If you ever get the chance to save someone, do it. If you see a cat in the tree, rescue it. If there’s only one action figure left at the store, take it. If there's a kid walking across the street and a white unmarked van pulls up beside the kid, opens the side door, and grabs the kid, punch the fuck out of the engine.

If a train somehow flies off the rails only to barrel towards a kindly old grandma, go do a running save. If you see a person with a trench coat and a dark hat with their arm inside the jacket, give them a suplex.

If the plane you are riding on gets plane jacked, grab the baseball bat and hit a homerun with the hijackers head. If you are surrounded by hundreds of full auto rifles with ballistic missiles heading toward your position, dig deep underground and watch them blow themselves up. Ectra ecrta. However, when you have survived a tactical nuke by hiding in a lead lined fridge, you start to have a mid life crisis.

Ok, so not long after I was born I started to have near-death events happen almost weekly. At first it was nothing too big, dogs with rabies even though it should be impossible as the virus strand was wiped out, Cat scratches that wouldn’t stop bleeding, even when it should’ve stopped after weeks of bleeding, random kidnappings with fully automatic guns that usually ended with a broken fingers;  one time a train literally flew off the tracks just in an attempt to hit me. It only missed because I got tackled onto the ground by a weird teenager, who freaked out afterward after he learned he didn’t die.

There was one where a tree fell down at the exact time as my car was going under it, or it would’ve been my car if that JERK didn’t CUT ME OFF FROM MY EXIT!!! Needless to say, that guy’s car did get crushed.

I didn’t even trust hospitals because one time a nurse almost gave me an overdose on a medication I never needed, and then, at a different hospital, the doctor tried to do surgery on my arm after eating chicken wings; he still had barbeque on his hands.

Another time a really dumb gross looking dude from a martial arts family claimed that I was his wife, I kicked him where it hurts; this led the family to seek revenge by doing an extensive, overly complicated revenge plot that ended when they got caught conspiring to overthrow the government.

One of the later ones that was favorite of mine was the plane jacking. I was going home after getting a limited edition solid metal bat engraved personally by the entire team, when a couple jerks wanted to take the plane over. A couple minutes of batting practice later, and at least a few dozen backwards signatures, the plane safely landed after a duck got caught in the engine.

I was asked if I wanted to be the first female professional baseball player in history. I accepted, but then quit after the first season due to the amount of balls that “almost” hit me in the batter’s box, along with the strange magnetic properties that made every single hit ball fly straight at me; straight at me. I, of course went into the hall of fame for baseball three times; one for most catches in a single season, most outs in a single season, and best dodger of  baseballs ever.

After my short and ridiculous baseball career I got drafted into the dodgeball league. I happened to be thrown out of the league do to “messing with the balls”, because all the balls that aren't supposed to go over 40 mph suddenly going 273 mph has to be because of the person their trying to hit tampered them.

I tried hiking for the view, and I encountered a wild polar bear, in mexico; this doesn’t sound probable, I know, and it was most likely an escaped zoo animal. So here's my rebuttal for that, have you ever seen a 10 meter tall bear, while it’s on all 4 legs, with glowing claws that crushed through the rocks? No? Well then you can understand my shock at the stupidity of the encounter; upside of the confrontation, I now have a warm bear pelt coat for winter, and it is fluffy beyond compare.

I decided to join the army because if stupid things are going to happen I might as well use a gun, that was the plan, what actually happened was I somehow always got a round that backfired on me. Though I never actually fired it because a smart ass took the gun I was gunning for; he died for his transgression. From the gun, I never touched him.

After the next 5 backfires, I was paid not to touch any firearm from our side. After the thousands of near-death experiences that was bootcamp, I thought I was ready for whatever was thrown my way during my campaign.

Thus my weekly experience turned into hourly, which is not good for my health, nor my squadmates.

Thankfully, by some stupid grace, none of my squadmates were killed, critically injured maybe, but never outright killed.

After my seeming nack for backfiring weapons was noticed by the higher ups, I was sent out on sabotage missions. So it’s understandable when you are trapped inside of a skyscraper with multiple armies and militias all outside with the sole purpose of eliminating me. It was quite good that I got to all of the armories to make their weapons “work” at optimum efficiency, although I did dig the 10 mile tunnel straight down in 10 days  for a reason.

Explosions are fun to watch, but hundreds of explosions, plus ballistic missiles, that’s a big no-no; because I don’t want to be within the blast radius.

After my retirement from the military, a long 10 years of constant attempts on my life, I disappeared from the rest of the world. I found a nice little island in the middle of the ocean, with plenty of food and clean water. I set up a little house within the mountain side, and lived the rest of my life fighting giant mutant dinosaurs.

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

Shocking right? At first it was basically chaos, but once I got into the routine it became child's play. ALSO, after way too many near-death experiences I managed to create a special art that manipulated the world around me. It took me around 40 years just to get the hang of it, let alone blast a dinosaur into the statishere; which was around 65 years, and by accident.

So after I discovered that the phone I had, which had a lifetime warranty, was no longer compatible with the internet, I returned to society.

Boy howdy, if you think that if you don’t update your phone every 5 years it’s useless, try finding out that society has basically transcended stupidity.

So apparently all of the smart scientists in the world got together, and exported every stupid person on the planet to the now terraformed mars, to work in the mines and make jokes for everyone on earth to enjoy. I was joking on the joke parts, but serious on the mines thing.

Oh, and my trait for attracting disasters to myself appeared again, only it was my the minute, I would’ve been dissolved by the constant acid rain, bullet rain, taser fire, napalm, hand grenades, and cows before I could even say “You’re all a bunch of A holes”; luckly I had my new mystical shield of protection that I created from all my hard accidental training on the island, so nothing actually hurt me.

Except the cows, which actually didn’t mean me harm, they were just running away from the Bull....lets.

So, after a update to a non-explosive phone, which is harder than you may think, I returned to my island, took everything I left, and went to the next habitable island I could find, as my curse seemed to actually make the island start to sink.

Giant Turtles, who’da thunk they’d like to carry around islands with dinosaurs.

So I found my next habitable island, which conveniently had a nice abandoned house with internet connection. I then promptly left the island the next day when I saw a private cruise ship sail into the bay; not that I wanted to stay inside of a burned down metal shell.

Seriously, how does a spark from the toilet flushing light the curtain by the window, burning through the metal wall, setting the entire outside on fire in under a minute, and the sprinklers were only on for about half a second before the water pump evacuated the building; and how the hell does a regular toilet generate a spark!! It’s understandable if it was a toilet that had electronics installed, but a regular toilet?

So, for the next 30 years I wandered from island to island, and apparently if I stay on the water for longer than a week, a waternado starts to form; it’s like a waterspout and a tornado had a baby, than that baby had a kid with the kid whose parents are a hurricane and a tsunami; not fun.

So by the time that I was, i don’t know, 142...137 minimum… I don’t know, I finally decided, Hey let's just kill myself just to spite the person trying to obliterate.

KIDDING, I created a cryogenic freeze tank thing out of rocks and ice, tested it on multiple subjects, and successfully prolonged my life until science had advanced so far that they had cured death; the sample’s compliance was unnecessary as they had no choice in the matter.

So after waking from my nap every 200 or so years to check on the world’s progress. After about 5 times, I found that the world nuked itself back to the iron age.

So that is how I reinvented all the science and other important things in the world, like how to raise cattle right, or farm wheat, or grow tomatoes, or make a stone furnace, or make pizza. Thankfully I learned how to manipulate the energy, otherwise I’d look like an old crone, I didn’t look a day over 80...I was quite old by this time.

So after jumpstarting the world back to the internet, I once again started to be plagued with life killing things, therefore I found that the internet was trying to kill me….or something wanted to kill me, but could only use the internet to manipulate things.

To solve this I froze myself and waited for the world to reset, which took quite some time, as the world was taught by me.

My life finally ended when I got tired of living, so I set up a giant mechanical worm thing, which then ate the planet’s population, put them in cryostasis,  ate the core, then went into space, where it promptly went to another galaxy in search for a habitable planet.

I meanwhile blew up the rock that was my planet with me on it, but not after fighting off the weird alien things that kept popping out of thin air, and deleting a system which tried to assimilate the planet. I’m being serious, I had to kill like, a billion of the things, it was weird.

Like really really weird. Especially the system thing, you might not have known it, but it’s a giant perv, they all are apparently; though the one I got was a lot better than a hamster got… I don’t know why a hamster, but they system explained all screens have the same basic template...then I blew it up.

The End………………………………………… ………………................................................................ .................. ..............  .......... ...... .... ....... ............................................... ............................. ............................. ........ ............. 

Not, I opened my eyes to find myself in a… weird cloud place, with a big fugly buff dude with nothing on but a jock strap sitting on a ton of bent, broken weapons and armor. Not to mention the obligatory buff strippers who wore see-through clothes and wore waaaaaaaaayy too much makeup, like think of the people who cake their face with makeup, now add at least 3 inches to that, then put that on a really buff woman.

The fugly dude started to monologue about how I gave him troubles for not dieing the first time, about how he was a god of war,  and how I, as his chosen “hero” should be down on my knees and kissing his feet for making me into his personal slave. Just as I was about to go and slap his fugly face into the handsome one it should be, my vision suddenly changed to looking through a see-through material, and my fist that was going for the fugly dude’s face had disappeared, along with the rest of my body; which was replaced by a gaseous substance.

I don’t remember much during my time in the Jar, just that there were zillions of little lights where they kept us. Then my sight turned black, then after a long time, to a brilliant white.

“Ugh, my head” yes I know I didn’t have a head as technically I was a ball of gas and light, but it’s a figure of speech.I was inside this perfect white, sterile room, with an old looking guy with an amazing silver, scruffy  beard. And for some reason I get the strange feeling that I’m going to repeat information already know, so I won’t.

So after an all too brief explanation for my purpose, once again lost consciousness.