I’m starting to notice an annoying pattern in the names that these monsters refer to themselves (and me) by. Being a civil and well-meaning human being, I open my mouth to respond. Oh, wait, there’s an eyeball in my mouth. I forgot. Funny thing, huh?

Bukamon stares at me. I stare at Bukamon.

It hums. “Hmm, are you sure you’re an aquatic digimon? You don’t really look like it… Do you want help getting to File Island?”

Now that’s just condescending.

“You know, I only just left the Village of Beginners recently myself, so I can’t understand what you might be feeling. When I left…” And by that point, Bukamon starts mumbling about its life story or whatever. In the meantime, I’m thinking about evolution. You know, I evolved right as I ate that fish. It was a very direct eat-to-evolve situation, and if you ask me, I think that remains. I think if I eat more creatures, I can get stronger and maybe evolve a fucking mouth so I can talk and tell this guy that no, I don’t need your help, and I actually don’t care about that one time you got bit by three fishies at once.

I turn my back on it and start swimming away. But, since I’m actually not meant for swimming and it obviously is, it catches up easily. “Are you heading somewhere?” Yes. Away from you. “Hey, is it okay if I call you Innomon? I’ve never seen any digimon like you, and I’ve seen tons! Like, at least a couple dozen, and I’ve only been me for around, um, three weeks?”

Innomon, Innomon. The name’s Roy.

I’m pretty sure Bukamon just smiled at me. “Okay, Innomon!”

That’s not what I-, ugh. You know what? Sure. I’ve gone a day or so without really communicating, so here we go. Logically, socialising is something that humans need to do in order to keep themselves sane, and I guess this creature is about as close to a human as I’ll get.

I pause my swimming and orbit myself to face Bukamon. “What is it, Innomon?”

If I had arms, I might have done a thumbs-down, or an X. Maybe I would’ve formed my limbs to make up the letters N and O, and then R and O and Y to make sure the creature gets my name right. If I show enough respect to call it by its name instead of ‘brown fish thing,’ it should be able to do the same to me.

The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

But I don’t have arms; I have a pair of double-jointed legs and a tail.

Well, I suppose I’ll have to make do. Bringing up my legs, I try to form them into an X but I guess they aren’t quite agile enough for it. Instead, it just looks like I’m trying (and failing miserably) to do the jenka. Maybe my tail will work better? Ah, no, that looks even worse. By the end of my impromptu zero-gravity dance-off, I’m stuck in a tangle of limbs.

I turn my eye to Bukamon. It’s grinning broadly. I freeze in place. Then, just to make things even worse, it starts clapping. However, since it only has a pair of flippers and we are literally underwater, there is no sound. Can this body blush in embarrassment? Hm. I have realised that I want to die.

“Wow, that was really impressive, Innomon!” it says in what seems to be genuine amazement. “Hey, watch me, I’m gonna do the same thing!”

I can only stare in helpless horror as the little creature repeats my movements, twisting in the water like an epeleptic kid having a seizure on the class dance disco floor. If that’s what I looked like, I might just have to end this creature to make sure no other monster sees my shame.

Oh, but this whole event does prove that it isn’t just the island that’s infected by monsters, but also the world around us. I have a feeling that Bukamon might actually be able to answer my questions, but since I can’t actually ask them, it’s useless. Really, my best bet would be to just slap him around a bit and chew up his pixels.

“Did you see that, Innomon?” Bukamon asks as he finally comes to a stop, only looking a little tumbled. “Didn’t I dance super cool?”

…Considering how agile he is in the water, trying to fight him would probably lead to my defeat. That would be even worse than running away. Getting killed by this guy… I wouldn’t be able to handle it, no sir. So, almost meekly, I nod at him.

Bukamon lights up in pride. “Gee, thanks!” And then, almost as if on cue, its stomach growls. “Ah, sorry, I haven’t eaten in a while…” He stares at me pathetically.

As if to make things worse, my own stomach grumbles seconds later. I’ve really made a fool of myself in front of this kid, huh? Wow. So this is the universal fate of all post-grad students: embarrassing yourself in front of children. Children who also happen to be underwater monster dinosaurs that can probably kill you almost effortlessly. Ah, the cycle of life.

“Hey, wanna go get some grub? I know a great place with delicious dataweeds!”

You know what? I’m not going to question that. With no other form of communication, I nod. Hm. Now that I think about it, I could probably have shaken my head to tell him my name isn’t Innomon, but now it’s a bit too late for that. Damn it.

Bukamon smiles again. What an easygoing fella. “Great! Come on, follow me and I’ll show you the way!”

Which sounds good and all, but I’m apparently the water equivalent of a snail, so Bukamon actually has to stop on several occasions just to let me catch up.

“Man, you’re kind of slow, huh?” Bukamon says with a giggle. Hm. Can I choke people with only my feet? “I don’t mind, though. Elecmon always told me to wait up for people who can’t help it, and everything else he’s said worked out great, so don’t worry about any of that, okay?”

I want to grumble unhappily, but as you might remember—no mouth. Once I get a mouth, I will let out the longest string of consecutive swear words this side of France. Captain Haddock will be proud of me, I’m sure.

However, for now, I must keep them within my heart. For now…!