“You’ll find them eventually”
So easy to say when you know it’s true for you and those around you.
Of course it’s true.
Of course it is.
It changes for everyone, that insecurity that haunts your dreams.
That thought that stops you from being yourself.
It varies between people.
Between backgrounds.
Between personalities.
Not knowing who you are.
Never able to get anywhere no matter how hard you try.
Not being able to stop.
Never belonging.
Pieces of my personality,
Shining though in different ways.
Different people each making me so happy in different aspects of my life.
Groups to each I “belong”.
But I’ve never been found.
Never belonged fully.
Always there for a bit, never forever.
There’s none like me, I know that.
~
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The home I am ever seeking.
The home others seem to have found.
From talking I am “doing everything right”.
Fuck am I.
I am being overally social in the hope that I’ll find them.
Some people make friends so easily.
Therefore they take friends for granted.
Because they’re so easy to find, right?
I try bloody hard to get and keep friendships,
But what would they do for me?
From everything I give them, will they give it to in return?
19 years and nothing.
Still I’ll keep looking.
“You’ll find them eventually”
No.
I’ll be stuck looking forever.
Alone.
~
I wish I was brave enough to love you.
When I belong I am so grateful, even for such a short time.
I love you, I adore you but nothing I feel comes in return.
I wish I was brave enough to love you.
But my heart always ends up broken.
Yet yours keeps on beating.
~
I try to look after myself.
To heal myself.
I have to heal myself.
None will help me do it.
This is why I smile why I cry.
It’s a defence, it’s my coping strategy.
When I go quiet,
When I smile with tears streaming down my face.
I am screaming for help.
I just feel so alone.
Like a ghost.
I am myself.
But nothing comes from it.
Bulling wears you down.
As a child you are truly yourself.
When you are bullied for being yourself.
You truly believe it is you.
I love everyone because I know how much it hurts.
But what would you do for me?
It is me? Is it my fault?