Elvis and I left shortly after half-past one, and I felt a momentary trepidation as we neared the bowling club, but all was quiet with no sign of the Demon Bowler, and we made it back to the car unscathed.

“We’re officially detectives, now,” I said to Elvis as I unfastened his new bandana, folded it, and placed it in my bag. “You can wear that to work next Monday.” Then I drove out of Lufton, pondering potential alter egos. “Morse and Lewis. Starsky and Hutch. That one with the glamorous couple and the cute dog…Hart to Hart. You’ll be the dog, of course.”

Elvis yawned and settled down to sleep off his lunch of scavenged chicken and the packet of treats Noreen had fed him. I carried on towards Dexter Bay.

When we reached the village, Cliff Road was busy, and the traffic thickened near the bottom. I waited in a tailback while somebody in a Volvo took forever to parallel park, and then I caught sight of Steph darting across the road away from the café. The line of cars crawled forward. The waitress unlocked a green Fiat 500 and got into the driving seat. The car started up, and she signalled to pull out.

I made a quick decision. “Let’s practise our detecting skills.”

Elvis sat up and stared through the windscreen. The driver in front flashed their lights at Steph and then swung across the road to take her space. The Fiat pulled out and accelerated along the prom, and I followed slowly. At the end of the prom, Steph turned up Moor Road, and I hung back until I saw the Fiat’s right indicator flash, and then I crept forward in her wake.

She turned onto South Avenue and stopped outside the Dexter Bay Clarion’s office. I sailed past and parked on the other side of the street and watched in my rear-view mirror as Mark Cooper came out, hurried to the Fiat and got into the back seat.

“Aha,” I said, and Elvis’s ears twitched.

Steph’s car moved away and travelled past me. South Avenue curves around in a circle and comes out further up on Moor Road, so I spun my car around and drove back the way I’d come and waited at the junction. If Steph turned up to her right, she’d have to choose Steeple Road or Elder Lane and go down Hill Street.

But the Fiat emerged onto Moor Road, turned left, and drove towards me, and I leaned back as it passed by. Only Steph was visible. Had Mark Cooper got out? I followed the waitress back down to the promenade and then slowed down to let a white car leave the car park and move between me and my target.

I was acing this detective lark.

Our mini cavalcade drove by the houses, then the shops, the hotel and Sea Brew on the other side of the prom. Steph accelerated up Cliff Road.

“Here we go,” I said to Elvis, and he stared at me in the rear-view mirror as we climbed the steep hill. When we reached the junction at the top, the white car turned right, and the Fiat turned left towards Poole, and I fell in behind it and saw Mark Cooper sitting in the back.

“Oho,” I said, and Elvis’s ears twitched again. I stayed as far back as I could without losing sight of them and wondered where they were planning to go. And then the Fiat’s indicator blinked, and Steph swung across the road into the car park at the High Moor Standing Stones.

Elvis and I were close behind her. Steph nosed into a space on the left, and I backed into one further up on the opposite side. I watched her car. Minutes passed, and then Steph and Mark emerged and walked hand-in-hand through the car park, stopping every now and then for some serious snogging. With tongues.

“Eeuw.” I began to feel nauseous.

Elvis whined softly.

“Yeah, I know,” I said. “Makes you want to throw up, doesn’t it?” Steph and Mark reached the path leading to the standing stones and kissed again. The trail winds through a wooded area, then there are picnic tables and, finally, a moorland walk ending at six rough-hewn pieces of rock propped up in a circle. It’s hardly Stonehenge, but it attracts tourists and history buffs, and it’s a pleasant outing on a sunny day.

Elvis whined again.

“I know,” I said. “You couldn’t care less about the snogging; you just want to go for a walk. But we can’t because we’d run into Steph and her fancy man, which would be awkward.” I gave this some thought: it would be awkward for the waitress and the reporter, but I would enjoy the experience. “Sod it. Let’s go.”

We were on the path two minutes later, and I gleefully imagined the moment we bumped into Steph and Mark and rehearsed my opening line. “Ooh, fancy meeting you here.”

Steph’s face would be a picture, and I couldn’t wait to hear her explanation for being with Mark Cooper. We walked on through the woods, the path twisted around, then it was out past a dozen picnic tables to the moor. I saw several people but not my quarry.

We met a woman with a frisky terrier, a couple with a collie and three women in walking boots, carrying those weird sticks like ski poles. Elvis tried to grab one on the way past, causing a mini panic and a hurried apology before I hauled him away.

Still no Steph and Mark.

Ten minutes later, we reached the stones and found a group of schoolchildren and two harassed teachers. The children immediately abandoned the stones and crowded around Elvis, asking me what his name was, could they pet him, and would he bite?

“Elvis, yes, go ahead, no, but he might lick you.” I looked at the stones and the path around them, circling back on itself, and there was only wild moorland beyond that and no other way forward or back.

Had I missed them? But, no, that was impossible.

I managed to entice Elvis away from his new friends and started back towards the car park, gazing left and right as I went. There was nowhere to hide on the moor. I double-checked the picnic tables and saw the same people dining there, all families with toddlers or older couples with dogs.

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Elvis and I wound our way through the woods and returned to the Golf. The green Fiat was still parked opposite, and, looking at the path again, I realised the only hiding place was among the trees.

I started the car and drove back to Lilac Cottage.

Fifteen minutes later, I was standing in the kitchen, staring out of the window and pondering my next move, when the doorbell rang. Elvis bounded down the hall, barking joyfully, and I got halfway to the front door when a horrible thought hit me: Tim, back from his audition. Maybe I could reverse into the kitchen and hide under the table.

As I contemplated doing this, the letterbox opened, and Sue’s voice called, “I’m not Tim. Oh, hi, Elvis.” I opened the door, and she marched inside, holding a white cardboard box tied with string. “I scored cakes from your man, Paul. Get the kettle on.”

In the kitchen, I moved Tim’s flowers to the worktop beside the sink, and Sue untied her box. “The strawberry tart is for Colin, but the other three are ours. Want to half each one and share them?”

“Do I ever.” I brought cups and side plates, laid them on the table, and then handed Sue a knife.

“How did it go at the detective house?” Sue asked, slicing into a French fancy.

“Brilliant. Alf and Noreen are great, you’d like them. He gave me a smartphone, and he’ll try and find Jeff. They gave Elvis a cool bandana, too.” I fetched it to show her.

“Nice. You should get a matching one.”

“I’m tempted.”

I filled the coffee pot and set it on the cooker. “Was the café busy?”

“Not too bad. Ewan seemed to be doing well, he was coping with orders and serving, and Paul was behind the counter. The lovely Steph came in as I was leaving.”

“Oh?” I said as casually as I could. “Did she say where she’d been?”

“Window shopping in Lufton. Then she laughed and said it was more exciting than she imagined.” Sue shook her head and tipped half a custard slice onto my plate. “She needs to get out more.”

I seethed quietly as I waited for the coffee to percolate. Sue made appreciative noises about the coconut cake she sliced in two, and then she noticed my silence. “Are you okay?”

I brought the coffee pot to the table and sat opposite her. “Steph wasn’t in Lufton.”

“No? How’d you know that?”

“Because I followed her.”

“You what?” Sue stared at me, mouth open.

I grinned, despite my feelings about the waitress and what had happened. “Decided to test my detecting skills.”

Sue laughed. “I love it. So, where did she go?”

“She picked up Mark Cooper and drove to the standing stones.”

Sue stopped laughing. “No. Seriously?”

I nodded and poured coffee. “Unfortunately, yes. I parked on the other side of the car park and watched them. They came out of her car hand-in-hand and then stopped and kissed.”

“What kind of kiss? A friendly peck or…?”

“Ever seen a guppy cleaning a fish tank?”

Sue made a face. “What then?”

“They walked onto the path and headed off.” I swallowed a lump of sponge. “Then Elvis and I followed them.”

Sue laughed again. “Oh, this just gets better. What did she say when you met her?”

“I didn’t meet her. They weren’t on the path, at the stones or the picnic tables.”

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely. We walked to the stones and back. Didn’t see them.”

“What about her car?”

“It was empty when I drove by. Unless Steph and Mark were lying squashed along the back seat, but it’s a Fiat 500, so they’d have to be contortionists. Anyway, I don’t think they’d have it off in a car park, do you? It’s an area of historical interest, not one of the top ten dogging sites. Although I’ve never been there after dark….”

“So, you think they nipped into the woods for a bit of ‘how’s your father’?”

“There was nowhere else, so it had to be the woods. And we’re not in a 1970s sitcom, so please don’t use the phrase ‘how’s your father’.”

“Can I say ‘nookie’?”

“No.”

“Bonking?”

“Definitely not.”

“This changes everything, though. Before today, you had no proof, only a suspicion. But now you’ve seen Steph and Mark Cooper with your own eyes.”

“My eyes are still recovering.” I sighed. “But I’ve still got no proof. Damn. I should have got my phone out and filmed them - I’m a rubbish detective.”

“No, you're not, you’re good, and you’re learning the ropes. Anyway, seeing them snogging must have put you in shock. I can say ‘snogging’, can’t I?”

“It’s still my word against hers. I’m starting to wish I hadn’t seen those two, but I did, and you’re right…it changes things. I need to tell Paul. If it was me. I’d want to know. What if it was Colin and another woman? Would you want me to tell you?”

“Yeah. So I could murder the woman…and then him.”

“I’ll bite the bullet and tell Paul, and if he hates me because of that, he’s not the man I thought he was.”

I waited for Sue to respond with something like ‘the hot chef’ or ‘the man who makes these fabulous cakes’, but she stayed silent, staring at the table. Then she spoke, and her voice was low.

“I’ve been thinking about that time Colin saw Jeff and the woman outside the strip club. What if I’d told you then? You could have ditched him and saved yourself all this grief.”

I looked at her sad face and shook my head. “No. I’ll tell you exactly what would have happened: I’d have asked Jeff, and he would have told me a load of cobblers, and they would be convincing cobblers, and I’d have believed him, so nothing would have changed.”

“Colin was afraid you’d turn against us, or Jeff would convince you not to speak to me again.”

“Jeff wouldn’t dare say anything against you two.” I drank coffee and nibbled cake, thinking back over the years. “He liked you both, and he didn’t gaslight me that way. Stop me seeing people, I mean.”

“But you don’t have many friends, do you?”

“No, but that wasn’t due to Jeff. In a way, it was, but not what you mean. It’s hard to make friends and keep them when you’re moving on after six months; you lose touch, and then you’re in a new town or city, and it starts all over again.”

“You always seemed to be in a city or a big town.” Sue looked thoughtful. “Never a small place.”

Something occurred to me. “Y’know, I bet that’s why Jeff got away with what he did for so long. He worked in companies with thousands of employees, umpteen departments, and dozens of managers and assistant managers. And then we came here, and Bayfield Engineering found him out.”

“Karma for lying and mistreating you.”

I sighed. “Jeff’s lies were about hiding where he was going and who he might be with, and the manipulation was so he got his own way most of the time. I can see that now. He didn’t care enough about me to bother controlling who my friends were.”

“Jeff and that woman weren’t kissing. If Colin had seen that, then it would be different. I’d have told you.”

“I know.” We smiled at each other. Then I made a face. “And I need to tell Paul what I saw.”

"It won't be easy, but, like you say, you'd want to know if it was you."

"I would."

We smiled again, and carried on eating cake and drinking coffee.

Then the doorbell rang, and I started and nearly dropped my cup. Sue rose from the table, followed by Elvis. “If it’s Tim, I’ll tell him you’ve emigrated to Outer Mongolia or been eaten by hamsters.”

I heard her making her way down the hall, talking to my dog. The door opened, and Sue said, “Oh, hello again. Come in.” From her friendly tone, I reckoned it must be Emma, so I relaxed and drained my coffee. Then Elvis raced into the kitchen and danced around the table, and Paul walked through the door.