Am I secret agent? That is a tough question to answer because they don't give you a ceremony and officially bestow the title upon you. At least they didn't do that for me.

It's probably easier to answer some qualifiers.

Did I talk my way into secure facilities and then talk foreign officials into giving me their classified materials? Yes.

Did I travel around the world on classified missions? Yes.

Did I collect data and information and process it all into finished intelligence pictures? Yes.

I could keep going with the qualifiers quite a bit longer but I won't. I know what I believe and that's all that matters.

I do wish my clearance didn't get stuck behind the curtain when I retired. There are definitely times I could really use that to prove some of my claims. I do wish my ex-wife and ex-step son didn't throw away all my shit while I was at the bath house. I had a few knick knacks in there, stuff I picked up along the way, material physical stuff I could touch, stuff I needed whenever the memories didn't feel real. But I know, the missions did happen. I know I'm not crazy.

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I guess in a weird way, I'm thankful, grateful that I don't have anything I can hold onto that proves how I got here, what I did along the way. Just the stories. The only way to prove it is to tell the stories. Piece it all together. Write. Draw. Then when people ask, like, "Hey, how do you think up such crazy shit? Shit that almost seems plausible." I can indulge a little bit and let myself pretend I'm acting when I cry about the guy in my story, the friend of mine who got blown up on the mission that went sideways. When I let my breath get mother fucking amped and my eyes go wild animal on the hunt and I tell the story of getting in the stack, throwing the flash bang into the house, rushing into the room with my finger ready to slide down an inch and squeeze and bring death to anyone who has the guts to do anything other than scream and cry and be afraid of us.

Are these tears I'm crying as I write this, are they real? I don't know. Was I secret agent?