The next morning after breakfast, Emilia and Puck retreated to the library to do research on human/demi-human relations and think about ways to improve them. Subaru went looking for Beatrice. He searched the manor until he found her library and entered to find Beatrice sitting on her stool staring at an enormous black book nearly as big as she was.
When Beatrice saw Subaru she immediately put the book down and put other books on top of it as if she was trying to hide it in the least subtle way imaginable.
“And what are you doing here? Come to bother Betty again, I suppose?”
“It’s one of my favorite pastimes,” Subaru agreed. He looked at Beatrice closely. She seemed tired and on edge this morning. Subaru guessed that she had spent most of the night thinking and whatever conclusions she had drawn were not to her liking.
Well, that could be a bad thing or a good thing. Her original worldview wasn’t working for her. If she’s accepting the need to change it, that would definitely be painful but it would be better for her in the long run, Subaru thought.
Subaru had actually come to talk to Beatrice more about ‘that person’ and Beatrice’s quest but upon looking at her weary and drawn face he changed his mind. “I was going to go and try to do some more work on that sewing machine. I was wondering if I could persuade you to come along. Yesterday you pointed out a flaw that would have taken me all day to notice.”
Subaru considered suggesting that they could talk more about the search for ‘that person’ then held his tongue. If Beatrice wanted to talk about it, she would bring it up.
“Hm. So you want Betty to help you, I suppose?” Beatrice sniffed.
Subaru sensed that he was on dangerous ground. “If you’re willing to, yes,” He said carefully.
“For centuries, people have come to the Great Library seeking to use the Great Spirit Beatrice!” She informed him.
Uh-Oh. “I am not trying to use you, Beako. I just asked if you would be willing to help me,” Subaru said.
Beatrice didn’t answer.
Subaru stepped over to the futon and eased himself down on it. “Do people often come here trying to… take advantage of your generosity?” Subaru asked.
Beatrice snorted. “People are always coming here to try and use Betty, I suppose. Betty is a Great Spirit! The guardian of Mother’s vast knowledge. Everyone wants something from Betty!”
Subaru waited a moment. “And what does Betty want?” Subaru murmured.
Beatrice looked at Subaru with fire in her eyes. Subaru tensed, preparing to activate Indomitable in case Beatrice really lost it.
“Betty wants to finish this! Betty wants to complete her contract with Mother and be done with this!” Beatrice shouted.
“And find ‘that person,’” Subaru nodded.
“Where are they?!” Beatrice screamed, “Why did they leave Betty alone all this time?! Why did Betty deserve to be trapped here for so long? Betty wasn’t worth remembering, I suppose!”
Subaru hesitated. “Beatrice is absolutely worth remembering and she certainly didn’t deserve to be trapped here. Something in your mother’s plan must have gone wrong,” Subaru said simply. “So now it falls to us to fix it, doesn’t it?”
Beatrice glared at Subaru in silence. “You think that you are worthy to ‘fix’ mother’s plan, I suppose? You think that you can do what Betty can’t, I suppose?”
Subaru phrased his answer carefully. “I’m not saying either of those things. I’m saying that two people can often do what one person can’t do alone. You’ve tried to fix it alone for centuries without success and dozens, maybe hundreds, of people have come into this library to ask for your help. I want to help you.”
Beatrice looked away and stuck her nose in the air. “And you think that you’re the first, I suppose?” She snapped.
“What do you mean?” Subaru murmured.
“Many have come into Mother’s library with tears in their eyes: Offering to help, offering to save Betty in fact! Promising that they can make everything better, that they can cure Betty’s loneliness!”
Subaru looked at the great spirit who held unshed tears in her eyes. “And how does that make you feel?”
“Feel? It makes me angry, in fact! Mortals think they can even imagine four hundred years of waiting, of loneliness?! Waiting for ‘that person’ to come?!”
Oh boy. Note to self: I need to be a lot nicer to Puck and a whole lot more considerate of his feelings about me and his daughter. If I’d been all alone for four hundred years or so, I’d be pretty scared of being left alone again too.
“They think that they can wash away Betty’s misery and despair by holding her hand and patting her head, I suppose! They think that all Betty needs is a friend, in fact!” Beatrice shrieked, tears streaming down her face.
Subaru waited a moment. “None of them understand how you feel,” He encouraged.
Beatrice whirled on him and pointed at Subaru as if casting a curse. “Neither do you, in fact!” Beatrice spat.
Subaru nodded. “You’re right. I don’t know how you feel. How could I? I’m eighteen. You’ve seen a hundred and eighty; twice over. I have absolutely no idea what that’s like. I just know that you’re in pain and you shouldn’t be.”
Beatrice panted for breath, staring at Subaru.
“That’s why we’re going to find ‘that person,’ right?” He asked.
Beatrice bit her lip. “Subaru, will you-”
“Betty, are you alright?” Puck said from behind Subaru.
Subaru turned around and saw Emilia and Puck standing in the doorway.
“We came to investigate, we heard yelling,” Emilia said almost apologetically.
“Everything is OK,” Subaru replied. “Right, Beatrice?”
Beatrice didn’t answer.
Subaru left the library after Beatrice pulled out another book and sat there pretending to read it. He waited a few minutes before concluding that his presence was no longer welcome and went down to his workshop to keep working on the machine.
The machine was almost complete actually. However there was one component left to build and Subaru was struggling to remember it.
Mom’s sewing machine had a gear underneath the needle. A weirdly shaped gear that… tied the stitches together somehow. Fuck I don’t remember what it looked like, much less how it worked.
Actually maybe this is a good thing. It might suggest that there’s a limit to Reason and Judgment’s influence on my mind, although not being able to get this machine working might cripple our election chances. Maybe I can figure it out from first principles? Why don’t I try to work it out without using Reason and Judgment? I did some sewing when I was younger, how would I make a good stitch using gears?
After two hours of brooding on the topic Subaru had gotten absolutely nowhere.
OK, fine. I’m not that smart. I don’t know how to do these things. Asking Beatrice if she has any ideas might be an option but I don’t think Beatrice wants to talk to me right now. Besides if I need to ask for her help on the sewing machine that will only undercut my argument later when I claim that I just want to help Beatrice. It’ll just solidify her suspicions that I’m trying to use her. Yeah, so it would be bad if I asked her for help.
So where does that leave me? Am I just going to give up? No, I can’t do that. Emilia and Red are both convinced I can do this. I don’t want to disappoint them.
Well… that only leaves me one option then, doesn’t it? I need to use Reason and Judgment. I mean, there’s really no other choice, right? I know that I decided to limit my uses of it but… things happen, you know? I know it might be affecting me in a negative way but I haven’t really noticed any major changes so far, right? Besides everyone is depending on me, I can’t just let them down. I can handle Reason and Judgment. I’m only speculating that it has any adverse effects on me anyway.
Subaru triggered Reason and Judgment and the world froze around him. Subaru cast his mind back to his mother’s broken sewing machine from years and years ago. As if he had commanded it, an image of the opened machine appeared directly in front of him, the image of the machine clear and picture perfect. Strangely the remainder of the memory looked… fuzzy. Subaru had never seen Reason and Judgment display a memory in low resolution before. The sewing machine was crystal clear but the room in Subaru’s house and the figures of his much younger parents, were both so low resolution and pixelated that if you didn’t know what you were looking at, you could never have guessed.
This seemed strange but Subaru decided it had no real relevance to what he was here to accomplish.
Subaru stared at the strange gear beneath the sewing needle.
Huh. The gear is shaped kind of like a fishing hook so it… Oh! So that’s how it works! It actually wraps the other thread around the first one. Quite clever. That should be easy enough to draw for Puck to reproduce. Why did you ever think this was hard?
You need to start using Reason and Judgment more regularly. Why did you even try to stop using it in the first place? To prove a point?
You wasted several hours trying to do something that could have been done in minutes. If it was only you being affected by the inefficiency, then it would be easy to stop using Reason and Judgment. You’re certainly not dependent on it. But you have people who do depend on you and you can’t let them down by being at less than a hundred percent. There’s no choice but to keep using Reason and Judgment. It’s the only option. You can always quit using it later if you sense it’s starting to affect you.
Subaru restarted time and whistled to himself as he drew the detailed pictures of the remaining gears.
Reinhard and Felt came to find Subaru shortly after that.
“My friend, Felt and I were thinking of returning to the capitol for the day. Felt wishes to check on Master Rom,” Reinhard said.
“Sounds like a plan,” Subaru agreed. “While you’re down there would you mind running a few errands for me?”
“Of course,” Reinhard said.
Subaru rattled off a few items and handed Reinhard a bag of gold.
“If you encounter any expenses on the trip, just take them out of the bag. Also while you’re in town can you pick up some paper and writing utensils for Felt so she’s ready to start doing research on the slum dwellers for us? Oh, and come to think of it,” Subaru reached into his pocket and handed Felt a gold coin.
“What’s this for?” She asked.
“It’s your first week’s pay. I know you’re not supposed to get paid until the end of the week but there’s not much to buy out here and you might see something in town that you want, so consider it an advance,” Subaru explained.
“Yeah but I haven’t actually done anything for you yet,” Felt pointed out.
Subaru shrugged. “Hey, you’ve been here ready, willing, and able to work. The fact that I’m not ready for you to work yet is my problem not yours. You’re still going to get compensated for your time.”
Felt mulled that over for a moment. “Well, why don’t I just get started today then? I’m not afraid of staying in town, I can take care of myself without Red-”
“No,” Subaru said flatly before Reinhard could open his mouth.
Felt looked offended, almost mutinous.
“I don’t want to tip our hand to our rivals before we’re ready,” Subaru added in a soothing tone. “If they figure out that we plan to empty the slums before we announce it, they might try to steal our thunder at the selection. Losing a few days won’t matter too much in the long run.”
“I’d also like you two to do some research on our rivals while you’re in town,” Subaru continued before Felt could respond. “If we can figure out who the other competitors are, we’ll be able to make better strategies.”
“That ought to be easy. People are bound to be talking about it,” Felt said. “We’ll just ask Gramps. He’s definitely heard about it from his customers.”
Subaru coughed. “Um, one last thing. This is a delicate… personal matter that I need to ask you about and I’d prefer if it stayed between us.”
“Of course. You have my word of honor that I won’t breath a word of this matter, both as a knight of the realm and as your friend,” Reinhard declared.
Felt looked at Reinhard and raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, what he said,” Felt sighed, folding her arms.
Subaru sighed. “Emilia and I are getting closer and… there are certain things that we need to be responsible for which… Emilia is unfamiliar with and me being a stranger to this lands… I’m not certain what our options actually are.”
“I’m not sure that I follow,” Reinhard admitted.
Subaru groped for an easy explanation. “Emilia and I are engaged and… things may happen so… we need to-”
“Avoid becoming parents?” Felt asked brightly.
Subaru sighed. “Essentially. I was trying to find out what the options were for that in Lagunica because neither of us know.”
Reinhard’s face was the same color as his hair.
Felt laughed. “Don’t sweat it, Subaru! Most women in town take a nostrum to avoid unexpected pregnancies. Alchemists mix it up and it’s not that expensive. I’ll grab Emilia a few months supply.”
“Is this nostrum safe for elves or just humans?” Subaru asked.
Felt shrugged. “It can’t be too bad. All the demi-human whores I know take it.”
“…OK then,” Subaru said awkwardly, “Get the gold you need from the bag.”
“A three month supply should be only about five silvers anyway,” Felt shrugged.
“And while you’re talking to Rom, ask him if he would consider doing some jobs for me,” Subaru said.
“Like what?” Felt asked.
“I don’t know what but let’s try to think of something he can do! Honestly, I’d like to just give him some gold so he could live a little more comfortably than squatting in the slums but I know he’d balk at that,” Subaru replied.
“Yup, that’s Gramps,” Felt nodded. “Pretty sure I’m going to find a full bag of gold when I go back, even though I told him to start spending it.”
“Show him your pay. If he sees you’re making good money regularly, he might be more comfortable accepting money from you,” Subaru suggested.
“Huh. Good idea,” Felt replied.
“Red, is there any risk to you being back in town? If Heikel comes looking for you for instance?” Subaru asked.
Reinhard thought about it. “I don’t believe so. Father would face considerable scrutiny from the Sages’ council if he took away your and Lady Emilia’s only knight after the recent council meeting.”
“Good to know, but I was actually worried if he could do anything to make your life more difficult,” Subaru replied.
Reinhard glanced away. “I doubt that he could make my life more difficult than he has already done.”
Subaru waited a moment to see if Reinhard would continue and then nodded. “Alright then. Red, while you’re in town remember to keep an eye on Felt. I don’t want anyone thinking they can attack her.”
Reinhard nodded while Felt folded her arms and scowled in annoyance.
“Felt, make sure you keep an eye on Red. I don’t want Heikel or anyone else misleading him or trying to trick him into a trap,” Subaru finished.
Felt rolled her eyes at Subaru. “Was that supposed to be a joke?”
“No, it wasn’t a joke, you bonehead!” Subaru snorted. “Felt, do you really think I’m trying to recruit you onto my team as an act of charity? You’re one of the brightest people I’ve met on this planet and that is supremely valuable. Red is an invincible warrior and you are a master strategist and planner, or you will be once you finish developing your talents. You two form a perfect team and I want you to start thinking of yourselves that way.”
Felt looked shocked then her expression turned thoughtful.
“But before you guys take off, there is one thing I’d like you to help me with,” Subaru said.
Subaru, Rem, and Reinhard carried the sewing machine desk toward Petra’s house.
Felt had gone ahead to explain the situation to Petra and her Mom.
When Rem and Reinhard carried the awkward desk through the narrow door, Subaru let go and gave up. He knew he wasn’t helping much anyway but his ego required that he at least act like he was contributing.
As Subaru walked into the cottage after Rem and Reinhard set the machine down, he noticed that Petra seemed to be less uncomfortable around him. He assumed that the strange machine was occupying most of her attention.
“Hello, Mrs. Leyte,” Subaru greeted her.
“My lord, what is… that?” She asked.
“That is an invention I have recently created. I think that it will make the lives of seamstresses across the kingdom less difficult while also increasing their productivity,” He explained. “I was hoping that you’d be willing to test it for me.”
The seamstress seemed uncertain. “I would be happy to help you, Lord Subaru, but I’m not sure what you want me to do.”
“Petra, could you hand me that cloth scrap please?” Subaru said, pulling a chair up to the desk.
Petra gave him the scrap and he used the sewing machines to quickly lay down a line of fine stitches along a scrap as long as his arm. He then cut the thread and handed the scrap to Petra.
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Mrs. Leyte stared at the scrap in shock. “Putting down this many stitches would have taken me half an hour! And they’re so small!”
“I thought it could save you some work. Do you think you’d be willing to use it for a few weeks and give me your feedback?” Subaru said, standing up.
Subaru had spent close to an hour giving Petra and Mrs. Leyte lessons on using the machine. Petra in particular seemed to be very excited about her new toy.
Reinhard, Subaru, Felt, and Rem were walking back to the carriage.
“Well, I feel like I accomplished something today,” Subaru said.
“Do you really think you can make enough of those to change the sewing industry?” Felt asked. “I feel like that’s the second most common job in the kingdom, right after farming.”
“It’s just a prototype,” Subaru shrugged. “We need to see if those two can actually make use of it. We also need to start thinking about the cost to reproduce it without Puck doing all the work with magic.”
“Well, we should take you and Miss Rem back to the manor before we head to the capitol,” Reinhard suggested.
Subaru squinted at the sun. “Rem, do you mind walking home?”
Rem shook her head silently.
“It’s already almost lunch time and the capitol is not a short trip,” Subaru said. “Why don’t you guys just go, we can walk back.”
“Are you sure?” Reinhard asked.
“I’m sure we’ll manage,” Subaru shrugged. “Make sure you look after each other!” He called as Reinhard and Felt climbed into the carriage.
“Got it!” Felt called back as the carriage rolled away.
Subaru and Rem walked in silence. Subaru was waiting for Rem to talk but it seemed that wasn’t going to happen.
“So, Rem, I feel like we really haven’t talked much lately,” Subaru drawled.
Rem didn’t answer. She kept walking with her head down.
Subaru coughed. “So… is this ‘I don’t feel like talking to you, Subaru’ quiet or ‘I’m still convinced you’re a Witch Cultist, Subaru’ quiet?”
Rem stopped in her tracks, her head bowed.
Subaru waited a long moment.
“I know that you’re not a Witch Cultist, Lord Subaru.” She whispered.
“Hey, that’s great! Oh and you can skip the ‘lord’ part. I’m not really into that,” Subaru replied.
Rem stood still breathing heavily.
“Rem, are you alright?” Subaru asked uncertainly.
“I’m sorry!” She shouted, tears streaming down her face. “I’m sorry that I tried to kill you!”
Rem stood there and started to cry, loud wracking sobs as she buried her face in her hands.
Subaru’s jaw dropped. Shit. I did not see this coming.
Subaru walked over to Rem and gently put his arms around her.
Rem’s head snapped up her eyes wild.
Subaru gently stroked her back.
After a moment, Rem’s sobs quieted a bit and she rested her head on his shoulder.
“It’s OK, Rem. You made a mistake but nobody got hurt. Mistakes are only as important as the consequences they cause. No harm’s been done. It’s fine,” He soothed.
“I was certain that you were a cultist,” Rem whimpered. “I was sure that you were there to kill my sister and I.”
“Sometimes it’s hard to tell who people are at first glance. It’s usually worth a second look,” Subaru replied.
“I was so… so sure that you were a monster,” Rem murmured.
“Well, you did watch me kill a whole lot of people, plus a giant troll. Honestly, I felt like a monster after that,” Subaru half joked.
Rem took a deep breath. “Why? They were going to kill everyone. They were the monsters.”
“Maybe but… there’s always a chance for people to be better. Right up until the moment when you kill them anyway. Then there’s no chance,” Subaru replied. “They were terrible people, or at least they were people willing to follow terrible, evil orders but they were people none the less. Until they met me. Then they were nothing but blood and rotting meat.”
Subaru felt a drop of rain and looked up realizing the rain was starting to fall.
“We should get back,” Subaru murmured, patting Rem’s shoulder as they resumed their walk.
Ram was waiting for them on the front porch when Rem and Subaru returned. The rain had stopped without ever really progressing beyond a light drizzle and the sun was coming out.
“Where were you, Lord Subaru?” Ram asked in a tight voice.
That’s actually not your question, Ram. You’re asking: ‘Where was Rem and why do I now find that Rem was with you?’
“Rem was kind enough to help me, Reinhard and Felt make a delivery to Arlem,” Subaru replied.
Rem moved next to her sister and bowed her head.
“And where are Sir Reinhard and Miss Felt?” Ram asked.
“They went back to town,” Subaru said.
Ram’s eyes narrowed. “Perhaps you should seek out Lady Emilia. I think she would enjoy your company.”
Oh, is that what this is about? Rem tried to kill me just last week and you’re already thinking that I’m going to try to seduce her? Jeez, what is courtship like where you’re from Ram? I bet it’s both really exciting and not at all conducive to good health.
“That’s a good idea. I think I’ll do that. Nice talking to you, Rem,” Subaru said, walking inside.
“Thank you… Subaru,” Rem whispered.
Subaru didn’t need to turn around to feel Ram glaring lines of fire into his back.
“Hi, Subaru,” Emilia said as Subaru walked into the library. Emilia was sitting at a desk in front of a large pile of books. Puck was dozing on the desk, looking almost like an ordinary cat.
“Hey, Mili,” Subaru said, walking over to Emilia and gently running a hand through her hair. “Learn anything interesting?”
Subaru glanced at the book that Emilia was reading. He wasn’t a proficient reader yet but it appeared to be describing some kind of race war between humans and demi-humans.
“I’m learning a lot but I’m not feeling that I understand much yet,” Emilia complained.
“I so know how you feel,” Subaru commiserated, taking a seat on the arm of her chair.
“What have you been doing today?” Emilia asked.
“I finished the sewing machine and then Reinhard, Felt, Rem, and I dropped it off at Petra’s house for testing. Petra was very excited,” Subaru smiled.
“I bet,” Emilia replied, “Where are Felt and Reinhard?”
“Oh, they went back to the capitol to grab a few things after we dropped the machine off,” Subaru replied. “Rem and I walked back.”
“I assume she didn’t try to kill you?” Emilia asked, turning a page in her book with exaggerated indifference.
“Could you at least pretend to act concerned?” Subaru snorted.
Emilia laughed.
“No, she didn’t try to kill me,” Subaru continued. “ As a matter of fact, she cried about it and apologized.”
“Oh, that’s wonderful! I’m glad you two worked things out,” Emilia smiled.
“Me too. Although, since Ram saw me walking back to the manor with Rem, I think she’s come to the mistaken conclusion that I’m trying to seduce her sister. It’s still good to put that little misunderstanding between me and Rem behind us. Always assuming that the new misunderstanding with Ram doesn’t get me killed,” Subaru replied.
“You know, Subaru,” Puck said, waking up and stretching. “Most people wouldn’t refer to attempted murder as a misunderstanding.”
“I don’t know, Puck,” Subaru mused. “I’ve been here for about 8 days and I’ve already had at least four incidents of people trying to kill me. Honestly, I think I’m starting to become kind of blase about the whole thing.”
“At least?” Puck asked.
Subaru shrugged, “I’m not really sure how many times you contemplated my death. Please don’t tell me either. Also I expect the number of attempts on my life to rise drastically now that Ram thinks I’m after her little sister.”
Puck laughed but Emilia looked annoyed at them both.
“Hey, Puck,” Subaru said. “I’m glad you’re here. I needed to ask your advice about something.”
“Yes, Subaru. You should go chase after Rem and leave my daughter alone,” Puck said, floating up into the air with a yawn.
Emilia frowned and tapped Puck’s forehead with her pinkie finger.
“Ow,” Puck said wholly unconvincingly.
“Do not take that as permission!” Emilia said, pointing at Subaru sternly.
“Yes, Mili,” Subaru said, trying not to laugh. “Actually, Puck, I wanted to talk to you about Beatrice. What do you know about her… job?”
“Betty’s contract? Umm… well, not much, I guess. I don’t remember too much from the old days. Betty remembers them better than I do,” Puck replied. “Why do you ask?”
Subaru pondered his answer for a moment. “Because… she’s lonely. She’s miserable and she’s despairing of ever changing her life so… I want to find a way to help her.”
“Betty’s sad?” Puck asked in surprise. “When did that happen? She always seems so happy.”
“Sure, when you’re around,” Subaru snickered. Then he got serious. “Do you know anything about ‘that person?’”
“Which person?” Puck asked.
Subaru grimaced. “I don’t know. ‘That person!’ The one that Beatrice has been waiting for.”
“I’m sorry, Subaru. I just don’t know. What are you trying to do anyway?” Puck asked.
“Whoever ‘that person’ is, Beatrice has been waiting for them for four hundred years and that royally pisses me off. I want to find them, give them a piece of my mind for neglecting that poor girl for so long, and then drag them back to Beako all tied up with a bow,” Subaru said firmly.
It was hard to read a cat’s facial expressions but Subaru thought that Puck might actually look impressed.
“This is why I love him, Puck,” Emilia said with a fond smile.
Subaru stared at Emilia.
“What?” Emilia asked.
Subaru started to smile. “Did you just say you loved me?”
Emilia turned red, “No!”
“You did,” Subaru whispered, wrapping his arms around Emilia.
“No!” Emilia said, burying her face in her hands.
“You said you loved me!” Subaru cheered, laying his cheek against the top of her head.
“I did not!” Emilia said, her voice muffled from behind her hands.
“I didn’t hear anything,” Puck grumbled.
“We need to celebrate,” Subaru proclaimed as Emilia shook her head back and forth. “It’s just past lunch time. What do you say to a picnic?”
“A… what?” Emilia asked, uncovering her face.
“A picnic, you know where you take some food, go out someplace, and eat it together.”
“Sounds interesting,” Emilia said in a tone that made clear she didn’t understand why that would be interesting.
Rem had obligingly packed them a basket with some food and wine. Puck had disappeared off to talk to Beatrice and assuage the concerns that Subaru had raised in him about his sister. Subaru and Emilia were sitting under a shady tree in a flower filled meadow just outside the manor.
“This is rather nice,” Emilia said, nibbling on a sandwich.
“So tell me, Mili, what did you do in the forest?” Subaru asked.
“I spent most of my time tending to the frozen bodies,” Emilia replied.
Subaru paused. “Gruesome,” He said. “What did you do for fun?”
Emilia thought about it for a bit. “I spent a few years making a map of the forest,” She said.
Subaru rolled his eyes. “Damn, Emilia, we really need to introduce you to a few games.”
Emilia cocked her head. “Why what did you do where you come from?”
Subaru flushed. “Um. Nothing very interesting actually.”
Emilia crossed her arms. “Subaru! That’s not fair! I told you what I used to do!”
Subaru made a pained expression. “Well, I spent most of my time in my room.”
“Oh. You weren’t allowed to leave it?” Emilia asked sympathetically.
“No, I was… I was actually supposed to leave it… I… just didn’t,” Subaru sighed.
“I don’t understand,” Emilia said.
“Let’s… just not talk about it?”
Emilia reached out and took his hand. “Subaru, you can tell me anything.”
“Um. Really it’s not worth getting into.”
“I can tell that it’s bothering you. Let me help,” Emilia urged.
“Look, Mili, I just don’t want to get into it. Let’s just change the subject, OK? This really isn’t any of your business.”
Emilia looked shocked then offended. “Why not?”
“It’s… it’s really… complicated!” Subaru said helplessly.
“So explain it to me!”
“Mili,” Subaru covered his eyes. “I…”
“Did you do something bad?” She asked gently.
“No, I didn’t do anything bad,” Subaru shook his head.
“Then why won’t you tell me?” Emilia asked, raising her voice. “Do you not trust me?”
“Of course, I do!” Subaru said, genuinely offended by the accusation.
“Do you think I’m too dumb to understand it?”
“No!”
“Then why won’t you tell me? I told you all about what I did in the forest!” Emilia shouted.
“It’s… it’s different!” Subaru struggled.
Emilia stood up, her eyes were filled with unshed tears. “I admitted that I loved you this morning,” She said in a cold voice. “I knew that saying that was a bad idea. I knew you could never feel the same way about me that I felt about you.”
Emilia started to walk away.
Subaru gaped at her and made a dive from a sitting position. He managed to grab her wrist.
“Let go of me, Subaru,” Emilia said, not turning around.
“Emilia, this isn’t even fair! You know that I love you!” Subaru shouted, getting to his feet.
Emilia whirled around, her eyes blazing. “Fair?! I told you about the most personal thing in my life yesterday! Now not only will you not tell me anything about your old life but you won’t even tell me why! You love me?! You don’t even trust me!”
She wrenched her arm free of Subaru, stomping away.
Subaru hesitated a moment and then raced after her.
“Emilia!” He shouted.
“Get away from me, Subaru,” He saw the tears on her face but her voice was like ice as she kept walking away.
He took a deep breath. “I thought you had questions.”
Emilia paused her stride. “Are you ready to answer them?”
Subaru breathed heavily for a long moment. “You won’t like the answers.”
Emilia finally turned around to look at him. She crossed her arms. “Why don’t you let me decide that?”
Subaru swallowed hard. “What if… you don’t like me after I tell you? I don’t want to talk about this.”
Emilia rolled her eyes heavenward and stamped her foot. “Subaru! You are such a selfish child!” She screamed.
“Me?! I have done nothing since I’ve gotten here but try to help you!” He yelled back.
Emilia’s face went still. “Are you just trying to help me or do you love me?”
“I love you,” Subaru said seriously.
She nodded. “I love you too,” She said almost in a tone of wonder.
She closed her eyes and spoke in a calm voice, “Subaru, did you ever wonder how scary it was yesterday for me to talk to you about what happened in the Elior forest?”
Subaru frowned. “I know it was hard for you to talk about it but why was it scary?”
Emilia shook her head and sighed. “Because of the very real possibility that you would be angry at me. Because you might have been disgusted with me or even hated me. There was a chance you never would have looked at me the same way again, Subaru. That is why it was so scary!”
Subaru shook his head. “Emilia, you know I would never do that. I’m on your side; always. I know that you’re not perfect and you’re not an angel. You make mistakes and sometimes, whatever the problem you’re trying to fix, you are going to come up short against it. But I will always believe that whatever the outcome, you did your best. You can talk to me about anything. I will never turn against you.”
Emilia closed her eyes and ground her teeth. “Subaru, you are so stupid!”
Subaru threw up his hands. “What am I doing wrong here, Mili? Talk to me! Give me a clue!”
“You don’t trust me!” She accused.
“Of course I do!”
“No, you don’t!” She yelled back, stamping her foot. “You just gave me a whole speech about how much I should trust you! You told me how I should trust you because you love me and you’ll never turn against me. You told me how you want me to tell you anything, no matter how bad it is! So then why don’t you trust me enough to tell me something bad? You are demanding that I trust you implicitly but you won’t trust me that way! It’s not fair!”
Subaru blinked.
“You tell me that you love me! How am I supposed to believe that?” Emilia asked in tears. “How can you love someone you won’t trust? What does the word ‘love’ even mean to you if you don’t think trust is essential? What do I mean to you?”
Subaru was silent.
He swallowed hard as he felt tears running down his face. He took a step closer. “Emilia,” He whispered.
She was struggling to breath through her sobs. “Don’t touch me,” She murmured with no force as Subaru pulled her into his arms.
She was stiff in his arms but then she relaxed and they were crying and sobbing together.
They stayed like that for a few minutes and then they both became quiet.
“Emilia,” Subaru whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want your apologies,” Emilia whispered, her voice muffled against his chest.
“Emilia… I didn’t want you to know that… back home… I was the biggest goddamn loser on the planet,” Subaru murmured.
Emilia was quiet for a moment. “What do you mean?”
“I was a loser. Nobody expected anything from me. I almost never left my room for years because no one really cared if I did. I didn’t leave my room because I was scared of the world outside. I stopped going to school. I never tried to find work. I gave up on the world and then the world gave up on me. Even my parents weren’t sure if I…” He pause, “I had no friends. I never did anything that mattered. Except for my parents, nobody will even notice that I’m gone. I was pathetic. I was a worthless loser who should never have been born. That’s what I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you… to see me that way,” Subaru sighed.
Emilia took a few deep breaths against his chest. “I don’t know that Subaru. I’ve never met him,” She murmured. “He’s certainly not my Subaru. My Subaru is brave and clever and hardworking. He is absolutely not a loser. He rescued me over and over again. He risked his life to save mine. He rescued a whole village of people-”
“Using invincibility magic,” Subaru interrupted deprecatingly.
“While thinking that he was going to die!” Emilia continued firmly. “I held him in my arms that night. I know how scared he was. How small and helpless he must have felt. But he did it anyway. He risked his life to save theirs. That’s what the entire village of Arlem sees when they look at my Subaru. And that’s what I see too.”
Subaru gave a little choke.
Emilia raised her head and looked fiercely at Subaru. “I don’t know what your world was like. I don’t really understand the situation you described. But I believe with all my heart that you did the best you were capable of at that time,” She emphasized. “You’re not the man that you described to me and I will never see you as any less than the man I see now.”
“I am on your side, Subaru; always,” Emilia said defiantly. “I know that you’re not perfect and that you’re not an angel. You do make mistakes and sometimes, whatever the problem you’re trying to solve, you are going to come up short against it. But I will always believe that whatever the outcome, you did your best. You can talk to me about anything. I will never abandon you.”
Subaru’s eyes filled with tears as he gazed into Emilia’s. “I know that,” Subaru said with a catch in his voice. “I believe that. Because I trust you… because I understand that if I want you to trust me… I need to prove that I trust you just as much. And I always want you to trust me.”
Emilia’s eyes were still watery as she nodded. “Good. So at least all this accomplished something,” She said briskly with a small catch in her voice as she hugged him tight.
They both started crying again.
Neither of them noticed that in the woods nearby, a small girl dressed in pink with drill shaped braids watched them closely.
The next morning, Subaru woke up and left his bedroom for breakfast. As soon as he emerged into the hall he found Beatrice standing there arms folded waiting for him.
“It’s about time you woke up, I suppose. You kept Betty waiting,” She said.
I did?
“Sorry about that. What were you waiting for me for?” Subaru asked.
“Betty has come to a very important decision, in fact. A decision which involves you,” Beatrice said, marching into the room next to Subaru’s.
Subaru followed her inside, realizing that Beatrice had moved her library next to Subaru’s room.
“OK, what was your decision?” Subaru asked.
Beatrice looked up at Subaru with folded arms and firm resolve. “Betty wants Subaru to be the one to kill her, in fact.”