After wiping the blood off my new armor, I put on the breastplate and pants. The padded leather was heavier than I’d expected, but it fit well and gave me freedom of movement. I felt like an umpire in a baseball game.
The next order of business was finding a weapon. Searching through a grove of trees, I found a branch that was thick on one end and thin on the other. When I cleared away the leaves, my character sheet told me I was wielding a -1 club. Would this be enough to slay Lessel’s rats? Only one way to find out.
Following the Local Map, I reached Lessel’s house and found the front door unlocked. I stepped inside slowly, holding my makeshift club in both hands. Nothing leapt out. No signs of danger.
Inside the kitchen, cups and plates were neatly arranged, and everything was covered with a thick layer of dust. The tiny bedroom looked much the same—dust covered the cot and the bedside table, but everything was in order.
After a second search, I found a hatchway at the foot of Lessel’s cot. As I raised the hatch, an acrid scent hit me like a punch to the face. I'd found the rats. The staircase descended into darkness, so I took the lantern from the bedside table. After lighting the wick, I proceeded downward, lantern in my left hand and club in my right.
EEK! EEK!
As I reached the middle of the stairwell, two rats ran screaming toward me, each the size of a football. One leapt onto my thigh and embedded its teeth into the armor’s padding. The other jumped onto my side and scurried upward.
I tossed aside my club, grabbed the rat traveling up my body with my right hand, and bashed it against the wall. Splat! I extracted the other rat from my armor and threw it down the stairs. Splat!
With each death, a message with gold letters appeared in the upper-right corner of my field of view: 50 XP! I checked my character sheet and smiled. I’d gained 100 experience points without losing a health point.
I took a deep breath. I’d never killed anything larger than an insect before, and even though these rats were just part of a game, they looked, sounded, and felt real. The bloodstains certainly looked real.
Continuing downward, I got a better look at the cellar. Most of the area was occupied by tables covered with broken alembics, rat droppings, and foul-smelling purple-green goo. Bookshelves stood in the south and east, each bearing thick tomes covered with dust.
I held the lantern at chest level as I entered the cellar. Beneath one table, rats fed on a corpse wearing a yellow robe. I stepped on two while they were distracted with their dinner. 50 XP! 50 XP! The other two screamed and attacked, and I kicked them against the wall. 50 XP! 50 XP!
I looked through the bookshelves, searching for a recipe book or anything else that could be useful. While my back was turned, a rat leapt from the top shelf and bit. It felt as though a pencil tip had been driven into the back of my neck. Gritting my teeth, I grabbed the rat's midsection and hurled it to the ground. 50 XP!
According to my character sheet, my health had fallen to 4 points out of 6, and I’d earned a total of 350 experience points. I was only a third of the way to Level 2, but that would change as soon as I found the recipe book. Where was it?
I continued searching through the shelves, but all I found was more broken equipment. I examined the half-eaten corpse on the floor. Was this Lessel or the operative sent to fetch his book? I rifled through the yellow robe, but found nothing.
Raising my lantern, I studied the cellar wall. The stones were all rectangular, but one was a perfect square, like a secret panel in a fantasy game. I retrieved my weapon, stepped back, and pressed the stone with the butt of my club. The southern bookshelf rotated into the wall, revealing a tiny room.
I approached carefully, club raised, and then gasped when I saw the red eyes. The rat beyond the secret door was as large and as muscular as a pit bull, and it was happily gnawing away on a humanoid body. The corpse wasn't dressed like a wizard, so I assumed this was my predecessor.
The rat seemed too absorbed in his feast to notice me, and if I’d had the presence of mind, I could have struck it with my club or at least closed the secret door. But I couldn't move. I’d encountered giant rats in games, but this was the most hideous creature I’d ever seen in the flesh, and it chilled my blood to see it eating a man with such feral joy.
A thought occurred to me. If I left the house, I could pull myself together and come up with a real plan. I took trembling steps backward, and naturally, I nearly tripped on a dead rat. The sound of its bones snapping may as well have been a gunshot.
The monstrous rat looked up from its meal and fixed me with an expression of curiosity. Then the corners of its mouth curled upward and it trotted out of the secret room, licking the blood from its fangs. I backed toward the stairs, slowly at first, then faster. The beast followed, clearly eager to begin its second dinner. It snarled when I came a few feet away from the stairs, and then it dashed forward and leapt on my chest, knocking me to the ground.
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More terrified than hurt, I screamed and struck the side of the rat’s head with my club. This dazed the beast, giving me time to get to my feet. I struck again, and this time, something snapped. I’d hoped it was the rat’s skull, but after looking down, I saw that my tree branch had split in two.
A red bar appeared above the rat, and though I couldn’t tell how many health points it had left, it looked like it was down to half. According to my character sheet, my health had dropped to 2 points out of 6. Just one bite would kill me.
I felt ridiculous, facing a man-eating rat with a lantern and a broken tree branch. Rat quests were supposed to be easy!
I backstepped up the stairs, still looking into those red eyes. The rat followed, matching me step for step through the bedroom and kitchen. Each time it rushed forward, I thrust the lantern in its face until it backed off.
A few more steps brought me to the front door, which was blessedly still open. I took a deep breath and hurled my lantern at the rat. While it was distracted, I turned and ran out of the house, slamming the door behind me. The rat crashed against the door, but to my relief, the wooden frame held firm.
I dropped my club and fell to my knees. This quest had nearly killed me, so I decided to look for another.
⚔
The Guardhouse appeared to be half police station and half fighter’s guild. Placards covered the walls, and fencing lessons were conducted in an adjoining room. In front of me, two soldiers in chainmail sat at an oak table. Over their armor, they wore tunics bearing green-and-gold shields.
The soldiers couldn’t have looked more different. The one on the left was a hulking human with skin the color of obsidian, while the one seated on the right was a white-haired dwarf with a majestic beard. The dwarf’s booming voice filled the room.
“Welcome, citizen! I’m Captain Farrow, and my colleague is Lieutenant Tarlest. How can we help you today?”
I did my best to keep the exhaustion from my voice. “I’m an adventurer… looking for work.”
Both officers looked me over. Tarlest shook his head slowly. Farrow grimaced.
“We certainly have tasks that need doing. Gnoll bandits need to be dealt with, a missing guardsman needs to be found, and strange encounters in the Northern Forest need to be investigated. But we, ah, prefer to deal with adventurers who have more weapons than wounds.”
Tarlest snorted. “Maybe you should give up adventuring and take up farming. The kingdom always needs more turnips.”
I did my best to smile. “I’m looking for something simple. I could run an errand across town or deliver a message.”
In fact, I was looking for a type of quest called a fetch quest. These were common in fantasy games to help low-level players gain experience without facing danger.
Tarlest looked offended. “He’s calling us lazy, Captain. Saying we can’t do our jobs.”
“No.” I raised my hands. “I wasn’t—"
Farrow smiled as though addressing a child. “When we have simple tasks that need doing, we do them ourselves. And as I’m sure you’ve seen, this village is only one hundred paces wide. When I need to contact anyone, I just step outside and shout.”
“What about crimes in the village?” I asked. “Do you need any help?”
Tarlest’s mouth fell open; Farrow’s eyes widened as though I’d asked him the color of the sky.
“Young man,” Farrow said, “Galliel’s army is on its way, and everyone with money or ambition left days ago. No one has anything worth stealing, so the only crimes we get now are suicides.”
Tarlest nodded. “And those are easy to solve.”
I lowered my head, out of ideas. If these soldiers weren’t going to give me any quests, then I had no choice—I had to face the giant rat without a proper weapon.
Farrow slapped his palm on the table. “Just a moment! I believe I have just the mission for you. One perfectly tailored to your… unique abilities.”
“Yes? What is it?”
“There’s a half-dead adventurer in shabby armor bleeding all over the floor. Convince him to become a farmer, will you? And if you can’t do that, at least get him to leave the premises.”
I checked my character sheet, and since I’d left Lessel’s house, I'd only regenerated a single health point. My health was now at three out of six. Half-dead indeed.
Both officers threw back their heads and laughed, and Farrow slapped his hand on the table as tears ran down his face. I took the hint and left.
⚔
I walked toward Lessel’s house, besieged by dark thoughts. The giant rat was going to kill me, which meant I was going to die after only a few hours in this ridiculous game. After I flatlined, Jocasta would throw my body in a dumpster and kidnap Erik the Cleric.
I didn’t deserve any of this. I’d obeyed the laws and played by society’s rules. I deserved the same safeguards everyone else had. Dead bodies in the cellar? Call the police. Giant rat? Call an exterminator.
My thoughts turned to El Gato, who would never cry about what he did or didn’t deserve. He’d embrace the opportunity to fight a monstrous rat. He’d trust to his cunning and leap into battle with a grin.
A THUD sounded up ahead, which meant the rat was still slamming into the front door. Apparently, its health regenerated faster than mine, so it could probably continue striking the door indefinitely.
I wasn’t El Gato. I was a rational man, and when faced with a man-eating rat, the rational response is fear. I only had four health points left, which meant the rat could kill me with two slashes.
Another THUD. I wondered what would happen if I ignored my quests. I could explore this world until something killed me. Or maybe Lieutenant Tarlest was right, and I should take up farming.
No. When you’re trapped in an unfair game, it’s better to get it over with. I approached the door, thinking about El Gato. Would he punch and kick the rat? Or would he try to strangle the beast?
I stopped. El Gato would never open the door. He’d make his own entrance and gain the element of surprise. The seed of a plan germinated in my mind.