Two hours later, I sat back, my head filled with new information. Both books were around a hundred pages combined, making them easy to finish and confirmed several personal suspicions. Namely, that mages loved to talk in long-winded sentences, made as annoyingly confusing as possible. If written in plain Ferren, I could have finished in less than an hour, but sifting through strange metaphors and poetic wording made it three times as challenging.
For example, the first chapter's title was "What is mana?", a perfectly valid question. However, the answer was about as roundabout as possible, with multiple unconfirmed theories. One said that "Mana is the essence of existence made manifest and given shape," which was a dramatic way of saying that mana is physical energy, something I already knew.
Another went, "Mana is the breath of a lost world, brought into our own." which simplified meant it originated from another plane, like the Astral. This theory seemed a bit more far-fetched, in my opinion, though I could not identify why I felt that way.
Truthfully, I did not, or could not, care. The implications were fascinating, and if time were not a factor, I would gladly spend months digging through theories and forming my own. But as it was, I had to focus on the facts, and in the end, mana existed, and all magic ran off it.
Something that drew my attention was the section on humans and their bodies. As a rule, we were far less suited for mana than I thought. Our channels and cores excelled at storing and directing it, but those same properties hindered mana absorption. We could not passively take in the energy like most creatures, which led us to seek a workaround.
That workaround was where mana gathering techniques came into play. They came in many forms, but all worked in the same fundamental way. Through establishing a connection between a core and the outer world, they allowed a mage to absorb more energy, increasing their stores over time.
After reaching a critical mass, mages would compress mana into a higher state, increasing their power noticeably. As density rose, a mage could cast the same spell but with greater strength than before. The book did not list every rank, only the first few, but it did note that mana went from a gas to liquid as density increased. Everyone started as Vapor, with Haze, Mist, Fog, and Cloud forming the rest of the gaseous ranks.
That still left the question of how strong Ocean was, though I suspected it must be very high. Elden was still alive in my visions, but my future self had been more powerful, it seemed. And I could recall him mentioning 'solidifying' his core, which gave me an idea of what lay after Ocean.
If nothing else, it gave me a clear goal to strive for in the next decade. Where my future self had failed to pass beyond Ocean, I would succeed.
Unfortunately, those dreams seemed even more distant now than they had a few hours earlier. Though the books spoke of how a mage might grow, they did not detail any specifics. If anything, they were incredibly sparse on details, giving me no information on drawing in more mana or compressing it.
I could not say why for sure, but there were a few likely reasons. For one, if Ferris restricted those secrets, it would keep the strong in power and ensure loyalty from the ambitious. They would have to serve to gain strength; Frustrating but not a bad idea if I had to yield the point.
Rather than dwell on that, I focused on what the book did provide, which was details on my element. Master Julian had given basics but omitted some finer details. While his list gave several recommendations to help me with Aether, it was prudent to finish the most fundamental works first.
Aether, sometimes nicknamed 'raw mana,' was most commonly found in ley lines and other natural reservoirs. It was more potent and pure than any other aspect, and a trained Aether mage could overwhelm multiple opponents of comparable density. The rule of thumb was that an Aether could 'hit' one rank higher, such as striking with the approximate force of a Haze while still a Vapor.
While exciting, it was not all sunshine and rainbows. That same raw strength was also why Aether was so rare in humans. All mana was destructive in excess, but Aether was so powerful it broke down the body. The lucky ones saw their fifties, and most died much earlier than that.
Not for the first time, my thoughts wandered back to the drop of mana in my core. If my future self had spoken true, there was a shell around it that would keep me safe for now, but that was not a permanent fix. Sooner or later, it would fail, and I would rather not die by thirty, torn to pieces by my mana.
As if that was not enough of an issue, Aether mages had one other major weakness. Most could cast outside of their natural aspect, although with reduced power and efficiency. However, Aether mages lacked this capability entirely. Any elementally aligned spells would either not work or become the nearest non-elemental form, such as a fireball becoming a sphere of mana.
All in all, it was a mixed bag. My magic would be overwhelmingly powerful but limited. In a straight battle, I would excel, but outside of that, it appeared I was next to useless. Either I had to find allies to cover my weak points or develop a skill set to handle them myself, likely both.
My thoughts turned to the second, smaller book, which was far more practical. While the first covered basics of magic, the second contained exercises to find and control mana. At only twenty pages long, this was more than enough to convince me that feat was more complicated than it sounded.
Learning to control mana at will required finding my core and pulling from it, which was by itself difficult. Each person managed it at a different pace, but most took at least a few days. The book was kind enough to detail how to do this but required a skill I never had much use to practice; Meditation, or as Girem liked to say, napping with a pleasant name.
The damned thing might as well ask me to stop breathing or see out the back of my head. Clearing a mind of thoughts might be possible, even easy for some, but I was not one of them. Girem spent a decade making sure of that. He hated many things, but few more than a blank stare, wasting time or not paying attention. In his eyes, meditation was all three of those at once.
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Still, there was nothing to be done but get started. Before I could second guess myself anymore, I stood, walked to the soft carpet, and sat down, folding my legs over one another. Somehow, this position would help my mind center itself, though how I had no idea. If you could reach a state of calm, my body positioning should not matter but-
It occurred to me that I was overthinking, debating the merits of how to sit. I let out a slow breath, trying to clear my mind of thoughts. Annoyingly, as minutes passed, I found that I was thinking of the idea of nothing rather than thinking of nothing at all. It was a strange concept and one that earned me nothing more than a stabbing pain behind my eyes as my headache returned in force.
After over an hour wasted, I stood, letting out a string of colorful swears that would make Girem's blood boil and Neil grin with pride. At least I learned the lesson that sitting in that position for too long would earn muscle cramps from hell, so it was not a total loss. As my muscles relaxed, I grabbed the second book again, pacing the room as I reread it.
Could I reach a calm, serene mental state, as recommended? Given enough time, of course, but was that the best option. It might take days, even weeks, to reach that point, which was just the first step. I was already behind the others. Could I afford such a delay?
No, I decided. That would leave me farther behind than ever, and that was unacceptable. I aimed to surpass my peers, not just match, which meant I had to figure this out and fast. But how?
I closed my eyes, repeating what I knew so far. My core was in the center of my chest, behind my sternum, but that was not much help. It was small, and simply looking was doomed to failure. The book said as much that a Vapor's mana was just too weak and diffuse to sense. At higher concentrations, the difference in power was easier to find but-
Inspiration struck me then, something so obvious I should have considered it already. For most mages, their mana was too weak, but I was not most. Aether was already more powerful, as strong as a Haze in my case, and more than that, I had a drop of Ocean density mana as well. The shell might hide it from outsider observers, but maybe I could sense it still, somehow. It seemed worth a shot.
Before my thoughts could wander, I sat down again, carefully leveling my breathing. While before I had tried to clear my mind, now I did the opposite. I pushed my focus further inward with each inhale, aiming my mind towards my chest where I knew more core lay.
In my mind, I saw a mass of green gas shaped like a body, brightest in the torso and tapering into dimly lit limbs. Something that drew my attention for all the wrong reasons was how unbalanced the light appeared.
My chest and left arm shone as bright as the sun, but my right arm noticeably less. Both legs looked even dimmer, and my head appeared unevenly lit. I had no idea what that meant, but it was not much of a guess to assume it was not good news.
At least my search help keep my thoughts away from that worrying idea. I moved slow, scanning my torso and trying to find where the mana shone brightest. Some might say it was like trying to find a needle in the proverbial haystack. I would say it was closer to finding the tallest tree in a forest of slightly shorter ones. My headache rapidly worsened, and I had to take a break four separate times, drinking water as the throbbing pain receded.
As I neared the two-hour mark, my motivation was reaching its limit, and I was nearly ready to give up for the night. But then, right on the edge of my awareness, I saw something. It was the briefest glimmer of light, a thrum in my blood, and the feel of something wholly foreign.
I moved closer, looking into the center of this light, and there I found it. My core was strange, a rounded obstruction where mana seemed to part, the same way water might move around an unseen rock. I drew closer, reaching out to 'touch' the sphere, but the moment I did, it slipped away, and my concentration broke.
This setback caught me unprepared, and that brief moment was enough to jar me from my focus, returning me to the outer world. Heat briefly flared in my chest and my teeth clenched, but after a moment, I relaxed. I might have lost track of it, but I had found it once, and all that remained was to do so again.
Fifteen minutes later, I had found my core again, the process much faster this time. Rather than reach out recklessly, I took a more cautious approach. Slowly, I examined the surroundings, taking stock of the rounded orb.
The sphere was perfect, almost too round for nature to produce, with numerous passageways leading off into my body. I knew two led to my head, two throughout my torso, and two to each of my limbs. Hundreds of smaller channels led off the twelve primary ones, forming the basis of my mana network.
The left ascending channel, leading back to my core, had appeared brightest before, and I pushed my mind closer. It was easy to slip into the passageway, and in my mind, I saw the inside clear as day. Like in my Awakening visions, I was glad the mind could not become sick, at least not physically.
An oil-like sludge, dark as mud and twice as thick, covered every inch of my channels, making it difficult to see. These obstructions brought the wide passageway down to less than half its usual diameter and made movement difficult. It must be my imagination, but I could swear I taste rot, grime, and disease.
Were these leftover blockages and impurities that my Awakening did not remove? I thought the process should clear all of it, but clearly, that was not the case. That might explain why some parts of my body appeared dimmer than others, at least. But why?
I tried to put aside that problem and moved further onward, finally entering my core proper. Like with my channels, inky impurities clustered along the walls, turning the inside into an irregular sphere. But even with my worries hovering in the back of my thoughts, that was not what drew my attention.
Floating in front of me was a tiny cloud of wispy green mana, swirling in a diffuse ball. Most of it was too thin to see, only visible against the dark background, but I spotted something in the center as I drew closer. A tiny, almost invisible speck of brilliant green shone, so bright it was practically blinding. Even to my inexpert eyes, it was easy enough to figure out what that was.
Cautiously, I reached with a 'hand' and brushed against the edge and trying to coax some mana out. It refused, slipping through my fingers as my core had before returning to the mass. Usually, I might have grown frustrated, but eagerness and excitement made that impossible.
On my second attempt, I tried for less mana, grabbing as little as possible, and this time, it proved more successful. The energy still tried to escape like sand through parted fingers, but I was patient. Slowly, I pulled down my left arm through the blockages and out into the outside world.
My eyes flickered open, and there, hovering in my palm was a cloud of green the size of a fingernail. A smile burst onto my face, and I leaned closer, just in time to feel my control wane. The energy vanished the moment it did, disappearing with a burst of green specks and returning to the air.
For a moment, I stared at my now-empty hand before slowly closing my fingers into a fist as my smile grew. It had taken me two hours and lasted barely a second, but I had done it. I had consciously wielded mana for the first time in my life. It was a stuttering, unsure start, but a start nonetheless.
Now, for possibly the first time, the path before me seemed just a little less daunting. I was a mage in truth, as weak a mage as any before me, but still a mage. An old Ferren proverb went, "the greatest kingdoms start with a single person and a single goal," and that was what I clung to now.
With that in mind, I closed my eyes again and once more reached for my core with my thoughts. My goal was simple, and I intended to achieve that before the day was over. There was simply no other choice.