Why?

Why did I give up my feelings and desires for the sake of being someone else's toy? Living other people's lives while stifling my natural instincts. Renouncing every last ounce of what made me myself. Abiding by other people's rules, because I was told that's the right thing to do.

Why did I voluntarily enslave myself? Why did I work for other people's success?

I even deprived myself of the energy to rebel. Even if I wanted to do so, my mind would not let me. All of this was not forced upon me. It was out of my own volition.

The air was fresh, and scarlet traffic lights shined intensely, craving for my attention which, might I add, I wasn't intending to deliver. It came to a point where nothing could faze me. I don't care what's about to happen.

Just like that, I walked past the other people, calmly continuing my usual way home, except this time I didn't care about what stood in my way; or if I stood in someone's way.

A cacophony of cars breaking with a shriek and honking arose all around me like I was inside a machine.

Apathy and inability to live with myself make my life unbearable. That's why if God existed, I could say I entrust my life to him. Whatever happens from now on, I don't mind it. I just don't care.

Soon enough one of the crosswalks on the way to my pitiful apartment was behind me. That did not get me much closer to my destination. In this enormous, colorless metropolis everything is far from each other.  A human can't help but feel like an ant when crossing one street can take even half a minute.

I steadily keep moving forward, with no regard for other people scowling at me. Makes sense that they'd despise me. To them I am only a disruption of the status quo, breaking every convention possible during my stroll. Again – I just don't care.

When I got to the next crossing I didn't even raise my gaze to see which color appeared on the traffic lights. I just trudged forward, once again enveloped by various sounds of vehicles around me. Someone even shouted at me in fury.

And so, just when I thought I had passed the road avoiding any problems, it came. A truck heading right towards me. Its driver – a young man with a phone in his hand – was only aware of the situation when just a few meters away. It's far too late to react, so he doesn't. Not even a shriek of breaking could be heard. It's good. I'll pass out in silence, and without excessive pain. Hopefully.

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***

BEEP BEEP BEEP

Shut that damn thing off. I can't sleep because of it.

BEEEEEEEEP

"We're losing him! Get the defibrillator!"

No, stop. I want to sleep.

"Shocking in 3, 2, 1!"

A Jolt of pain surged through my body as electricity shocked me.

Oh, fuck… Am I dying?

My survival instincts kicked in, and the images of my miserable life flashed before my eyes. Was this supposed to make me want to live? It only made me feel worse. And yet, as I reached further and further into the depths of my mind, retrieving the most distant of memories, I saw it – The time and place where I've been truly happy, visualized itself before me.

I felt the warmth of my mom's hugs. The excitement of getting to know such a huge world. The smell of freshly washed bed sheets in my bed. The anticipation for finding my aptitude – A talent that would make me shine brighter than the largest of stars! And in the end, the happiness of coming up with my own stories. Playing out characters' roles in my mind, and seeing them more clearly than any movie could ever portray.

So that's what it's like to live.

Of course, in the end, I attained none of the things I expected from life back then. Only pain and suffering. And when even that was too much, I was left with nothing but apathy.

But now I know.

It's my fault. If only I had made better life choices, if only I listened to my heart, I would be happy. Maybe I would be hungry. Maybe I would be dying right now. But I would have the capacity to feel. And in between my cries, I would have the tenacity to stand up and keep trudging forward with satisfaction and pride.

If only…

No! As long as I'm alive there's still a chance. I want to live! I want to feel again, even if in the end it costs me my life! I will quit my job! I have some money saved up, and if I sell my apartment, perhaps I can afford a small home outside of this damned city!

I will get an easier job. Something with far smaller pay, but less taxing on my mind. When I have free time, I will sit in my room and write stories! That's my childhood dream after all. A dream I've completely forgotten about, until now. On weekends I will go outside and spend at least half a day laying on the ground basking in the sun and daydreaming. If that plan doesn't work, I'll figure something out. But I'm going to live for myself.

There's only one problem; I don't feel my heartbeat. I had completely blacked out. I wonder how I'm still conscious.

God, please help me. Make my heart start beating. I need to live.

Now that I came through a katharsis like that I need to keep going forward. Even if for just a bit. I want to feel the fresh air again. At least once more.

Please, God, help me.

Please,

THUMP

THUMP THUMP

***

I finally left the hospital today. I'm so excited I really can't wait for my new life! This time I will be fearless! I will be powerful! But first I need to get stronger, both mentally and physically! And what better way to do that, than to run my way back home?

Sure, I recently had a near-death experience, but I feel very healthy. I even worked out in the hospital. I could handle a little jog.

So I started running. It felt good. Very good. Even the sun appeared in between the dark clouds. At least once. The sky is always morose in this city, but today it's beautiful. I ran slowly, but I was so in awe, I couldn't avert my gaze from the beautiful sky.

It's the first time I really look up to my future.

I realized that if you smile at the world, the world smiles back.

I grinned at the sun, so it knows how much I appreciate it. For a second, I swear I saw the sun smile back, but then the shrill sound of a breaking truck pierced through my ears once more, and I was sent flying from the impact.