I don't know when it started, I don't know if it'll end.
Is it my destiny to be so miserable and weak?
Is it my destiny to make the people around me so miserable?
No, I'm not proud, I don't think I could ever change it, change me; I've tried so fucking hard. I find myself over and over again doing things I don't even enjoy just to change, to stop thinking. I don't to think, I can't think.
Ask me if I'm happy:
"Yes, guess so." I really don't know. Am I truly happy? I don't know, don't know. I'm not sad, it's the happiest moment of my life maybe, maybe it's just the least painful moment of my life so far, because I feel nothing now
Why? Why do I feel nothing?
I have so many regrets, I should've said, I should've done.
What would have become of me if I hadn't made so many mistakes? Would I be happy now or would I be as miserable as I am now?
Even though I don't have time for so many questions, I should study.
Study.
Why don't you do it?
You don't, you're in your room just thinking, you should be studying.
—I hate this subject—I mutter as I bang my pencil, victim of my suffering, against my desk incessantly.
Desk which used to be a shade of white, you could say clean and now it's a mix of soup, honey, tea and all the other substances that have touched it. I should clean it up. My room isn't that bad either... If you ignore the trash and mess of books and clothes.
...
Ten minutes ago I thought I should do something to calm myself down, and now I'm here, with the music blasting, trying to drown out stupid thoughts.
I let a snort come out of my mouth, why did it have to be me? So miserable, a mockery to the people who love me. In a world where almost everyone has abilities and magic and such, I- I had to be unique and be part of that one percent that are... Abnormal.
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Specialists argue that I'm young and will only develop them late.
«She hasn't had her canonical event yet» they say. Because it's a supposed scientific fact that almost everyone develops them at their canonical event and that has to be real shit. I've seen 6-year-olds with abilities, how is your canonical event going to happen before you're 6?
«She's lived a peaceful life. She'll be okay. She hasn't become special just yet» Well, I am special you dumbass.
—Aaaaagh how boring, no wonder my powers haven't developed, I never leave this room —I say slowly, so lazy that I even show it in my words.
After a few seconds of thinking about it, I finally get up from that uncomfortable and dirty desk chair and walk out of my room, I can't hold back my thirst for so long.
Taking steps so slow that they feel like I'm crawling, the hallway that connects my room to the rest of the house feels so long even though it's only a few steps.
And when I leave that hallway, that's where you can see the big difference from my room and everything else. The house, in perfect condition, of course, not because of me, but because of my mom and sister.
I feel guilty for doing nothing in this house besides washing dishes once in a while, but it's hard to leave my room to do something that others can do for me.
When I finally get to the kitchen I find my mother, the last person I would want to see.
"May, I see that you've already decided to do something more productive than listening to music in that piece of junk you call a room," she comments with a bitter and sarcastic tone as she takes a sip of what appears to be a cup of tea. "Since you left your room you should do something, right? Like take a shower and fix that."
She points at my hair, something so common in her, she hates it, hates the color, hates the texture, hates the type, hates it and I don't know why honestly, I've never dared to ask, maybe I never will.
"I still don't understand why you don't dye your hair and leave it like that." It had to be you, clearly, always trying to disappoint me. —Oh my god, the audacity of her to say it's to disappoint her, really?
«Mom, in case you haven't realized yet, not everything is about you, not all of us are fucking idiots, motherfuckers who want you to like us or be like you» I would have loved to say that, but it's my mom, clearly I won't.
Instead of saying everything I can think of in the awkwardness of the moment, I stay quiet, I walk past her to grab a glass and pour myself another drink other than water, water is... disgusting. It's tasteless, no emotions when you take a sip, which makes me hate it. Maybe because my life is like water, tasteless and not at all exciting or just because it's my tastes.
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Canonical event: «used in some comics, series and films to describe situations that are destined to occur. Nothing can or should be done to prevent them, despite the possibility of travelling in time or between different universes.» As stated by the website «El Mundo».