“What! No!” Yin breathes as she scrambles to her knees and rushes back to me. When she sees the bite on my hand she gasps. “I…there’s no way! It must be from when you got hit by the bear! You can’t be bitten…!”

“It’s a bite mark, Yin. I’m sorry.” I take the katana in my good hand and rise to my feet. “Your promise...I’m going to have to ask you to fulfill it a little early.” She stares at me like I’ve become an alien. The wolves all around us are howling, baying wildly as they circle for the kill. They smell fresh blood. But Yin only has eyes for me.

“I won’t. I can’t.”

I don’t answer at first. Instead, I rush forwards, cutting down an infested wolf. Another comes from behind, the classic attack pattern of canines. But I’m ready. This time I won’t be taken by surprise. The katana whistles back, aimed directly for the neck.

I am the Black Butcher, Hei. This is the only gift I can give Yin before I ask for death.

Even now, I can feel the virus racing through my arm, into my shoulder. It’s like novocaine, a gentle numbing fire which makes it hard to think. But I keep on swinging, keep on killing. My level rises wildly and I realize this could be a mistake.

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Congratulations!

Yin must kill me before I rise. Else, I will be unstoppable at this rate!

Panic fills my heart, but to be honest, I can’t stop killing these things. I’m so tired, but all that matters to me is that Yin survives. I’ll clear each and every last one of these bastards and at the very least, she will be able to move on after slaying me and taking my experience. That is my plan. I don’t look back at her until the last wolf hits the ground. I have no clue how many I have killed. All I can see is my level. It flashes dimly in the corner of my vision.

Lvl. 14.

I’m strong.

Way too strong.

And fading fast.

Moving so much has spread the disease through my body even faster. When I turn around, Yin’s crying. Her beautiful eyes are open wide, as she takes in the slaughter I have unleashed on the ones trying to take me from her. I’ve guaranteed her survival. But our time together will end here no matter what I do. My vision is blurry. I’d like to say its from blood loss but I think the stinging in my eyes would give away the lie. I’m crying too.

I don’t want our time to end.

I don’t want to die, to go into that endless blackness, and experience that horrible thing taking me over once again.

The virus cannot be reasoned with. I can’t bargain for more time. Only Yin can save me from becoming the Gray again.

“Do it.” I walk over, turn the bloody katana down to face the dirt and wait for her to take it. Even my uninfected hand has begun to shake as the virus overrides my motor neurons. It’s almost there, almost in my spine and my brain. Running around so much means I have little time left. “Kill me. Cut off my head right now. You can’t hesitate.”

“I…don’t want to.” Yin’s hand reaches out for the handle but she doesn’t take it. Just watches me with the saddest expression. “Do I really have to?”

“Yes. If I come back as one of them, I’ll be the worst plague this world has ever seen. First, I’ll rip you apart. Then I’ll move on to the town back there. And then no one will be safe. Do you understand? Now it is the time to honor your promise!” I shove the katana at her. Still, she won’t take it, so I let it drop, the tip stabbing into the dirt. The blade stands there, quivering, ready for her to take. I’m starting to see it now. The red on the edges of my vision is being replaced with gray. It’s like the world is fading from me. My strength leaving.

I just want to give in and lie down.

But still, Yin won’t take the sword. Won’t end it.

“You don’t deserve this. After all you’ve done to help me.” She whispers quietly. I shake my head. Already, I can feel how stiff my neck has become.

My muscles are locking up. I’m losing control.

I go down to one knee, unable to stand straight. The blade lies between us like a wall I can never cross. Soon it will be the knife which separates us forever.

“I…I let your friends die. So, I could be closer to you. They were trash.” My lips say something awful. But I’m desperate to convince her. Desperate to save her. I’ll say anything if it means she can survive. Yin’s face is filled with doubt. She’s hurt. Doesn’t understand why I’m telling her this.

“You’re lying!” She cries. But I hold her gaze, show her that I’m not.

“It’s the truth. I watched from between the buildings until they died. Then I went and saved you.” I thought the weight of my sin would lessen when I told her this. I’ve felt guilty about it, but since I knew what they were really like, I did my best to ignore it. Now it’s all coming out. But it doesn’t feel good. I don’t feel any release. Just more and more tension as my muscles clench. The virus is no longer like novocaine. It isn’t numbing, it burns like fire! Tearing away my control one bit of me at a time.

“Why are you telling me this?” Yin breaths, the tears falling freely from her eyes. I want to say I’m sorry, but to be honest, my jaw has locked up completely. I can’t move it anymore. Only gaze at her stupidly while pointing to the blade and my neck. “I won’t believe it. You’ve taken care of me! You must have had some reason!”

I shake my head sadly, unable to speak. Her sad face leans in, stopping just short of the katana. I can see it there, her hesitation, her fear, her confusion. My heart feels like it’s breaking except so does the rest of me. Then…

*CRUNCH!*

Yin is sent tumbling back. On top of her, an infected wolf leans down and bites deep with a vicious savagery. Her surprised face is filled with real pain along with the sadness as it tears her apart. I can’t move.

I know this creature.

I thought I killed it a minute ago.

I wasn’t careful enough.

My hands were too numb to notice I failed to completely sever its spine.

“Ahhh! Hei! HELP-!”

*Puchi*

Her scream is cut off as it finds her throat. Everything is going gray. I manage to put my hands on the hilt of the blade, and pull it out of the dirt, but I can’t stand up. I’m just stuck there on one knee, watching as the bastard wolf destroys all my plans and devours the one person I wanted to save. Yin’s head falls to the side. Blood drips from her lips as her blank stare finds me. It accuses me of not saving her. I can hear her last scream echoing still, though all I’m really hearing is the sounds of the wolf feasting.

*Crunch*

*Crunch*

It almost looks like Yin’s lips are still moving, like she’s trying to say something to me but I can’t hear anything over the horrible, horrible chewing. I want so bad to stand up and cut that thing’s head off. If I had just been more careful, more decisive, Yin wouldn’t have had to suffer so…so horribly. As the Gray almost completely covers my vision, I decide what I must do.

I turn the sword so the blade is up. Put it under my chin. I’ve sharpened it well. The tip cuts into the underside of my throat without trouble. My left hand is useless, the Gray has it now. But my right is still under my control.

Yin. I’m so sorry. I’ll fix this. I won’t mess up next time!

I wrap my fingers around the blade, feeling the steel bite into my fingers. It’s secure. It won’t move. Then I look up at the sky as I line the tip up. When it is centered directly under the center of my mouth, I close my eyes. And push myself down as hard as I can.

Puchi!

Somewhere between the time it takes for the blade to penetrate my skull and for me to lose unconsciousness, I hear a voice which is not mine scream. It grasps for control, but it is too late. I’ve already destroyed the brain.

NO!

#

It is unpleasant. Dying is. Some may say it is peaceful. Others that it is like nothing. They are wrong. There is nothing peaceful about this pain. I don’t ever want to experience it again. I don’t ever want to die again. In the moments before the end, the brain remembers all the horrible things that have happened to you. It’s like a dark dream. A nightmare which you cannot wake from. I can see it, feel it. My past deaths, the burning pain of dying. Being torn apart. Tearing others apart. Yin’s broken face shuddering as the wolf reaches inside for another bite. Over and over, it’s amazing how much you can remember in that one little god-awful moment.

“Hey, you alive?”

“HAHHH!” I wake up, crashing into a girl’s face. It’s the same one from my dream. The same one which was lying there, just like that, but this one isn’t screaming for me to help her. “No! No! NO!” My despairing cries cause everyone around to back away as if I’m infected. It’s…she’s…not the same…it’s…all reset. Why…when we were so close to winning? Is there no justice?

Is justice what you want?

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

It’s all in my head. The Gray isn’t in control. Stop…stop…just relax…we’re alive again.

“OWWW!” Yin clutches her head, rubbing the spot we clashed. She’s the only one who isn’t worried just about herself. Her kind eyes are the same as I remember. Not like the dead, empty ones from my dream. I try to convince myself it was all a dream. Yes, just a dream. None of that was real. This is the only real reality. Let it go, calm down.

“This guy is wasted, look at him, he looks like he’s seen a ghost!” Donovan’s familiar voice doesn’t piss me off anymore. I look at him like what he is.

A dead man walking.

“This time. I won’t make any mistakes.” My cold, unfeeling voice causes even Yin to back away in fear. The other traitors quickly take her from me and make to leave. I watch them as they go into the afternoon sunset. As she’s pulled away, Yin calls back.

“I’m sorry if I scared you! We’ll be going North! Just follow the star if you need help!” Her hopeful voice is quickly hushed by the traitors, but it still brings a dull smile to my lips.

“Yes…I think I will.” I mutter under my breath as I get to my feet. Everything is the same. The same scenario, the same variables. My cleaver is in my coat, I’m not a Hunter anymore. The only thing that’s different is me. I’ve found my resolve, no…my conviction! “This time, I’ll save you. No mistakes”

When they are gone, I take a moment to gather myself. My heart is still pounding. While everyone has forgotten the future, I remember. The previous times I died; the Gray was in control. Everything had a somewhat surreal feeling, even if I still experienced it all. This time, the sword driving into my skull was so real. It sticks with me differently. For a while, the world spins, I’m lost in the sickening sensation of oncoming death.

“Hurrk…” I almost puke.

Before the Calamity, I used to imagine what it was like to die. I’d always wrinkle my face when I thought of the loneliness and utter isolation. Now that I know what it’s really like, I think I’d rather go back to my imagination. Even though I’m alive and breathing now, I feel different. Every time I come back it’s like a little bit less of me makes the trip back.

“Eurgh!” Bile coats my throat, but I force it back down. There’s work to be done. It’s about time.

“HELP!” As expected, there’s a cry as Yin’s party meets the zombies. After experiencing this twice, the situation fails to excite me like before. I’ve…lost the sense of urgency I had before. Leisurely, I take my time walking to the gap between the two buildings. I know that it will be a while until Yin’s companions are dead. Should I let them die again? But what’s the alternative? If I let them live, they’ll just betray me and Yin again at the worst time. No, better that I should take care of any problems before they start. That’s what got my in trouble last time. I wasn’t decisive enough! Who knows how many times I can come back? This could be the last time. I need to be better than this!

From in-between the buildings, I watch impassively, just out of sight as Yin’s companions are wiped out. Even last time, I felt something, rage at least, when they died. But this time, watching them, it’s like there’s a screen between us. I just…don’t care whatsoever.

Like Yin said, I have a good reason to let them die. Saving them would harm her in the long run. I can do more good by taking my time.

When the last one has been dragged under by the Fresh Undead, I rush out to play hero once more. To be honest, I might not have done a very good job of keeping up the façade. Yin stays perfectly safe of course. But she flashes me an odd look in-between the terrified screams. Perhaps it’s something to do with my impassive face which is probably closer to that of a Death God than a human. It’s just I know exactly how this will play out already. I feel like an actor just rehearsing my lines.

“Donovan, Rui, and the others are going to reanimate in a second.” I whisper into her ears as I pull her to shore. She looks at me with wide eyes.

“H-How do you know our names?” She asks and I curse myself for being a little careless.

“I heard them when you guys passed by. Now stop asking questions and listen to me. You need to help your friends. Or else they’re going to eat you.” My instructions are predictably followed by refusal, denial, and the other useless emotions holding Yin back. I should persuade her like last time. It’s important for her to understand that her friends are no longer her friends anymore. Though I’m sorely tempted to just do her friends in myself, eventually I get through to her. “KILL THEM!”

“HAH!” The poor girl wanders through the reanimated bodies of her friends and I help her finish off each and every one. This time I don’t listen to her when she gets to Rui, no matter how she begs.

“No more exceptions, Yin. You have to grow strong. You have to learn to be ruthless.” I whisper while holding the pink-haired zombie down for her. When the cleaver slides in, tears fall along with blood. But she does it all on her own. Her friends are at rest.

*Thud!*

I have her take out Crassia as well. Yin cries all the while, but I harden my heart. This time, I will turn her into someone who can survive on her own without fail. The worst case almost happened when she refused to kill me last time. If my zombie self had been allowed to truly resurrect, with so many levels after killing that many infected wolves, who knows what would have happened. I might never have been able to come back.

“You need to be tougher.” I say and she gives me an angry glare. It hurts to have her looking at me like that but it’s for the best.

If things go wrong, she’ll be less likely to hesitate.

Walking by the river the next day, I toss my phone inside again, hoping that I’ll never have to see it again. Then I grab a stone and summon the two Drowned Souls inside. I don’t have to help as much this time. I guess my tough love approach is showing results. Though Yin’s expression is hard to look at. She seems so sad standing with my cleaver by the two frog-like corpses.

“Crassia would have turned into things like these if you hadn’t helped her.”

“Shut up. You didn’t know her. Don’t talk about my friends like you knew them.” Yin’s bitter voice echoes across the burbling cold river and I have no reply. It’s true. While I knew most of her party, I never had a chance to interact with Crassia before she died. Though judging from how she came as a resentful Drowned Soul, she might not have been a nice person regardless. Shrugging it off, I take my cleaver back from her and wash it off before heading to town. Along the way, I explain the things Yin needs to know as a Hunter again. Unlike before when she asked a lot of questions, this time she just listens in silence. I’m a little worried that she isn’t understanding what I’m saying, but when I ask if she needs me to clarify anything she just shakes her head with a dark look.

Damn, it’s like she hates me now.

Unable to reconcile this Yin with the one from my last life, I give it up. After she fell asleep from slaying the rest of her reanimated friends, I held her once again. When she woke up, she scrambled out of my reach and seemed more terrified of me than the undead. Either way, my efforts to be more decisive have saved time. We make it into town earlier in the night. There are more shops open, but nothing really interesting. I don’t bother asking for Yin’s money. I already know how little is inside. Without wasting a moment, I grab the supplies we need as well the replica sword from the stalls and old lady. Then I head to the unoccupied house. Yin stares at me suspiciously as I walk inside.

“Aren’t you going to ask if anyone’s home? Or is this your house?” She wonders. It’s the first thing she’s said in a while and I’m kind of glad she’s talking.

“I already asked one of the vendors. This one’s unoccupied, the owners are dead, so we can spend the night here.” I lie. Well, it’s not technically a lie, I really did ask one of the vendors in my past life. “I’m going to shower first. You can take the room on the right.”

“Right…” Yin shrugs and enters beside me.

After my shower, I go to my room. Yin stands outside the bathroom on the second floor and gazes down at me as I finish eating a sandwich.

“Um, I guess I should say thank you.” She says uncomfortably. I don’t even look up from my sandwich. Yep, that’s Yin for you. Even when she’s angry, she’s still nice. “You know, for saving me and all. Even though you’re kind of a prick, I’m grateful. And I know you’re trying to help me for some reason. Hey, are you listening?” She huffs a little and I finally look up from my meal.

“Yes, and you’re welcome. Look, I don’t know how to say this.” I stretch, getting ready for bed. But I feel a little bad for how I’ve forced her to suffer all day. “But you’ve gone through a lot. And the Calamity is only going to get worse from here. Please, bear with it. And understand, that if I ask a lot of you, it’s only so that you can learn to become a better Hunter. I’m going to help you survive this world, whatever it takes.” Though my words are awkward and probably very strange sounding, Yin is Yin. She seems to pick up on my sincerity and gives me a little wave as I head to bed.

“Goodnight, Hei. Thank you for protecting me.”

#

When I get to bed however, I only let myself doze lightly. As expected, the sound of footsteps outside and whispered voices comes as the night progresses. I don’t bother looking out the window, instead just going straight to the living room and hiding myself behind the door.

“Probably took advantage of the circumstances. Besides, did you see that wad of cash he had? Dude’s loaded! We’re gonna strike it rich!” A familiar voice comes before long.

“It’s deadbolted. That’s a problem. These guys sure are cautious!” The voice of the lockpicker sounds annoyed as he fumbles getting the credit card into the lock. A vast amount of annoyance hits me as well in that moment. When the two of them manage to get the door open, I watch them enter while rolling my eyes.

“Which room do you think he took?” One of them says something strange. I wonder why exactly these two were looking for me. But then his heavy boot catches on the floorboard again.

“Oh crap!”

The upstairs door opens much more quickly than last time. Yin pokes her head out into the dark living room and sees the robbers.

“Who’s there?!” She barks with the replica katana in hand already.

Huh, that’s not what happened last time.

“Hold on, is that a sword?!” One of the robbers immediately homes in on the weapon and they turn to run.

“KYAA!” Yin screams as they stagger for the door. Though I know I could let them get away, I promised myself that this time I wouldn’t leave any loose ends. Raising my cleaver before Yin can say anything, I drive it into the chest of one of the thieves as he walks by!

“OOMPH!” He collapses instantly, his ribs crushed by the thick butcher’s knife. Yin watches in horror from her room, her replica katana forgotten by her side.

“W-Wait! Don’t kill them-!” She cries but it’s too late. Before she can say anything else, I yank my cleaver out of the first man’s chest and leap forwards to hack the other man in the back. He goes down a few steps out the door, scrabbling in the dirt as if he can hold onto life. But I drag him back inside.

“Please! Please don’t kill me!” He tries to beg with me. The blood from his back is staining the carpet red. Yin has her hand outstretched, but she’s too shocked to say anything more when I raise the knife on high and end this trouble before it can begin.

*Shing*

His head rolls off and I shut the door.

“These two broke into our house. I was watching.” I say calmly. Yin trembles outside her room, holding on the doorknob for support. She looks like she’s going to faint.

“Oh…I heard someone moving around in the living room. I thought it might be…might be you, you know? I didn’t think that they would…did you really need to kill them?” She shivers, the shock making it hard for her to speak. I shrug, going to the sink to wash my cleaver off. Then I go back and drag the bodies behind the couch so they’re not blocking the door. When I slam the deadbolt back down Yin flinches.

“Who knows what they were planning on doing. You’re a pretty girl, Yin.” I look at her and she puts her arms around her chest defensively. As if I’m the threat. “It’s best to take them out. Otherwise by the time we found out what they were doing here, it might have been too late.”

“I-I guess…” Yin clutches herself and still shivering, retreats into her room. “I’m g-gunna try to get some sleep, Hei. Have a…a good night!”

“Goodnight.” I look at her oddly and she shakily slams the door. Taking my time, I go back in the shower to clean the blood off. When I get back downstairs, I stare at Yin’s bedroom.

Huh, so she’s not going to invite me in this time. Well, I was probably a bit hasty to kill those two. Still, I don’t think I did anything wrong. Yes, I let them go last time, and yes it didn’t seem to hurt us. But things can change between my lives obviously and I still have no idea what exactly they wanted. It was safer to kill them.

I’m not going to lose sleep over my decision. I already wasted a lot of time staying up waiting for them. As someone who has had to defend my party from Hunter Slayers before, I’m no stranger to killing. Even before dying, the world had already taught me that sometimes it was necessary. Though perhaps this time I reached for my blade a little too easily…

“Whatever.”

#

When I get up in the morning, I halfway expect Yin to not answer my knock on her door. But it’s only a suspicion. Unfortunately, when I knock…

*Knock. Knock.*

No one answers.

“Yin? You okay?” I pause for a moment, waiting. However, it soon becomes apparent that something is wrong. “I’m coming in!”

*Thud!*

Rearing back, I smash into the door with a roundhouse kick. Instantly the strength of a Lvl. 1 Hunter punches the doorknob out and my foot goes through. Pulling it out and ignoring the splinters which catch on my jeans, I push my way inside Yin’s room!

“Crap.” I whisper as I see the empty bed and note. She’s left a piece of paper with some words scribbled in the middle of the undone bed. Looking at window, I see it’s open, and the room is chilly. Clearly, she’s been gone for some time. Rushing over to the note, I scan it quickly. This is bad!