Am I going to die….?

Up until now, I have thought this 15 times.

The first time this revolving lantern happened was when I was seven years old.

Drowning in the Okinawa sea, being swallowed by the waves, painfully, struggling and struggling, my feet unable to touch the bottom, seeing things above my head being pulled along forcefully by the waves. Pulled along by the water. Though I tried to breathe, all that entered my mouth was saltwater.

As I could do nothing but drink the saltwater, all sound suddenly disappeared. A gentle sensation, a warm sensation, and there was a feeling as if I was being completely embraced by something. It doesn't matter what you call it. I was enveloped in a relief that I had not felt until that moment.

It was just after that moment. The revolving lantern began to move. All the memories I had since my birth till then began to one by one flash through my mind.

It was the first time this happened. I felt no fear. I thought that surely I was going to die.

But I didn't die.

Thereafter, whenever I come close to death, the revolving lantern spins. In situations where I may die, such as traffic accident, a fight, it appears suddenly.

It has happened 15 times. That's a little much, perhaps.

I was a mischievous child. I had a tendency to face death.

When I drowned, I was terribly afraid. A part of the reason was, I think, that I was violently afraid of death. But at the same time, I was fascinated by death. I was caught by it. If I didn't try to go close to it, then I wouldn't see it. I wanted to go as close as I could to it because I wanted to examine it. That was the kind of boy that I was.

Because of this, I would intentionally do things that were dangerous. I did things many times that made me wonder if I would die. Of course, I was always scared, but when that moment drew near, I was always calm.

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Just a little more. Just a little more and I can maybe see the answer. That was the feeling. At that level, I couldn't die. If I was at that level, I could do it. I wanted to see more and more into the next world. There were times I'd cheer myself up by telling myself that.

For example, I loved bikes and when I was a teenager I would ride often. The city had a lot of curbs, and I think that at that time, I had a strange way of getting up on the curb [lit: attack]. I didn't have any skill, but I felt I could get up to that level. I really loved that feeling.

I was going faster and faster, and when I crossed over one area, there was a second when I saw everything in slow motion. That feeling lasted for a long time and it was as if I saw everything clearly. In that place that I crossed, surely something was there, and I wanted to see it. Because I wanted to savor that, I was reckless.

Until I saw the revolving lantern, I would continue to drive at things with all my might. When I can see the revolving lantern, it is the first time I have a consciousness of death. Then, I am in the place between life and death. Until I felt that, I could not do things to the fullest.

Now, I think, "That was strange." I was a dangerous child.

I sought death and I didn't know the meaning of life. What does it mean to live? Where can I find the value of my life and existence?

The funny part is that I didn't ever find out the meaning of my life into it was too late that's right i died

Hoped you guys enjoyed things get way darker in the next chapter should be up in an hour or two so look forward to that

also leave a comment below if you're confused.

Not even going to bother fixing the spacing since rr ruins it all anyways.