This death wasn't like my last. This time I had a body, I could move, I wasn't a disembodied soul waiting in the void. Waiting. I had the presence of mind to know what had happened, and that this. This was not how my life would end.
There was no flashback. No panorama of events or memories to allow me to reflect on the brief time I had existed as Sidhe. Time had real function and heft. I could feel its passage as I waited.
Uncertain.
Like a bug trapped in amber. Still bound by the exigencies of fate. I found myself in a world devoid of color, but not light. A world layered in shades of gray; a world devoid of warmth, but not cold. Sterile and austere. Lost in limbo. At least how I imagined Limbo would appear.
The landscape was vast, but uniform, a landscape devoid of life. No Sun or Moon. No trees or plants. An emptiness that leeched emotion as well as will.
Unending.
Time existed but had no meaning in this place. There was no way to track the passage of minutes or hours let alone days. It was constant.
Inexorable.
Like my last death, it did give me time to reflect. Not so much about what had just happened, more about what would happen next. I was supposed to have a respawn ability, but in this place, my status screen and skills were out of reach.
I could feel the mental pathways that had been formed linking my thoughts to System. I knew that on some fundamental level the menus were still there, and I should be able to open them. But they refused to respond to my mental entreaties.
Frantically, I attempted to contact Caraid, but communication with him that had been denied me was still in effect. I hadn't been able to speak with him since I'd been given the Huntsman's Choice.
My inability to open my Status menu, or chat with Caraid left me with few options. Only the monotony of introspection and reflection. As I thought back over the past few weeks, I tried to be honest with myself; I needed to identify my mistakes, learn where I'd gone wrong, and determine what I could have done differently. I only had one respawn a year, and it hadn't even been a month and I'd needed to make use of the skill already.
No matter how many times I examined my actions, I kept coming to the same conclusion. While my decisions and actions may have been based on naivety and hubris, my actions and choices hadn't been intrinsic in the events that occurred or how I had died. Often I was reacting and making choices that were required to deal with events as they occurred.
Certainly, I'd radiated confidence. A fine line between confidence and arrogance, but a line that did exist. I acknowledged there were times I'd acted as if I were the Chosen One. A representative of S-PRIME, set in motion to right wrongs, and lead the Sidhe to a new era of prosperity, saving them from themselves, and freeing them from the systemic oppression that was inherent in a government based on Monarchy.
I'd thought my Mid-western American values and my belief in democracy as an ideal form of government would solve the social ills of the world, and that all rational thinking individuals should strive for equality and fairness. I believed that my transmigration allowed me a depth of knowledge and experience that would allow me to act as an agent of change.
I equated my new life with a second chance. And that I had been given the mandate to spread the concepts and ideas that I believed in. I had been anointed by S-PRIME, sent to Talahm to right all wrongs, root out all villains, and single-handedly dismantle the Machiavellian machinations of Gods.
I snorted in contempt, realizing that I had scoffed and belittled the hubris of Zeus and the other Olympians, even as I was engaged in that same hubris.
The Sidhe had been around for untold millions of years before S-PRIME integrated me into their world. Before humanity even walked upright on Earth. They existed.
They had staved off some of the most powerful Pantheon of Gods in the multiverse, survived wars, created civilizations and governments that stood the test of time, and discovered magics and sciences that put those found on Earth to shame.
Portal technology.
A network of interplanetary teleportation.
Gods so powerful that they were forced into Sleep in order to stave off Ragnarok.
The peoples of Earth could barely leave their planet. Were embroiled in wars and factions that were bound by ties of ideology. And for all the vaunted benefits of democracy were embroiled in corruption, bigotry, and bias that saw their children slaughtered in schools. Yet still, I thought I knew what was best for these people.
S-PRIME had even directly told me what I should do when I'd left the ascension chamber. It had generated a quest, my very first quest. To travel and meet the Monarchies of both factions in the Capital. The quest had been to travel and to present myself to the reigning Monarchs as a newly ascended Prince, not to overthrow the government.
The question now wasn't how I had acted, but why?
I freely admitted that hubris played a large part in my actions, still, I didn't think that was the only underlying motivation. The cause, certainly, but why did I believe the Sidhe needed rescuing from themselves? Why was I so quick to completely ignore the strengths the Sidhe demonstrated and focus solely on what I perceived as their weaknesses? Instead of destroying the entire system they had perfected, why not work to build on what worked well?
Self-reflection devoid of emotion was cathartic and constructive. It allowed me to confront the truth of my actions and formulate a possible hypothesis for why I'd made the decisions I had.
I was scared.
My actions, my decisions all stemmed from that one central truth. I was allowing my memories of my past to dictate my future. And I was completely focusing on the bad memories and painful lessons I'd learned. I expected something to go wrong. So acted from that expectation.
I knew from experience that I could not trust others. I had been conditioned to isolate myself, to interact with others only warily. I had been taught that others were most likely duplicitous and the enemy, and to protect myself I should only rely on myself.
Lord Kel had reinforced that belief. His treatment of Caraid demonstrated that for him, principles and honor were flexible. He'd owed Caraid protection. And he'd failed. Allowing his son to bully, until Thom's attempt to murder Caraid was inevitable.
Encouraging his son to believe that his actions were justified and entitled.
Looking back, every decision I'd made was based on fear. Fear of death. Fear of betrayal. And possibly the largest fear of all, the fear of irrelevance. I'd been sidelined, ignored, marginalized, and dismissed in my previous life. I'd forgotten the lessons I'd learned when I'd died and was able to reflect on my life. Maybe not forgotten, so much as unable to integrate those lessons as part of my psyche.
At the end of my previous life, I remembered the joy and laughter I shared with others.
This life.
With the advantages S-PRIME had given me, I was still entrenched in fear. Even with all the skills and spells, that I had. With the advantages that my Rank and Level afforded. I was afraid that I would still be irrelevant, that I wouldn't make a real difference. If that were the case, if in this life, with the head start, I was given, I failed, if I was relegated to and lived a life of irrelevance and no meaning, then it would mean that my life and my fate was entirely my fault.
I had spent too much of my previous life blaming others and my circumstances on how I was treated. The unfairness of life and the weave of the tapestry that fate had designed.
If this was untrue, if my actions were instrumental in defining my fate, then I would never be able to hide behind the excuse that I had been cheated of opportunity. And if that was the case, if I was as irrelevant and invisible even after the S-PRIME advantages had afforded me, then wouldn't that mean that I deserved my fate?
My actions and reactions may be influenced by others, but in the end, the choices were mine. If this was true, and if I messed up. If I failed. My weakness. My lack of character and perseverance would be the ties that bind. The thread that was woven between my past and present life.
And that thought was terrifying.
"That's a start," a voice thundered, shattering the silence.
There was no way to pinpoint where the voice came from, it seemed to resonate from everywhere, part and parcel of the landscape, the sound was thunderous. Reverberating around me. Above me. Below me. Through me.
Still, I searched frantically trying to find who, to connect with another living entity, trying to locate someone or something that had broken the silence within this bleak landscape.
"You are correct that fear played a large role and influenced your decisions and actions, but substantively your ego motivated most of your decisions. You've always held yourself apart. Absolutely some of your choices were made to protect yourself, but a large part of what motivated you was your certitude that you were more evolved.
"You've always thought you were better than others. Above the petty concerns that those you thought beneath you may engage in. You knew you were gifted with intelligence. Your intellect allowed you to rationalize that belief. It allowed you to look down on both those that would torment you or love you. You knew you were smarter, and in your mind, smarter meant better.
"You used your intelligence as both weapon and defense, often belittling any that would offer you comfort or redress.
I was only finally able to locate where the voice was coming from when Gwyn ap Nudd walked out of the grayness and into view. He looked as majestic and imposing as he had when I'd summoned the Wild Hunt. His eyes still devoid of life, a frankness to his stare that measured you.
I was unsure how I measured up, he allowed no emotion or hint of sympathy to distract from that unyielding gaze. His countenance gave no hint to his thoughts, he remained serene and decisive.
Implacable, he wielded his words as weapons, just as I had used my intelligence, each reproach targeted strategically to hit their mark.
He refused to allow me to ignore or hide from the truth.
He would always be ruthless in his judgment, and I knew, this conversation was going to be painful. His words were emotionless. He offered enlightenment, not condemnation.
"And in some ways, you were better. You were more intelligent. Intelligent enough to hide.
"Smart enough to figure out how to be as inconspicuous as possible.
"You were well-read, moderately well educated, and quick to learn. Those subjects that interested you, math, history, mythology, you easily mastered.
"But this ease of learning, this gift of intelligence, those abilities the Gods blessed you with, you squandered. You allowed your intelligence to be transformed from a blessing into a weapon. No longer a gift, you allowed it to mutate into both shield and sword.
"You had the chance to make use of this gift, to create a life of substance, but instead of building that life of prosperity and fulfillment, your intelligence made you lazy. You reacted instead of acting. You built a life based on response to the dross of slights and insults you suffered. And as you built this life of safety and invisibility, your intelligence allowed you to foster a hidden belief.
The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.
"You were certain you deserved better.
"You recognized intellectually and emotionally that your life was burdened with extreme hardships and concluded if not for those hardships you would have done better.
"Unfortunately, even though you wanted that better life, that life you believed you deserved, you wanted it handed to you. It was yours by right, and you felt no need to work towards what could be.
"Have you ever sought to understand why you resented your life?"
As I pondered his question, I wondered. "How can he know? Know not only my history but a history S-PRIME also claimed would be hidden, even from the Gods of Sidhe?" I spoke aloud that question lost in my confusion.
"How?
"You summoned the Wild Hunt and still ask how?
"The Wild Hunt exists to mete out justice.
"To judge one must see the truth. See past the half-truths and the truths hidden even from oneself. See past the lies. See even those things a person may be afraid to admit to themselves.
"I represent Gwyn ap Nudd. First King of all Sidhe. Before there was Seelie. Before there was Unseelie. Before any of the Gods had kindled the spark of creation to create humanity and man, I was.
"He has seen stars born and died. Seen civilizations that spanned Universes atrophy and wither.
"He is Sidhe incarnate.
"He brings integrity! He assigns blame and administers vengeance.
"He balances the scales of justice.
"He is incapable of corruption or bribery. And when he acts. He acts with full knowledge.
"You summoned him, and in that summons, you gave him permission to search your soul and weigh the consequence of your summons. To determine if your cause was warranted and just.
"In that instance of summoning, he knew you. Your past, present, and future. He knew your sins, all of your sins, both of omission and commission. He knew your fears, your uncertainties, and your shame. And He knew your strengths, your hopes, and your dreams.
"You called the Wild Hunt to judge, and they answered. But make no mistake, you were also judged, if your petition had not been virtuous, you would have paid the price of that summons.
"Here in this place, I am not only a reflection of Gwyn ap Nudd, but I am also an avatar. System generated. The primal law that transcends Godhood. I act in fulfillment of System's response to events set in motion decades ago.
"There is only one Universal constant that can stay my hand when I act as System Avatar, for in this meeting, I am System
"Gwyn ap Nudd has found your petition worthy. And because your cause was righteous, the Wild Hunt battles even as we speak to right those wrongs that you have alleged. The armies of the Hunt ride. And in their ride, they will cleanse Kel fief. Root out those conspirators that would ignore the limits System has put in place.
"You are beyond that. The events on Talahm do not concern you at this moment. Your concern is one of reflection and decision. Understand without the lens of emotion to cloud your judgment what truly motivates you and how you will move forward.
Gwyn ap Nudd, or rather System Avatar was right to remind me of my past life and that I acted sometimes, often, because I thought I was smarter than everyone else.
"I understand" I admitted still uncertain what this understanding meant.
"Good," System Avatar said. "Now we can get started. And you can decide what to do next."
"Next?" I asked in confusion, "What do you mean next? Where is this place?"
"Here?" System Avatar replied.
"This is nowhere. And everywhere. The land betwixt and between. That point in space between where you started and where you finish. A place where a choice must be made. Return to your life or move on and re-enter the wheel and cycle of reincarnation.
"You purchased the ability to respawn once every Solar. But you must make the choice to use this ability. Know, though, your decisions have had consequences. If you choose to respawn, debts owed must be paid.
"I will choose to live again," I answered emphatically. I wasn't happy about 'debt's being owed. S-PRIME hadn't mentioned that there would be any kind of penalties if I made use of my respawn ability.
"System has not frozen time for you, this is irrelevant," he began, "when you respawn, I will return you to a moment after the battle has resolved, and restore you to life. You will return to that moment right after the battle's conclusion. To anyone watching it will seem as if you simply woke from your injuries. eRr0r. rEsPespawn prrEice."
[System Error – Calculating]
"As System Avatar, I will impose penalties for respawning. Temporarily you will be denied access to your status menus.
"You've treated this incarnation almost as if it were a game. Since your rebirth, you've taken for granted those gifts. The Status menus. Skill levels. Quest prompts. The System announcements. As well as your ability to respawn has inured you to the dangers and reality, this life holds for you. Because you have exper#$@%ienced these wonders in your past life as game mechanics, you have refused to see them as the tools and gifts they are."
"I judge, and having judged, I deliver my sentence."
[System Error – Calculating]
"First, to encourage you to treat this life as real and not a game, your access to S&*23woKSystem is severely restricted. You will no longer be able to call upon your Status menu, Spell menu, or Skill menu. Logs and faction notifications are similarly disabled.
[System Error – Calculating]
"System-generated quests, rewards, and announcements will continue. Restricted functions will be available to you again after you have survived a year, on the anniversary of this respawn, you will gain back these abilities."
Not too onerous, I felt, even if I still thought these penalties were unfair, something S-Prime should have mentioned.
"Next, you are barred from altering Oaths. You must use the traditional oaths that have been time tested and have the weight of history behind them. You still have the ability to give and receive Oaths, but they will be reasonable in nature, and with every oath, consideration for both sides must be included, including an escape clause that allows those who swear fealty or loyalty to you the ability to give notice and sever those Oaths."
This made little sense or difference to me. The Oaths and contracts that I used were those given to me by the Wild Magic or something we had found that had been time tested by Sidhe for several millennia.
I liked knowing that the people I surrounded myself with were sworn to do me no harm, but I'd had mixed emotions about Oaths in general. I'd been concerned almost from the first, when Cedric swore fealty, that Oaths were nothing more than discreetly phrased slave contracts. That Oaths, by their nature, removed free will and forced an individual to act in ways that might be in direct contradiction to their nature. I'd used them because of their expediency. And because the Wild Magic had directed my actions.
[System Error – Calculating]
"System takes back the Ring of Hidden Depths. You will be gifted instead, a simple ring of holding. All items that are currently stored will be transferred. This is a permanent loss. Since you enjoy games so much, consider it the loot you dropped upon your death."
That was going to hurt. The training room in the Ring of Hidden Depths had allowed me to expand and adapt to my skills and spells quickly. The extra-dimensional environment made it safe for experimenting and kept me from killing myself or others with my limited understanding of how magic worked.
This was assuredly going to slow down my progression and understanding of the rules of magic. And inhibit the ease with which I established muscle memory that enabled me to facilitate and grow my skills.
[Error… Error… Error… – Calculating]
"We come to the bargain you have made with the Wild Hunt. The Wild Hunt does not bargain or free those that have died on the battlefield. But. You are unique in all of the millions of souls that have joined the Hunt. You were in essence two-souled.
"You and Caraid shared an existence. And he has agreed to honor your obligations to the Hunt. You shall return to your life. Take up the mantel of your destiny. But the Wild Hunt will not and cannot be denied. Caraid shall take your place as a member of the Hunt.
"You are stripped of his aid. Barred from further communication or contact with him.
"Forever.
"He will be Gwyn ap Nudd's for eternity. He has become one of and joined the ranks of the Huntsmen."
[System Error – Calculating]
If it wasn't bad enough that I had gotten myself killed. My missteps had denied Caraid his second chance. I had hoped to earn him a physical shell, a body to allow him to live as well as advise. Not only had I lost him this second chance, but I had also consigned him to what kind of existence? Would his soul be aware of his existence or would he only have brief flashes of awakening, those moments when called to ride?
I wasn't sure what happened to the Huntsmen between hunts. Did they exist, lead lives, experience joy? Or did they simply dream? Ethereal manifestations of collective thoughts and ideas that existed in the hearts and minds of those that summoned them. Fleeting wisps of intent that dissipated once duty was done.
"Finally," System Avatar continued, ignoring my despair and anguish, "you will be changed. S-PRIME enhanced and reinforced your lineage with Beleros. But It adjusted only the lineage on your Seelie mother's side. Your hubris and arrogance are more reminiscent of your Unseelie Father. So that bloodline will be made whole to act in concert and opposition to the line of Beleros.
"The father of your body was a Prince of Winter. Consort to the Winter Queen, he spurned the courts upon her death and the ascension to the throne by the Morrigu. Bitter, he renounced rank and ignored the new Queen's advances forcing her to marry her sisters and elevate them as co-rulers to the Unseelie throne.
"His powers over ice and winter are what initially attracted him to the mother of your body. He hoped her fire and warmth could offset his elemental domain and rekindle the fires that once raged fiercely within his heart.
"Just as you are a son of Beleros, so too can you trace your lineage to that of Cyronax, Prince of Ice. Winter, snow, and Blizzard's fury are his domain. A primordial God, who was given birth at the same moment the Universe began, his realm is in an eternal battle with that of Beleros.
"Just as Beleros is an elemental construct of fire. Cyronax is an elemental construct of ice. The two of them have waged a war since the first moment the Sun rose and sought to bring life and light to the world.
"Half Son of Beleros, half Son of Cyronax. Your dual nature will be apparent for all to see. Fire and Ice cannot mix. And this battlefield will be revealed upon your body. Tattoos of snowflakes will be embedded in your flesh, silver, faint lines of glistening perfection, each one unique. Mathematical precision that illustrates the beauty of winter. Just as your hair and eyes reflect your lineage from the Sun God, Beleros. Now too, your skin will reflect the lineage of the Prince of Winter, Cyronax.
"I do not remove your beauty, all Sidhe, even the most monstrous have a beauty to them. The term monstrous beauty may have been coined expressly for those horrors and apparitions the Sidhe have created. Instead, I enhance your beauty.
"Be prepared, for although you may scoff, the results can be deadly and painful. Some who look upon your countenance will be covetous and hope to own you and make you part of their collection. Others will be jealous, and what they cannot own, they destroy.
"You are a creature of Fire and Ice. In the old language, Teine means fire and Deigh means ice. So, I rename you, Teigh Mac de Beleros y Cyronax. Blended, merged. Fire and Ice. Polar opposites united within one person."
"Live!" Gwyn ap Nudd, the once King of all Sidhe demanded, System Avatar powered that declaration and his command, here in this place had power. Leader of the Wild Hunt. King, still, in the Summerlands. Commander of legions. System Avatar. His will was implacable and as he commanded, my soul responded.
I was reborn. Teigh Mac de Beleros y Cyronax.
[DATA COLLECTED]
[CALCULATING]
The Avatar that was Gwyn ap Nudd began to stutter, to phase in and out of reality. He was more a holographic projection that was distorting and rebuilding, a badly designed puppet. As the transition between pixel and person continued, we were joined by another.
Benign.
She was easily recognizable.
Grey hair in curlers. Tattered house robe. Fuzzy slippers I'd gifted her on a birthday. My grandmother formed. Every wrinkle the same. The hands chafed and hardened by a life of work. Liver spots and fatigue her armor and proof of battle.
She was exactly as I remembered. This woman that I had loved fiercely. She, the woman that had protected and comforted me until she died quietly in her sleep of a stroke.
[SECURITY OVERRIDE BEGUN.]
Looking at me with eyes that pierced the soul, I knew, of course, that she wasn't my beloved granny. She too was a construct. And the System prompts that were displaying led me to believe she was an Avatar of S-Prime.
[YOU HAVE DONE WELL. ERRORS AND VIRUSES HAVE BEEN IDENTIFIED AND WILL BE CORRECTED.]
[THOSE GIFTS THAT I GAVE YOU BEFORE REBIRTH ARE RETURNED. THE RING. CARAID. SYSTEM ACCESS.]
[THE AWAKENING OF YOUR UNSEELIE BLOODLINE HAS POSSIBILITIES. I ALLOW THAT ABILITY TO REMAIN. I GIFT YOU WITH THAT AND THE NAME CHANGE AS REWARD.]
Gwyn ap Nudd, System Avatar began to pixelate at an increased speed. Bits and pieces of the construct were funneled. No swallowed by the S-Prime avatar. As these pieces were subsumed, a new System Avatar was rebuilt. Devoid of any virus. Free of error. The corruption that had invaded the System was cleaned.
And the balance was restored.
[LIVE]