simply the best way to achieve my goal”

Sprite had that twinkle in his small eye holes that spoke volumes, like a mad man looking for an ancient artifact.

“And do pray tell, what was your goal where becoming an adventurer was the easiest route to achieve it, little skeleton man?”

“I’m on a quest to find the most perfect fruit in all the land… the holy graplee”

Fredrick was dumfounded by the idiocy of such a pursuit to the point that he was left with no words, while Soul groaned as if she was criticality wounded by such a statement.

“Is everything that comes out of your jabbering jaw an insult to our brain, or has hanging around you just made me stupider” Soul spouted, “there is no such natural thing as a graplee!”

At this point, Slayer was wondering to himself if he was sure these were the only two people he could have really convinced that could have vaugly fit the previous adventurers identities. Before he had enough time to come up with a plan to replace the gargoyle lady and the pile of bones the size of a tooth pick, they were at the doors to the kings throne room.

“Well… gentle creatures, this is where I make my hasty leave” said fredrick. Before the group had any time to respond, the bard ran off.

“Ok guys, now listen very closely,” said Slayer “are you listening? Sprite, pay attention dude! Ok, so I will be talking to the king. Not you soul or sprite. When I secure the position, we will NOT talk about grapes. We will NOT try to steal the kings, or any of his friends eyeballs. We will NOT throw up on him or anywhere in the castle. Do I make myself clear?”

“Gah, so many rules!” Said soul

“And you will follow them. That is the only way we are getting this job. Sprite, do you understand.”

“…”

“Sprite?”

“…”

“SPRITE!”

“What?”

“… sprite, my dude, my man. You are not making this easy.”

Before Slayer could re-explain his intricate and well thought out plan again to the tiny skeleton, the loud creaks of doors opening filled the air as trumpets blared like mad dogs barking at birds.

“King Larry will now have audience with you, Snazlin, Joahn, and Jimbob.