Warning: If you're looking for serious or plot, I'd stop reading here. Those looking for stupidity are welcome :)

“I have an assignment for you, Wiz”

Arch Mage Rodriguez, conqueror of the Saldine Plains and bane of all demons that walk the earth lay comfortably sitting on the sofa in his favourite pants. He looked at the apple of his eye, his beautiful wife Sandrine and nodded. He was ready to do any task she might ask of him.

Sandrine smiled sweetly and her eyes curved as though they too were smiling and Rodriguez knew that he would follow her commands even if it meant walking into a volcano or stepping off the edge of the earth. She pointed down the hallway towards the toilet door.

“Rodriguez, I’ve told you to fix that leak for months now”

Rodriguez sighed and begun to shuffle down the hall. He summoned his almighty holy staff Seraph, but his wife stopped him before he move any further than a few steps.

“You’re going to need a special wand for this one.” Sandrine handed him stick with a peculiar rubber dome at the end of it, “a plunger?!”

His wife shook her head in exasperation, “Can’t you just use it?”

“What am I, a plumber?! I don’t even know how!”

Rodriguez marched into the toilet and viewed the overflowing water which carried excrement and a distinct rancid odor, as though a tuna fish sandwich had been rotting for weeks just to let out all its smell at this moment.

It was at this moment in his life that Rodriguez remembered the wise advice his master had given him for times of emergency, “Just go with the flow.” But looking at the spool of feces on the floor, he would be going with the overflow.

He watched as a tiny glop of poo wiggled in the flowing water, “There are some things even magic can’t fix.”

He walked towards the toilet seat and gazed into its watery depths to spy what the problem was, something was clearly blocking the pipes. He raised the plunger and bent over to begin sucking out the muck with the device.

As he was working he felt a subtle shift of his weight, a tug of fabric as his paints pressed against his firm buttocks and a sudden draft as his crack experienced the glorious light of day for the first time in years. It was at this moment that he realised that his calling not in working magics and conquering kingdoms, but by calling himself a plumber.

****

“Rodriguez!” Sandrine rushed him holding a kitchen roller in her right hand a making a fist with her left “Is it possible to hurry it up mister?” Rodriguez lifted his head from underneath the kitchen sink. Ever since he had found his calling as a plumber his wife had been bothering him non-stop.

“Now will you fix that leaky faucet upstairs instead of the damn sink?!”

He ignored her and continued fixing the piped attached to the sink, “This pipe is stuck. If I could just..” The pipe suddenly broke and a rumbling sound began to resonate through Rodriguez’ ears. *Gulp**gulp* *gulp* He gulped and immediately regretted it as soon as he swallowed at least a litre of tainted green water and he was sure not even god knew how bad the taste was.

“Are you sure you’re a plumber?! I can’t even see your butt-crack!” His wife continued to taunt him, oblivious to his predicament.

Rodriguez got up and looked around, the entire world was swirling and he had the most excruciating headache.

“Can’t you just use duct tape?!” He looked around to see where his wife was calling out to him from but could only see a floating bronze block with a question mark. He had an unstoppable urge to punch the block ad perhaps he would get something good out of it.

“YA-HOO” He was too short to reach the block so he jumped into the air and lifted his hand to punch it, it hurt slightly but he had never felt better.

“What are you doing?!” His wife’s voice called out to him from the block, but Rodriguez wouldn’t be fooled, “Shut your mouth, foul demon!” He lifted his secret weapon, his plunger, and used it to cover the mouth of the talking block, “Now you know! Never get on the wrong side of a plumber!”

Looking around the house he realised that it had been invaded by walking mushrooms and turtles. He began jumping around trying to squash them but they wouldn’t die. The only way for him to survive was to escape to the outside.

He ran out of his house yelling and screeching into the moonlight night, “Do not underestimate me! I’m a plumber, No! I am THE plumber.” He gazed into the night sky and saw that the moon was blood red, a phenomenon which had only happened in myths. Rodriguez saw the red light shining down on him, “I am the Legendary Plumber!” He threw down his pants and lifted his buttocks towards the moon.

*Smack* *smack*He waved his butt high and noble towards the sky! “Moon? What moon?! Behold my moon! Face the splendour of the Legendary Mooning Plumber!”

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Rumours say that in the nearby town of Chandry the populace cowered in fright from the shrieking of monsters late into the blood moon night. This was only the beginning of the legend, soon the entire world would know of the Legendary Mooning Plumber.

****

Long and slender legs raised seductively above the water line as the woman tempted her husband to join her in the warmth of the bathtub. Her husband’s eyes wandered down the edge of her toned thighs, bubbling sliding off and back into the water blow. His forehead creased as his eyes bulged in concentration and he tried to pierce through the bubbles on the surface to see what lay beyond.

*SLAM*

The woman and man jumped up in fright. “Don’t mind me, I’m just the plumber.” A slightly overweight and unattractive man entered the bathroom wearing overalls and carrying a wrench.

“W-what are you doing in my house?! Don’t you know who I am? I’m the mayor of this town!” The mayor was red in the face in fury. His wife’s cheeks were flashed with embarrassment, “KYAA” she shrieked and tried to cover her body with the bubbles around her.

The man crinkled his nose, “I’m here to fix your bathroom sink of course!”

“Preposterous! How did you even know that it was broken?” Indeed, the bathroom sink had been broken for several days now.

Several layers of fat jiggled and the mayor could feel the cool steel pressing against his lips as the man put his wrench to his mouth.

“Do not underestimate me. I can hear the voice of things not living. I listen to those that are broken and in need of a physical form, calling to me to bring them back to life!”

The man moved towards the broken sink and bent over. His overalls loosened and a jiggling mass of flesh protruded into two outstanding bubbles shaped like moons.

“KYAA, he’s mooning us honey!”

As the flesh struggled to escape their denim prison they moved about in luxurious circle motions, drawing the mayors’ gaze towards them as they flopped around and out of the pants. The mayor could not help but think of them as entrapped doves, trying to escape their prison.

As the hypnotic site of wiggling flesh drew him further into its wondrous dance, the mayor could see that the various layers of fat were not simply the signs of a man that had let his weight go. They were the marks of a man that took pride in his work, his life, and stood taller than any other man even while he was kneeling like those that were the most common of men.

A scent began to drift through the air and the mayor could not help but think that it was the most awful pong he had ever had the displeasure of smelling. It was the scent of all that was wrong with the world, a scent which normal men would not tread near without fear.

He could not help but gaze in wonder at the ass that belonged to the magnificent man that could withstand this odor head on. The man that thrived on fighting against this terror and going against all odds to plug it and make sure it could ever rear its ugly head in the world again. Truly this person was a man among men.

The mayor looked around and realised that while watching the plumber working his knees had given out in awe. This magnificent posture, the perfect full moon greeting him, he had heard of only one man that could accomplish such a thing.

“Mooning Plumber!” The man turned around, “C-could it be… That you are the Legendary Plumber that people talk about on the streets?”

Rodriguez laid a single, dirty hand on the mayor’s shoulder, “It is not for me to brag. I am but a simple plumber. I work my trade for the sake of this world just like any other man.”

The plumber’s fat bounced merrily as he left the room. He left only the wafting smell of tainted tap water and ass sweat in his wake.

“Who the hell was that?!” The mayor’s wife was frothing at the mouth and she smacked her husband over the head before he could respond.

She had been forced to sit naked in water which had long gone cold, as an unknown fat man opened her sink from which a most ungodly stench had begun to breeze through the room, clinging to every single exposed pore of her body.

The mayor gave his wife the most serious look she had ever seen him wear.

“That was the greatest man this world has ever known. The only man that is worthy of the title passed down through generations, that man was the Legendary Mooning Plumber!”

Author's note: Wrote it while I was bored. It's really just a bunch of random plumbing comment put together >:) I also don't do much comedy, but oh wells, when you have to write you have to write!