1

September 4, 2020. The COVID-19 active cases went low and recoveries went high. The restrictions eased. Despite this improved situation, I still badly wanted to stay in the rural area in Kerrain—or badly wanna die—during this crisis. After months of strict community quarantine, few establishments in Karvondale, Kerrain were finally reopened. Unfortunately, the place where I was working was not one of them as it had permanently closed down. It was named Pago’s Café—a coffee shop that turns into a bar when the sun sets. My experience working in that place was the best thing that ever happened to me. This café-pub gave me a lot of wonderful memories, especially that time when I met her.

It seemed like I lost everything. It was shocking to me that after months of COVID and strict quarantine, I was still alive and breathing well. It made me want to laugh insanely as I felt the indescribable frustration. I had been feeling disoriented, dispirited and dismal about life. Screaming so loud was another thing I wanted to do…screaming until my throat bleeds.

2

'Bluebird’ by Beach House was playing and both of us were among the group of couples slow dancing on the front deck of a cruise ship as an event took place on it…wait, what event? What’s the occasion for today? Who are these couples?

She then touched my cheek. Her hair was no longer blue but blonde, her natural hair. “Rayford?”

“Yes, Baby-bird?”

“Can we go back to our room, Big-bear?”

As I looked at her tired eyes, I said, “All right, Baby-bird. Let’s go.”

Then we stopped slow dancing as we agreed to get a rest in our room. Wait what room? We booked a room on this ship? I grabbed a key in my pocket. How did we afford to book a room in this expensive-looking ship?

“I believe our daughter is still up right now.” I said as we were in the corridor. Daughter? Did I just say daughter? We had a child?

Then we entered our room, feeling exhausted.

“Hey, mom. Hey, dad.” Our ten-year-old daughter greeted us, while playing her video game on her phone, lying on the couch.

“Hey, Birdy-bear!” Then I kissed her forehead. Birdy-bear?

Then her mommy kissed her next.

“I’m tired.” our daughter said. “Can we go to bed?”

“Sure, honey.” her mommy said and brushed her head with her hand.

All of us were now lying on the bed. Our daughter was at the center and we embraced her. She was finally sleeping after we sang her a lullaby.

“Big-bear,” My wife whispered as she did not want to wake up our daughter. “I want to ask something.”

“Go on.”

“How are you feeling right now?”

I made a soft chuckle. “Happy, Baby-bird, really happy. I finally have what I wanted. I mean, we’re married. We had a lovely daughter. This is what I had been dreaming for. A family.”

Then she smiled softly and closed her eyes. Tears came down from her eyes.

“Babe, why are you cr—”

3

I woke up on my bed in the late afternoon. I realized that it was all just a dream and thought: That explains why I had those questions and then forgot them seconds after. The dream was so good it made me believe that her death did not really happen. Then I got up and looked outside through the window, I still had the same feeling since she was gone: depressed and bitter.

The fuck am I alive for? I thought. I walked towards the furniture. I did not know that I had lost a lot of weight until I looked at myself in the mirror. Before her death and the start of the pandemic, my weight was around 200 pounds. But now, Holy shit, I thought, because not only I lost a lot of weight, I got really skinny. There was no longer flesh in my face, I believed, but just skin. And I no longer had a double chin. I also saw my ribs sticking out. Then I rushed to the weighing scale to see how many pounds I have. Dear Lord! My eyes widened. 120 pounds?! That means, I’m underweight. Then I looked at myself in the mirror again. It was hard to believe that the mirror had been standing there but I had not noticed that I made a huge change about my body until just now. But then, that feeling of surprise faded and went back to being depressed and bitter. The fuck am I alive for? I thought of it again.

On the lower side of the mirror, was the picture of her and I in one of the Ferris wheel cars. I was staring at it, feeling regret, because I was not there at her funeral. I even never visited her grave. All I had been doing ever since was staying in my room, crying, hoping it was not real. But unfortunately it is. Denying the truth was not enough to escape pain. That dream I had recently, was the first time that I dreamed about her after she died. It’s been seven months…why show up to me now? Why not before? Right now, I believed she was telling me that I must visit her. I guess you want me to accept that you’re… I collapsed on the floor, bursting into tears. I still was not able to accept it. But she needed me to take a visit.

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4

I got out of my apartment room with my face mask on, after I took a shower and grabbed my key, my wallet, and her cellphone. After I closed the door and turned around, I stopped, because I looked at the closed door of her apartment room in front of mine. I slowly reached for the knob and tried to twist it, but it was locked. I knew that behind that door was just an empty apartment. It was just that I wish I could turn back in time. Then I sighed and began to walk, on my way to Karvondale Memorial Park, a cemetery that plants trees on the graves.

5

When I finally exited my apartment, it felt very different when walking outside, it felt like the world was bigger again. Mr. McClarnon, was having some fresh air outside the building as usual, waved his hand and greeted me. “Hey, Ford.”

“Hey, Mr. McClarnon.” I waved back and gave him a smile but it was a weak smile. My voice was no longer as lively as the good days.

“It’s good to see you going outside for the first ti—Sweet Jesus, boy!” he looked at me with concern as I walked to him. “Are you alright? You look like you haven’t eaten a lot.” He noticed my weight loss.

“No, not really, sir.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s really hard for you to move on. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right.”

“Give me a hug, boy.”

Then we hugged each other.

“Where are you going, by the way.”

“To her.” I said. “I’m going for her.”

I looked up and noticed the clouds over the town were gray as it was about to rain. The sky went darker as the time was almost evening. I arrived at the bus stop after passing by five apartment buildings and luckily I did not have to wait as the bus was already there and ready to go. It was almost full of passengers. In the sixth row of the passenger seats, I leaned on the window beside me. I had her phone and then I pulled the earphones from my left pocket, ready to listen to her favorite songs. I bet I’ll arrive there in ten songs, I thought when the wheels of the bus moved. Six songs if there will be no heavy traffic. Then I closed my eyes as the playlist started.

6

Now, I arrived at the entrance of Karvondale Memorial Park. I was standing at the gate, hesitating to enter. The way I was breathing through my nose made an intense increase of anxiety. There was a part of me that had a feeling of regret for getting in here. However, another part of me had a feeling that I must enter. She needed me, I felt it. Then I entered. The memorial park was so peaceful as I only heard trees had their leaves being hit by wind as they were dancing in the wind. I saw the caretakers and asked one of them to know where her grave was. They asked me what month she died, and I answered February. Then they led me to the lot where people died in the month of February. Trees take 10 to 20 years to be fully grown, that means, I had to go after the small tree saplings. The problem was that most of this lot had many of them. I passed by many graves after reading every name in the tombstone. I kept walking until I finally saw her tombstone…

SYDNEY JOKENZIE

OCTOBER 16, 1996 - FEBRUARY 6, 2020

In the tombstone, below her name, her birth, and death, was a line drawing of a dove. Now, as I looked at the tombstone, it felt like I was being pushed into accepting the painful truth…she’s really gone. I clenched my jaw and my breathing went rapidly. Another reason why I hesitated to visit her was because I had not told her the truth about why she ended up like this. I believed she knew the truth now, and I would be asking myself how she felt about me, now that I was finally here alone with her…it would be possible that she was really angry and wanting to hit me in the face right now. But, I was not worried about that as she had the right to be mad at me.

“Ash…” I muttered. “I know that you’re mad at me right now…for not being there at your funeral…for not telling the truth." Then I burst into tears, uncontrollably. I tried to keep my composure, but I just couldn’t. Then I fell on my knees and started to mumble fast with a broken voice. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry for what I did, Ash! I didn't want to accept it! I didn't want to believe that you were gone! And I'm sorry for not telling you the truth! You were dying, you were suffering enough and I didn't want you to feel even worse! I hope you will forgive me, Ash!" I cried, hysterically. It felt like I needed to say more, but I could not find the words easily. I just stood there, crying my eyes out for several minutes.

Then I gasped twice for air and tried to calm down. Then I told her about that dream earlier. “Ash…I have this…amazing dream. I wish it was true. You were there and…” I paused and then stared at her grave, with my weakened eyes that were watering again as I was upset about the dream that had tricked me into believing it was real. “We got married and had a daughter. And every time I look at her, Ash, it makes me…” I stopped and sniffed. “It makes me want to make sure that she will not go through what both of us went through. I want her to be as happy and safe as possible.” I guess that dream just showed me the future we can’t have, Ash…why can’t we have that? I thought. “We gave her a nickname, by the way: Birdy-bear.” I chuckled softly.

I looked down at the small plant in front of her tombstone. I caressed it. “I promise I will help it grow, Baby-bird.” Now, I finally said her nickname in front of her again. “I promise…” I no longer had a plan to do with my life and its future anymore, but taking care of the plant at her grave until it turns into a tree might be my only purpose in life now.

7

Now I got back on the bus, on my way home. I pulled her phone up and started to listen to her playlist again. As I closed my eyes, I remembered the conversation we had during her last days…

(What are you going to do, when I’m gone?)

(I don’t know, Ash. Maybe I’ll just wait for myself to die.)

Then ‘Fade Into You’ by Mazzy Star started to play.

🎵 I wanna hold the hand inside you

I wanna take the breath that's true

I look to you and I see— 🎵

Suddenly, I heard the sound of a car’s horn. It was so loud that it overpowered the sound of my earphones. I opened my eyes, startled, and turned quickly at the window. I saw a glimpse of a strong bright light and when it reached the bus window beside me…everything shook and everything instantly went dark.

8

“He’s one of the severely injured passengers! Get him to Emergency: ICU Section, Stat!”

I woke up and opened my eyes slowly, when I heard those words echoed in my head. Then I remembered what happened. As I realized it, pain started to surge in my body. Every bone felt like they were ripping apart. Worse was that when I tried to look around, the world blurred and in red. My head felt like it was on fire and my veins felt like it had blades flowing in with my blood. I wanted to scream, but if I would, it would worsen the pain. Why the fuck am I still alive?!

When I was about to close my eyes again, my eyes rolled up. I awfully wanted to escape from this hellish pain.

(It’s going to be alright, Big-Bear.) I remembered Ash’s words when she tried to comfort me. (That’s how life works.)

Sometimes, remembering the past can ease the pain.