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Royal Road Community Magazine [January 2022 Edition]
Reckless Cultivator (An Urban Cultivation Comedy)

Reckless Cultivator (An Urban Cultivation Comedy)

I hate bullies. I always have, and I always will.

Back on earth, before I transmigrated into this world, a group of bullies used to pick on me in high school. The teachers did nothing because they always caught me when I was walking home from school. So long as they didn’t see anything happen on school grounds, the teachers didn’t care.

One of the greatest days of my life was the time when I caught the leader of that gang of pests alone and beat him within an inch of his life with a two-by-four. Right before he lost consciousness, I bent over him and said, “Bother me again and next time you won’t get off so easily.”

That was all in the past, of course.

Today my mission was to eliminate the biggest bully of them all, King Marcus of Krivich. He was a liar, a cheat, and horribly incompetent to boot. Worst of all, and the reason I was here, was that he was going to plunge the country into a war that it couldn't win.

I twirled the dagger in my right hand as I tapped my left forefinger on my thigh. The target was running late. My informant had told me that the king kept regular hours, which made my job easier. Right now, the morning audience had just finished, so he should be on his way to his bedroom to change out of his court robes.

No matter. I could wait.

Sneaking into this place via a secret passageway known only to the ruler and his mistress had been a piece of cake. All I needed to do now was to quickly and quietly stab King Marcus’ throat, leaving behind an ornate dagger that would neatly pin the blame on a corrupt noble.

I checked the quest status screen on the upper right-hand corner of my field of view.

[The Mad King: 3/12]

Looking around at the king’s bedroom, I seated myself on a throne-like chair.

That was when it happened. Outside, the sun went out as though someone had blown out a candle. The System’s status window started glitching.

[̶̬̼́́Ț̷̢̜́h̸̙͘ẻ̶̢̥̤ ̷͔͈̯̯̲̻̀́̋͌͆̏M̴̟̙͔̞̲̏̚ä̷̮̻̱́̄d̶̝͍̫̞̬̋̑̏̀̂̌̚ ̵̨̇̏̌̂̚Ķ̸͚͇̭̎̕͜î̸̤̥̥̪̟͇͖͌̅ǹ̶̢͓̲͖̪̻̑ĝ̵̦̯̘̗͖̗͚̃̎̽:̴͇͈̼̤͑̀͂͛͛͆ ̵̡̛̬̈́̐̍3̶̻͇̙̌̋̂̏̃̚͜/̶͖̰̼̳͎̦̀̍̍1̵̡̠̪̱̗̹̌̾͒̅͋2̸̲̼̳͆̓́́̚]̸̢̫͚̬̯̰̋ͅ

I jumped up and looked around wildly. What the heck was happening?

This was the first time since I had transmigrated into the world of Amber from my boring old life on earth that the System acted strangely.

“Damn!” I wait a few minutes, but the sun did not reappear, and the System continued to glitch until, finally, a new message appeared.

[Error 108: Critical World Existence Failure]

I had no idea what this error was, but it didn’t sound good. Sure enough, after a few seconds an even worse System message appeared.

[Soul Transfer Initiated]

This was the same message that I had seen when I was first transported into this world after getting hit by a truck on Earth.

“No! I don’t want to go to another world again,” I said.

I’d worked hard for three years to master all the essential assassin skills. What would happen if I left this world? I’d read plenty of light novels, and I was worried that I would have to restart as a level one noob or worse, a baby.

I cursed this world and the System, but it was no use. A swirling portal opened above me and I was sucked into it whether or not I wanted to transmigrate.

***

[Welcome to the world of Ember, Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov!]

My name was not Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov. Which idiot thought of giving me such a stereotypical Russian name? This wasn’t cool at all.

“Change name,” I said out loud. I was lying naked on a bed with a white sheet covering me and the soft pillow under my head. The room was small, and the only thing in it apart from the bed was a built-in closet.

Unfortunately, the System ignored my command. I resigned myself to the inevitable and clicked on the “next” button.

[Tutorial Quest: Disciple Selection Event]

I clicked on the window to read the quest description.

[Attend the Disciple Selection Event at the Fountain Square. Quest Reward: 10 Quest Points]

What? Disciple Selection Event? There were no other details, but it sounded quite promising.

I closed the quest window, and a countdown timer appeared on the upper right-hand corner of my field of view.

[Time Left: 00:59:59]

The strange thing was, I felt exactly the same as I had before I was transported into this new world, but I looked completely different. Unlike before, when I had brown hair and eyes, and a nondescriptive face, now I was a rather handsome-looking blond with blue eyes. Did this mean that I was no longer an assassin since I had a much more conspicuous appearance?

Sadly, as I expected, I was now level 1 again. My new body lacked the hard-won muscles I had before. I tried to punch a hole in the table, but all I got for it was sore knuckles.

This tale has been pilfered from Royal Road. If found on Amazon, kindly file a report.

Since I still had one hour left, I spent the time looking around this new place. The closet contained a boring assortment of white shirts and T-shirts, along with brown and black pants and jeans. I put on some clothes and opened the window to see a monotonous expanse of high-rise buildings. Down at the street level, I could see that people were pouring out of the buildings and walking in groups to the east, where the sun was near its zenith.

My new home was a tiny apartment that had one bedroom, one kitchen/dining room, and one bathroom. It had a fridge and stove, but no television or computer. As for personal belongings, there was a wallet on top of the dining room table. All I found after looking through all the kitchen cabinets and drawers was a bag of coffee beans.

According to the ID that I found in the wallet, I was Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov, eighteen years old, and a student at North View High School. Apart from the ID, it also contained a small amount of cash, a folded piece of paper with the numbers “1234,” and a bank card. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that the numbers were my bank pin. I really hope I had a decent amount of money in this world since I doubted that an eighteen-year-old could find a good job easily.

I had no idea where Fountain Square was, but I would probably get there by following the crowds.

When I opened the door to my apartment and stepped out, I saw a ball of white and blue coming at me from my left side at great speed. I immediately tried to step back into my apartment, but something kept me frozen in place.

A warm and sweetly scented body slammed into mine.

“Brother Ivan!” said a loud and high-pitched voice in my ear. It was a girl who seemed to be around the same age as Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov. She looked like something out of an old-school anime, with her fluffy blue hair and droopy teal eyes. In addition, she had a rather ample chest.

[Do you want to turn on the Automatic Quest Mode? Yes/No]

The girl had her arms around me, so I couldn’t click on the “No” button.

“Are you coming with me to the Disciple Selection Event?” the girl asked.

Great! Now I wouldn’t get lost, or miss the event. I said, “Yes.”

To my horror, the System’s “Yes” button flickered. Damn, I’d accidentally selected the Automatic Quest Mode!

“I’m sure you’ll get great results,” said the girl whose name I still didn’t know.

Now that I was in the Automatic Quest Mode, my body automatically walked beside hers and said, “Anything is fine. I just want to get accepted into a school.”

I hated this mode because I had no control over it. However, it wasn’t too bad because it was only offered during story quests when there was very little at stake. I let the girl’s chatter wash over me as I looked around. I’d done this before, so I knew that tutorial mode functioned as a brief introduction to what the System expected me to do.

“I can’t believe you got ‘undefined’ every single time during the school assessment, but now there will be a lot of experts, so I’m sure we’ll finally find out what your real capabilities are,” she said.

She must think that I am one of her friends. I’d experienced this before, so I knew how it worked. During my previous transmigration, the System had arranged a history and background for me that was quite unremarkable, presumably so that I could blend into my new surroundings better.

We walked down the hallway to the elevator that was empty. On the ground floor, we both said our hellos to the elderly woman who was checking her mailbox, and to the other people we encountered on our way to the front door. I memorized their names and faces as best as I could.

The street was full of teenagers and their families walking together. I and the girl exchanged greetings with some of them, which allowed me to find out her name: Anna.

It was a balmy spring day, and the air smelled of exhaust fumes and dust. The surrounding buildings were either cheap-looking residential blocks or old office complexes, with a few rundown stores on the lower levels. From the store signs, I knew that this place was called Salsk City.

After twenty minutes, we arrived at Fountain Square.

If I had control of my body, I would’ve gasped in surprise. The normal-looking buildings and humans had deceived me into thinking that I was in a typical modern-day world, but the scene in front of my eyes showed me just how wrong I was.

On a twenty-foot wide stage in the middle of the square, a dozen or so people were seated on a long table. In front of them were floating transparent crystal balls. The assessment was already in full swing. I saw that the procedure was quite simple. People stepped in front of the table and touched one of the balls which would light up with different colors. Then the result of the assessment would be projected on a screen above them for all to see, and one of the people seated on the table would announce his or her evaluation over the public speaker system.

“Petar Petrov, five Spirit Roots.”

“Eva Novakova, five Spirit Roots.”

Spirit Roots? I’d transmigrated into a cultivation world! I was so happy that I wanted to dance a jig. This was an amazing opportunity for me. Forget about becoming a magical assassin, becoming a cultivator would be like a dream come true! At one time in my life, I had practically overdosed on wuxia and xianxia novels. I was thrilled at the thought of becoming a kick-ass cultivator myself.

Based on what Anna said, most people already knew what their Spirit Roots were. The formal assessment event was only to confirm people’s status, and also to find out if anyone’s Spirit Roots had mutated, which was something that could happen when a person hadn’t yet reached full physical maturity. That was why the Disciple Selection event was held for eighteen-year-olds and above.

Since I was still in Automatic Quest Mode, I didn’t have to puzzle out what to do when Anna and I parted ways. My body walked itself to the end over a very long line of young men and boys.

By the time I reached the end of the line, the sun was already setting, and most people had already left.

Anna appeared beside me right before the usher signaled me to step up to the stage.

“Here’s a kiss for good luck!” Blushing, she threw her arms around my neck and gave me a quick peck on the cheek before running off.

“You lucky guy,” the usher said to me as I passed, but I paid him no attention since my heart was racing at the thought of finding out what Spirit Roots I had.

Perhaps the System would allow me to choose? The best, of course, would be to have a single Spirit Root, also called a Heavenly Spirit Root. I would like it to be the Heavenly Lightning Spirit Root, but I would be okay with it if I had a Fire, Metal, or Earth Spirit Root.

The more Spirit Roots one had, the more difficult it was to cultivate. Cultivation required one to gather and refine the spiritual energy of the matching element. Thus, if one had, for example, Fire and Earth Spirit Roots, one would need to cultivate both elements, whereas people who had one Spirit Root would only need to cultivate one type of elemental energy.

Recruiters from various schools swarmed the few people who had one or two Spirit Roots the moment they stepped down from the stage.

I walked up to the nearest empty spot and touched a crystal ball. It immediately lit up and many colors swirled inside it.

“Interesting.” The assessor in front of me leaned forward and smiled. “They’ve read about this in a book, but this is my first time to see it in person. Hey guys, check this out!”

He waved the other assessors over and they all exclaimed in surprise while I waited impatiently for my results.

“Incredible. Wait, let me take a picture.” The youngest assessor, a red-haired man with small eyes gestured at me to stand closer to the crystal ball as he took a picture with his smartphone.

“Hey now, don’t be mean,” said my assigned assessor. My heart sank as he gave me a pitying look. “Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov, seven Spirit Roots.”

He scrawled his findings on the evaluation report and handed me a copy. The piece of paper spelled out my misfortune: “Seven Spirit Roots - Wood, Fire, Earth, Water, Metal, Lightning, and Darkness. Recommendation: Not Suitable for Cultivation.”

Damn, this was the worst possible outcome!