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Chapter I: The Hattening
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You have been reincarnated…
Resolving error…
I sit upon a table as someone vigorously moves a needle and thread through me. It feels as if I am receiving a massage from a goddess, yet the hands are firm, old, and wrinkly. Not my cup of tea, if you know what I mean, but there isn’t much that I can do about it; I am a fucking top hat, for better or for worse.
Though, it's interesting how I came to be. Well, the whole reincarnation thing is interesting, although not so much my death prior to being reincarnated. My death, umm…
Not my proudest final moment, that's for sure. I wish there were a way to get rid of these memories, but I can't help myself but to stew in them as I am transformed into a ridiculous piece of headwear.
I remember it as if it were yesterday, and as far as I'm concerned, it was yesterday. High in the sky, roughly twenty thousand feet, was me. Oh yeah, I was that guy, the adrenaline junky. Jumping out of planes was what I lived for, amongst other things. I lived for the rush, and it always felt like it was never enough. But jumping out of a plane was the ultimate high for me. I became so comfortable doing it, though, that on my last day, I forgot to pull my parachute. Yeah…
I went splat.
The tale has been illicitly lifted; should you spot it on Amazon, report the violation.
It was not my best moment, and certainly not my smartest moment either. However, part of me feels especially bad about where I died. It didn't occur to me till now, but I turned to paste right in the middle of an intersection at a school.
I'm probably imagining things, but I swear as I was falling, one kid pointed and asked his mom at the crosswalk, ‘Mommy, why is that silly man falling from that sky?’
*Ring-a-ding* *Ring-a-ding*
"Welcome, Sir Markese Alveraz the 3rd! Your top hat is almost done. I am just now putting on the final touches!"
"Pip pip cap, very nice! I'll just sip my tea here in the waiting room and read the paper whilst you tally ho."
Well, that guy looks so well-dressed that he comes off as a total jackass. I hope I’m wrong. Please, don't tell me I'm going to be sold to him. Old man, if you hear me, just finish this massage, and place me on a shelf for eternity to come... As much as I want some action and adventure, I think this new life should be more relaxed.
You have been reincarnated as a Top hat
No shit, I could have guessed that much… What is this supposed to be, some kind of video game? Pretty fucking lame if you asked me. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm a top hat; no one’s going to be asking me shit. Wait, how can a top hat feel or see anything?
"Sir Alveraz, your hat is done! Please come try it on."
"You're going to make me stand?! You come here with it instead… Hurry now!"
"Yes, sir!"
Oh god, I'm really going to be placed on top of that nasty, old, sore-infested scalp. If there were a way to fold my brims up and away, I totally would. No! Put me down right now old man!
"Oi, this is a perfect fit, my lad. It feels quite comfortable too! However, purple is not my color…"
Yes! It sounds like he's not going to buy me. The sooner I get off this nasty old man's head, the better. My peaceful shelf time is soon to come, I'm sure of it!
"But, Sir, the hat is made of the highest quality fabrics. The fur composing most of the hat comes from the last known existing purple plops penguin. It is truly a one-of-a-kind, with no comparison!"
Wow, now killing animals is just wrong. The fact that my existence caused something to go extinct is just, depressing…
"Hmmm, in that case, I'll take it!"
No! Fuck me, man… Where are the civil rights for hats?!
*Cling* *Cling* *Cling*
"Oh, sir, you are too generous. Thank you."
"Oi, spend that extra coin on getting rid of that ugly mole on your face. Makes me sick looking at it."
"Yes, sir…"
Something tells me I’m going to have a bad time…
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