Chapter 1: Assimilated Into Isekai - Resistance is Febrile
Dave was completely in the zone, perched on a round exercise ball, typing on an ergonomic keyboard, surrounded by three huge monitors in the very open and spacious offices of GnuTech’s high rise San Francisco office. Out the window was an amazing view of the financial district and far off the bay. A billion dollar company with a billion dollar view. At his feet his retriever ‘Fido’, named during one of Dave’s Ironic phases happily chewed on a vegan bone substitute. His desk was completely empty of distractions, but one of the monitors showed Dave’s pictures of surfing, rock climbing, scuba diving, club dancing in Marrakesh with an OnlyPorns model, flying in a private jet drinking champagne, and other images of a very successful ‘rock star’ programmer.
Dave was a very happy man. At 27 he was a success. He graduated from MIT with a degree in Computer Science at 22 with a 3.9 average. He got his first high profile programming gig at a start-up right out of university. When that company went public Dave made millions and then was immediately recruited into working at GnuTech. He dated beautiful women, traveled all over the world in his free time, and was treated like a hero by his managers. Dave had it all.
There was a commotion in the office that Dave didn’t notice. People gathered at the windows exclaiming at the unusual sight of a flaming meteor falling out of the sky toward San Francisco. It wasn’t a particularly big meteor, perhaps the size of a desk. As the meteor came closer, careening down towards the office people began to yell and scatter away. Dave was vaguely aware of the commotion, but he tended to ignore lesser people and their antics. “Get back to work, plebs.” He muttered under his breath.
Dave didn’t notice as the meteor grew closer and people ran out of the fifteenth floor office seeking shelter. Suddenly and utterly predictably the meteor smashed down through the ceiling of Dave’s office and hit his desk directly and turned Dave into smashed red jelly. “Fuck!” Was all he had time to scream. The code would never get fixed.
Dave’s funeral was well attended. It was trendy, held on a windswept hill in Vallejo and administered by an atheist from the local coffee bar. His jellied remains were cremated and scattered into the winds of the forest. Fido, who had miraculously escaped the carnage was adopted by Jennifer, the skinny and fit OnlyPorns model that Dave had dated a few times. Then everyone went back to work.
…
Dave came to awareness floating in an uninteresting off-white void of timeless and weightless nothingness. Punctuating the nothingness was a woman dressed in a skimpy and diaphanous white and gold lame dress that showed off her gigantic cleavage and stupidly round ass and long legs. She looked a bit like an Asian version of Kim Kardashian dressed in an ‘I dream of Jeannie’ harem costume if that costume was in a porn shoot. This woman was seated in a throne that appeared to be made of gold and marble. Dave thought it was in pretty terrible and gaudy taste.
Dave noticed that he was nothing more than an empty white outline of a human figure.
“Wait. I’ve seen this before.” Dave exclaimed. “What the fuck?”
“Welcome, Junichiro.” The woman intoned in a delightful, soothing voice. She paused a moment.
“Who?” Dave asked.
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“Junichiro Watanabe. Welcome to heaven after a long and patient life.” The woman replied.
“My name’s David Atkins… not whatever… Junipero?”
The woman’s gorgeous and perfect face reflected absolutely no change in emotion. “I am your patron Goddess. I am the Goddess that your people know as Uzume.”
“Who? I’m not Japanese!” Dave yelled.
“You died at the age of 92, the father of five children, thirteen grandchildren, and twenty two great grandchildren.” She went on.
Dave stepped a little closer and yelled. “Are you even listening? I’m not Japanese… I’m twenty seven years old, not 92! WHAT THE FUCK?”
“Because of the merit of your prior life, Junichiro I am granting you an all new life.” The Goddess’s perfect face took on a kindly smile. “You lived an abstemious life of prudent caution. But in your heart you always desired to break free of the confines of your upbringing. You secretly prayed to live a wild life of adventure, hedonism, and danger. I am going to grant you this new life of immortal, perfect health.”
Dave threw himself forward, arms waving and thrashing at the Goddess. “Shut up! You idiot! I am not Junichiro Watanabe!”
The goddess stopped talking, and her perfect face formed a frown. “What, Junichiro?”
“I said! I am not Junichiro Watanabe! I am Dave Atkins! You idiot.”
“What???” The goddess yelled.
“I’m Dave Atkins, an American, not Japanese. I’m 27, not 92. I’m not married… nothing you said is true. Nothing!”
The goddess’s face went even more white than it already was. “You… you’re not… what?”
“I just told you… you have the wrong guy. Am I dead?” Dave asked.
“Well… yes, you’re absolutely dead. You got smashed with a meteor.”
“A meteor, isn’t that stupidly trite?” Dave paused and looked around. “Wait. I’ve seen all this before. It’s like in a manga. I’m dead and being reincarnated in a new life. Why wasn’t it a truck?”
“WHAAAAT?” The goddess screamed.
“And that’s not all…” Dave continued. “You’re not a ‘goddess’. The idea of a goddess presupposes the idea of a god, or maybe even a GOD. And the idea that a god would be concerned with granting me a new life is an absurd use of your power. “
The goddess began to frown at him.
“You’d waste your time giving a second life to me, or more properly some old Japanese man instead of curing cancer or saving babies from blindness or ... I don’t know… solving the homeless problem or sending Donald Trump to hell?” Dave was ranting. “Really? This is how you supposed ‘god’ spends your time? No. NO! You’re at best a space alien with super powe…”
The goddess immediately cut him off, her face clouded with anger. “That’s enough of that. I have a quota to fill, Junichiro.” She waved one perfectly formed arm in a circle over him. “Go now to your new life as an evil Dungeon Master! I will be watching over you!”
As Dave started to scream incoherently about the stupidity and idiocy of the goddess, the situation, the idea of being a goddamned ‘dungeon master’ the world started to fade around him again. Pitch black darkness ensued.
…
As Junichiro/Dave came to consciousness, he found himself in a dark, dank, smelly cavernous stone chamber, just like out of a hundred different Isekai. He groaned and sat up. Hovering near him was a cute but nude little sprite woman with an oversized chest. Her nipples stood out prominently, but a wisp of mist or steam or something covered her crotch. What little clothing she wore was clearly designed to accentuate her assets, not conceal them. Behind her floated an intensely glowing dark purple orb that simply radiated evil malignancy.
“Well fuck.” Junichiro looked around. Looking down at his body, he was not a young man. No, he was an elderly and wrinkled old Japanese man wearing a really stereotypical wizard’s robe and a pointed but floppy hat. Junichiro attempted to yell ‘Jesus fucking Christ!’, but what came out was “##*#$$ FUCKING #*##(@” instead. He looked at the sprite woman who was clearly not a girl, specifically not an underage girl and really truly not at all a loli.
“Well, I guess it’s R-16, or maybe TV-MA?” He asked the woman.
There was a cackling laugh that echoed throughout the chamber from no visible source. “You might be an immortal dungeon master Junichiro, but I didn’t have to make you young. FUCK YOU… and stop making Judeo-Christian references, it generates paperwork!” This was followed by peals of laughter that faded away.
The sprite looked at him. She was an absolutely typical dungeon sprite. Two wings in the back like a butterfly, dressed in a revealing costume, stupidly buxom, and beautiful. “Welcome to your dungeon, Master!”