“Thank you for calling Questionable Variable Conjuring, where we help dreams come true with bargain prices. Please hold as all of our customer service representatives are currently occupied. We will be with you as shortly as possible.
“Please listen to the following menu as the options may change without warning…For gnomish, scream loudly. For trollish, grunt discontentedly. For common, speak clearly the phrase, ‘Common, please’. For elvish, go fornicate a unicorn you knife eared bastard.
“To reach our billing department to dispute a claim, good luck we already have your money. To reach customer service, who we already told you was busy, please hold after selecting you language. Untuk mengulangi pesan ini dalam bahasa Spanyol Tekan tiga.”
Sybella Burks, in a calm and measured tone, without a trace of slurring, stumbling consonants, or fury that could be said to be unbridled, spoke clearly,
“Common, please.”
There was a pause on the line as the automated teller processed this response before continuing in it’s ignorant drone of corporate, joyless, sales sprite voice,
“Thank you for calling Questionable Variable Conjuring Customer Service, as previously stated all of our representatives that could help are currently occupied. Please hold. By doing so you agree to be liable for all charges resulting from this pay-per-call, starting at seven copper per minute. This charge will double retroactively every ten minutes you are being serviced to include hold time and is easily added to your account balance at no additional charge. To consent to this charge and get to a living person please say clearly after the screech,’Yes, momma Yaga.’. Please note that canceling this service by hanging up or speaking unintelligibly will incur a one gold ‘wasting our time’ charge against your account.”
A hellish screech from the throat of a sexually frustrated harpy issued forth from the line, once someone has cock blocked a harpy you never forget that sound.
Sybella’s eyelids twitched as her breathing came hot and fast through her nose, she knew a delayed response would count against her so she clearly spoke,
“Yes, momma Yaga.”
There was a pause before the spritely voice continued,
“Our records show this is your third attempt at reaching customer service today, as it appears you have at least a little coin to spend on frivolous trivialities such as whatever small mistake one of our poor representatives have made, we’ll actually get you to someone who might care. Your wait time is currently…thirty minutes.”
Sybella held back her own screams of rage as the damnable auto operator would interpret that as a request to start over in gnomish. She could get by in that language, but not well enough to get through this trial. If Odin could hang for wisdom through those days and nights, she could hang in through this long enough to get answers.
Her order of humanely sourced phoenix claws had been on “backorder” for weeks and the ritual was coming up faster than she liked, next weekend in fact. This was unacceptable and she would have answers this time if she had to invoke Frejya’s name to help in this battle. She would have gotten them anywhere else at this point but it was improbable to find phoenix anything anywhere outside of a graduate spell studies program.
That ritual was going to be the culmination of a series of magical spells she had been working on for years with her coven. She needed those claws.
Her thoughts were interrupted by a noise from the line, as if the person on the other end were fumbling to pick up the line without dropping the receiver,
“Aherm…”
This amazing statement of intelligence was followed by sounds that shouldn’t be coming from a customer service line. A series of wracking coughs followed by a sneeze. A clearing of the throat. A rather wet sounding burp. Then a coarse, rumbling growl of a voice,
“You’ve reached QVC customer service, where dreams come true at a bargained price. My name is Frank, I will be helping you out with your bargain today. How can I not, not help?”
Sybella froze, she had actually gotten someone real on the line? It had finally worked? Not wasting the opportunity she quickly started talking, thank the gods she had researched on the magick inter-webs what to say to get her problem across without getting hung up on,
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“This is in reference to order number 24603. My name is Sybella Burks. The order was placed six weeks ago for a dozen pairs of humanely sourced phoenix claws. This is for an exponentially stacked ritual during the upcoming equinox. I paid in advance for rush delivery, with the optional delay prevention fee paid as well. The inter-webs correspondence about it being on back order and three support service tickets to resolve this issue have failed. I was instructed to call this number and follow the prompts to gain a resolution for the immediate delivery of the needed phoenix claws.”
Then because she couldn’t hold back some of her ire she followed this diatribe of information with a question,
“May I please have an address to forward the partial payment of a thousand suns for delaying the business of the goddess Freyja?”
She winced at casually throwing out an invocation of wrath from her goddess, she’d have to settle with her before she performed her ritual to make sure they were square.
Frank started laughing out of the phone,
“Tir’s digested fist woman! The balls to say that right out of the gate! I would be delighted to help you finish your bargain today, Momma Yaga enjoys a girl with the willingness to present herself from a position of strength! In appreciation, I won’t hangup.”
Sybella fumed further and said,
“This call is being recorded for quality assurance. I am a priestess of Freyja, my goddess does not make idle threats. This ritual is important to her. What needs to be done to get these materials to me without further delay?”
Frank sighed as Sybella heard the rustling of paper in the background,
“Keep that twist in your priestess panties from traveling too much farther, I’ve got the order paperwork right in front of me. Hang on, let’s see what the issue with delivery has been….Gods damn-it, MIKE! Are you serious with this shit? If momma Yaga catches you fucking with an account this size your children are going to end up as an appetizer at the next board meeting!…Your name is on the gods-damned delayed requisition forms!…We don’t fuck with major circles with divine backing you jackass!…ah, fuck. Hold please mizz Burks.”
Sybella replied with a scorching, scathing,
“Mrs. Burks, Mr. Burks is also aware of the issue with this order as well. There is no need to involve him, I will kindly inform you to keep my marital status out of this conversation.”
The pause from Frank could be called pregnant,
“Understood Mrs. Burks…”
The line switched to some very poorly played elevator music with an occasional corporate drivel spewed over the terrible music. After a few minutes of this the line clicked back to a sultry yet scratchy feminine voice,
“Mrs. Burks, I am momma Yaga. Do not speak yet, just listen. I am given to understand that there have been some unforeseen delays with an order for some dozen phoenix claws being shipped to your address. I understand that this was to be for an exponential equinox ritual in Freyja’s name and you are one of her priestesses. Please answer your door.”
A knock on her front door sounded. Placing the phone on the desk in front of her she went and answered it. Standing on her stoop gasping for breath was a goblin apparently dying of exhaustion as it struggle to support a package bigger than itself,
“Your phoenix claws, Mistress Burks. With the compliments from momma Yaga and a small gift.”
It set the large package down in front of her and shakily handed her an envelope that bulged in an odd shape. The goblin staggered off toward a broken down rickshaw full of other packages parked in the street as Sybella dragged the package inside.
She snagged a letter opener from the desk to open the package. Inside, neatly nestled in sharply fitted foam, were the phoenix claws. She carefully lifted out each foam tray of claws to count them, a baker’s dozen.
Sybella picked up the phone hearing Yaga’s voice issuing forth in a pestered tone,
“The extra claw is for the delay in delivery. The last thing QVC wants is a quarrel with the Aesir, currently. No, no threats or snappy diatribes. Keep listening. Half of the original price of the claws have been returned to your account, all fees and charges from calling in have been waived and retracted. Has your order been resolved to your satisfaction? Say, ‘Yes, momma Yaga.’.”
Sybella answered,
“What of the rudeness I was greeted with? The fate of…Frank and…Mike?”
“Frank has been disciplined appropriately for lacking proper oversight as a customer service supervisor. Frank will be…feeding the directors as recompense for his actions. Something valuable and detrimental to his happiness. Does this clear up any further questions?”
Sybella tapped the envelope with her letter opener before opening it. Pulling out the contents she asked,
“Mistletoe? Why mistletoe Yaga?”
Momma Yaga’s voice held amusement in her reply,
“I currently have no quarrel with the Aesir, Mrs. Burks. Or fear of. Give that to Freyja after your equinox ritual is complete. It’s significance should be made clear in the future. Do you understand, Mrs. Burks? Has this situation been resolved to your satisfaction?”
Sybella did not, but after her years of dealing with the divine she knew an ominous statement when it occurred. She tucked the mistletoe sprig away in the envelope and replied,
“Yes, Momma Yaga.”
The line clicked. Sybella hung up the phone and stared out her front window for a solid minute before turning to the shipment of phoenix claws. She had a ritual to prepare. A birthday ritual for the son of her goddess, it would be entirely inhospitable for her to fail in her duty.