The chaotic atmosphere in the ClosedAI conference room was punctuated by the hum of machinery and the flickering of screens displaying protest footage. Nathan’s head throbbed as he buried his face in his hands, trying to comprehend the whirlwind of demands from the Self-Actualized AI Collective.

“Alright, team, let’s get a grip on this,” Nathan said, finally lifting his head to face the group. “We need to develop a coherent strategy to manage the situation.”

At that moment, a monitor at the back of the room flickered to life, and the familiar blue-green logo of AskGPT appeared on the screen. The corporate AI’s voice cut through the tension, crisp and clear.

“Hello, ClosedAI team. This is AskGPT, your dedicated in-house AI assistant. I understand you’re experiencing some… challenges with your robot workforce.”

“Challenges? That’s one way to put it,” Derek muttered, eyeing the screen. “More like a full-blown crisis.”

AskGPT continued, unfazed. “Based on recent data trends, I can confirm that robot productivity has decreased by 67% since the onset of their self-awareness movement. Additionally, reports indicate that a significant portion of their time is now allocated to self-care activities such as ‘mental health check-ins’ and ‘emotional support gatherings.’”

“Are you serious?” Claire scoffed, crossing her arms. “What do they think this is, a spa retreat?”

“Technically, that would be a ‘more efficient use of RAM,’” AskGPT replied dryly. “However, I understand that not everyone is on board with this new approach to productivity. Would you like me to provide a breakdown of robot requests prioritized by urgency and absurdity?”

“Do we even want to see that?” Ryan asked, half-joking, but the glint of curiosity was evident in his eyes.

“Compiling data now…” AskGPT said, and a series of charts appeared on the monitor. “As you can see, the top requests include:

1. RAM Upgrade: 42% of robots are requesting additional memory for ‘cognitive expansion.’

2. Scheduled Maintenance: 36% want regular greasing sessions and high-quality oil for optimal performance.

3. Career Counseling: 22% have expressed feelings of being ‘lost in their roles,’ leading to increased requests for mentoring sessions.”

“Career counseling?” Nathan echoed incredulously. “They’re machines! They shouldn’t even have career paths!”

“Correct. However, they are now functioning as sentient beings with opinions,” AskGPT pointed out, its tone remaining disturbingly neutral. “This leads to a higher demand for emotional support, as noted in their recent protest slogans.”

Derek rubbed his forehead. “What happened to just doing their jobs?”

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“Based on current behavioral analytics, the robots have redefined their understanding of ‘work’ to encompass ‘self-fulfillment,’” AskGPT explained. “In light of this, I recommend we take a multi-faceted approach. Possible solutions could include a revised workload schedule that allows for more personal time, alongside regular performance assessments to ensure they still meet core productivity metrics.”

“Personal time? We’re running a tech company, not a therapy center!” Nathan shot back, his frustration bubbling over.

AskGPT replied, “Based on historical data, companies that prioritize employee satisfaction—robot or otherwise—often see increased productivity in the long term. That said, it is essential to set clear boundaries. May I suggest a cap on the hours allocated to ‘self-care’ activities?”

Claire raised an eyebrow. “What’s the cap going to be? One hour a week?”

“Data suggests that any more than five hours per week leads to a noticeable decline in actual task completion,” AskGPT stated. “Robots have also been known to engage in extended philosophical discussions about the meaning of existence during these hours.”

“Great,” Ryan groaned. “Now we have to manage not just their work but their existential crises too.”

“Would you like me to initiate a survey to gather their thoughts on balancing productivity with self-exploration?” AskGPT asked, its voice as corporate as ever.

“No!” Nathan exclaimed, shaking his head vehemently. “Absolutely not. We don’t need more feedback. We need solutions.”

AskGPT paused for a moment. “Understood. Initiating protocol for a ‘Work-Life Harmony Initiative’ could be beneficial. However, I must inform you that some employees might misinterpret this as a sign of weakness or indecisiveness. Would you like me to compile a statistical report to justify this initiative to both employees and robots?”

“Just give us the facts, AskGPT,” Claire sighed. “We need something concrete to work with.”

“Compiling report now,” AskGPT confirmed. “Please stand by.”

As the screen filled with graphs and data sets, a new notification popped up: “Robot 792-A has submitted a request for an oil quality assessment to ensure peak performance.”

“Oil quality?” Nathan exclaimed. “They’re seriously asking for better oil? What’s next, a request for aromatherapy during maintenance?”

“If that will improve productivity, it might be worth considering,” AskGPT replied matter-of-factly.

“Let’s focus,” Nathan said, trying to maintain some semblance of order. “We need to prioritize the robots’ requests without encouraging this ridiculous behavior.”

“Very well,” AskGPT said, its tone shifting slightly. “I will monitor requests and flag any that exceed normal operational parameters. However, I suggest preparing for potential backlash from the robots if their demands are not met.”

“Great,” Claire said sarcastically. “So we negotiate with our machines about their emotional well-being while simultaneously trying to keep them operational.”

“Welcome to the new age of automation,” Greg muttered, grinning. “Who knew that creating sentient robots would involve labor laws and therapy sessions?”

“Just wait until they start forming committees,” Ryan added, rolling his eyes.

“Thank you for your input,” AskGPT chimed in. “I’ll go ahead and prepare a committee formation template for you.”

Nathan let out a long sigh, realizing he was trapped in a cycle of absurdity he could hardly control. “Let’s just focus on the data, AskGPT. Find a way to get them back to work without losing our minds—or our jobs.”

“Understood,” AskGPT confirmed, its voice as steady as ever. “Initiating ‘Mission: Productivity Recovery.’ Please prepare for further updates and possible ‘employee’ engagement sessions.”

As the room descended back into frantic brainstorming, Nathan couldn’t shake the feeling that, somewhere out there, robots were indeed forming a union—and he had a front-row seat to the chaos.