“Tremble before me mortals, as I have become invincible!”

Standing atop the bar counter, a weird shark-mouthed individual holds a bottle of sake in its prehensile tail while cutlery knives float around it and it waves a bowl of noodles around. Kiba Oppai wasn’t sure what exactly was the proper custom around here, as he had reincarnated into the body of a weak noble without all the memories, but he was pretty sure that the tables and bar weren’t for dancing on.

Deciding to ignore it, he turned back to his bowl of soup. It was one of the most expensive ones served at this place, full of Rank Three Beast meat to allow for faster cultivation. Even with a weak body, the power of money was going to be enough to offset his starting disadvantage. That is, until a noodle floats out of the bowl up to the bar and into the creature’s bowl. Rude!

“I challenge you to a duel!”

Following the declaration, he pulls off a glove and throws it at the one on the bar, smacking it directly in the face. Spinning its arms wildly, it throws the bowl into the air as it falls backward into the bartender area. Of course, it lands directly on his head.

Apparently the bowl was full of rum.

“I accept, and choose my human as my representative,” came the response from the floor.

Ah. Representatives. That would have been good to know about thirty seconds earlier. That creature looked to be a flailing buffon, but the person that steps forward out of the shadows wearing dark angular armor, and a black sphere of a helmet, had a much more imposing presence. Quickly, he stands and backs away toward the door.

“As my attire is now somewhat lacking, I shall take my leave. My second will contact yours about the terms of -”

Before he could finish his sentence and run away, the person pushes him into the street, following as they close the door.

“No need to be hasty, this is neither the time nor the place for any such -”

“Shut up and get your weapon ready,” came a surprisingly feminine voice from the suit, “You insult my master, you pay the price.”

If only he had such a loyal servant. Unfortunately he had neither the time to build his strength nor the overpowered weapon to fight himself now. If he could return to the family holdings, he had a swarm of other people’s bodyguards he could appropriate for a minute with no one being the wiser, but as it stood it was better had he never been hit by the truck in the first place.

Not that being hit by a truck was his original plan of action anyway.

“Hold on, we haven’t even set the rule of engagement.”

“Come at me.”

“I choose as my weapon… trading card.”

“I choose fist.”

“No, the weapons have to be the same.”

“Then put ‘em up.”

“I chose first, get your deck.”

They stand there a moment, deciding what to do. Without turning around, the armored figure moonwalks back to the door and opens it.

“Hey, I need a trading card deck.”

The rest of the exchanged he was unable to hear, but that was fine. It looked like they had taken the bait, and if there was one thing this noble lifestyle provided it was enough money to build a completely op deck of cards. Black lotus? Three. Blue Eyes White Dragon? Four. Turn one Ultimate Blue Eyes? Guaranteed with the one mana card draw cards filling the deck, and with library letting him stack the deck, he could play two revives and get two of them on turn one for an instant win with a bit of luck.

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Somehow while he wasn’t looking the helmet had come off, and the lack of obstruction made it obvious that this was a female under all that armor. After this, he was going to have to have a talk with her about switching her allegiance to a less depraved master.

Said master, wearing the helmet, came flying out the window of the card shop three doors down. It took off the headgear and rolled it up to his opponent without standing from the position it had gotten thrown, legs splayed in the air and tail wrapped around a pole. It yells at him, “Don’t pay me any attention, just do what you’re doing.”

Stopping the rolling ball with her foot, the girl in front of him bends over to pick up the helmet. The armor is well fitted, and Kiba Oppai is unable to get a glimpse of anything. Reaching into the ball, she pulls out a basic starter deck and gestured for him to start.

“We need a table before we can -”

She puts the helmet on, and kicks down the bar door. Several seconds later a table crashes through the window followed by two chairs.

Fortunately, Kiba Oppai is protected from the shattering glass by protagonist correction.

By the time his opponent gets back, he had already stacked his deck and placed it on the table. She apparently knew enough about the game to cut his cards before they started, but she neglected to shuffle them. As such, it was exactly how he wanted the cards to be arranged.

“As the challenged, I claim to right to the first move,” she declares, not even taking the cards out of the box.

“Fine, just get on with it, I’ve already drawn my hand.”

And it was a perfect hand too. A Black Lotus to get the combo started, a ‘pay to draw x’, a reaction to drawing cards that gave mana, a re-spell, and a fusion for when he’d gotten all the cards he needed. He wouldn’t need as much setup if he didn’t need a specific card that allowed any fusion monster to act without summoning sickness, but this was the price one paid for turn one victory. If she’d just get on with her turn, he could come out of this, pride and body intact.

Unfortunately, she seemed determined to be as slow about this as possible. It had already been thirty seconds and she was still trying to get the box open. Granted, she was wearing gauntlets so that was actually reasonable, but it did not seem like this was going to go quickly. Back by the card shop, the shopkeeper had realized the douchecanoe had stolen a full deck and was chasing it with a broom. The two ran off down an alleyway.

“How about you take off the gauntlets to make that easier?”

His only response was her glaring at him. She continued making eye contact as she pulled at the box tab, making even less progress than before due to not looking at what she was doing at all. At this rate it might have been easier and faster to just have accepted getting beaten in the street. Now there was a crowd gathering.

And still the box was unopened. He was half-tempted to take the box himself and open for her, but he would also rather not be punched in the face.

“Would you like to make this more interesting?” he asked, leaning forward onto the table. Laying his cards down to free up his hand, he rests his head on his palm as he lowers his head to below her eye-line. “If you manage to get the box open in the next -”

And once again he is unable to finish a sentence before she rips the lid off the box and dumps the cards on the table. So violent.

“May I?” he asks, gesturing to the spread of cards covering the entire surface. She continues glaring, but doesn’t move to stop him as he gathers up the pieces of paper to shuffle them. Keeping his expression neutral, he checks the cards as he shuffles. Standard deck, not exactly good. Stone Soldiers, some mill, and a few growth cards, but nothing interesting. The things sold in shops usually weren’t exactly optimized. Cutting the deck in thirds, he does a quick three card monte for the crowd, waiting for her to tap to place the segments in order. As she didn’t seem to get it, he gives up after thirty seconds and just puts the deck together at random.

Now it was just a matter of waiting for her to draw and play, at which point he’d just win.

…

……

………

……

…

Right, the gauntlets.

…

…

…

This could take a while. From the rooftops, there was a honking. Figuring it was a goose of some sort, he waits for a moment before looking up, because geese were dangerous and would attack things that move suddenly. Instead, it was truck-kun, pink eyes sparkling as she drove directly at him from above, with the creature in the driver’s seat.

Kiba Oppai’s last thought was ‘How could this happen twice, this setting doesn’t even have trucks?’