Jade was a bundle of nerves as we drove to her mother’s house. She was too nervous to drive her Jeep, so I suggested we take my car. I had hoped the luxurious interior would impress her, maybe help her relax a bit before we got to her mother’s house. But she was blind to the soft Italian leather cradling her perfect ass or the fact that I was right there sitting next to her. She was blind to everything and everyone except the insecurities inside her head. Jade was fidgeting and stressing over nonexistent wrinkles in her clothes, straightening her hair and touching up her makeup repeatedly even though the windows were up and not a strand of hair was out of place or a speck of makeup not expertly applied. I fought back the urge to grab her hand and hold it captive in mine, just to stop her obnoxious movements of course. She seemed overly nervous to be meeting with a parent, someone destined to love you from birth. I always thought the dynamic was off, and Alexander never told me, but I suspected Joan wasn’t Jade’s biological mother.

How many times had Joan criticized and belittled Jade? Made her feel like she was lacking in some way, not good enough? How many times had she made her cry? The vision of Jade crying, hurting, was unbearable. Fury channeled through me to the only outlet available, and my hands clenched tighter around the steering wheel. The soft leather wrapping did little to protect it from the brutal force. All my anger funneled into a crushing vice. The sound of crunching was oddly satisfying, but not nearly as satisfying as it would have been if it was the person causing Jade distress.

This is why I shouldn’t be around Jade. I’m not good for her. I failed her and her father. I’m barely keeping my shit together as it is, watching her fidget and squirm in the seat next to me. If that woman dares to utter a harsh word towards Jade, I’m liable to… I probably will…

Fuck it. I know I will erupt like Mount Vesuvius and rain down pain and retribution on her so fast it will make her perfectly coiffed head spin. I will become the monster I keep locked inside…

No! I can’t lose control like that, again.

At first, I wasn’t sure if it was actually Jade lying on the couch when we broke into that dark apartment. I wouldn’t let myself get too hopeful, or too close. I had Owen confirm her identity while I looked on from my safe place against the wall. She had changed so much since the last time I saw her. Her hair was longer, her face thinner, but those eyes. I would recognize those deep green eyes anywhere.

Dammit! I can’t get too close to her, can’t let myself feel anything. This is a mission I have to finish. Retrieve the stones, then keep Jade safe. That’s it.

Looking into her eyes, my emotions were in turmoil. Loss, defeat, failure, anger and hatred raged inside me. The monster clawed at my ribs, fighting to break free. But I maintained my calm exterior. Years of Guardian training taught me to lock down that shit and get the job done.

We’ll be fast, efficient, in and out before she realizes who I am. Before she knows how I failed her.

The last time I saw Jade and her father together, she was a teenager, full of light and happiness. Even though we were technically on assignment, her father had flown in to check her out of school and take her to the beach. He was our best Searcher so the Guard made small exceptions for him. Seeing his family was one such exception. I felt something was up, so I tried to stay close to them. The other Guards and I pretended to be college guys playing volleyball. I can still feel the sand against my feet as I rushed the net for a spike. I was close enough to handle anything if it should come up, but still gave them their privacy.

It seemed like this trip to the beach was different, rushed. Alexander was acting strange and his body language showed he was nervous. I had the distinct impression he was going to tell Jade about The Guard, the stones, or the artifacts he had been collecting for the High Priestess. Any of those things were punishable by death. What happens in The Guard, stays in The Guard, or some kind of bullshit like that. I prayed he didn’t cross that line because I wasn’t sure if I could pull the trigger. I respected the man.

Alexander had been more of a mentor and friend to me than a charge I needed to protect. But the High Priestess’ orders were perfectly clear. No one, except the Eleusinian Guards and their Searchers, could ever know what we were searching for and for whom we searched. It was written in blood. Seriously. The bitch had it written in the blood of some blabber mouthed guard and displayed it in the hall like a fucking trophy. Fucking psycho.

Lower ranking guards never knew what the searcher was looking for and were given perimeter stations to serve as lookouts. I’m not lower ranking. At least I wasn’t back then. A small angry outburst and several dead Elusinians later, and I’m in the middle of the pack. I’m not a fucking newby standing lookout with my thumb up my ass, but I’m not at the top anymore either. I had to pull a lot of fucking string to be able to watch over Jade. Alexander would roll over in his grave if he knew the things I’ve done, the destruction I’ve caused after his death. I did it for him. I did it for Jade. My monster did it for me.

Alexander and I got along really well and I was given the highest clearance to be his personal guard. He rarely went anywhere without me, although I stayed in the shadows when he visited Jade. She was his only real weakness. She’s my only real weakness. Alexander loved Jade more than anything and he tried to visit her as much as possible. It was difficult with the constant missions and The Guard breathing down his neck. I could understand his need to stay away and keep Jade safe. It’s the same as my need to keep distance between me and Jade. Keep her safe.

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That day at the beach, Jade became my everything. My mate. I casually watched her walk the beach, picking up shells, the wind blowing her hair in her face. The smell of coconuts and limes washed over me when she passed the volleyball court. Her shampoo? I missed an easy volley and had to chase the ball down to the surf's edge. She walked past me, arm in arm with Alexander. Her laughter was music on the wind. She was beautiful, innocent and I felt an overwhelming sense of protectiveness towards her.

My monster bellowed. Mine!

I was used to his tirades, his angry outburst ringing in my head. But the feeling… I had never felt that feeling before. I was drawn to her. No, drawn is the wrong word. I wasn’t pulled towards her. I was tethered to her with a fucking anchor chain. Not some measly easy to break chain. No, this chain was two tons of forged iron that held me to her. There’s no breaking that chain. I tried. I fought it. I bargained with the monster, pleaded even. It was pathetic. But it was done. He chose, and there was nothing I could do about it. Fucking asshole! So, I kept it a secret.

Years later, I can’t even look at Jade without feeling disgusted with myself. Jade loved her father more than anything else, and I took him away from her. If she ever knew the truth, she'd kill me. She wouldn’t have to kill me, I’d do it for her. I wouldn’t be able to bear seeing the hurt and accusation in her eyes. She can never find out.

The order to dispose of Alexander had come to me directly from the High Priestess, two years ago. That’s what it said, “dispose of” as if he were a piece of garbage, something to do away with when its purpose had been served. I wasn’t told why. I assumed it had to do with Alexander breaking protocol. He must have told Jade too much, and the High Priestess wanted the situation neutralized. I was the best candidate, because I had the most access to Alexander, but I didn’t want the assignment. I cared about him. He was my friend, and the father of my mate. So, I drug my feet, and when I didn’t get the mission completed in time, the High Priestess sent someone else to do it for me. I failed.

I tried to keep him safe. I broke protocol too. I told him I was ordered to kill him. Instead, I was trying to arrange for him to see Jade one last time before helping him disappear. I stepped away for a few minutes to make plane reservations, and they struck. It was orchestrated to look like an accident, an archeologist crushed by unstable boulders while digging at the base of a pyramid. Cliché. Only, Alexander wasn’t an archeologist, and he wasn’t digging by any fucking pyramids.

I was making plane reservations on my private cell, not The Guard issued one, and using my private credit card. I should have been more alert, but I was dealing with the incompetent idiot on the other end of the phone. I should have seen them chloroform Alexander and drag him away, but I was arguing with the person who didn’t speak English “too good.” I should have been aware, but my fucking monster was doing backflips at the idea of seeing Jade again. I just wanted to see Alexander and Jade happy and safe in each other’s arms. Well, that went to hell. Alexander was gone.

I tracked down where the assholes had taken him and saw the crushed body at the base of the pyramid. The authorities were already there, taking the mangled mass of mush to the van. I didn’t bother going to the morgue, The Guard was a shadow. We didn’t exist, and I couldn’t blow my cover. But my monster didn’t care about covers. His need to protect Jade overruled everything.

Pain. I remember excruciating pain. The most painful shift I’ve ever endured. It was His pain I was feeling. The monster’s pain of losing Alexander, of losing Jade. It cut deeper than any pain I’ve ever felt, and I passed out from the intensity.

I will protect Jade, was the last thing I remember him yelling before everything went black.

Days later, I returned to The Guard, ignorant of the killing spree my monster unleashed on the imbeciles who were merely following orders. I awaited my sentence. I had broken protocol too. I had warned Alexander. I had refused a direct order from the High Priestess. And reportedly, I had murdered seven Elusinian Guards, well my monster did. I should be dead as well, but no one ever came for me.

I was reassigned to the logistics crew to help facilitate Searchers in getting where they needed to go. It was mostly an inside computer job, but at least I could keep an eye on Jade in my spare time. She had a pretty active website selling stuff online and a somewhat lonely Facebook account. I hacked it. She really needs stronger passwords. It wasn’t the same as seeing Jade for myself. But I didn’t think we could handle that. I knew my monster couldn’t. I watched her live her life through the computer screen and tried to accept the fact that I was falling for her. He smirked a knowing smile from his place deep, deep, deep down where I kept him hidden. Smug bastard.

I had failed Alexander and it killed me to see Jade mourning him. I doubted she would ever forgive me. I didn’t deserve it. Jade’s safety is all that matters.

As soon as I realized Jade didn’t know who her father worked for, I reported back to the High Priestess. We couldn't have another disposal team neutralizing anyone. I doubted my rank could withstand another monster murder spree, and he won’t let anything happen to Jade. So, I’m going to play nice and go along with the mission. Get the stones and get the fuck away from Jade. I’ll leave The Guard and keep her safe from the shadows. But first, we have to deal with her mother.