Chapter 16.

"What happened to me? Why did my painting turn out like this? Am I not a good painter? Am I not worthy of her beauty? Do I not deserve her love?"

"No, I don't deserve it. I'm a failure, a madman, a sick person. I've ruined my work, I've lost my muse, I've wasted my life. I have nothing, I am nothing, I'm worth nothing... goodbye."

"Painter"

Memoirs

Teruko Goto

Ritsu slipped down the hallway with his heart pounding. Shinji had lent him his reikiri key, a small tool that could open any lock with a click. He had also told him the girls' schedule, the time when they would all be out of their rooms, busy in their classes or practices.

He decided to go alone. He didn't want Shinji to accompany him, he didn't want anyone to see him. It was humiliating enough to have to talk to a girl, and especially her, without having witnesses on top of that.

He reached the hallway and stopped in front of the inner garden door. It was ajar, like that time. Ritsu remembered the first time he had seen her, half a year ago. He wondered why they let her have that freedom, why they didn't force her to follow the same classes as the rest of the girls.

Maybe because she was a prodigy, one of the best students in the academy. Or maybe because she had something to do with the director, the mysterious Mr. Igarashi, about whom no one knew anything.

Ritsu peeked through the crack and saw her. She was sitting in a carved oak chair, next to the artificial waterfall. The chair had intricate vines carved spiraling up the legs and back, ending in delicate intertwined leaves at the top.

Rei was absorbed in her reading, oblivious to the rest of the world, with an open book in her lap and her fingers, pale and thin like the petals of a lily under the moon, absently tracing the edges of the pages.

Despite sitting, it was noticeable that she was tall. Taller than last time. Ritsu had also grown, but not as much. That was normal, according to the anatomy professor. Girls bloomed earlier than boys, developed more quickly, but then stayed smaller. In contrast, boys continued to grow until they were eighteen or even beyond.

But it wasn't just her height that caught his attention. It was her beauty. She had skin pale as ivory, so clear that you could almost see the blue of the veins beneath it. Her eyes were black and deep like wells of midnight water, and her long, straight hair fell over her shoulders like a cascade of black silk.

He had seen beauties before, yes. Professor Hikari, for example, who had a sweet smile and green eyes that shone like emeralds. Or Secretary Aiko, who was cold and distant, but had a slender figure and red lips that attracted all eyes. Or Shiori, his friend, who was cheerful and fun, and had adorable freckles on her cheeks.

But none of them, not even all together, could even touch the perfection that Rei displayed before his eyes. She was a symphony apart, a melody that resonated at a unique frequency in the universe, was unsurpassed in her class. She transcended all comparison. Rei was special.

The agitated beating of his heart echoed in Ritsu's ears, while his tongue seemed to stick to his palate. His legs, barely able to support him, trembled like the branches of a tree shaken by the wind. Beads of sweat pearled his forehead, reflecting the anxiety that invaded him.

Fear, that unwanted companion, took over his chest, turning it into a tangled knot of uncertainty.

What was he going to say to her? How was he going to approach her? What was she going to think of him? What was she going to do with him?

He inhaled deeply, clinging to every molecule of air that filled his lungs, and gathered his courage in an act of will. A step forward, slow and stealthy, led him to the door that opened before him.

The place, flooded with the exuberance of plants and flowers of all imaginable varieties, emanated an intoxicating fragrance. The air was impregnated with the sweet perfume of jasmine and the revitalizing freshness of lavender. The soft and constant murmur of water in the nearby waterfall caressed his ears, granting him a balm for the soul.

Ritsu approached Rei's chair, trying not to make noise.

He stood beside her and cleared his throat.

"Excuse me..."

Rei looked up from the book she was holding in her hands and observed him with surprise. Her eyes, full of curiosity, seemed to seek answers in him, a stranger who had dared to interrupt her solitude.

"Who are you?"

He was left speechless.

He didn't know what to say.

How did he introduce himself to her? What excuse could he give her for being there? What did he really want from her?

"I... I'm Ritsu," he finally stammered. "Ritsu Akechi. I study at the academy, I'm of rank..."

"Brown," she interrupted him, pointing with a gesture to his robe.

Ritsu blushed to his ears upon hearing it. It was true, he was a brown rank, the lowest of all, the one nobody respected or admired. He was an intruder in that place, an impostor who had snuck in with the deluded hope of inviting a girl who surpassed him in everything.

At that moment, he wished to disappear. Or better yet, for the earth to swallow him. Or for a lightning bolt to strike him down. Anything that would free him from that embarrassing situation.

Rei let out a little laugh, which sounded like a bell. It was a crystalline and melodious laugh, which seemed to him the most beautiful thing he had ever heard in his life. A comforting warmth sprouted in his chest upon hearing it, although at the same time, a stab of pain pierced him.

Was she making fun of him? Of his pathetic rank, of his appearance, of his clumsiness?

"I... I'm sorry..." Ritsu mumbled, head down. "I shouldn't have come here. I didn't mean to bother you."

He turned around and tried to walk away, but before he could take a step, Rei spoke again.

"Wait, don't go," she said. "I'm not mocking your rank, it's just that you blushed like a tomato. It was very cute."

He stood there, mute and motionless like a statue, not knowing how to react.

Had she found him cute?

Had she liked his blush? What did that mean?

His mind was a whirlwind, unable to string two coherent thoughts together.

How should he proceed now?

The words got stuck in his throat.

Rei tilted her head and looked at him curiously, waiting for him to say something. A soft lock of dark hair fell over her eyes and she brushed it away with a casual gesture that he found irresistibly charming.

"Okay... and... I..." he began to babble, stammering like a small child. "I wanted to ask you something... if you... um... would..."

He fell silent, unable to continue. He looked away, tremendously embarrassed by his own clumsiness. His cheeks burned and his pulse quickened until it seemed like a hummingbird fluttering inside his chest.

"The Tsukimi festival is in a few weeks," he blurted out, looking at the ground. "I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go with me... you know, to see the moon and stuff..."

As soon as the words left his lips, Ritsu wished he could pluck them from the air and swallow them back.

They sounded terribly pathetic, even to his own ears.

What was he doing? How could he be so clumsy and so daring at the same time?

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He had never asked a girl out before, let alone one like her. Surely, she would mock him, or reject him with contempt. Or worse yet, ignore him completely, pretending he was invisible, insignificant.

But Rei did none of that.

On the contrary, her eyes lit up and a shy smile appeared on her lips.

"Are you really asking me?" she said, with a sweet and melancholic voice. "Don't you know what they say about me?"

He felt puzzled.

What did that have to do with his invitation?

What could they say about her that he didn't already know?

She was the most beautiful, most intelligent, most mysterious girl in the academy. The one who had bewitched him with her face.

The one who made him daydream and tremble with nerves.

"What do they say about you?" he asked, with a thread of voice.

Rei coughed, covering her mouth with her hands.

She looked fragile and delicate, like a flower about to wilt.

"They say I'm terribly sick, cursed," she whispered, looking away from him and fixing it on the waterfall that fell with finesse. "That I'm a witch and my blood is poisoned. That my skin is as pale as a ghost's and that I hide horrible dark circles under many layers of makeup."

Another violent coughing fit shook Rei's body. Ritsu felt his own chest constrict in anguish.

"They say... they say my cough is an omen of death," she gasped in a hoarse voice when she could catch her breath. "That I won't live to see the next winter."

Was that true?

Was she really sick, on the brink of death?

Those eyes that had captivated him so much, would they go out forever?

"No... it can't be..." he stammered, shaking his head. "Those are just lies... right?"

Rei sighed, and a solitary tear slid down her cheek as she stared into the void.

"I don't know," she confessed, with a tone of resignation. "I've always been weak and sickly, it's true. And the girls at the academy have always hated and envied me. Sometimes I even wonder if those horrible rumors are true... If my end is closer than I'd like... that maybe my fate is sealed and there's nothing I can do to change it."

Ritsu felt a pang in his heart as he heard the terrible lies circulating about his muse. How could there be people so cruel to defame such a sweet and delicate young woman? He could understand, though not justify, that bullies like Katsuo and his gang picked on him. After all, he was just a humble farmer's son among aristocrats of noble birth.

But Rei... she was a different story. As beautiful as a spring flower, and from what he had heard, as talented in the arts of reiki as she was intelligent and well-educated, a worthy daughter of one of the most prominent families in the Forbidden City. That such lies about her health were spread was inconceivable.

Could envy and jealousy corrupt some people's judgment to such an extent?

Ritsu felt his blood boil just thinking about it. If only he could find those responsible for spreading such vile rumors and force them to publicly retract.

What hurt him the most was imagining the suffering that Rei must be enduring because of those poisonous tongues. If only he could protect her, hug her and whisper in her ear not to pay attention to them, that he knew the truth about her noble spirit. That he would stay by her side no matter what others said... he longed to be able to convey all that to her, but the words got stuck in his throat.

Then, he mustered up his courage and, without thinking any further, gently took Rei's hand. It was soft and warm, like the last rays of sun settling on the flowers.

"Don't listen to them," he assured her with a voice that, despite its firmness, vibrated with the uncertainty bubbling inside him. "They don't know what they're saying. They're just unfounded rumors. The only thing that matters is what you feel, what I feel."

Rei blinked, surprised and hopeful. It seemed she couldn't believe what she was hearing, that she doubted his sincerity. Ritsu felt a lump in his throat. What if he had offended her, or scared her, or bothered her?

"And what do you feel?" she asked in a soft voice, almost in a whisper.

Ritsu was left breathless.

He didn't know how to respond.

There were so many things he felt, so many emotions that overwhelmed him, that he couldn't put a name to them.

He only knew that, at that moment, Rei was the most important thing, that without her everything lost meaning, that with her everything was possible.

"Everything..." he finally said, letting his heart speak for him.

Rei smiled, a smile that lit up her face and dispersed the sadness that darkened it. Her hand squeezed his, and a warmth radiated from the point of contact, running through him from head to toe.

"Is that so?" she said with a little laugh. "Well, I'm very glad, Ritsu Akechi. I'd love to go to the festival with you."

Ritsu raised his head, astonished. For a moment he thought he was dreaming, that it was all an illusion.

But no, it was real.

Rei wanted to go to the festival with him.

She wanted to be with him.

"Really?" he stammered, unable to believe it. "I mean... that would be wonderful."

***

The setting sun flooded the garden with its golden light, casting long shadows across the lawn. Ritsu sat on a wooden bench under an old apple tree, legs crossed and back resting against the trunk.

In front of him, Shinji and Aki Taketa faced off in a game of Go, moving the black and white stones on the board with precise and silent gestures. Ritsu watched them with a vacant stare, paying no attention to their strategies or expressions.

He was in his own world, a world where Herbology, Tsubo, Rei, Military Strategy and Tactics, Combat, Professor Oda, Classical Kanji, Rei, his cousin, his aunt, Rei, festival, Rei... all intermingled.

Rei. Her name resonated in his mind like a bell, sweet and persistent. Rei, the girl who had taken his breath away from the first day he saw her. Rei, the one who made him feel things he had never felt before... she occupied his dreams, his fantasies. When he closed his eyes, he saw her smiling face, the delicate curve of her neck, the silky shine of her hair.

Ritsu fiddled with a small stone he had picked up from the ground, spinning it between his fingers. It was a habit he had since childhood, a way to concentrate and order his thoughts. But this time it didn't help much, as Rei occupied every corner of his mind.

He could almost feel the brush of her fingers intertwining with his, the warmth of her skin against his. He wondered what it would feel like to have her close, if he would dare to touch her cheeks or brush a strand of hair from her forehead. If he would gather the courage to kiss her lips, as he had imagined so many times...

Suddenly, a small paper ball hit him on the cheek, snapping him out of his reverie. He looked up and saw Shinji looking at him with a mocking smile.

"Damn, Ritsu. That girl has you completely dazed, huh?" Shinji commented in a tone between amused and envious. "You haven't stopped thinking about her for a second. She's got you eating out of the palm of her hand."

Ritsu blushed, put the stone in his robe pocket, and looked up, pretending to pay attention to the Go board.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he muttered, feigning indifference. "I was just distracted."

"Uh-huh, sure," Shinji mocked, not believing him. "It's written all over your face that you're crazy about her. I've never seen you like this over a girl."

He didn't know how to respond, because it was true. Rei had driven him crazy, and he didn't care.

Aki, who had remained absorbed in the game, raised his head curiously.

"What are you talking about? What girl?"

Shinji let out a chuckle.

"About our dear Ritsu's great obsession. The one who steals his sleep and occupies his every thought."

"Don't listen to him, it's nothing," Ritsu tried to downplay it, but his friend didn't stop.

"Don't be modest," Shinji teased. "We're talking about your great love, the girl who has you completely bewitched."

"Oh? Who?" Aki insisted, intrigued.

"I'm talking about Rei Takami, of course," Shinji replied. "That pale and mysterious girl they say is crazy."

Aki frowned and moved one of his Go stones, then looked at him with disbelief.

"Rei Takami? The one from the private classes? You like that girl?"

Ritsu wished the earth would open up beneath his feet and swallow him.

Why did Shinji have to be so reckless? He caressed the stone in his pocket, like a charm, and silently prayed for the topic to vanish. Maybe, with luck, his friends would soon forget about it. Maybe.

But he knew he couldn't avoid it at that moment. His friends were waiting for an answer.

"Yes... I like her," he finally admitted in a thin voice. "But don't believe the rumors, she's not crazy or a witch. She's an intelligent and wonderful girl."

Shinji let out a laugh and placed a white stone on the board, breaking the encirclement Aki had made with his black stones.

"I don't understand how you can feel anything for her," he expressed with disdain. "She's a loner who isolates herself from everyone, has no friends, and doesn't have fun. They say she suffers from hallucinations, that she talks to herself..."

Aki placed a black stone on the board, blocking Shinji's advance into his territory.

"Who says that?" he asked, with interest.

"Everyone," Shinji replied, with exaggeration. "Haven't you heard the rumors going around about her? They say she's a ghost! That she has no blood in her veins."

Shinji placed a white stone on the board, trying to create a shape that would give him an advantage over Aki.

"And you believe all that?" Aki asked, skeptically.

"I don't know, but there must be some truth to it," Shinji affirmed, with conviction. "Rei is not normal, that's clear. She has a strange aura, as if she were from another world. And besides, she's very pale, as if she were sick all the time."

Aki placed a black stone on the board, threatening to invade Shinji's territory.

"Well, I think she's a pretty girl."

Shinji placed a white stone on the board, defending his territory.

"What? You like Rei too?" Shinji asked, surprised.

"No, I don't like her," Aki denied, quickly. "I'm just saying she's not as ugly as you say. But I prefer cheerful girls, more sociable, more normal."

Shinji placed a white stone on the board, looking to reduce Aki's territory.

"Well then I don't understand how Ritsu can love her," Shinji insisted. "Ritsu, friend, you're an intelligent, nice guy. You could have any girl you wanted, but you focus on the weirdest one of all. It doesn't make sense!"

He was tired of the malicious rumors about Rei. It was time to defend her.

Ritsu got up from his seat and approached Shinji from behind. Then, he gave him a tap on the head with his index finger, making Shinji startle and turn around, with an expression of surprise and pain.

"Ahh! What are you doing, Ritsu?" he exclaimed, rubbing his head.

"You deserve it, for talking about Rei like that," Ritsu replied, sternly. "Rei is different, Shinji. She's different from all the girls you know. The rumors you're saying are just lies, made up by girls who are jealous of her, because they know Rei is more beautiful, more intelligent, and more special than they are."

Aki took advantage of the distraction and placed a stone on the board, capturing several of Shinji's stones and securing his victory. Then, he gave a little jump of joy and raised his arms, with an expression of triumph.

"I won! I won! Victory is mine!" he shouted euphorically. "I'm the best! The unbeatable master!"

Shinji looked at the board with frustration and cursed under his breath.

"It's not fair," he protested. "You won by luck, not skill. If it wasn't for Ritsu distracting me, I would have won!"

Ritsu turned to Shinji and gave him a smirk.

"See?" he said. "Even Buddha makes you lose for speaking ill of a girl. You should learn to respect her, and not make fun of her."

Shinji shrugged and laughed.

"Whatever you say, Ritsu. But I still think Rei is a weird girl, and that you're crazy for loving her. I don't know what you see in her, honestly."

Ritsu sighed and went to his dormitory. He didn't care what Shinji or others said. He knew Rei was special, and nothing could change that.