A useless person.
Graduating high school and applying to college that is the extend of my accomplishments.I don't even attend my lectures.I did for about two weeks and then stopped.
At 18 I got in a heavy depression I don't even know why that is.After that I became heavily asocial not that i can't communicate with people, it is just that I don't like to.I was fairly popular in high school if i do say so myself.
After I got over my depression or should I say got out if my self-pitying phase and accepted that there is no reason to live and that I just had to.I went ahead and started searching for any and all kinds of ‘safe’ entertainment, meaning in my home on my computer.
That is not only justifying me being a NEET and a shut-in , it's the truth, me not going out and jumping of a bridge or searching for some cheap thrill of life doing something dangerous is a favour to my mother I mean she has enough on her plate with having to support me and all that.
Well that could be me selfish.Yeah probably me being selfing.Yes definitely me being selfish.There are a lot of people with the same and way worse circumstances yet they continue living and even struggle to survive but here I am whining about living a perfectly comfortable life.I guess that what depression is all about.Not that I have any real knowledge on the subject.
So wallowing in my bedroom all day long I repeat the same thing every day with a subtle difference.Except the small changes like food there are two big ones I call them phases.The first one is the Fantasy phase, this one continues about two or three weeks where I search around for media that is a fantasy like or one that can not be in real life it is my means to escape reality my only crutch and coping method.
Seeing myself in a situation that brings the best outcome for me is nice.My favorite of the Fantasy phase is stories about immortality for that is the reason I got depressed in the first place, the fear of death and the jumbled thought of “If I am going to die anyway why must I do this or that?”.Life before civilization might have been better for me. “I live to survive” “ I live to procreate”
People back then had the instinct to live and even when civilization was just formed, it didn’t just die out.There were other things to threaten your life-like “We have to expand to have enough food” “We have to protect ourselves from the neighboring tribe/country/empire”.There was always a HAVE TO but now what do you have to do , why must you do it?
They say you have to work because you must have money for food.I say bull fucking shit.Do you know how fucking hard it is to die of hunger in a first world country you would have to be fucking stupid to do so.I mean It would be an achievement in on itself.Not that I have any experience being homeless and hungry but still.
Anyway as life is now I could find no meaning to it if you would die anyways that is why I felt inclined to read stories about immortals there would be a meaning in that as you would have to live in the situation you place yourself for eternity.
That aside the second phase was Lust.That was the most apt name I could give it.A period of time I have little recollection of but I know that in was filled media that anyone below 18 should not look for or at.Not that anyone would listen.
Well I watched a lot of weird and really weird stuff that mainly came from Japan as media for a teenager searching for fantasy Japan would come on top and influenced by that I stepped in a realm I should not have.I should tell you in this time my asociality may have evolved in misanthropy.
2 years have passed in this phase my twentieth birthday coming up so are my finals that I have no clue what I am going to do as I not touched a book to study you would think I would pick up a book that would increase my knowledge apparently I am not that depressed.Oh I am majoring philosophy, imagine that.What a joke.
Yesterday I got a call from I girl who is in my major asking me why I didn’t go and offered to help me pass my exams.Apparently I was such a pitiful existence that she just couldn't leave me alone.Well of course she didn't say that but I thought such.
I was going to decline but still I am not so bad of a person. Someone trying to actively help me even telling me that she would just send me stuff to cheat with. It's not like I had anything to do anyway.
Walking down the hallway trying to remember if I have been here before, probably have.To my right was the girl who was going to help me , but I forgot all the details I mean when you have no interest in the information it's really hard to retain it.
“So what were we doing again?”
“We are going to the psychology professor there are online test that you haven't done so we are going to ask her to unlock them for you so you can make them.I have all the answers so no worries”
Probably answering the same question for a third time, well not in a short span of time I mean I asked her twice yesterday and today once but still a person would be tired of answering the same thing over and over but as I look at her there was no indication of such.
Her looks were at best average or below, to be honest I don’t care enough to judge.If someone heard me, they would say “good on you, you are not a shallow person”. Well they would be wrong it is not that I don't care how a person looks. I don’t care enough in general to bother with judging them.
Hmm psychology if I explain what I am dealing with she may be more lenient I mean with her having the qualification of psychiatrist and all.But still this is the first time learning that I have a psychology class, maybe not but I don’t remember. Selective memory and all.
Why am I reminiscing about all this? Ah yes in the next moment round the corner just few feet to the psychology professor's office. Before me is a scrawny little man who looks like has no confidence even in the steps he takes. Well not that I am one to talk. So why is this sort of person making such a scary face.
“KyaAAaAa”
Oh the girl screamed looking right the girl looks deathly pale.Mmm why would she scream? Oh my ears are ringing for some reason. Eh? How did I hear her scream maybe my brain just lied to me adding information that not there and all that.Was there something like that? Something is climbing my throat. What? Am I barfing? Why All of a sudden? No. that's not it. It's climbing too slow. Turning to the insecure dude he’s holding something.
“Why I even believed you! You said you would always be there for me! You lied to me. Writing with this psycho even going out the next day!”
Oh jealousy? Mm. He really is insecure. I thought he just looked like that. Anyway why hasn’t this girl stopped screaming and again with all the ringing that is happening.In the first place why is it so nosy isn't this place of learning.Ah yes the thing he is holding.Eh? Weird that looks like a gun. Hummm? Why would he have that?
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“Pffft”
Oh yeah the liquid climbing my throat. Oh its red. Mm? Blood! Why did I figure this out so fast? I felt my cognitive functions are slowed. So why? Instincts maybe. I thought i didn't have those. Well that would explain a lot of things the look back on my life, the constant screaming, the ringing noise, my slowed brain function, the gun pointed at me. Wait the last one should be the cause not something that is explained because I know I am bleeding.
“Hey are you ok? Please be okay. I don’t want to be the reason for you to die.”
“Stay away you whore.This is your fault , see even you know that. If only you didn’t go to another guy. Don’t go near him!!!”
The girl. What was her name again? Well never mind. She tried to come closer to help me. But still what a selfish reason not wanting me to die. I thought you were a better person with the helping and all. Maybe it was for self-gratification. Lets not judge on a single case. Yeah? She surely meant it in a good way. Not that I care either way.
The dude stopped her however. Eeeeh? What’s with the blaming someone else in this situation. First time seeing a real life yandere. I thought they were all female. Guess I was wrong.
Furthermore couldn't he follow the trend and go with a knife or something. I might have had a chance to dodge or something.Well not where he was standing right after the turn but still ,maybe he misses a major organ going for the stomach with the knife and I survive. A bullet to the chest is not that survivable. Or maybe it is. How should I know? Looks like it's near the heart. I think.
“Pfff”
I spit one more mouthful of blood. Well that I ain't gonna survive is quite obvious with the flashback and all. Do all dying people see that. Well fuck whomever designed it that way, I sure as hell didn't want to see my life. It was boring as hell.
Oh? I fell on my knees. Well for slowed cognitive functions I sure as hell thought of a lot of things. Wait maybe it's the other way around. I have slowed perception of time and my brain can't keep up.Mmm. That would explain things.
I started shivering. Am i cold? No, that's not it. Scared? Looking up I see the shivering dude. Am i scared by this shit head? No, that's not it. Death? Yeah apparently i am scared of death. Fuck that , I spent the last two years wanting to die and you are saying I am scared of death. Fuck that!
[Confirmed.Evolving skill [Stable mind] into skill [Unshakable mind]......Successful]
Ugh what?Am I being delusional. Well it's to be expected i am bleeding out after all. I look straight in the eye of the fuck face that killed me. Not gonna ask nothing , just look and look and look and look. The meaning of course ‘Why the fuck did you shoot me?’
“It your fault for trying to steal what is mine. You are to blame for your death.”
What a convenient way to look at things. So it was my fault. Was he really expecting me to be like “Oh okay.”. Idiot. What did I steal anyway. Looking to the right I remember , he was a yandere, this guy. Why did I forget in the first place. I guess busy dying and all. But I was a little pissed off. In the first place she was the one who called me , second is.
“I fucking hate NTR you stupid piece of shi-pfpfff”
Ah shouldn’t have been worked up. I felt like I was spitting a bucket of blood. Oh can’t keep on my knees. I’m falling. Looking at the shit face he looks regretful, well too late anyways. In the first place the reason a developed misanthropy is because of this. I know not who I hate more the stealing sons of bitches or the broken fucking whores.
I don’t know who I pissed of but when I was in the phase of lust when I was the horniest and the most worked up. I would always come upon a NTR. The first time as I was too worked up I didn’t pay in any mind but when I was what i was looking at after finished.I ran to the toilet and barfed until there was nothing in my stomach.
Well I know in the real world it is not like that.I think.I hope. I beg? Not that I am one to talk I mean being a proud hedonist. Well that’s the closest I can categorize myself as. If there is an asocial lazy hedonist that would be me.I know that moral character should trump base desire and all that, But as a person who quit going to lectures because of morals and ethics and can’t say much. I mean who the fuck are you to tell me what to do Socrates or whoever that was.
That is to say maybe I am as insecure as the fuck face but for the safety of others and myself I chose to stay to myself. My mother encouraged me to get into a relationship thinking it would have helped me out of my little world. But I just couldn’t. Not after what I have seen. I may have turned into the piece of shit I am looking at right now. Thank god I stayed at home.
If there was some way to know for sure that the woman would not betray you and would always be with you and would always help you with everything, I would be happy. But that’s just me being selfish again.
[Confirmed.Acquiring unique skill [You are Mine!]…… Successful]
Again with that? Well anyway I am dying huh? I always wanted to accomplish something but I just lied to myself. Because I was afraid that I would not be able to do it or that I wouldn’t have enough time.Something like a wood craftsman or a painter or something but I wanted to be a genius or something so that I don’t have to learn so much.Selfish again. I wanted to become a master craftsmen of anything , doesn’t matter what. Or maybe make an item that can do anything that would be nice.
[Confirmed. Acquiring skill [Genius Artisan]…… Successful]
[Confirmed. Acquiring skill [Master of all Craft]…… Successful]
[Confirmed .Acquiring skill [Peerless Enchanter]…… Successful]
Does everybody hear voices when they die.Well even if I wanted that, I lost my will too fast. I even lost my will to live. I blame evolution ,that the only thing I can blame. If I had the instinct to live maybe my life would have turned out another way. But that is not enough even if I had the instinct to live it would have been the same, I mean I kept myself alive under moral obligation. I want the instinct to improve to, to know what to do , to defend myself with the situation like shitbag here. I want an instinct for everything that can have an instinct.
[Confirmed.Acquiring skill [Survival Instinct]…… Successful.Continuing to evolve [Survival Instinct] into Unique skill [Primal Instinct]…… Successful]
Well would you look at that. I guess wishes come true but even I acquire something so great now, I am just a few seconds from dying.Well fuck.
I hope dipshit over here gets what coming to him. That was a redundant thought.
I hope mother won’t be sad that I died. She’ll probably be. She's that kind of selfish person. If someone close to her die she’d be sad. Or maybe that’s normal.Am I the weird one? I mean there are thousands of people dying every day. How am I special? It got dark. Goodnight.