“Oh, come on, dude.” He rolled over and stared at the bright red numbers glaring at him from the bedside. “What fresh hell is this?”
He got up and stretched. This vessel seemed stronger than the last, at least. Younger. Well, nearing middle aged but the last one had been rode hard and put away wet.
“Sleep well?” Came a voice from the corner.
“Not. Again. You said I was done. Promised, in fact,” the man seethed. He was a veteran, he had earned his retirement, damnit. Yet here he was again, new suit new shoes probably same old job. He glared at the ugly spotted mushroom in the corner. He could never figure out how it managed to look so smug with no face.
“Well, I thought you might like one more for the road. A farewell tour, if you like,” the God-Shroom bubbled. “One last chance to save it before I blow it all to smithereens.”
The man paced. His head was throbbing even though he couldn’t feel pain. He didn’t really care if the whole universe went up in smoke. All these hairless apes did was run around and throw feces at each other and argue and start wars. He wasn’t sure how much time had passed since his last ‘farewell tour’ but some things never change.
“80 years,” the hideous mushroom stated. “Since that time there was yet another World War, they invented nukes, countless other wars, civil wars, civil disputes, civil unrest, civil disobedience, civil rights movements, you know, the usual.” He puffed at his pipe. “They never seem to learn.”
This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
“And they never will so why the fuck am I back on this shitty planet?” He wanted to throttle the mottled hunk of fungus.
“Like I said, farewell tour. This time around your name is Clement Bernard, you are a 43 year old American corporate lawyer-”
“Back the fuck up. Lawyer? I don’t think so. Clement? Just no. No to all of it. I’m out. One farewell tour was enough”
“I was afraid you’d say that so here’s the deal-you can’t die. No bullets, no fancy enchanted daggers, no nukes, no poisons, only I can say when you’re done. Deal? Oh- and no one has ever quit after just one farewell tour.”
“That is the second time you’ve said nukes, what does it mean?”
“Oh, during WWII, that’s the second world war, you’ll learn about that, it was fun, the apes figured out nuclear fission.”
“Christ”
“Hey, you’re not supposed to take your own name in vain! Or something. Anyway, gotta go. Your cell is on the dresser. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. Toodles!” There was a pop as the God-Shroom vanished.
The man walked over to the dresser hoping to find whatever this “cell” thing was. A device lit up and an electronic voice chirped “Good morning, Mitchell. You have one new text message and zero missed calls.”
He picked it up, it was much more sleek and elegant than anything he’d seen on his last go round. The apes were anything if not innovative. He tapped the message notification
Fun Guy: U r gonna luv txtng. Ur # is 867-5309 lol ttyl
Fun Guy: Bt dubs how do u like Mitchell Tate? 2 late its urs
Mitchell sighed, rummaged through drawers, dressed himself in one of the 25 identical gray suits hanging in the closet and walked out of the bedroom to see what kind of hellhole the Shroom set up for his living quarters.