I stared at the yellow container of pills on my family's kitchen island hidden in the array of groceries my mum had also bought alongside them, they just sat there as they were an everyday item and belonged here. They didn't. My brother walked down, his hands filled with his and my mum's luggage, my dad following close behind. Just looking at him made me swallow back the potential threat of tears. He didn't deserve this, nobody did.
At first glance you wouldn't have thought my dad was ill at all, in fact he looked pretty good. But he was dying. Something that took me months to comprehend. If you looked closely you might notice his tired and drained eyes, and the slight paleness of his skin, but other than that he looked like your normal average dad. Which made this situation 10 times harder to accept. He looked ok, but he wasn't and this affected me deeply.
"Taylor, is all you stuff ready to be put into the car?" my mum questioned, snapping me out of my train of thoughts.
"yeah, it's in the hallway". This summer was probably going to be my dad's last, so we decided we would go back to our old lake house, somewhere I hadn't been since I was 14. I used to love going there, however now it just feels like a drag. At 18 years old, I could think of 100 better things to spend my summer doing, none of them being away for the entire time. However I just had to suck it up, for my dad. He was always so happy and positive and i didn't want to be the person to bring him down, even if the thought of this trip made me want to die. I was mostly scared about who I might see again. My parents had many friends around the lake who had kids me and my siblings would meet up with and hang out with. The last time i was there i had my first kiss with Matthew Johnson, a cute scrawny boy who i haven't seen in 4 years. The embarrassment I would feel if I saw him again. Our family's were close the last time we went, I got on well with all of them, especially Matty's siblings George, his non-identical twin, and Cameron, their older sister. I could relate to Cameron and we talked about girly things, she was the only one who knew about my crush on her younger brother. As for George we got on like brother and sister, I used to consider him one of my best friends, but obviously we've drifted to the point of no contact at all. And as for Matty, we were the closest. But i really didn't want to see him.
All I was hoping for was to chill by the lake, catch a tan and not see my childhood crush. Although the likelihood of seeing him and his family again would be slim, it's been 4 years and they're probably off doing their own thing.
"Taylor, you ready?" my older brother warren asked me, as he pulled all of our suitcases through the door.
"Right everyone in the car for our family road trip," my mum said with way too much enthusiasm, I sucked it up and replied with a smile. This was gonna be a long summer.
I get out of the car, stretching my legs out after the 5 hour car journey. I looked up at the lake house, just how we left it. I looked over to Johnson's old lake house next door, but I couldn't see if anyone was there due to a hedge blocking their driveway. I walk into the large house, and instantly floods of memories come back, all of them containing at least one of the Johnsons. Our families were really close, and we genuinely had the best time with them. I go up to my old room, still the same. The feeling of nostalgia becoming increasingly strong, and almost overwhelming.
"Mum, I'm going for a walk to look around" I said, desperate to get some fresh air.
"ok honey, have a look and see if that old run down arcade is still there, you all loved hanging out there" she smiled, clearly enjoying the nostalgia of this place more than me.
"isn't it amazing that we're back here," my dad beamed, seeing him so happy and enthusiastic about this place made me feel extremely guilty about how badly I didn't want to be here. I suppose it would be more bearable knowing this was what my dad wanted.
"I'll be back later" I replied, before scurrying out of the house. Looking out to the lake made me feel more calm. This place really was beautiful. I noticed the long thin dock stretched out into the lake. Making me reminisce all the times I jumped off it. Everything really was better back then. I was happy and my dad was healthy. Maybe that's why it was so hard being here, the last time we were here our family was practically perfect, now we're back here and its about to crumble apart.
I headed towards the woods, following the path I knew extremely well, heading where the arcade, café and a few restaurants were. These were opened seasonally as most people only came to their lake houses in the summer. I walked past the arcade, which was surprisingly still open. I was about to turn around, to head back home, when something caught my eye. A girl, dusty blonde hair leaving the café with an array of cakes and coffees. My heart dropped when I realised it was Cameron Johnson. The Johnson's were here.
Cameron looked up, staring at me for a few seconds, clearly trying to see if I was who she thought I was. Then his puzzled face broke out into a huge beaming smile. She placed her goods on the outside table in front of the café and started running over to me. I copied her actions running into her arms. Passing bystanders smiling at our interaction.
"holy shit it's really you," Cameron squealed excitedly. "I didn't think i'd ever see you again, it's been so long."
"I know, I can't quite believe I'm back here." i said, relief had taken over my body, i was still extremely comfortable around Cameron.
She grabbed her treats and we both started walking back towards the lake. I caught Cameron up about everything that had happened since i had last seen her, including everything to do with my dad and how this was most likely going to be his last summer with us. I also explained to her about my anxiety towards facing Matty again, which she told me was ridiculous.
We arrived back to where our houses were. I looked up to the Johnson's lake house and saw my family entering their house, Denise and Sean welcoming them inside. Panic started flowing through my body again, I can't believe I'm going to have to face him again. Cameron noticed my distress and tried to calm me down.
"It's literally just a kiss, and it was 4 years ago, relax," she said, trying to reassure me.
"Cameron I never told you this, but the kiss with Matty didn't go exactly as I had first explained to you 4 years ago," I said, turning to face her. She furrowed her brows trying to understand what I was saying.
"what do you mean?" she questioned.
"after me and Matty kissed, he ran away, without saying anything. It left me hurt and confused for a 14 year old girl. I really wanted to talk to him about it but I ended up leaving that evening. We've kind of left things on awkward terms," I explained to her, looking down at me feet embarrassed.
"That's why he seemed so unsettled that day, we couldn't figure it out. And I'm sure he's completely forgotten about it." I raised an eyebrow at her, knowing this was something you just don't forget.
She shrugged her shoulders and grabbed me, I tried to protest but she was too strong.
"we are going to enter our house, and everything is going to be fine, trust me," she said looking at me sternly. I nodded my head, gulping back the nerves. Here goes nothing.
As I reluctantly stepped through the Johnson's front door, I instantly regretted how easily I let Cameron convince me this would be okay. I blankly stared at the large group of people, my family and Johnsons, who had all gathered in the living room. I gulped as I awkwardly stared at my feet as I stood next to cameron.
"Oh my goodness Taylor look how gorgeous and grown-up you look," Denise gushed as she jumped forward towards me and pulled me into a hug. I smiled gratefully at her for breaking the silence, but my eyes were locked on Matthew who was staring at his feet, just like me moments before Denise embraced me. I couldn't quite believe my eyes at the sight of him. I wasn't sure if it was possible for him to get anymore attractive, but yet here he was, causing me to feel tingles and butterflies throughout my entire body, just like when we were 14.
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"I see you and Cameron have already reunited, isn't this lovely, it's just like old times!" My mum was so enthusiastic, enjoying all the nostalgia and very unaware that I felt physically sick from all it.
"sit down Taylor and make yourself comfortable," Denise smiled at me as I scanned the room for any empty spaces. Luckily there was one next to my mum, however it was opposite to Matthew. I slowly removed myself from camerons side and sat next to my mum, as she started another conversation with Denise about some sort of gossip from around the area. My dad and Sean removed themselves to grab a beer and watch the football, while Warren engaged in a discussion with George about college. Everybody was in a conversation but me and Matty, and I could tell that he felt just as awkward as I did. Matty tried to engage himself in the conversation with my brother but I could see in his face that he wasn't listening as his eyes kept drifting back towards me. We made eye contact for a breif second and I shifted in my position, uncomfortbale at how stupid I must look to him.
"so how have you been?"he spoke quietly, almost inaudible to me, as though he wasn't certain on starting this conversation.
"I've been ok I guess," I told him honestly, no effort to put on a fake smile and tell him how brilliant my life was, cause it wasn't. "How about you," I replied, trying to make the small talk as awkward as possible. He smiled at my effort to keep the conversation going "yeah i've been alright, haven't seen you back here at the lake houses for some time though," he questioned, genuinely curious.
"Yeah the last time we were here, we were both 14," I said, my face turning a slight shade of red at the memories of the last time I had seen matty.
I abruptly stood up, not letting him reply with whatever he had to say, as I really didn't want to talk to him about the last time I saw him, I was still so embarrassed. I told everyone I needed to continue with my unpacking and quickly scurried out of the house before anyone could protest and stop me from leaving.
Once I was standing outside in the fresh air I felt a wave of relief. That was until I heard the Johnson's front door open and close behind me, causing me to snap my head around to see who it was. I let out a sigh of relief when I saw it was George with his arms wide open gesturing for a hug. I smiled at him and embraced him, his hug being just like they used to be, yet he was a lot taller and broader now.
"I've missed you," he sighed as we pulled away "and I could see how uncomfortable you were in there," he laughed as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder as we walked next door to my lake house.
"really you could tell?" I questioned turning red once again. He chuckled at me and shrugged his shoulders ``I can always tell what you're thinking just by your face," he replied " but I do understand why." This caused me to look up at George, a coy smile evident on his face as I buried my head in my hands. "so you know what happened the last time I saw Matty?" I questioned. "Yeah, he told me, and believe me you have no reason to be uncomfortable, it was years ago. And he's just as embarrassed as you are about the situation, you should have seen the look on his face when your mum walked through the door," he laughed lightly, causing me to smile. " but I do think you still like him," George giggled this time, acting like a 10 year old girl " cause why else would you feel so awkward," I stood there silently "that means yes then," he said still acting like a gossiping middle schooler. "well maybe I used to have a crush on him, but not anymore," i protested as we entered my house. He just raised an eyebrow at me and shrugged, "well I think you're meant to be, soul mates if I must label it," he said rather overdramatically as we walked through to the kitchen, I just rolled my eyes at his statement. "fine, don't believe me, but you'll see, I know you both extremely well and i'm never wrong." I just laughed at how certain he was about this. "Plus it's cute how you're still calling him Matty, no one calls him that anymore," George said, genuinely smiling at me. I thought about what he just said, anything other than matty was weird to me, it was my nickname for him. I couldn't imagine calling him anything else, no matter how much I didn't want to speak to him.
For a little while me and george just hung out in my living room of the lakehouse and caught up, I hadn't realised how much I had missed having him as my best friend.
After George left I felt so relieved and happy due to our reunion, maybe being here wouldn't be too awful. I was so glad that I still got on so well with him and cameron. We mutually agreed that it was both of our faults for not keeping contact and would actually try to keep in touch after the vacation. I tried to finish unpacking, but I was so emotionally drained from all the feelings I had felt today I ended up napping instead.
As I was in my peaceful sleep, my mum decided to barge in and rudely awaken me to tell me we were going to dinner with everyone, which meant of course having to face Matty once again. Hopefully it wouldn't be as bad this time, mainly because I could be more prepared and sit as far away as I could from him.
"oh and Taylor, dress up fancy it's a nice restaurant," she added, causing me to internally groan at the thought of actually getting ready. But I had to suck it up, I wanted to make sure my dad had the best time, and I really wanted to make sure he was happy the eternity of the trip.
I decided I would wear a skirt, my doc martens and a sweatshirt. Not necessarily fancy, but mum was lucky enough that I had put a skirt on so she was going to have to deal with it. I stared at my appearance in the mirror, I wondered what it would be like if I looked like one of those models that all the boys fancied, with the most amazing figure, or at least clear skin. I've realised that I will never have these things, at first this upset me, but now I've just learnt to get on with it because there's nothing I can do about it. I deeply sighed, preparing myself for this dinner before I backed out and locked myself in the bathroom.
We had just entered the restaurant, and my eyes scanned every corner of the place, trying to see if they were already here, which to my dismay they were. This meant I had limited options on where I sat, yet I remained positive, as I couldn't see matty sat with them.
Had he decided not to come? was he busy? or maybe he was tired?
I scolded myself for worrying and for thinking too much about him, I didn't need this right now, not with everything going on with my dad.
I said hello to everyone and sat next to George who smiled cheesily at me making me laugh.
"Where's matty?" I asked, attempting to sound nonchalant, to appear as though I didn't care. However george caught onto this straight away and raised his eyebrow at me. "what, i'm just curious," I defended, I really didn't need his teasing. "hmmmm sure." he poked my side as he tried to wind me up. "He's in the bathroom." George finally said, answering my burning question as he could tell I was starting to get anxious again. I knew deep down that this wasn't a big deal and I needed to stop being so pathetic about something that happened years ago, but I just couldn't help myself. I still cared greatly about what Matty thought of me, no matter how sad it seemed, his opinion mattered to me.
With that thought, I see him walk from the corner of the room. His eyes instantly locked with my own, causing my breath to hitch at the sudden intensity of his stare as he walked directly towards us. His curly brown hair covered his forehead and spilled out the side of his head, causing him to look a bit of a mess and his hair to look a little bit like a mop. His crooked smile and ripped jeans, with an untucked shirt also added to this messy look of his. I liked this unruly look he had about him, I always had. Something about the way he held himself, and his overall messy nature, not just in looks, but in life was very attractive to me, still. And it annoyed me how much he still affected me.
Matty sat down, unfortunately, opposite me so I flashed him a quick and small smile before turning to George to start a conversation about what he was going to eat.
"hey george, wanna go jumping off the dock tomorrow?" matty asked, interrupting our discussion. "yeah sure, why not," he said dismissing him rather quickly so he could go back to telling me about his embarrassing dentist story. "Do you wanna come as well taylor?" matty chimed in, once again interrupting, but catching me off guard this time. I stared at him blankly trying to figure out if he was being serious, but the sincerity of his facial expression proved to me that he was. "Um yeah, if you're ok with that," I replied, I didn't want to intrude on their plans together, but I did want to hang with george. "yeah of course that's fine, why wouldn't it be," he replied, staring at me puzzled, I just shrugged while turning back to George, not bothering to answer him, because quite frankly I didn't have one.
Dinner was fairly stress free, I mainly talked to george and cameron and every now and then I would answer a question from denise and sean. Considering I hadn't seen them in four years, not much had changed about my life. Just as I thought dinner was almost over and we were getting ready to leave my mum had a suggestion which she thought was amazing.
"kids, why don't you all go down to the arcade, you all spent loads of time down there together," she exclaimed, obviously very chuffed with herself. The other three adults chimed in and agreed what a fantastic idea it was. This caused me to internally groan for the 100th time of this vacation. Us five kids, although none of us were really kids anymore, blankly stared at each other, not sure whether to just go and have a look to make the parents happy and in the end that's what we did.