It felt like something had pierced through the essence of my being, the very identity that my life up to this point had built from scratch. A new kind of energy that mixed with my own and invaded my mind, and yet the feeling of malice or anger wasn’t what drowned me in that instant. It was an emotion that I hadn’t experienced in a long time. Blood seeped from the eye on my scarred half, and ran down my face. Although, it didn’t come from an injury.

This was… crying.

“You don’t have the right to be sad.”

A deep, commanding voice from behind me sent chills down my spine, a familiar voice that I knew all too well. I felt my heart skip more beats than I thought were possible while the weight on my body became unbearably heavy. It was an abnormal amount of pressure that always forced me to leave any room he stepped into, a pressure that filled me with a dread I regretted feeling for the past ten years of my short life.

I turned my head, the black space around me getting smaller and smaller by the second, and I saw… myself. A version of myself from ten years ago… with the voice of my father. He was standing with the most emotionless expression I had ever seen a person make. It was one that would put any zombie’s face to shame. I was staring at a hollow corpse…

“This ain’t me being sad,” I said. Well, I tried to say, but I knew it came out as a pathetic stutter instead. “This is-”

“Hate,” the fourteen year old me cut off. I glanced at his light blue shirt, and I noticed a weird picture in the middle—a child smiling in front of a casket while people stood around the casket crying.

“Who could I possibly hate in a place like this? There’s no one here.” The kid gave me the silent treatment and tilted his head, as though the answer was so obvious. That was when I realized that I was the only one here. “I hate… myself?”

“I know. I do too.”

“That’s a load of bull,” I growled, trying to slow my breathing down. “There ain’t a single thing I’ve done that would warrant that feeling.”

He untitled his head. “Are you sure about that?” The boy pointed behind me.

When I turned back to see what he was talking about, the image I saw immediately plunged into a pit of endless darkness without a semblance of effort. My hands shook as the rest of my body felt like a fully charged taser had paralyzed me indefinitely. The blood that flowed out of my eye increased in volume like what I saw ahead of me had directly stabbed it.

It was another version of me—the same age as the one who spoke. Except, he wasn't standing or even looking at me. He was taking bites on the flesh of an unmoving woman, green, toxic drool dripping from his mouth. With how much human meat he so uncaringly stole, the same blank stare never left his face. Everything in that area radiated the scent of evil.

At that moment, no other thought dared to enter my mind. All I could rely on was my body to move.

“Get away from my mom!” I yelled out with all my might, unsheathing the gun at my hip like a sword. I fired a shot at the boy, however, the bullet didn't land on him. Instead, it hit the space between us, shattering it like glass. An intense force began to pull me into the void, which felt like a giant vacuum was sucking me into a reality I didn’t want to be in, a reality I tried so hard to forget.

After what felt like an excruciatingly long time, the world around me changed. I was in a house now—a little small and pretty shabby. But it didn't need to be big when the only people here were my family. My father sat in front of the side of a body covered with a light blue sheet. He was dressed in white suit, like what a man would wear during a wedding. Next to him was a little girl, quietly sobbing as she rubbed her eyes. It looked like my sister, Lyra, from the back.

However, when I came up to her and placed my hand on her shoulder, she whirled her head up to me and screamed, “Don’t touch me, you zombie freak!”

“Huh? I ain’t no-” The words I wanted to say left my mind once I focused on her face. From the back the girl looked like my sister, but from the front she looked like…

“Sunshine? What are you doing to my head?”

Her face that was just filled with so much rage turned into a bewildered expression. She looked at her hands with this crazed look in her puffy eyes, and she began to claw at her face.

I hesitated to ask her another question, but I swallowed that hesitation whole and went through with it. “Are you… Sunshine or are you Lyra?”

The girl’s eyes shifted to me and then back to her hands. She grabbed the top of her white dress, inhaling and exhaling in quick intervals. I stretched my hand out to her, though she immediately smacked it out of the way and ran out the door behind me. Anger flared up in my heart as I watched her body fade into the darkness.

“Where do you think you’re going!?” I shouted, bolting out of the door. The moment I stepped out the door, I felt a strong surge of malice coming my way in the form of a giant beam of energy. My hands raised as though they had a mind of their own, trying to form a forcefield.

Nothing came out. I couldn’t even dodge the impending attack either. It was like time had frozen only for me. Some force out there in the world wanted this for me, and they didn’t want me to escape either. If my heart beat any faster than it did at that moment, then I was sure it would’ve exploded. Actually, my whole body was about to-

The sound of rain splashing on the concrete ground pulled me out of the ocean of fear I was thrown into. I was standing in front of the house I had just ran out of, and the girl was now sitting on the floor–a few feet from my right. She had her face deep in her dress, still crying quietly.

“It’s bad enough that Kaiya, Danny, Melissa, and all my other friends turned into zombies,” she muttered, picking her head up and rubbing her eyes. “But you’re my brother. My twin brother. How are you dumb enough to turn into one too…?”

The question crashed into me harder than any truck ever could. “But I’m not a zombie. See, look!” I waved my hands around, tugged on my suit, and touched my skin. My sister still didn’t look at me. “I got human skin, and I’m not eating you right now, am I?”

“You killed her.” Her voice felt like a knife cutting through my throat.

“And don’t forget. I got healed from that bite. Most other people would’ve turned into one of those undead freaks by now, bu-but I’m fine now.”

“You didn’t even look like you cared.”

“I’m still human.” I sounded pathetic, like a whiny kid just said that.

“You killed mom!”

Without hesitation, I kicked Lyra in her side, sending her flying across the sidewalk. I didn’t know what came over me, but I knew that I had done the same thing years ago.

No, I did even more than that…

Lyra slowly got back up, holding her hip while she sneered at me. Then, she charged at me and I charged back, screaming at each other at the top of our lungs. I decked her in the face with a hardened fist, causing her to stumble. She pushed through the pain and shoved her entire body into me, pushing me to the ground.

“Why….? Why did you take her away from me!?” she asked, sloppily slapping my face. “We were all supposed to stick together through this. Mom, Dad, me, and you. We’ve already lost everything, so why the fuck would you add more to the pile.”

“What happened wasn’t my fault, asshole!” I struck her jaw which dazed her for a bit. I then pushed my sister off of me and submitted her on the ground. “You’re supposed to be my sister. You should’ve always had my back, and yet you had the audacity to say things like that to me? You don’t think I miss her? You don’t think I despise myself for what I did?”

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My sister thrashed under my arms, attempting to escape. She failed. “Screw your feelings! You can’t complain over a reality you created!” she cried. “You killed-”

“But guess what, sis?” I slammed my fist against her face. “I didn’t go around wallowing in sadness all the time like you and Dad did. I grew the fuck up, and I realized that none of that was my fault.” Another punch. “Getting bit by that zombie wasn’t my fault.” Another punch. “Chomping down on Mom wasn’t my fault.” And another. “Killing her… wasn’t my fault!”

“Dante…Bro, stop it! Ple-”

“I don’t even know why I’m so worried about being a ‘respected member of the Underground Radius’. None of those asswipes give a shit about me, including you. So why should I give a shit about my dear old twin sister, huh? You and your feelings are a cancer in my heart and my mind. Cancer doesn’t cure itself, and the only way to defeat it is to cut it out.”

“Bro…”

“So how about I get rid of all those shitty feelings so the only thing left there is hate? I’ll bring out that heart full of hate and rage, and I will burn you… to the ground!”

“Jerome! I don't know what’s going on! This guy just-”

“Jerome?” I stopped my fist just before I could hit her again. The sound of static that was muffling my hearing before had disappeared, and the only things that I heard was her groaning in pain and my heavy breathing. “H-How do you know that name?”

I had just realized how bloody and… broken her face was. I pondered on how I could hurt another member of my family like this, but her face… It wasn’t Lyra’s. It was Sunshine’s face. It was still her’s.

It never went away.

I didn't understand anything. Was this girl my sister or Jerome’s little brat? Why the hell am I living through this again? Was this because of her Radius ability? What could she possibly gain by forcing me to experience this?

“Bro…” Every time I blinked my eyes, her face changed. One blink, and I’d see Sunshine. Another blink and I’d see Lyra. “We only have… each other now. Don't take me away too…”

“Lyra…?”

“Dante… If this is what you went through, then why did you spend years tormenting my dad? You of all people should know how important being a parent is in this world, and yet you treated him like he was nothing.”

I didn’t respond to her. Mostly because I was more focused on the incoming beam heading straight towards us. It was the same attack I saw the second I stepped out the door. Just like before, I couldn’t move. I wanted to move so badly, but I couldn’t. All I wanted to do was protect mys-

“Bro, save me! Please!”

My sister… Save my sister…?

In that instant, every other desire I had, every selfish thought in my brain, every negative feeling in my heart were all replaced with just a single sentence.

I need to save my sister!

Without a second thought, I pointed my palm at the beam. Whatever or whoever fired that blast, there was this murderous intent that sunk the entire world into a bottomless malice. The ground beneath me shook, and the house my dad was in crumbled. However, I didn’t move. Not because I couldn’t or that I was frozen in fear. I didn’t move because I didn’t want to. Being alone in a reality I made for myself sounded pretty shitty.

Energy slowly appeared out of thin air in front of my eyes, and it transformed into the shape of a bubble—a bubble that would protect the only family I had left.

Finally, the blast of death slammed into the forcefield I created, and I instantly felt the force that the attack wielded. It had a power that felt like it was solely made through a feeling of hatred. Which meant that the barrier around me and Lyra needed to exist for one thing too.

I turned my head back to my sister, who was staring at me with fear and amazement in her eyes. “Lyra… Ly! You were right about one thing you said before, and that was that we were all both of us had left. Mom died, and it’s not like Dad’s gonna be all chummy with me anymore. And even though I survived that zombie bite, I’m sure every survivor we meet is gonna be wary of me. You were the only one brave enough to do anything with me. I mean, you tackled me for Christ’s sake.”

“What… What are you trying to say?” Her hands were clenching her black hair—something she did when she was stressed or scared.

“I’m trying to say that we’re twins, so no matter what happens in our lives, I’m always gonna be stuck to you like glue.” I felt my body getting weaker with each passing second, the ground under my feet cracking like glass. “If you die, then part of me dies too. So I have to protect you, and you have to protect me too. That’s the deal when it comes to being in a family, right?”

“But what about-”

Before Lyra could finish her sentence, I extended a hand to her, gesturing for her to hold it. “We’re the only family we have left. We already lost Mom. Don’t think you can afford to lose me too.”

She took a while to consider what I said, watching my hand with a weak look in her eyes. Finally, she took my hand and said, “I don’t know what to feel anymore.”

“All you have to feel is protected,” I said with a smirk.

Although, those words wouldn’t mean much in the end as I heard my bubble shatter. I barely turned around before the beam crashed into the side of my face, an acidic sensation burning through my skin. Even though it hurt so much, the thought that it was only hitting me smothered the pain I felt. As long as Lyra was fine, then this blast could do its worse.

Kill me for all I care…

That’s when the realization of it all shot through my head. This Radius Ability of mine was never awakened all those years ago because I wanted to save myself. These forcefields existed because I wanted to save my sister. No wonder I couldn’t make them bigger. No wonder my usage of it was so limited. No wonder why everyone hated me so fucking much.

I was using my power the wrong way this whole time, and my face was destroyed as punishment for that. Maybe if I realized something as simple as that… all those people in that building that this same attack blasted through would’ve lived.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I couldn’t do… what you asked of me.”

************************

I was sitting down in the black space where that kid version of me was speaking. Except this time I was the kid. The body covered by the sheet was in front of me, and I already knew who was under it.

“Mom…”, I said, my voice higher pitched. “If you were still alive under there, I’m sure you’d hate me for what I did. What I hate the most about it was that the only thing I remember from the situation was… the taste. The taste was just… so good.”

I nearly threw up from saying such a twisted line. “That stupid zombie changed something about me, and I hate it. I hate that zombie for what it made me do to you. Yeah, that’s it! I only hate that zombie. It’s that thing’s fault, not mine.”

I reached for the sheet with a shaky hand, swallowing my spit. “Alright, Mom? You don’t have to be mad at me anymore. I didn’t do it, ok? I don’t hate myself for what I did, so you don’t have to hate me, ok?”

Once I removed the sheet, I began to drown in an ocean of confusion. It was me under the sheet, black, hollow eyes staring above. I didn’t know what this sick world was trying to tell me at that point.

No, that was a lie. I knew exactly what it was trying to tell me.

“I hate… myself?”

“I hate you,” the body said, its eyes still looking up.

“Are you saying that as my mom… or as me?”

“I hate you.”

I stayed silent for a couple seconds, and then I sighed in defeat. I didn’t even remember what she looked like…

“I hate myself too.”

The moment I said that, I felt a firm hand grasp my shoulder. It felt warm. I looked behind me and was shocked to see that Jerome was standing there with his daughter on his shoulders.

However, judging from the weak smile he gave me and his emotionless eyes, I quickly figured that this man was supposed to be my father.

“C’mon son. The road’s not gonna travel on itself, is it?”

“Dad, don’t you… hate me for what I did? Or at least angry?”

Instead of answering my question, my father turned towards a bright light in the distance and started to walk there. He stopped at one moment, making a fist, but he continued walking. He stopped again, scratching the back of his head. He kept going.

I assumed that was the answer he wanted to give me and turned back, accepting it half heartedly. That was until he spoke one last time to me.

“Dante, just be a good person. That’s what your mother always wanted from you.”

I had no idea if any of that was something my father told me, or just something I wanted him to tell me. What I did know was that those words were things… Jerome would probably say.

I don’t think I ever hated Jerome, and I don’t think I ever hated Sunshine either.

I was just jealous of the relationship that they shared…