The last rays of sunlight stroked his cheeks with warmth as the sun set beneath the city line. Some reflections could still be seen in windows at the edge of town, but just like that, the warmth was gone. Alex sighed deeply, a feeling of emptiness taking over him in place of what he thought was Wonder… Hope… Happiness? In truth the empty feeling had been there all along, it had just been suppressed, as much by his will power, as any cover inferred by the fleeting feelings a moment may bring. But now he felt it swelling up again. His smile faded and he turned his eyes down. He was standing in the window, 4 floors up. Below he saw a lady walking her dog and a lone figure driving by in a family car. The neighbourhood was quite still despite housing something like a thousand people all in high apartment buildings.

Turning around, the room stood dim and quiet except for the low hum of his computer fan. His eyes were drawn to the screen where he had YouTube opened in his tabs. Three in fact; two videos he had started and wanted to finish eventually, just not right now, and one with his subscription tab. He followed a lot of people but as he reloaded the page, looking over the new uploads with a glance, he decidedly looked away. He wasn't feeling it right now. Instead he twisted and dropped backwards onto his bed, and reached into his pocket for his phone. He started checking Instagram, then Tik Tok and then Discord in quick succession before opening YouTube. When realising it hadn't been more than 2 minutes since he’d checked it on his computer. He turned his phone off and let it drop onto his chest as he stared up at the ceiling.

The bedding was still cool and refreshing to Alex who just laid there breathing. He could feel his heart rate and breath slowly go down. He would have been surprised at the rate his heart was beating if he weren't used to this same procedure every other day. Those were the good days after all… Five minutes later he lifted his right leg up before throwing it down flinging himself up with the momentum imbued by the leg. Three steps around the corner and he was in the bathroom, and short bladder relief later he stepped out again and dropped face first back onto the bed… it was still warm and his heart rate spun. “AAagh!“ Alex made a shouting noise into his bedsheets and curled them up under him with his forearms as a pang of emotion filled him. Was it dread, anxiety, or just murky old depression? It didn't matter what it was, Alex thought of such terms as just that... terms. What mattered was that he felt it, and that he had for months.

Some days were better than others; the days he met with people, talked to family on the phone, or went to classes. It was the days after that were the worst, those were the days he didn't get out of bed. Day and night were just the same to him, and it just seemed like a blur to him both during and when looking back at it. Those days he would watch YouTube, Tik Tok, browse Reddit… Insta… HELL even Twitter… not today, today he was sick of it. His heart was still racing, and the bed was too damned warm.

He tossed and turned, but the sheets were not calming him, nor his heart rate, so he rolled out of bed catching himself and easing his fall onto the ground with his right arm and leg. Down he went, albeit slowly. Curled up on arms and knees his breath was out of control. IN OUT IN OUT IN OUT, IN, OUT, in, out, in, out.. in, out.. in, out… he wished he could cry. People do say that helps, but he had cried many times, and, while it helped with the stress, it just left him empty afterwards. And THAT emptiness was what he was afraid of, THAT was room for more anxiety. Instead he pushed his head against the floorboards and felt the blood rush into his head. It was uncomfortable, yes… but it was a feeling to take his mind off the world; then he could think. He knew what he would decide before he had even thrown himself back on the bed. He just needed to decide it. So, he did. He pulled himself up; if he had a mirror he would have seen himself red-faced with a white imprint on his forehead, where his head had pressed against the floor. Not a nice sight, but he would not see it, nor would anyone else. Alex grabbed his parka, winter hat and gloves before closing the apartment door behind him. He was going out.

Stepping outside Alex was hit by the cold breeze, while there wasn't any snow, it was a few days into December and his breath could be seen in the crisp winter air. With the sun set, and a clear sky the streets were now lit only by the street lights and a wage lustre of starlight. Lights also glimmered across the street as frost covered the asphalt.

Looking up Alex decided upon where to go. He didn't have a place in mind, and decided instead to not go where he usually went, up the road towards the university. While he had missed a lot of lectures the past few months, he had been studying for a couple of years now. He had started and left many programs, many classmates… he had studied math, science, history and philosophy. His studies were broad, some renaissance philosophers would have been frothing at their mouths for such an education, but alas such is not the time we live in. Today any higher education needs to be focused on one sub-specialisation of a field, or no employer would want to employ you. No, that was not for Alex. And so, he turned down the road instead. He bundled his hands in his pockets and huddled his chin into the parka as the wind picked up. It wasn't like he hadn't been through worse and while the wind was uncomfortable, so was he indoors.

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He turned under the central highway through an under passage, and up across the park that follows the river. Here the wind blew harder, across the open water, spurring up the usually calm river surface. Alex sat down by the water edge, slavic style, on the rocky river front. Looking out on the glimmering waters. There was plenty of light from windows of buildings on the other side, he felt it ruined the tranquility, as the lights were cast from all directions. That was to be expected as he was in the middle of the city.

Soon he heard people walking down the path behind him, so he got up as he didn't want to look like he was in need of help. Jogging up to the pathway he heard the people coming closer, just behind the bend obscured by leafless bushes and trees. Alex walked slowly along the path, not towards those approaching, but away. He walked slowly so that soon they passed him. It was an elderly man and a younger woman, possibly father and daughter, though she looked like she was in her mid-thirties. They spoke lively about the daughter's mother, and how she'd always made them this toasted breakfast with tea in the mornings. And then the daughter promised to make some for the man tomorrow morning. They had passed by before Alex heard the man's response, but he thought he could hear a chuckle carried over the wind. This made Alex think of his own family. He loved his family — he really did, but there was that same problem as when he spent time with anyone else. Alex wouldn’t feel like himself; instead he’d wear the emotions of someone else, the person others expected him to be — leaving Alex feeling his interactions to be false in some ways. However, the worst was when it was family… he cared for them, and cared to be himself around them — yet he couldn’t be that person. So, he put on the facade, and when he’d leave the mask would wash off and he would not recognize the man he’d just been.

Now alone again Alex stopped. He didn't know where to go. It wasn't late yet, just dark, so he could head to some store or cafe maybe. He didn't like wasting money and didn't enjoy shopping for things if he didn't need it, so then what? He wasn't that much of a drinker and had no desire of befriending a drunk at some bar. He looked about. Houses, apartments, offices to his left, the river to his right, stores up ahead, and the city center some 10 min behind him. Maybe just go and buy some snacks… something nice to eat, that's something Alex did when alone; cook, he felt accomplished when he made a proper meal. He wasn't the best of cooks but he took pride in his dishes not being instant noodles or reheated pan pizza, like many students. And he never ate out. No, he had food at home and didn't feel like treating himself to anything right now.

Instead he breathed in heavily. He felt his body constraint while holding his breath in. He shut his eyes, and turned his head up towards the sky, as the seconds past the wind blew by on his neck. It was cold. Then the wind calmed and he let the breath out as he watched the water vapor rise. It wasn't much but he felt alive for a moment, a touch of reality, true nature. Both his muscles, the wind and the vapor in the air. Then it was over. Still he stared up, up at the steel and concrete of a bridge spanning the river. The bridge. While turning his gaze over to the hillside the bridge was anchored to, he spoke; "Why not. "

So, he climbed the steep incline — stepping firmly, as the long frost glazed grass made for some rather treacherous footing. At the worst part Alex had to kick the half-frozen ground to make foot holds and grab handfuls of grass straws, that he curled together with a twist of the hand, to support his ascent. Then he was up, filled with vigor from the climb he hurled himself over the guardrail and out on the motorway, and onto the bridge. There was some traffic, the bridge didn't account for pedestrians crossing it; however, there was enough room on the side of the road to fit two people walking side by side without getting onto the road lanes.

When reaching the midpoint of the bridge, a one tower suspension bridge, Alex did something he never thought of himself doing. He grabbed at the railing, and when no cars were crossing the bridge he climbed over. He didn't jump off, he might have had problems but he wasn't suicidal — he wasn't. Instead he sat down on a small edge on the lay side of the bridge, feet dangling. He looked out over the city — his city — where he lived, and had grown up. Yet it felt alien to him. He'd always loved nature more, the forests, mountains, ocean, wild animals and the clouds in the sky. Such things had a raw beauty to them. Yet this city was his home, even if he dreamed of nature's freedoms; the city had opportunities and duties, and Alex thought himself subscribed to a belief of valor through diligent work. He just wished his work could be more… innate. Anyhow, there was some natural beauty here as well. He sat quietly unseen, spectating the world around him in the dark. He sat there for hours — feet in the air — just watching the stars, water, city lights, northern lights. The aurora showed up towards the end, several hours in. They were weak green shimmers stretching out across the sky, dancing alongside the river — just several kilometers up in the sky. The light pollution from the city made them hard to see, but Alex had the time to make them out. As he sat, Alex lost himself in thought and his heart was now calm.

Then his heart skipped a beat, he couldn't hear anything and his eyes were dimmed. The air swirled around him, and as his eyes focused he saw a truck cabin poking out over the bridge railing some ways away. The truck had been saved by the railing but at the cost of it buckling, which in turn had knocked Alex off his slim seat arrangement. He was falling. And just as the realisation hit him, so did the surface of the river. BANG! All his air went out of him and he started sinking. When he tried to move an extreme jolt of pain shot throughout his legs, they'd been broken by the surface impact. Now dazed, stunned, with broken legs and out of air Alex made a feeble attempt to claw at the water that was quickly surrounding him, pulling him along the steaming river currents — it was not nearly enough. Soon the beautiful lights disappeared, and not far after the biting cold faded and Alex just had a single fleeting thought.

"I am fine with this,"

End of chapter one.