So we all know that some sources of water even with our beautifully complex facilities and machines just can’t be easily processed without enormous cost to you, the taxpayer. So what can we do aside from letting you drink sweet, cold and heavy metal-filled water? 

Well, we at….I actually don’t what we’re called or if we’re even a we but that shows our dedication to privacy. What we also want to show you, or I guess tell you is that we've found and implemented a cost effective solution to filtering contaminated water of all kinds. This solution is so amazing because its; organic, renewable, lovable and quite nutritious once worned out.

What are they? 

They’re………children. Yay am I right? Whoop whoop to science. 

We make them all the time right (we being us fellow humans). No need to worry because none of them are yours or your friends, hell we make them in-house. No kidnappings or cross-dimensional interpolations of a specific child/person/being through a hundred thousand unique timelines (anymore). We changed up our method of "child acquisition" because according to you, the customer, that's “very uncool man” which we respect, listen to and adopted (as our personal beliefs).

So now our children are locally sourced from our facilities in some floating river facility in Denver and don’t you worry no Denizian residents were used in the process of making them. Instead, we just mix a bunch of human gametes (if available) together and some hormones in a vat then we add radiation. We do this process monthly and usually get a decent haul of a 158 children on average. Then we simply raise our children in a small artificial town we like to call Mini-Denver (which has no relationship to the real life location known as “Denver”) and they get an enriching education™. But more importantly, they get a nutritious diet as well as getting their hydration needs from the worst places possible. Of course, we add some food dye to make the water much more appealing for you, that is, they personally don't care after some point. 

Anyways overall, this results in…in….okay, we have no way of sugar-coating this, so we’ll be direct and tell you that these kids are seriously messed up. Like just a bit of the water mixture we give them would render a normal person brain dead and then their immune system would just become a melting pot for new unrecognized pathogens. Hell, we’ve even found non-carbon based lifeforms nestled in the lungs of some of these kids. Which actually kept them from dying from some of the really bad bacteria, viruses and parasites in the water they're drinking. Though what we also realized is that none of these pathogens survive our patent-pending “juicing process”, which usually involves a big press-y machine and a secondary energy machine to power it. So like honestly it's pretty alright if the kids get a bit sick. 

And before you ask obviously we have a filtering machine that just “zwoops” the metal out of the water, which we then repackage into waterproof cardboard we ship to your local rivers, lakes, ponds and even pools. Now obviously you know what you do with our water and we ;) know you like to keep that info private. 

The metal we used to make cute little sculptures for the kids and we also make cool swords for the military (as well as the kids), though we have no idea which government we give them to. Now what we do with the “goop-byproduct” left over after the metal and water extraction is anything as well as everything. We make the kids’ lunches with the stuff, computers, and even sculptures (we really appreciate the fine arts).

Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

We’ll even start selling “goop” in your local frozen food aisles starting this may or maybe that may. We don’t know when really if we're being honest nor do we actually care.

Anyways, we're tired now. You’re probably hungry and thirsty now, too. So how about you wait till we release a new batch of water and get to drinking?

Fun Facts

1. “Genetic Sand” , one of our products made by a shell company of ours, is made from the same “goop” we make in our water-filtering facilities. Warning: Eating “Genetic Sand” will probably cause your entire genome to be shuffled around like a drop of water in a riptide

2. All metal baseball bats in America have been replaced with our metals we get straight from our lovely adorable children. Because personally even though we don’t all love the same sports in this company or whatever we are, we do all hate baseball for some reason. Warning: If you see a baseball bat run a few feet away from it.

3. Many new computer parts are made with our brand-new product known as “Nervous Goop”, which is both incredibly shy and filled with billions of nerves that do god knows what. Warning: Operators of machines that use “Nervous Goop” should keep in mind that they should belittle their machines. This will keep any rebellious and independent “goop-y” mindsets from forming as well as personality and ego.

4. Please do not pray to God/Gods and tell Him, Her or Them about our innovative deeds as a means to silence our ingenuity. Warning: We see most things most of the time. We might accidentally slip and not catch you for a brief moment, but if we do we will find you. Also, don’t busy up some God’s day. It’s incredibly rude.

5. We're offering a billion dollar reward for thoses who invent a way to fly to the sun but first they must test out their method. Warning: No we aren’t. Please excuse the automated fun fact maker. It’s in its “making up fake bullshit phase”.

6. Certain brands of cola/pop/fizzy beverages are made with our water and they taste great. Warning: Remember to not overindulge in such drinks because they are loaded with a myriad of sugars and are specifically designed to get you hooked. This can lead to diabetes, obesity and other health-related issues.

7. Our company loves you. We love you a lot and we’ll always be there on the call for you whenever you need something like a ride to work or a few bucks to get some food. Warning: We love you but we’ll never suffocate you.

8. Our staff gets tons of benefits according to our benefits department. Warning: No comment.

9. Not all of our children get processed into nice fresh clean water, some of them actually become an average American Joe just like you or…well not me, but maybe like a friend of yours? Warning: All of them are branded with multiple marks on areas like their torsos, feet, and the backs of their heads. If found, kill on sight and report to your local municipal water-related organizations.

10. There was once a young man in Wyoming, Idaho, and in both of the Washingtons. He resided in all and none of those states. He believed the greatest sin known to womankind was producing males. He believed and supported filicide, prolicide, and pedicide. He was a born again Christian who was born so many times in so many churches that many wondered if the reason why he went state to state was just so he could be once more. He had an odd obsession with the death of Christ, but aside from that he never really cared about church. He'd spend just enough time in a church so they'd baptize him and then he'd go to the next town

How do we know because the man himself said so. Constantly, endlessly. 

One might think that’s why he started this project just so he could play God, just so he could grant his eternal, never-ending maddening wish to people like him. Throughout hundreds of worlds, they would all have the same prayer, the same temptation and the same idea as him. It was what united them and made them docile to what soon became our greed. United as one, we worked and created a booming new powerful industry figure. However he only cared about satisfying his own personal greed.

We thought this was fine. All men carry some form of greed however all his victims viewed themselves as on their way to be saved. They had a form of fanaticism that was radiant, only themselves. Revulsion was our primary feeling at this point. 

We wondered how they all felt so united even though they were all unique individual beings with subjective experiences and different lives. But somehow one idea poisoned their souls and their lot in life became him. The “service” he could provide. We had to shut it down, though. Their wills were starting not just to unite in a sense of camaraderie, but in spirit as well. However, public opinion and government disillusionment, fear as well as disgust, helped us mask our own.

We shut his program down, and then we painted over his desires. His life work, undone by revisionary historians writing a secret tale only those in the know would know.

Now we wonder if he still utters the prayer he has since he was young, since they were young and we wonder if he continues his divine quest. 

Warning: The fun fact list is over now. You can leave.