Dreams, that’s how I woke up.

I stood at a viewing deck looking at space. I was alone looking at the stars in the pitch black void stretching out forever. Before we headed off we still had a period to stock up the fleet so I got to see this view before we left.

“Hey Montes.” the chaplain Sildaru said. “How ya holdin’ up?”

I glanced at the Chaplain and looked back at the view port. The planet we had just fought so hard on still had smoke stacks visible from out here.

“I’m good, I just need a minute.” I said. 

“Montes, I know how you lost your team in that battle. If you need leave just let me know and I can make it happen.” He said.

“Thanks CF.” I responded.

There was a moment of pause between us.

“I’ll be honest.” He said. I looked over at the Chaplain again and this time focused on him.

“I never lost anyone in my squad in a battle.” He said.

He started scratching the nape of his neck while chewing over what to say next.

“I can't imagine what you’re going through right now.” He said.

Again, we stood there in a brief moment of pause. I finally spoke up.

“I miss them, for sure. But I'm not upset about them being gone. We’re the military, this sort of stuff happens. So I guess I was ready for it.” I said.

“So what are you upset about?” Sildaru asked, leaning on the bulkhead right beside me.

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It took me a moment to open up. I started scratching parts of my face and body.

“They-” I stuttered. “I.” I huffed out. I waited a bit to get my thoughts together. “They had dreams. Plans for life outside the service. Now they’re dead and so are their dreams.” I said.

The chaplain glanced at me confused.

“And how's that making you feel like that?” He said. “Happens in war, it’s normal.” He pointed out rightfully.

“I guess-” I blew out a long sigh.

“It's getting to me because. I don’t have any.” I said.

“Dreams?” Sildaru asked.

“Yea.” I answered.

Sildaru stood there silently for a bit and then spoke up.

“Is there anything you want to do with your life?” He asked.

“Not really, no.” I responded. 

“How come?” Sildaru asked.

I started going through my life and piecing together everything that I had done up until this point.

“I never had a choice.” I said.

“We all have a choice.” Sildaru said.

“I know that.” I responded.

“If that’s the case then why did you say you didn’t have a choice.” He pointed out.

I stuttered for a bit. 

“Because. I never had any choice to do anything different. I grew up with the gangs in Luna City and my only way out was joining up with the service. I don’t have a life outside the Army.” I said.

Sildaru chewed over what I just said to him.

“The service is nice but it’s not permanent. If you stay you'll be broken in the mind and the body. So it’s not something you should stay in. If you don’t know what you want to do right now that’s fine. But do give it some thought.” Sildaru said.

“I’ll leave the deck to you. I've got some stuff I need to do before we’re away so think it over.” he said, walking away shortly afterwards.

I looked out into space some more, thinking about what I saw. Everyone I came across had some sort of dream, a vision of their life. A wave of emotions flooded me at once.

Many species were driven by dreams, we came into space driven by them. This sea of stars, the dreams of countless trillions, stretched out across the black void and gave me pause to think. What was the point of my life? If I just stayed in the military for the rest of my life, I would have no purpose in life. All I do wouldn’t matter because I'm just driven by a basic instinct of survival.

If I have no dreams, I am nothing.

I know that being in the military isn’t it. I fully accepted this fact. I will eventually figure out what my dream is, no matter how long it takes.

Dreams, that's how I woke up.