Douglas passed through the door and walked inside my house.

That was new. He just passed through the solid oak door. I wonder if that means he couldn't influence things in the simulation. An idea started to form in my head, but I filed that away for later.

"Wait, I thought you said we shouldn't go inside!" I called loudly. No response. I looked around to see if anyone had noticed me shouting at a door like an idiot. No one watched me. Then I touched the door, expecting my hand would pass through. It didn't. I felt even more like an idiot. I let out an exaggerated exhale, opened the door, and went inside.

Douglas had maneuvered himself into the kitchen. I entered the cramped space with him.

"Go ahead and take something that doesn't require cooking out of the refrigerator."

I opened the fridge and looked around. Not a lot of choices.

"I'm not asking you to create a Baked Alaskan." Again, his choice of words reminded me that Douglas could read my every thought. Not annoying at all.

I took the apple out and a label appeared on it. "Apple" I clicked on it and the following stats appeared: "This is an apple. Yum. Energy: 1, Potential Energy 15, Constitution: 95%"

"Ok, what's with all the snarky labels?" I asked. "Who writes these?"

"You do. That is also why it says it is just an Apple and not a McIntosh Apple or a Granny Smith. You don't know the difference between them."

That made no sense to me. "I don't get it. If we are in a simulation then everything about the world should be known and I should be able to access it." Score one for me.

"You are in a simulation and it does know everyone. But your code has access to a fixed amount of memory, computing and energy." Douglas motioned to me the way one does about to impart a juicy secret. "I hear," he pauses and looks around. Satisfied they are alone he continues in the whisper, "I hear that if you find a special type of lighting appliance you can wish for anything you want."

"Really?" I said too quickly. I thought about it. A lighting appliance. I get it. A magic lamp. Ha ha.

Douglas stood straight again and returned to his headmaster tone, "Ok, bring up your stats again."

I did.

Energy: 426/hour

Potential Energy: 130,033

Max Energy Conversion: 1000/hour

Computation: 50

Max Computation: 500

Memory: 30233

Max Memory Free: 270000

Networking: 20

Max Networking: 50

Einstein Value: .3

Rest: 96%

Constitution: 78%

I noticed that my potential energy had gone down a little bit, as had my rest and constitution. But I also noticed that my Memory had gone up by one. I was starting to understand.

"So the Memory is what I have stored? It's my knowledge? And it went up because I learned something new."

"Yes. But it can also go down as you forget things."

"And the Max Memory is what my brain is capable of learning. Well I'll be, I guess they were right when they said we only use 10% of our brain."

Douglas shook his head. "No, they were wrong about that, but they were right in that we all love to find patterns where none rightfully belong. Now I want you to take the apple into your code and convert it to energy."

I went to bite into the apple. "No, don't eat it, just take it into your code."

I held the apple as though it were a Rubik's cube and attempted to work it out. "So if I eat it I won't get the the same benefits?"

"You will, but the conversion will cost you more. The simulation is incredibly complex. It will simulate the saliva breaking the food down in your mouth, the gastric acids further breaking it down in your stomach, the crap that doesn't benefit you congealing into a..."

"Stop, I get it."

Douglas shrugged, "If you take the code of the apple into your system you can convert it at 100%."

That made sense I guess, but there were going to be a lot of pissed off chefs out there.

I was about to take it into my inventory when another question popped into my head. "Why does the apple have a constitution?"

"Everything has a constitution. Anytime it falls below 100% you will see that number appear. It happens mostly with organics. Organics have the easiest potential energy to consume because they can lose it the most easily. Think about how much harder a rock would be to release energy from. Potential energy is the energy stored minus the energy needed to extract it. That's what your Einstein Value calculates."

This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

I had seen the Einstein Value, but thought that meant...

"It does not mean how close you are to being as smart as Einstein. If it did, I'm not sure we could support enough significant digits past the decimal to represent it."

"Hey, that's being a little harsh." I said.

"You are right. I'm sure this simulation software could support that many zeros. Any who ha, it represents the equation for converting mass into energy. But in our case where there is no actual mass, it means the cost to convert one code base's access to energy into another code base's access to energy."

I furled my brow at that tongue twister. Douglas rolled his eyes, "The bigger the number, the less of the potential energy you will get by converting the item. If the number is over 1, you'll actually lose energy by converting it."

"That makes no sense. All of this is just code. It should never cost more than you get."

Douglas blinked, "I just work here."

I could see following this absurd concept with a tutorial would get me nowhere. I moved on. "Why does it show me using 50 of my computation?"

"Computation is your ability to process information. That includes calculations, manipulation, synthesis. Essentially think of Computation as a measure of how good you are at problem solving, and Memory as a measure of how much you know. You are always processing information, like what you see, hear, feel and touch, so that number will never be zero."

I had him now, "Unless I die!"

"Not even then. Your body will decompose and the software will continue running until it ceases to exist or is taken in by something else."

"Taken in? Is that some sort of special simulation process?"

"No, taken in, like being ripped apart and eaten by a pack of wild dogs."

I grimaced. "Ok, I think I'm done with that subject. What does Networking mean and why is that at 20?"

"Networking is the work you are putting into interacting with other code inside the simulation. For instance, whenever you talk to another person, your network utilization goes up."

I didn't really know if these were good or bad scores, but it was clear that my max networking score of 50 was a lot lower than my max computation score of 500.

"What would a really high max networking score be?" I was afraid to hear the answer.

"You don't want to know. But think Steve Jobs reality distortion field. With a really high networking score you can persuade others that your code is always right."

That sounded bad. Did that mean that other people in the simulation could easily manipulate me?

"How do I get my scores higher?"

"Perfect segue," Douglas said and stepped up onto a Segway scooter and vanished through the wall towards my bedroom.

I walked around and saw him standing by my closet.

"Before we start messing with your stats, let's get dressed. You no longer need to put your clothes on or take them off. Just like with that food, you can put the items into your inventory and then outfit them through your menu."

I took a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that said 'There is no place like 192.168.0.1" I used to think that was so clever because only a few people would understand it. I wondered if everyone would get it now.

Douglas answered, "No, it's as cryptic and stupid now as it was yesterday."

I hate when he does that.

"Is there a benefit to putting clothes on via inventory, like with the food? Does it save on energy?"

"It makes you look like less of a loser when you aren't hopping around trying to get your leg into those awful, skinny jeans."

Point taken. I did as suggested and it mostly worked. It tucked my shirt in. I never tucked in my shirt. I untucked it.

Douglas chimed in again, "Put them on in the other order next time."

"Stop reading my mind! So, how does this change my scores?"

"Based on how you look naked, it could only help your networking ability to put clothes on. We need to go back outside for this next bit."

"I see, is there any limit to how much I can take into my inventory?"

"Nope, that appears to be a freebie of the code. We call it the Law of Code Conservation. Ok, one last thing before we head out into the world. Grab that book over there."

I picked up the book from the top of my dresser. The title and cover image, "Fencing For Beginners", carried a thin layer of dust over it. A friend had given this to me months ago but I hadn't mustered enough motivation to read it yet.

"Take it into your inventory." Douglas instructed. I did. "Now click on it."

The following came up:

'Fencing For Beginners. Do I really need to tell you what this book is about? To retain this knowledge for 7 days: 50 memory required. To remember permanently: 5000 memory required.'

"What the shit? 5000 vs. 50?"

Douglas continued, unfazed, "It kinda makes sense. Remember how easy it was to cram for a test but how hard it was to remember that stuff a year later? Well, that's why. So be careful what you decide to store something permanently because you won't get that space back."

Memory inflation not-withstanding, I loved the idea of learning something instantly. This was such an awesome upgrade.

A thought occurred to me. "Do I have to chose to remember the entire book?" I asked.

Douglas smiled, "Nope, you could absorb the book into short term memory, then pick out the elements you care most about and store those in long term memory for a lot less. Why don't you try it out?"

I went ahead and selected 7 day memory of the book. I stumbled a bit. Absorbing all of those pages at once gave me a bit of vertigo. I had trouble focusing on any one page. Eventually I relaxed and understanding just crept across my concentration. I selected a page that contained images of the ten most popular positions to hold your epee (an epee is the largest and heaviest of the weapons in fencing, I now understood) and I just sorta clipped the information out into it's own paper. Then I saw the option: To remember permanently: 7 memory. I went ahead and clicked yes.

So cool. I decided to show off by pulling the one pager I had just created out of inventory and back into the real world. Er real simulated world? We were going to need an entirely new vocabulary.

The page appeared in my hand.

I am Albus Fucking Dumbledore.

Douglas looked at his watch, "Oh, we are going to be late, come on!"

He hurried towards the front door of my house. I chased after him.

"Where are we going?"

He walked through the door and I attempted to follow, smacking my face against the wood. Damn him.

Douglas popped his head back through the door and smiled fiendishly, "I've set you up with a play date."