Do I deserve help?

When the option to receive help is given, It's genuinely hard for me to ask. This is because I've always had some sort of stigma with reaching out for help as I'm completely capable of figuring it out on my own without their help. But, at what cost? Is it really worth going through the trouble of figuring it out on my own if someone was genuinely willing to help me?

But even still, I can hear my classmates all the time, talking about me and how they viewed me as a result of me and my attitude.

"—... Is over there by herself again, you'd think she'd have a friend or two."

"You go over and talk to her then!"

"Are you serious?.. Why would I talk to someone as stuck up and pretentious as her..—"

They're not entirely without fault, girl 1A and girl 1B, I can't really give them names since they're basically irrelevant. Also because I really don't wanna take the time out to learn their names in the first place.

But really, the conversations heard about myself are always something different each day, at one point it was about how I was astonishingly beautiful compared to the other girls in my class but this only resulted in backlash causing the other girls to fill my backpack with rotting fish but because of how observant I was at the time, I'd swap it out with another girls bag so she'd be ruining her own bag while I grabbed my own from her desk afterward. 

Ultimately you could say I'm a bit of a recluse given I have some relative trouble making friends, but you see..— I rather enjoy being distant from everyone else. Of course, it's been a bit of a mess as the drama around was started regardless of me getting involved with others and their irrelevant lives. But I can confidently say I simply minded my own business and tried to get through school to the best of my own abilities but, nonetheless; ignorant neanderthals still wanted to antagonize me even though I've done absolutely nothing wrong since day one.

I can remember it clearly, there was supposed to be an assignment where we had to pair up into groups of two or four. However, this group of girls approached me, one was clearly cheating on their boyfriend with one of the other girls' boyfriends but that wasn't really important to me. 

"Hey —.. You wanna join our group! I think it'd be really fun if we all did it together, plus every time the teacher called on you for the answer, you immediately knew it."

"Eh?.." 

I responded in confusion, the whole situation just seemed like they wanted to leach off of me cause I appeared to be smart.

"Uhmm.. I'd rather not, I don't think I really wanna associate with you all. No offense but I'd rather work by myself." 

"Oh, well I thought—"

"You thought you could use me for answers—.. Unfortunately, you will just have to put together the half a brain cell you all share together in order to finish this project." 

I had cut her off abruptly as there was no point in trying to weasel your way out of this predicament. but at this moment the entire class had started to stare at our conversation, it was now at a point where you could clearly see who was the victim.

"Rude.. That was unnecessary, we just wanted you in the group together with us."

"That's unfortunate, but.. No."

Some might ask why? why are you such a dick? Well, honestly I don't like people. Instead of me liking them, I inherently dislike everyone and slowly dislike them less over time.

In truth, I could've had many friends but that'd be a complete waste as I have better things to do with my time you see..

"Finally it's almost done.. The ultimate novel!" 

I yelled this in excitement as I looked deeply into my computer screen in my dimly lit room. I had a wide smile spread all across my face as my eyes glimmered with pure excitement. 

On the computer screen had been a long and winding unformatted story.

I'd jump on top my bed and stretch erratically as I'd simply be left staring at my ceiling and then my entire room which was disgustingly littered with figurines, anime, manga, and pop culture content. LED lights lit up my room along with my 3 monitors and RGB gaming setup.

I'd sigh in relief 

"It's been around 2 years in the making but finally, my novel is almost done.. I just need to revise it, create climax and finally place the conclusion which took me ages to come up with."

Some might wonder how or why I have this much stuff just scattered across my room, but this is simply the perks of being born into a relatively well-off family who'll reward you according to grades and behavior. Luckily enough, I'm the top student in my class and I've been this way for as long as I could remember so almost anything I want I can get. Along with the part-time job I have which only further fuels my endeavors of being a reclusive shut-in.

Generally, finding a job should be hard for someone like me. But in all actuality, I know how to be relatively sincere as a front. 

This generally comes in hand when talking to adults or people who look like they want some form of respect constantly. 

I have a job as a waitress in a maid cafe, not because I like the sight of random middle age dudes ogling at me with their filthy scruffy faces. but because it pays well. 

Of course, I'd have to put on a front whenever talking to them or anyone else but because of this I've gotten rather good at faking a personality and becoming a whole different person as a result of it.

And with that, the tips came flowing in along with my paycheck.

Besides that, my main goal had relied upon showing the world a truly amazing fictional story in which someone like myself, would simply be best being a recluse instead of bothering yourself with fragile and painful relationships only ending in anguish.

If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

I say this with some relative background experience. 

As not only did I try my hardest to maintain friends and fall in love with someone, life simply didn't want me to have those things, not at that time I guess. 

A boyfriend who only used you as an object and put you under heavy mental strain with each and every conversation. On top of that, gossiping female and male friends who envied you in secret for reasons unknown.

I'd try to make amends, to make things better for myself but people simple thought I was being stuck up, greedy, a whore for trying to get more than what she already "had" even though in reality I didn't have anything.

nothing worth claiming anyway.

It was only because of that I'd push everyone away, I tried starting anew but instead of burdening myself, I'd simply just become a recluse. Getting into fights on the internet on which series is "mid" or "peak" why Goku solos? just dumbing myself down to the bare minimum as the life I once had was eventually drowned in slice-of-life animes where everything seems so much simpler..—

but it was because of that, I was inspired to make my own story, one completely unique and better than the rest because it'll be embodying every little bit of my world views and experiences past and present.

Along with it being beyond ordinary, the main protagonist goes through character development on a great scale, but the story progresses in such a captivating way you simply can't stop reading it. Almost as if you're sucked into the story itself. It was wrapping up at the point where the final battle was happening where ideals were clashing, the protagonist and antagonist going off in an epic sequence of events all illustrated by myself.

Ultimately since I was on summer break, I had no reason to stick to a reasonable sleep schedule and had recently committed a 4 day all-nighter on FFXIV, I was exhausted but not only that, I was hungry and it was 1 am so it was really just a matter of what took priority: Leaving the house to get something from the convenience store, or waiting until breakfast in the morning.

A few minutes later

"thank you, please come again!—" exclaimed the clerk working behind the counter of the 7/11

"Man, I basically blew the majority of my money on Add-ons, DLC, and exclusive figurines.. Might have to work overtime this weekend to recover it. But then again, it was for a good cause."

I sighed disappointingly as there was a homeless man on the side of the road where I was walking. His stomach was bulging over his torn and stained pants which contained substances I doubt I could even find in a dumpster. His sweater was no better as the thing was patched up and crummy. He looked so dirty and filthy I couldn't help but try to avert my gaze as I'd already predicted his begging for money.

But, you know I thought I'd show some hospitality. Given I had a job and was pretty much well off as an individual given my household. I walked up to him, swallowed my pride, crouched down, and gave him enough money for one night at a decent hotel nearby. 

"I hope this can get you through the night—.." I said this sincerely as I didn't really wanna look back on my life and just see myself being a dick to everyone, everywhere.

I'd slowly get up from where I was, smiling as that one action made me feel rather warm inside. I thought to myself maybe I'd try being a bit nicer to others as that action alone actually made me feel rather good instead of the reaction he had to the event.

It was then maybe I'd alter my conclusion to my story just a tiny bit.

But the old homeless dude who I assumed was going the opposite direction of me was right behind me. I didn't notice this until this terrible warmth enveloped my back, but then it immediately transformed into a storm of pain. This repeated itself several times as I was then kicked into the pathway of a car speeding along the road. In the slight effort to get up, I'd only find myself weak and unable to lift a finger. 

As it was only then, the most beautiful hue of red came into my vision. Unlike any velvet or silk, it was truly a sight to behold as when I tried to reach out once more to pull myself off the street even slightly.. I'd see it, all over my hands. But in that, a fit of rage came over me. I gripped my hands with the last bit of strength I had as all I could feel was unrivaled anger for that damn old man. Why did I have to spare my time for someone who should've just died on the damn road? It didn't make sense, why was this happening to me when all I did was try to be considerate and kind for once. Nothing made any sense, up until the very last moments, my life was genuinely flashing over my eyes. 

I could see that I was a dick, I could see that I excelled in just about everything and anything I did given I devoted some time to it. But even still I was more or less a shit person but not really a bad one. I wasn't inherently evil but I didn't act out of the good of my heart 24/7 whenever I could. But that one moment, where I sincerely opened myself and lent some compassion out towards that old man washed over me. I felt warm but that warmth only further along turned into sheer rage. 

Not only did my conclusion not change, but it was further proven to be right. My thesis and views on life had only become more antagonistic than they already were. Of course, I was comfortable with lending help but now I simply was disgusted with the thought, how could I have really just given him directions, and money to further improve his life and situation. Only for him to repeatedly stab me in the back, then push me into the road where a car was about to speed past.

"Damn it..— Of course, this is how I'm about to die."

As if everything stopped in time, I heard a voice speaking out to me. It was my voice, but the tone and dialect was slightly different from my own.

"To each is their own but why try so hard to fit within the confines created by an indifferent god, why try to work within walls constructed by them when failure is bound to happen no matter how well you do in previous events. Think outside the box."

 exclaimed by myself. I can only assume it was myself but then again who knows truly.

"Complacency within a crowd of individuals who already consider you to be successful is considered to be ignorant and selfish. Unsatisisfaction despite everything accomplished is merely the hunger for more, or simply a different outcome than the one given. Fret not, instead strive for what truly feeds your desires. "

"And finally..—"

"...As time goes on Thine will simply continue to separate my being from everyone and everything other than me, myself, and I. For I will be true to my own self, in manners and ways that may confuse or disorient others. But so long as my personal truth remains, I am —--.. everlasting."

The name spoken wasn't my own but oddly enough it sounded familiar as if I've heard it every day of my life.

I wonder where I'm going to end up after this odd omen.

It was only after that thought crossed my mind and that dialogue ended would my body had been brutally crushed under the speeding car, my head completely bashed in along with every other part of my body. To the point, it was nearly unrecognizable. Only adding injury to insult a second car followed where my torn remains was flung onto the wall of a nearby building, and crushed by the cargo of the car that initially ran it over as the impact caused whatever it was holding to fly off.

Everything had turned to black, finally was this agonizing acid trip called life, is finally over. 

...—

"Nope!.. this is not the end y'know, people always say after you die it's just black, but we're only making it that way so we can decide what your next direction will be. Your course along the infinite parallels doesn't simply end once you die as death isn't the end!"

 A strange voice had been heard, it was too early for me to be hearing voices. They're probably just some dude looking at my mutilated corpse thinking I'm still conscious or something. 

I'd try to see what was happening but all that could be seen was a white humanoid figure over a pitch black background but it was then I'd see the pitch black background slowly turn into a cosmos. Stars and galaxies all over the place but from what I could see it only expanded more and more, life is created on the spot before my very eyes. 

"Such a dejected spirit, you've lived a truly just okay life, one that was genuinely on the verge of taking a rather decent turn had that unfortunate event didn't occur but OH WELL!"

This guy was getting on my nerves, as soon as I die I've got to deal with this prick.

"Not the nicest thing to say but because of that, I'll spare you of my long explanation for now and leave you with a parting gift before your new and improved life starts.. You'll be granted two abilities as a gift from me, an admirer from afar. I say from afar as my being is so infinitely transcendent that you'd never be able to perceive my real form, and even if you got close to doing so, you'd be driven mad and die upon comprehension from the sheer wellspring of knowledge exuded from my being!"

damn, well that's a good thing to know I guess, of course sarcastically but it's nice to know I won't just be sent to a fiery pit of brimstone or boring eternal heaven where there's no wifi or porn.

"Man you're a terrible one, anywho. Your first ability will be the manifestation of your worldview and core, essentially whatever makes you. Of course, because of this, you could have the potential to completely surpass me or bring about your own downfall. And your second ability will be the innate talent to have an ability in order to fit into the new world you enter, these two stay within your being, and not even I or anyone else within or outside of creation shall be able to take that away from you." 

My own ability? like powers? am I going to some wacky hero shounen trope world where nothing logically makes sense or? cause this whole situation is genuinely out of hand. Mainly being that the person in front of me is just a white silhouette and I can't feel any of my limbs.

"You're freaking out an awful lot but that's to be expected for someone who died so brutally. And because of that, I'll let you in on something for your second ability. You're automatically a prodigy or just talented within your own right because of that sole ability. Along with that, you receive a special ability/skill that accompanies the fact you're a prodigy. And call these parting gifts and your new life, a grace from someone with high expectations."

A grace, like a blessing from god? and I guess this is going to be a new start for me or just another acid trip where I'm constantly under stress.

"A new start? kinda, since you'll retain your memories, it's just that you'll always have a hard time trying to remember how you were murdered. that's staying locked. Anyway, good luck to you sumire—.." 

After the god or deity had ended his or their sentence I was a bit shocked but not entirely since my name was called, a name I don't really wanna recall back to but then again I don't know if I really wanna go through the effort of finding a new one. But even still who knows, because between the fact everything just immediately turned pitch black and I still can't feel anything I was actually concerned I just got sent to hell.

but finally, enveloping me was a bright light soon feeling returned to my body and not the agonizing pain I passed wi— wait.. I don't even remember how painful that was anymore. I've actually, barely remembered how I died now that I think about it. With that, I'd finally appear fully, everything was within view and it was no longer just darkness and some silhouette.

But finally, I'd find myself standing in the middle of an open road, but it wasn't exactly your normal modern road but one you'd see out of a world orienting around swords and magic. Filled with diversity and bustling life. I was in awe to be honest, nothing could excite me more than the setting of the same story I was writing. It was similar but not exactly the same since the technology was a bit more advanced in the novel.

I'm finally going to take the chance to prove myself, to give it my all as this was my opportunity not to be a complete recluse but one who'll show the world that my ideals are absolute. I'll be different, unique from everyone else.. screw being a go-lucky hero only caring about getting their hands on tits but I'll be truly the epitome of divergent.

"I'll make my mark starting right here, and right now."