Vellie, Oliver and Olivia land at the top of a very green, wide, long and gradual hillside. Olivia smiles as she feels the familiar heat from the passport through the lining of her jeans pocket. It feels good to be traveling again. Calmly but somewhat impatiently, Vellie explains to the children that the death of the eldest Seer has fulfilled the oracle and satisfied The Eighth’s demand for a sacrifice.
“So it was never supposed to be me,” Olivia says, relieved.
“Well, no, the oracle was not intended for you the way I expected. Though it still may have worked,” says Vellie. Before she can ask more questions about how oracles work, he brings the conversation back to their mission: “The Eighth must be using the illusory magic of the rabbits to conceal his identity. He must be somewhere in this world. The only thing left to do is to stop The Eighth.”
“And to find Paul,” Olivia corrects. “First we find Paul.”
Vellie sighs. The sooner these children are out of his hair, the better. Then the voice of Bartimeaus Moonflower wafts into his head, saying ‘use the Earth children…’ Irritated, Vellie sighs more deeply and says, “Sure, yes, first we find Paul.”
A pair of perfectly-maintained hedges slopes up gradually to one side of the hill they are standing on, reaching a height of about ten meters. The hedges snake in a loose wave pattern as far as the eye can see.
“Ah. They have unsurprisingly refreshed their landscaping again,” Vellie remarks, finally looking up from his conversation with the children. The green matter, which looks like grass, is not spiky or grass-like to the touch at all. This ‘grass’ is soft and fuzzy and nearly-neon in places. It gives the impression that the three of them are standing on the sloping back of a furry giant. It is also very uniform, without the chunks in regular Earth-grass that are more dried out, or the patches that look wetter and lower. “You’ll note the ground cover is perfectly uniform in height, texture and colour,” says Vellie, clearly impressed. “It is also uniform on several other attributes that you will never have heard of because the rabbit people invented them. We must keep going, but remove your shoes. You will want to experience this grass. The rabbit people are known throughout worlds for their grass. Their grass is legendary. The official scientific name of this grass is ‘floofius grassius,’ and it has been designed to imitate fur. ”
Oliver and Olivia dutifully take off their sneakers and socks. Olivia squints at the bottom hem of Vellie’s robe, wondering if he has bare feet under there, too. It’s impossible to tell. Her own toes sink into the grass like it is a soft sheepskin rug or a very very very fluffy dog. Plus it is springy, sort of like a trampoline. More than walking on this grass, a person feels inclined to — well — hop from place to place. Oliver and Olivia start bouncing immediately when their delighted toe-flesh feels the floof-grass.
“Look, Olivia!” Oliver shouts. “Look how high I can go!”
“Haha! Me too!” She shouts back. “It’s so soft! I can’t believe how soft it is!”
“Look, I can do flips!” Oliver squeals with glee. He contorts his body and flies into a violent airborne somersault, and then another one and another one and another one.
“OLIVER!” Vellie shouts, bringing him to a relaxed bounce. “There is no time, Earth children. Come now. We should not draw undue attention to ourselves.” Vellie bounce-walks over to the edge of the hedge and crouches stealthily behind it. The stars all over his midnight-blue robe glitter brightly even in the broad daylight. Oliver and Olivia follow him. They wait there for a few minutes as Vellie peers over the top of the hedge looking for something. Olivia is about to suggest that Vellie should remove his tall, pointed hat in order to to a better job of hiding when the three of them hear what sounds like a distinct ‘pop!’ It sounds like a single kernel of popcorn popping. There is a long pause and then another pop! And a pause. And another one, louder this time: POP!
“Did you hear that, Vellie?” Oliver asks.
“Shush, child. I am deciphering where the sound originated.” There is a thick silence, before:
“Pop-pop-pop-poppopopopopopp!” The air around them is filled with a sound like many popcorn kernels, interrupting one another like they do when they all pop at the same time in a microwave. Oliver and Olivia peer over the top of the hedge next to Vellie. There, further down the perfectly manicured top of the opposite hedge, appear two long, white, impossibly fluffy ears. As they breach the top of the hedge, the pop! sound fills the air once more. Next to the first two, a few meters further down are more sets of identical ears, twitching behind the bright green of the hedge.
“Rabbit ears,” says Olivia.
“We are in the right place,” says Vellie, with a foreboding in his voice. “Time to speak with some rabbit people.”
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It takes less than three seconds for the closest rabbit person to cross the distance between them. Vellie’s pointed hat suddenly disappears from his head and appears between the white, fuzzy ears of the rabbit person.
“Hey would you look at that. Who’s the wizard now, eh?” The creature smirks rudely from below the glittering cone. Oliver and Olivia see now how accurate the term ‘rabbit person’ really is. The animal in front of them has fuzzy ears and a furry head, like a rabbit, except for the face. The face is totally human, though the nose has long whiskers sticking out in both directions and seems to be doing a lot of rabbit-like twitching. Plus, the front teeth protrude a little more than usual. The hindquarters are a bare rabbit behind, complete with fluffy cotton-tail. The torso and arms appear human under a striped t-shirt, but there are white fuzzy paws instead of hands. Olivia wonders vaguely if facts about rabbits or facts about people apply best to rabbit people. She decides it must be both.
“I am a Seer. You must know that, you reprehensible being.” Vellie says. He is shaking a little behind his giant black-rimmed glasses, but his voice bears a practiced calm, like he is negotiating with an unreasonable child. “I will have my hat back now, unless you wish to face the wrath of HSE herself.” The rabbit person smirks and rolls its eyes, but the hat appears back on Vellie’s head.
“Look at this, Mary, they’ve come to enjoy our gardens,” the rabbit person calls over his shoulder as another creature just like him hops swiftly over. This one wears a red jacket instead of a t-shirt.
“Well, Robby, they gotta pay. Our gardens aren’t free.” Oliver and Olivia hear that familiar pop! as Mary blows a very large, pink bubble of chewing gum and pops it loudly. She keeps on chomping as she asks Vellie, with a jerk of her head: “What you got, then? How you want to pay?”
“Well, you heard her — what’ll it be? Rabbit Rubles? Interworld currency? Bitcoin? Or maybe you’d prefer a few months’ hard labour. This grass don’t trim itself, you know.” Robby raises an eyebrow at Oliver’s bare feet. “Enjoying it’ll cost you.”
“How about this,” says Vellie. “I refrain from reporting you bandits to the authorities and in exchange, you help us find an Earth child we are looking for.”
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“Bandits?!” Robby raises himself to his full height, just below four feet tall, and feigns exaggerated offence. “We are honest gardeners, wizard.”
“I am not a wizard any more than you are gardeners. Where are your tools, and your gardening paraphernalia, hmmm? No. You are nothing more than common tricksters. We will not be fooled. Now tell me. Have you heard anything about an Earth child in these parts?”
Robby looks miffed.
“Pop-pop! Pop-pop!” Two smaller, curious-looking rabbit-people blow identical pink bubbles as they hop up behind Robby and Mary.
“You mean the one in jail?” Asks one of the younger rabbit people.
“In the Kingdom prison. Right,” says Vellie. “Thank you. That was not so difficult, now was it? I bid you adieu, Robby, Mary, and the rest of you. Come along, children. Let us leave these fake gardeners to their ostensible hedge trimming.” Vellie takes off, speedwalk bouncing toward the horizon.
“Bye,” Oliver calls to Robby as he and Olivia hop-run after Vellie.
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When they reach Rabbit Kingdom Department of Corrections Facility (RKDCF for short), the super-max, super-secure incarceration establishment of the Rabbit Kingdom, Oliver and Olivia do not realize they have arrived. There is no building. Instead, they see two rabbit people sitting at a folding table. The scene is as casual as a Saturday-afternoon poker game between old friends who happen to have worn matching grey outfits. (This illusion is helped by the fact that the two prison guards actually did bring cards with them, and are just about to begin a new hand.) To one side of the folding table, a television broadcasts an address. As the camera pans in, Olivia can see the rabbit person delivering the speech is wearing a crown.
“We demand to be taken to your inmate known as Paul!” Vellie commands, stopping too close to the table. “Consider it an order dictated by Her Supreme Eminence herself!” Oliver ducks behind Vellie’s back to raise his eyebrows at Olivia and mouth the word ‘God?’ with a shrug. She shrugs back and nods. The rabbit people are not as impressed as they should be.
“What’ll ya give us?” Asks the bigger guard. His name tag reads ‘Logan.’
“Yeah, what’s in it for us, wizard?” The smaller guard, whose name tag says ‘Jeff’ chimes in with a sneer.
“Enough of this wizard nonsense! You both must know I am a Seer!” Vellie sputters, growing red under his midnight-blue hat.
“We don’t care what ya are if there’s nothing in it for us,” says Logan turning to the smaller one, “Now I’m gonna woop your butt, just like I did last round.” He raises a hairy eyebrow and licks his buck teeth. Vellie looks pained and desperate.
“Heh. You’re on,” Jeff replies. “But first, let me get another stick.” He reaches a paw into the breast pocket of his grey-brown polo shirt and pulls out a bubble gum packet, identical to the one Olivia always has in her jeans pocket.
“Give me one too,” says Logan as he picks up his cards between furry white fingers.
“Aw crap!” Jeff shakes the packet upside-down. “There’s none left in here.”
“Do you want one of mine?” Olivia, not missing a beat, takes her gum packet from her pocket and holds two of her last precious pink sticks out in front of them. “I’ll trade you for directions to where you’re holding Paul.”
Four tall white ears and two whiskered noses twitch in consideration.
“Fine,” says Logan, taking the bubble gum. “We’ll take you there.” He extends a furry paw toward the ground in front of their folding table and a hole opens up, leading to a tunnel.
“For a stick of gum, but they would not be motivated by HSE herself,” mutters Vellie with an eye-roll, but he follows the rest of them as they descend into the subterranean, super-secure RKDCF.
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Vellie, Olivia and Oliver follow Logan and Jeff through an impossibly winding maze of dirt tunnels. On either side, there are cells fitted with iron bars that hold all sorts of creatures. Some are rabbit people. Some look human. Oliver sees a pair of outsized dragon fairies. Olivia spots a tank in one cell, with what seems to be a seanicorn held inside it. Trying to memorize the endless twists and turns is useless. Finally, they reach what seems to be a dead end where three cells line the earth walls of the tunnel.
“Paul!” Olivia and Oliver yell in unison as they throw themselves at one of the sets of iron bars. “You’re okay!” Paul looks a little roughed up and dirty, but otherwise unharmed. He looks skinny, though. A pile of carrot-tops covers the ground at his feet.
“Oli! Ola! Ola! Oli!” Paul looks like he is about to cry with relief. “You came for me!”
“Of course we did, Paul!” Olivia tries awkwardly to hug him around the bars.
“Open this cage at once!” Vellie commands the rabbit guards.
“Why should we?” Asks Logan, blowing a bubble gum bubble with a pop! that echoes throughout the chambers and leaves a pink scent clinging to the air.
“Yeah. You gotta make it worth our while. Got any more bubble gum, little girl? We’ll trade for a visit with your buddy.”
“Unbelievable…” Vellie mutters.
“All right,” Olivia says. “Open the cell. But I won’t give you the gum until we are all at the surface again. We are taking Paul home.” She hopes they can’t tell she’s bluffing about the gum; she’s only got one left.
“No can-do little lady,” Logan shakes his head and places his fuzzy hands authoritatively on his hips. “Can’t let the prisoner escape. You can visit, but we leave him in there when we go to the surface.”
“Wait,” says Paul. “You have to save me. But you have to save him more.” He points a shaky finger at the cell opposite his.
“What?” Says Olivia
“Huh?” Says Oliver. “Why?”
“Because he is the rabbit king.”
The two rabbit guards look at each other and snicker.
“The rabbit king, stupid human boy, is giving his weekly speech on TV,” says Logan, with a nastier tone than before.
“That is an imposter,” says Paul in a measured voice. “That creature on TV is not the real king.”
Logan and Jeff hop over to the cell opposite Paul’s.
“What have you been telling the dumb little human, hmm?” Logan asks the prisoner, who is a very large rabbit person with excellent posture.
“Just the truth,” says the prisoner. “That I am the rabbit king, and my crown was taken by a nefarious villain who commands the Dark Web and is known as The Eighth. I have been stuck here ever since he banished me from the throne.”
The rabbit guards double over, laughing their heads off at that.
Vellie’s ears perk up.
“The Eighth!” he whispers to the kids. “We have to get to him. Oliver! Can you make a net to trap the guards?”
Oliver nods and takes a deep breath.
“He thinks he’s the rabbit king! Hoo hoo hahahaha.” The rabbit guards’ laughter has caught a second wind. The small one can barely stand anymore.
“BIG NET TO TRAP GUARDS!” Shouts Oliver all of a sudden, and, just like with Arachne in the NowHere, a huge net ensnares Logan and Jeff. Its mesh cords tighten around them and they fall to the ground in a heap.
“WHAT THE…?! HEY!” Shouts Logan. “Where did that come from? Is the kid some kind of sorcerer?”
“He has a gift, yes.” Says Vellie, stepping forward calmly. “Now give me the keys to both of these cells or we shall not let you go.”
Jeff and Logan struggle for a moment but the net simply gets tighter as they move.
“There’s a motion-activated keypad to the right of the door,” says Jeff finally. He sounds out of breath from his efforts to free himself.
“Surprisingly technologically advanced,” Vellie mutters. “Very well. What is the code?”
“0000,” Jeff replies, hanging his head. “For both.”
“Surprisingly uncomplicated,” says Vellie. He walks over to Paul’s cell and waves his hand over the wall to the right side. Sure enough, a keypad materializes in the wall. And sure enough, when Vellie enters 0–0–0–0 with his long spidery fingers, the door slides open with a whoosh. Paul runs out to hug Oliver and Vellie strides over to the supposed rabbit king’s cell. With another beep-beep-beep-beep on the keypad and a whoosh, the rabbit king hops free. The five of them — Vellie, Oliver, Olivia, Paul and the ostensible rabbit king stand there, staring at each other.
“Well? You gonna free us or what?” Asks Logan finally.
“I actually don’t know how to remove the net,” admits Oliver. “But I can give you knives to cut yourself loose. It might take some time, though.”
“Don’t we need them to guide us out of here?” Asks Olivia. “It’s too confusing to remember where to go.”
“Do not worry. I can get us out of here. I had a whole wing of these tunnels designed and I studied effective subterranean incarceration structure at the Academy for Elite Rabbits,” says the rabbit king.
“Alright! Let us go stop The Eighth. Oliver: give these rabbits their knives and let us proceed immediately to the surface,” says Vellie.
“KNIVES TO CUT NET!” Says Oliver authoritatively, and Jeff and Logan are instantly holding silver knives with wooden handles in their right paws. Vellie shakes his head and mutters:
“It is incredible. Such a gift in a humble Earth child.”
“Follow me,” says the rabbit king.