Becky glanced at her reflection with a sneer. Maybe if she grew her hair longer? Trying to get her parents to agree with that would not be worth the time. Becks sighed. There had to be something she could do to show her peers that being friends would be fun. Maybe? "No one likes me and it doesn't matter what I do, they will never like me." This was her affirmation made every morning while she sneered with self-loathing~ while judging herself. Day after day she hoped that the school would disappear or get canceled and day after day came as just another disappointment.
Just to add to the distress, it was also her birthday. Today marked sixteen years of being alive. Yay! She heard Dad in the back of her mind, "Never been missed, huh?" like some sort of joke. Another year with no friends, no romantic prospects of any kind, and to top it all off it was the year to rub it all in. It's time to celebrate that this pathetic excuse for a human being has no life! Becky squinted back the tears, she didn't want to hear the "stop it with the pity party" speech. Perfect timing, too since her Mom called to her with the usual "you don't want to be late!" greeting.
As she descended the stairs, her father began singing cheerfully, "Happy happy birthday, baby." It took every bit of energy and tongue biting to keep from lashing out. Instead, Becky just smiled politely while heading in the kitchen for breakfast. Dad followed, "So, is it never been missed or never been kissed?" She clenched a little harder on the bowl of cereal while working even harder not to blurt out in tears. She attempted to appear deep in thought over the variety of cereals to choose from. There were only two selections but it's a birthday breakfast so one must pick the best option, right? Cold cereal would be gone quicker but hot cereal met her mood. It was difficult to actually place her mood. There were so many emotions going through her turmoiled mind. At least the persistence of her father was interrupted by her mother.
"What do you want for dinner?" Every year since she could remember, it was traditional for the birthday person to choose the dinner. The decision seemed to be pointless. Instead of being able to enjoy dinner in peace and quiet, she would be surrounded by people that would only be present for free food and cake. Not to mention, dishes was still a chore. Birthday or no birthday, the chores had to be done. It would have to be something everyone could enjoy. Do any of the relatives have food allergies? Would it hurt anyone's feelings if the wrong choice was made? Was there a wrong choice? All of these thoughts invading her mind. Why did Mom have to wait until this morning? Being put on the spot like that was just horrible. Now, there was the guilt of thinking her mother was horrible! Something has to be said. Lasagna? It seemed to be the yearly request.
"Lasagna, please?" Mother looked at her in a fashion that made Becky feel uneasy. Great, she offended her mother, upset her. Is there anything that could be said or done to appease this woman? More guilt. Becky answered the question. Maybe it was because she answered the question with a question? Maybe it is too expensive? The anxiety was beginning to drown her. What is up with the weird looks?
Her mother shrugged, "Are you sure? You asked for lasagna last year." Now, it was the second-guessing? Is that what Becky wanted? Was there something different that her mother wanted? Maybe Mom wasn't in the mood for making lasagna? Maybe the family would rather have meat and potatoes? Why ask what she wanted if the choice wasn't even hers? The tears were fighting to surface. Not now, please not with the tear fest. Becky nodded her head. The thoughts overwhelmed her so much that she just put her sneakers on, grabbed her bookbag and went as quickly as possible outside. She heard her mother in the background, "What did I say wrong?"
Too much, it is just too much! Why and how did she manage to hurt people when she didn't want to? Three deep breaths of outside air but that did not seem to do anything. Then, the tear began to stream her face. It is just a stupid birthday dinner. This is why she hated making decisions for herself, no one seemed to accept what she wanted. Why ask if there is no correct answer? That is when she heard a soft, gentle voice.
"Happy birthday, Becky." She wiped away the tears, trying to regain some sort of composure. Julian's presence always seemed soothing. She met him after turning nine. He has been her best friend since. Of course, if she told anyone about Julian, she would be rushed to a psychiatric unit and the key would be tossed away. He usually met her for walks to and from school. Sometimes, during classes or during homework. "Another difficult morning?"
Becky nodded, looking around to see if anyone was close by, "Just another birthday but this one is the worst by far." She chose a slower pace than usual along with the longest route to school. This was her time with Julian. There were no judgments, no criticisms, just conversation. "My dad just has to rub in the fact that I do not have a boyfriend. I think he actually enjoys the fact I have no friends to speak of." A pang of guilt hit, "Except for you, Julian. It sucks that I can't even mention you to anyone. I wish things could be different."
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There were a few moments of silence. Maybe he was waiting for an extended rant. When the realization hit that there was nothing left for her to say he chimed in, "Not many people would understand. They would describe me as an imaginary friend or some sort of delusion. That is why I take no offense to keeping our friendship a secret. As for not having a boyfriend, the whole relationship experience is over-rated. You will understand what I mean when you get older."
Becky sighed, "I don't think I'll ever have any kind of relationship the way things are going. I can't understand this at all. Why am I so different than everyone else?" She thought of the way her mother sounded hurt. "I end up hurting people and I don't know why. I've been keeping my thoughts to myself but that doesn't seem to help at all."
Julian sighed, "You are just different. That does not mean you are a bad person, you just see things in ways other people do not." Julian paused for a few moments as the school came into view, "Try to not allow the conversation with your mother weigh too much on your mind today." With that bit of advice, he was gone.
Becky stood in front of the school with anxiety building. "I just have to get through today. It will be a good day, I hope." Thinking positive was something that her counselor was attempting to work on. If someone thinks positively, good things will happen. Right? It's going to be a good day. It's going to be a good day. She said that to herself over and over until she reached the locker. A card stuck out of the slots. She smiled, wondering who could have given her a birthday card. Becky got concerned as she glanced at the cover. It was a picture of Jesus with his arms extended as he stood amongst the clouds. There was nothing written on the cover itself. She opened the card to read, "Happy Birthday! Jesus may love you but everyone else thinks you're a bitch!" Do not allow your emotions show. She closed the card and put it in her back pocket. She grabbed what she needed from her locker before heading the guidance counselor's office. Yeah, just another birthday.
The guidance counselor took one look at the card then tore it up. He said that is what should be done with notes like that. Becky was horrified. There was really no way of knowing who would have put that in her locker. She understood that much. But to just rip that note to pieces seemed like a violation in itself. Was the insult not good enough? Would a death threat warrant more concern? The classes just blurred from one to another. The rest of the day went on without incident, thankfully. That card just proved that even positive thinking was useless. This was life. It was a well-known fact that Becky was not liked but to just being reminded every single day made focusing on important things, like studying so difficult.
After school, Julian visited again. "Tell me something nice that happened today, Becky." He waited as she thought it over. Some days were harder to think of good things. This being one of the toughest. Especially since she could only think about that card.
"Well, no one hit me or spit at me. Oh! I didn't get my head dunked in a toilet, either. I guess people were feeling considerate since it's my birthday." The tone was quite dramatic, with a touch of sarcasm. Becky tried to hide the tears but to no avail.
Julian had concern in his voice when he asked, "What happened?" He would be patient and wait. Becky was trying to put her thoughts together. She was also trying to understand how she felt. Anger? Hurt? She finally just blurted everything out about the card and the response from the guidance counselor. He listened until she was finished. "Is it true? Are you a bitch?"
Becky wiped at her face roughly, tired of all the tears. "I don't know. Am I?" It was a rough response and there was yet again more guilt following her attitude. "I'm sorry. I really don't know anymore." All she wanted to do now was go to her room and hide under the covers. "If that is how everyone sees me, then maybe I am?"
There were a few moments of silence before he responded, "Well, I do not think you are a bitch. You are a very special young lady. Also, the card stated everyone but unless it was signed by everyone, it came from just one person. That word 'everyone' is quite an over-exaggeration. Try to not let statements like that bother you so much. While I believe the guidance counselor could have conveyed a bit more concern or care toward this, I also believe he is right. Your feelings toward this are valid but the more people get to you, the more they will try. I know you're hurt. I am sorry that person has the maturity of an elementary student. However, there are people that love you."
"I am just feeling the love all over, Julian." The rest of the walk was quiet. She knew he was still there with her but it was time to put on fake smiles and act like the birthday dinner was the best in the universe. Some new clothes were added to the closet after dishes were done. Homework, a shower, and then bed followed. Becky just stared in the darkness for a while before going to sleep. "Yeah, just another birthday. Yay!"