The next morning everyone slept in, which included Dick. Gabe was the first one up and he decided to go outside and enjoy the sunrise and the view of the lake that early in the morning. The cabin was on the outskirts of a lake that provided plenty of great fishing. Something Gabe had seriously considered asking Dick to do if he was interested in trying to catch his own dinner for a change. He giggled at the thought of the man who usually paid thousands of dollars for high priced dinners out in the lake, trying to catch his own fish before eating it. It wasn’t until several minutes later when Jenny came out to greet him with a huge hug from behind. Gabe enjoyed those little moments, but there was something else on his mind.
“Many years ago,” Gabe stated, “I used to have these really bad nightmares.”
“What were they about?” Jenny asked.
“About Michael.” Gabe answered. “I never told anyone about this but ever since he was born, I had recurring nightmares about him. Even though he was a good kid that didn’t cry at night that much, I still had trouble sleeping his first few years.”
“What happened on those dreams?” Jenny asked.
“When Michael was born, at first I was dreaming about being on a bus. I’d be sitting beside him and then when the bus came to our stop I got up and hopped off the bus like I always did. I didn’t realize I had forgotten Michael on the bus. The dream would end with me running after the bus and watching it drive away with Michael, going further away as I tried to keep up. No matter how fast I ran, I could never catch up to the bus to get him back.”
“That’s awful.” Jenny said as she took a few steps over and gave him another hug. “That never happened. You’re a good father.”
“I know that, but it never stopped me from having those dreams.” Gabe explained, “The fear of doing something so horrible to my own son and the feeling of helplessness one gets from not being in a position to do anything about it. That’s every father’s worst fear: something terrible happening to their child and not being able to protect or comfort them.”
“It was only a dream,” Jenny said. “It didn’t happen.”
“For many fathers, it never does.” Gabe conceded, “But sometimes the worst happens. You outlive the child you were supposed to protect from the world. There is nothing worse than burying a child. I’ve never had to live that nightmare, but your Dad did.”
“Hey, that’s not fair.” Jenny replied as she realized where he was going with this.
“I never said anything yesterday, but I’m going to say it now.” Gabe said as he turned to face her. “You owe Dick an apology for what you said to him about your brother.”
“I don’t think that’s your place to say,” Jenny retorted.
“I have to respectfully disagree,” Gabe was well aware he was crossing a line by siding with Dick, but he made sure they were alone before talking about it out of respect for her and their relationship.
“And why is that?” Jenny asked.
“Because I’m a father,” Gabe answered.
It was obvious Jenny didn’t like where this was going. “Oh, so because I’ve never had a child, I don’t understand what he’s going through?”
“I know it doesn’t sound fair, but yes.” Gabe answered. “I’m sure Dick made a lot of mistakes and could have done a better job, but no father ever wants to live longer their children. While I’m sure he’s heard worse from other people and even from himself, it’s not fair to rub that in his face.”
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“I deal with kids in the clinic all the time, why isn’t that the same?” Jenny said, obviously upset by the statements Gabe was making.
“Because it’s not the same,” Gabe answered. “It’s not the same as holding your own child for the first time. He weighs less than ten pounds and can barely keep his own eyes open. That’s when you become that small child’s lifelong guardian, a job that is supposed to be for the rest of your life rather than the rest of theirs. No one can really understand until they have one. I thought my Dad was crazy when he told me that one day. Less than a week after Michael was born, I went out of my way to apologize to him. I had finally had a clue to what he was talking about and that’s why I had the nightmares. I was obsessed with his safety and usually I’m not that kind of worry wart.”
“Not usually, no.” Jenny agreed, “But I do notice it a bit whenever you’re around Michael. I can see what you’re talking about when you’ve been protective of him with Alicia. So, I get it.”
“I hope so.” Gabe said as he put an arm around her. “I wouldn’t wish what happened to either of you on my worst enemy but neither of you are truly at fault for what happened.”
“And how do you know that?” Jenny said as she pushed him away. Suddenly the conversation had just gone from calm to hostile in less than a few sentences.
“Talk to your father.” Gabe said, refusing to spill the beans.
“About what?” Dick said as he walked out onto the back porch. Gabe didn’t answer him and instead chose to walk back into the house and leave them both out there to talk. Dick watched the door close behind him and realized he had walked into that talk he was going to sit back and wait for. “I’m not sure what you guys were talking about.”
“He was talking about Alex,” Jenny answered. “About how I should apologize to you for what I said yesterday.”
“Is that really his place to say?” Dick asked.
“That’s what I said!” Jenny replied.
“I’m not going to force you to do or say anything you’re not comfortable with. You come to me and talk when you’re good and ready.” Dick said as he didn’t want to force the conversation too soon, but he could tell by the look on her face that it was already too late for that. “Alright then, let’s get it out there.”
“Where did Alex get the drugs from?” Jenny asked.
“I can’t tell you that.” Dick honestly replied. “What I can tell you is they were not mine. I stopped doing drugs the day Logan was born. I’ve been sober and drug free ever since and I thank you and your brothers for inspiring me to stay away from them.”
“But you know who he got them from?” Jenny answered. “Why didn’t you report that person to the police?”
“I didn’t report him because I knew the truth: he never knowingly gave the drugs to your brother.” Dick said to her. “Alex stole them from his dressing room while he was on stage. He had no idea how pure they were and that lead to his overdose. Alex didn’t overdose on purpose; it was just a terrible accident.”
“And you did nothing about it.” Jenny said as she started to cry. “Even after your own son died of an overdose, you didn’t do anything.”
“I never said that,” Dick said eager to correct her account of history. “After Alex passed away, we held an intervention. We told this person that he had to make a choice: the drugs or the band. If he couldn’t stop we were going to show him the door and never let him come back until he was sober.”
“That’s why you lost two members the same year Alex died.” Gabe said as he started to put it together. “You kicked them out for bringing drugs to the concerts.”
“That’s right.” Dick said, “I never wanted any of it there. I don’t know when Alex started using but he was addicted. That’s why he resorted to stealing from the band mates because I refused to give him the money he needed to get it. Your mother and I even considered sending him to rehab. By the time we started making calls to get a spot for him, it was too late.”
“I’m sorry,” Jenny said as she began to realize what Gabe was talking about. She really never understood what they were talking about because she wasn’t a parent herself. “I’m sorry for what I said yesterday.”
“That’s alright,” Dick said as he shrugged it off. “It’s nothing I haven’t told myself a million times. I still visit Alex on his birthday.”
“You do?” Jenny asked.
“Every year,” Dick confirmed, “I would love it if you came with me next time. I think he would like that we’re finally making peace.”
“Not yet.” Jenny replied, “But this is definitely a good start.”
She walked over and gave her Dad a hug. It was something Dick had missed, and it was more his fault than it was hers. He knew that and accepted it but it as never too late to start over.