Re: Going all out in Gifting this Wonderful Dungeon in a Different World with my Slave Harem so that my Urban Development of a Goblin Kingdom doesn’t get filled with Death Flags

Hello friend. I only use the word “friend” here because, on average, anyone that has managed to find this is going to fit that definition more than anyone else I have met in quite a while. My name is Handa Shouta, and if you are reading this then that probably means the (un)fortunate has happened. My body is no longer of this world and my soul has moved on.

Spoiler: Spoiler

 Again

Spoiler: Spoiler

 For the Nth time

I’m leaving this here as a record of my trials and tribulations up to this point, in hopes that whoever comes after me doesn’t make the same mistakes as I did. First, I would like to say that I defend nearly every decision I made up to this point as being entirely necessary given the information I had at the time. You might think you could have done something better than me, or that I sunk too low morally. If you happen to think less of me for that, I understand, but at the same time, go fuck yourself. By reading this you are consenting to the knowledge I am imparting on you, like a sage onto his pupils. In a sense I am trying to protect you from the first hand horrors I endured, so the least you can do is thank me.

I don’t remember much from my time before the incident. Just a blur of hatred, self-loathing, loneliness, hedonism, masturbation and whatever else makes up the daily life of your ordinary NEET otaku. I say that, and I know it sounds terrible, but it was at least more comfortable than what came after. Far, far more comfortable; like a baby fawn nursing from his mother after a rainstorm. Well, less of a “fawn”, and more of a “full grown buck”, and not quite a “rainstorm”, as much as “a rainstorm succeeding a pack of wolves eating nearly your entire herd”. It was okay, passable, maybe even fun during those times that I was entirely engrossed in whatever hobby I had at the time.

But then that happened. I don’t remember what “that” was, I get a migraine every time I try to remember, but I will attempt to be as accurate as I can for everything after.

I started off in an extremely uncomfortable chair with my hands tied behind it. Actually, that might not be fair to the chair. It was a fairly standard wooden chair with a firm cushion, purple upholstery and a back that would be just right while sitting up perfectly straight, even though I really couldn’t at the time. Unfortunately, the back of the chair was just large enough that the crooks of my arms were digging into the sharp corners of the wood. I’m not too sure what kind of rope or string my wrists were tied with, but it was itchy. Maybe a hemp rope? I never got a good look at it.

With that in mind, I guess it isn’t the chair’s fault that I was uncomfortable, but rather the fault of the person who put me in the chair in the first place. Chairs don’t hurt people, people hurt chairs. I’m sorry, chair, I was a bit frustrated right now seeing as how I had just woken up sitting on top of you and I may have jumped to conclusions. I hope you accept my apology. All things considered you supported me through my time of need.

I was never a morning person, or an afternoon person, or a day person for that matter. When waking up I would usually spend a few minutes to a few hours laying in bed with blurry vision, before my eyes would adjust, and that time was no exception. The room was dark; dark enough that I couldn’t see the corners, walls or ceiling. Maybe it was due to that blurry vision, or possibly due to the room being practically infinite in size, but I just couldn’t see anything. There was a single light directly above me, the kind you would find hanging in a warehouse. It’s bright enough that you wouldn’t want to look directly at it for more than a second. At least I wouldn’t, but at the time I had just finished spending most of my waking hours in a dark room, so who is to say?

There was one other obvious thing in this room besides the light, the chair and myself. While cranking my head all the way to the side, at the corner of my vision, there was a large white square piece of cardboard, standing around four meters tall. At least I assume it was cardboard, since I just can’t imagine that the single piece of wire hanging from it supporting anything besides a piece of cardboard.

Just as I was beginning to collect my bearings suddenly a loud, yet oddly familiar, upbeat trumpet riff blared in my ears. The sound was loud enough that normally this would have been able to hurt my ears, but nothing in that situation seemed normal, so I didn’t spend too much time worrying about it.

[Lucky Incarnation.]

The cardboard separated from the wire and fell down flat at my feet, or what would be my feet if I was facing the right way. I heard the voice of a cute girl coming from behind the fallen cardboard, but I couldn’t quite make out what she looked like since she was directly behind me. Meanwhile, the trumpets changed to a nice BGM, while a few other instruments joined in. A keyboard, an electric bass, and maybe a few others. I had no idea where the music was coming from. I can only describe it as being “all encompassing”.

[Oha-Lucky!]

My mouth gaped open while I attempted to stare at the owner of the voice over my shoulder, as a new light turned on immediately where the wire was a few seconds ago and started shining on the strange scene to my rear. Hiding behind the cardboard was another piece of cardboard, this time sky blue with little yellow pictures of something like a ship’s wheel scattered haphazardly around it. In front lay a desk with two people behind it. On my left, my right if I was facing towards them, was a green haired loli wearing a sailor uniform that was obviously too big for her. Small brown wings could be seen poking out from her back. The tips of her sleeves went past her hands and flapped about as she waved her arms energetically.

[It’s finally started, your reincarnation! I’m your goddess Nekhbet-sama.]

She winks while pointing to her face and tilting her head to the side. Cute.

[Uhh… I’m Hermes]

I turn my head around to try to get a look at the other person who just talked. This time I tried to jump the seat around with my weight, but the chair doesn’t move. I guess it was bolted to the floor? What I managed to see was a boy in a toga, who wasn’t even a head taller than the already small girl standing next to him.

[...Who?]

I turn my head around to look at the girl who just spoke, while instinctively trying to jump the chair again. It doesn’t work.

[Just kidding! From now on we are going to be helping you move onto your next life. Lucky for you, you will be going to a different world... clap clap cl-]

[…]

[…]

Stopping in the middle of her almost patronizing clap, she stared at me for about five seconds. The charming, happy go lucky demeanor suddenly flew away as she put on a disgusting face. The mysterious BGM also came to a stop while she tilted her head and looked towards her partner.

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

[Oi… why is he facing that way?]

I turned my head to look at the half naked youth who the question was directed to. This time I try a rotating force to attempt to get the chair to move. Nothing happened.

[Umm… I’m not the one that did the set-up. This is my first time doing one of these so I was thinking I was mostly observation…]

[Huuuuuuuh…]

I flipped around again while the loli with the strange name sighed and put her elbow on the desk. Tension in her body faded away, as she rested against her fist. The free hand still covered by a sleeve whipped a cigarette out and casually placed it in her slacked open mouth. I could feel one of my eyes involuntarily twitching, while my mouth gaped open a little bit more.

[Ehh…EHHHHH!]

She became even more agitated by the second.

[...Ahhh sorry sorry…]

While bowing over and over again, the boy pulled out a lighter from his toga and with unpracticed hands managed to get a flame to the tip of the stick. I don’t know how, but I managed to be put into even more of a daze than I was already in while watching the surreal sight of a middle school girl blowing out a large cloud of smoke. Holding the cigarette through her sleeve she continued.

[Huuuum… newbie, with that attitude, you are never going get anywhere in this world. I knew I was going to be in for a tough job the moment they pushed your training onto me, but I didn’t think it would be this bad.]

The once adorable loli took another drag while flicking her head in my direction a few times while rolling her eyes and making more unintelligible grunts.

[Ahhhh I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!]

Sometime during the third “sorry” he disappeared and materialized next to me. With a single hand he picked up the chair, flipped me around and readjusted the angle I was pointing a few times. Finally satisfied, he once again instantaneously snapped back to his spot behind the desk. The trumpets flared again, and without missing a beat, the cheerful demeanor returned to the “set”.

[Since you died, you have been selected to reincarnate in a fantasy world with swords and magic. Lucky you, ehe.]

The same winking gesture from before breaks me from my stupor and gives me a brief moment to think.

(Dead? What does she mean dead? Who died? Me? I’m the only one she could be talking to. But I’m right here.)

Before she got a chance to carry away the conversation again, I finally spoke up. I said the first thing that came to mind.

[How did I die?]

The music halted again.

[…]

[…]

Everyone is frozen for a few seconds. With an unmoving face, the loli slowly turns her head towards her assistant without breaking eye contact with me.

[…Oi]

[…Oh that’s me… Umm… Umm…]

A file pulled out of the toga was flipped open, and searched through. After a few seconds the skimming ended, and a cold sweat broke out of the boy’s forehead.

[…]

Turning her head slightly, the girl looked at her gofer and then back at me with her eyes a few times, before finally resting her gaze on the boy’s face.

[Oi… what’s wrong… say something]

[…]

Grabbing the desk through her sleeves the loli leaned back just far enough to look at the dossier.

[…pfft… GAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA]

The only noise I could hear was a disgusting shrieking laughter and the sound of a fist hitting wood over and over.

[This bitch…]

I suddenly had flashes of what happened. It was on my 30th birthday. In order to celebrate my new found powers I had worked up the courage leave my apartment for the first time in over a year and go to the corner mart. I think it was far more vivid at the time, and I still don’t really understand what happened. All I can remember was some fat fucking gaijin falling out of a window a few stories above me, and an anaconda going down my throat and strangling me to death. To this day, it is a truly a mystery.

After the images stopped coming, I looked around in a daze. A rainbow something had covered the white cardboard in front of me. Some of it was even on my legs.

(Why? Why is that there?)

As came back to my senses I heard something said between wheezes.

[Then the dead rapist fell out… and you were too stunned to move… GAHAHAHA]

[…Oh yeah…hurgheh blergheee]

A ringing in my ears began to completely drown out the shrill laughter. Maybe it was simply shock over my own death, but at the time it was a horrible experience. I remembered the scene while even more of rainbow something came spewing out of my mouth. Through my watery eyes I could make out the loli falling behind the desk as some feathers popped up.

(You know, this isn’t so bad. Like this I won’t remember…oh…right…)

[ahgaaa]

(Why am I dry heaving?)

Why did it happen? Though it didn’t kill me, that fat fuck with blood spurting from his throat fell right on top on me. Why didn’t I have time to get out of the way? I always found it strange while growing up. Some people would say I had amazing reaction speed. Even though I was athletic, I wasn’t particularly good at actually playing sports. Even though I spent most of my free time playing video games, I wasn’t very good at them. If someone accidentally scared me by patting me on the back, then they would almost surely start laughing afterwards at how slow I was to jump.

It wasn’t until a friend of mine in university got me into a fighting game that I figured out why. We spent hours just grinding through matches. Sometimes I would ask him how he would always beat me in the same situation over and over. His answer would almost always be the same.

[Well that’s obvious, I reacted to it.]

Bullshit you reacted to that. If our roles were reversed I would never be able to pull that off. Any time I tried to say that “there was no way I could do it”, he would always tell me the same thing while shrugging.

[You should be able to, your reactions are better than mine.]

One day I got fed up and did some testing, and I figured it out. My reaction time is slow. Very slow. As in “the bottom 3rd percentile of regular functioning adults” slow. No matter how much time I spent practicing something, if it required real time reactions, my body just wouldn’t be able to move in time for anything. Trying to bat in baseball? Any sort of trick pitch would always go straight past me. Rebounding in basketball? Everyone else on the court knew where the ball was going to be long before I did. Ping Pong? Nope. Platforming games? No way in hell.

So why did some people say I had good reactions? Well that’s simple, I had amazing prediction and decision making skills. If I had time to react to something I would almost always be able to make the best out of that situation. I won far more often than a normal person should at rock paper scissors. If I was just a little bit faster, then I probably could have at least escaped being crushed and held down.

I dry heaved one last time and breathed for a few moments before some words managed to escape my mouth.

[If only I had faster reactions.]

In between wheezes the obnoxious brat responded.

[Huh, that’s the ability you want? Huu well… huu I’ll give you at least that much for free. Huu I haven’t laughed that hard huu in 20 centur… huu I mean huu uhh huu days? Huu ...Anyways huu here.]

The little girl named Nekhbet managed to say that between ragged breaths while picking herself up. Something strange was in there, but it was hard to tell. I could see the motion of her clicking her fingers through her sleeve while wearing a satisfied face and leaning against the table with her other hand. The whining from before was going away, so I could make out a muffled snap. What a heartwarming scene. No, that might not be it. There is definitely a warm sensation in my chest, but I doubt it has anything to do with that fake bitch.

A large message in a not so translucent box floated in the air right in the middle of my vision.

It was in English. I couldn’t read all of it but I had a good idea what it said. I tried looking around it, but no matter how I moved my eyes or head, it stayed squarely in the center blocking most of my field of view. I clicked my tongue.

[tch, Annoying.]

The loud trumpet riff played one last time, and the cutesy demeanor instantly returned in full.

[Oh no, it’s time to say goodbye. I goofed up and didn’t give you enough time to pick a blessing. Teehee]

The boy looked at her with a worried expression, while she playfully hit the top of her head.

(Don’t stick out your tongue, you dumb cunt.)

[Since I’m in such a good mood, I’ll give you 20 seconds to choose one. Make sure you pick wisely since you will probably die again in a few days if you don’t.]

My heart skipped a beat, as I felt some adrenaline kick in.

(Oi, that last part didn’t match up with your face at all.)

While instinctively thinking about something useless, I realized that a new menu dropped down in front of my vision. Not unlike the message from before, it was in English, but this time filled up almost all of my vision. I could only read about half of them due to my knowledge from American video games. On it were things like immortality, dragon’s bloodline, 100x experience growth, 1/100 experience bar.

(Those last two are the same, aren’t they?)

My heart skipped another beat as I remember something important.

(I feel like this whole situation is bad for my heart. Though being dead probably is also. Maybe I’ll get brain damage if this keeps up? No, my brain is already damaged beyond repair, otherwise I wouldn’t be having such a strange dream right now in the first place. Though I think that I still found myself being dragged through this strange event without too much complaining.

Instinctively tilting my head to uselessly try to look around the window, I interrupted the loli’s sleeve flailing and ramblings that I wasn’t listening to.

[Hey, how do I choose?]

[Ahh don’t be silly, you click it dummy.]

I could barely make out the smug, carefree face of a smiling little girl through the opaque window.

[Uhh.. My hands are tied up.]

[…So?]

(Fuck fuck fuck. At this point I don’t really care what I choose as long as I get something.)

I instinctively trusted the girl’s words about dying. I frantically tried to lean forward in an attempt to reach the menu with my nose. Of course that didn’t work, since the menu was a fixed distance away from my eyes so moving my head also moved the menu.

(How long do I still have? Fuck fuck fuck.)

The trumpets began playing something like an outro.

(Fuck. I feel I only have a couple seconds, I have to think of something. I’m tied up, my arms are bleeding from the chair, I have a headache, my eyes are watery, and I can still feel a burning sensation in the back of my throat from vomiting earlier… Wait... why was I vomiting? Wait that’s it!)

I flocked a mixture of phlegm, half-digested food and stomach acid into the back of my throat. I knew I only had one chance so I tried to make it as large as possible. While taking aim, I spied my target, and took in as large of a breath as possible. I had practiced this plenty of times throughout my life. Though I hadn’t really had a chance for the past few years, I’m was still confident I could do it. I took my once in a lifetime shot and one of the options on the menu turned orange.

[Bye-neeee… WHAT THE FUCK YOU JUST HIT ME WITH YOU PIECE OF SH-]

While my consciousness faded out I barely had time to make out a new message.

[Aww… I was lucky that was right in the center.]