My name is Senki Notsuka, and the beginning of the endless struggle started around the time I was 13. My family wasn't very wealthy, in fact it's accurate to say we were very poor. My mom came down with an illness that was very hard to treat, and my dad had been crippled from his time in the service. Mom had been earning the extra money we needed that we weren't getting from the military. Mom’s illness set our income back pretty bad, and then we had to add on the hospital bills on top of that. My twin younger sisters were just starting Elementary School and as the oldest I was half of the way through my last year of Middle School. Because the youngest you can legally work where I live was 14, I had my first experience with helplessness. I knew that I was the only one who had the physical capabilities to work, but I was not allowed to. As the oldest I felt it was my responsibility to help my parents and take care of my sisters, but this was not something a 13 year old could accomplish.

We struggled through the rest of that year saving as much as possible and eating less and less. As time went on we just completely ran out of money to spend, and had to go days without eating at times. Finally as April approached so did my birthday. On the 25th I finally turned 14. Instead of waking up my parents and getting excited over the presents I got up early and went out on my own to look for work. It was pouring rain but I didn't care. I was rejected all across town with people wondering why a wet and cold 14 year old kid was desperately trying to get a job. I went around for hours until finally I found a job that would actually consider me.

I began to make some money but it still was not enough, although, at least we weren't having to go multiple days without eating anymore. Through this time I realized the value of knowledge and expertise because having those things seemingly increased your value to others, and incentivized them to pay you more. So on top of working as much as possible, I studied as hard as possible and continued to get smarter to earn money for my family. I slowly managed to get a higher and higher income as time went on. The big problem was my mom's hospital bills, since it was always just too much no matter how hard we tried. They were giving us a lot of leeway and taking our situation into account, but that didn’t mean that the debt wasn't piling up. We knew this but there was nothing we could do. The years went on and I graduated Highschool with honors as the top student of the year, proficient in all the sciences. I continued my studies at university since my grades and performance were good enough to get me a full ride to a mid range university. As I got more qualifications and money it seemed like my mom’s condition would just get worse and worse, and the treatment cost would go up and up. It was as if life was spitting in my face and saying whatever you do is not enough.

I was called into the hospital one day. They told me that my mothers condition had worsened to the point that they were considering letting her go. They said that they couldn't do anything for her. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I begged and pleaded with them to find a way for them to help my mom, but as I continued they seemed to become more and more disgusted. Then I heard one of them mutter under their breath, “How dare this rat beg like this, does he know how much debt he has?” In the midst of my mothers life hanging in the balance all these people would think about was money. I researched her illness on my own, and found that there was definitely a treatment that could save her. The treatment was a fair bit more expensive than the current treatment agreed upon, but since I had already accumulated so much debt they didn't want to switch to it because I might not be able to pay them. That night I laughed and cried myself to sleep over the absurdity of this world, and how it punishes persistence and struggling in the face of absolutes. If you're born to fail, then the world expects you to fail. If you go against that flow you get shoved back. This reality became clear before my eyes.

Pretty soon they let my mom die. They refused to treat her because of my debt. I took this to court but nothing came of it, still I tried every method I knew but no one cared in the slightest. The only thing holding me to this world now was my dad and my two precious sisters. I was only able to get up for them, and only able to go to work because of them. I trudge along like that for a while with days blending together.

A month after my Mom passed away I got up like any normal day. I paid respects to my mothers altar, and checked on my sisters who were still sound asleep in their beds. As I prepared myself a lunch for the day I felt odd, like today was not going to go well. I chalked it up to me feeling off as it was my mothers one month anniversary. The day went on, and by the end of it I wish I had paid more attention to that feeling because I got a call that ruined whatever was left of me to ruin. My sisters had been raped and killed.

The offenders were not charged with anything because of the fact that their parents have high social status. I pushed this to court, and again tried everything I could drawing on all the resources and skills I had gained through my war of a life. But again the result was the same.

Nothing.

No one cares.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

Everyone just pretends not to see.

“What’s the point…” I mutter as I write.

Here I am writing down my life story right before following my dad, who killed himself just days ago. At this point it didn't come as a surprise and I almost felt envious, so here I am.

This is the record of my despair and struggle.

I sigh deeply, “I don't even know if I want there to be anything else after this, I'm just so tired” I set the book down on the cold sand. I look around and see that it's late now. I’ve been writing for hours sitting on this beach, and the sun has gone down past the horizon. There are only a few random teenagers left on the beach laughing and having a good time. The lights of the city in the background cast long shadows across the sand as I sit in the darkness. Finally after I've steeled my resolve I begin to walk out into the water. The chill of the water hardly affected me at all. I continue out farther and farther until I begin swimming and go a ways out until the water is deep underneath me. Then I let go.

I begin to drop through the water letting out my last breath as I go. Deeper and deeper I sink, while fading away from the accursed world above. The world that took away everything I cared about and loved, slowly and painfully while I struggled against it. But none of that mattered now that I no longer had a purpose in this life. If only I could find the god that governed this world and give him a piece of what he deserved.

“Oh my little Notsuka…” The voice of my mother rings through my head, while a searing pain follows. My eyes snap open, and I begin struggling to swim back up. Not a second later I remember reality, and my arms stop once more.

The pain hits again but stronger this time. “You’ve done so well, I'm so proud of you” My heart aches and tears flow out into the salt water. “I'm sorry mom I can’t do it anymore, I tried for so long but this world doesn’t want us to have a place in it.”

“KEEP GOING, I BELIEVE IN YOU” My ears burst from the pressure, as the words my mother would always send me off with ring through my brain louder than any explosion. My body which I thought was long devoid of all strength, being on the edge of death, erupts with power as I sprint for the surface. “How could I forget," My brain begins to flurry. "how could I lose hope, WHEN NOT FOR ONE SECOND DID I EVER SEE HER FROWN OR LOSE HOPE IN ME. I'VE BEEN PITIFUL AND I FORGOT WHAT YOU TOLD ME EVERY TIME I SAW YOU.” My brain has gone into overdrive remembering everything my mom has ever said. Images and moments fly by my mind, filling me with strength as I push back against my screaming, oxygen deprived body. I know there isn't hope for me to get to the top or survive, but that's not the point because right now I am alive and I can still move so I'm going to move. My limbs have long since gone numb, and are turning all sorts of strange colors. Still the movement of my arms pushing me upwards never ceases. I am pushing against the fates of this world with all I have.

Even with all this, it’s still just that same bleak reality I've always lived in. Even though my will to move and push forward did not waiver for even one second, eventually my arms did stop. The world was too strong, or was I just too weak? Whichever it may be, after those frustrating seconds of wanting my body to move and it finally not complying with my wishes, I began to lose consciousness. “Sorry mom, I realized too late, this one is on me.”

I continue to fade

farther and further into the darkness

Until there is nothing left

No light, no feeling, no thoughts, just stagnation.

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“What a pity” The ethereal voice said as Senki’s consciousness drifted through endless space. “He began to shine so brightly at the end” The voice paused, as it seemed to be thinking something over. “Maybe it would be fun to give this kid a second chance”.