All of a sudden, I gained consciousness in an unfamiliar room. The room was similar to an office, like… how do I put this? It’s like a principal’s office with a flower vase on top of the table, papers filed in one place, pencils stacked in a tumbler beside the pencil sharpener, and a portrait of a man in a suit. But oddly enough, there weren’t any windows or doors inside the room.

I was seated on a comfy chair with side arms in a rather position. I couldn’t recall any memory how I got here. Who knows, probably an interrogation or kidnap? Despite my alarming situation, I feel no sense of danger, just the urgent call of nature.

Then a sudden ring of an alarm clock- that I didn’t notice- scared the shit out of me. I didn’t bother turning it off, for shits and giggles. After a full minute of annoying rings, the alarm finally stopped. It was very anti-climactic to be honest. I was hoping for something cool to happen, but eh…

--It seems like I spoke too soon.

‘’Wait, huh? Oh… it’s already time? It feels like I’ve just slept for an hour. One hundred years, just like that… Hmmm. Who are you?”

Appearing out of thin air, a middle-aged woman, with huge knockers (mind-blowing, trust me), sat where the ‘principal’ would usually sit. She wore a thin, white undershirt and had drool dropping down her face. She looked a bit unexpected, but it’s turning me on a bit.

“I’m sorry, but what do you mean by ‘already time’? I have a lot of questions to ask you--“

“Hey, kid. What time is it?”

“What--?”

“Shush. I ask the questions here. What’s the time? Date? What year is it?”

Ah~ Dear junior, why have you gone soft all of a sudden? I’m glad you made the right decision (unfortunately), because her tone makes me want to commit some nasty stuff in this room. Whatever that means, I’ll leave it to your imagination.

“What’s your name?”

She keeps asking stuff. Why can’t she just say something simple like ‘hey’ or ‘what’s up’? But now that you mention it, what’s my name? The mind-block is real. I have no memory or whatsoever before I got here--

“Don’t tell me you’re Alucard Maxwell…?”

She raised an eyebrow, but I just wondered in confusion.

“Alucard, who?”

“Wait, let me just check something. Give me a sec.”

She scanned the drawers of the desk, throwing aside fastened papers she deemed irrelevant. I wanted to say something about her, um, cleavage showing, but I better shut it and act like the gentleman I am. Stare away from the devil’s temptation.

This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.

Should I tell her, or should I just keep quiet? Not gonna lie, it’s better to stay this way. Since I don’t know when misfortune will come in, I should just accept this blessing in disguise. Or should I say, “blessing behind sexy clothing”, rather.

“Yup, you’re the real deal. Finally, I’ve been waiting for your arrival, baby boy.”

“Pardon? Baby boy? What’s with that stupid ass nickname?”

“’Baby boy’, that’s what they called you in high school. You don’t remember how you pissed yourself in front of your ex-girlfriend while having a party in some shitty guy you don’t even bother knowing. Ever since that event, everyone called you that, including your teachers and family. It the most fucked up history you had.”

“Oh.”

I was expecting something a more badass reason where that name came from, but it turns out it was something more embarrassing (as expected of myself). But you know I gotta admit how cool I was for having a girlfriend, well, before the “baby boy” event.

“So, where am I--”

“Welcome to the ‘afterlife’, Henry Wilson. From now on, you’ll be called Alucard Maxwell. Your death? You died. When? I don’t fucking know. Where? Don’t expect me to answer that. One thing’s you need to know: Mr. God wants to give you a second chance in life, because of how fucking pathetic you were back then.”

“Second chance? I was that pathetic that even Mr. God gave me one out of pity?”

I can’t believe some divine being would take pity on me.

But sheesh, can’t she just say things without swearing? Sure, she can say one or two, but the way she speaks is very intoxicating. A bitch that loves to take on men, no matter how many there are. And you know, her boobs just bounce everywhere, like some paddle ball coming back and forth. Its movement just doesn’t let anyone get away with it. You look, you can’t look away. Oddly fascinating, I must admit.

“Mr. God loves everyone. In a sexual way or the other.”

She said like she didn’t mean it as she stirs a spoon on the smoking hot mug of coffee which, I swear to God, wasn’t there. What’s with this place and things appearing out of thin air? I feel like I shouldn’t be here.

“So what happens to me now? Do I like live in America again with a new family? I hope I’ll be more muscular and sexier in my next life.”

“Note to self: Men are all creeps. Geez, what’s with men and muscles anyway?”

“What’s with girls and shoes?”

Right now, she sounds like one of those awful girl teens who frequently complain about the people around them and how the world should work around them.

“This is getting tiresome. Let me tell you a word of advice: your decisions won’t lead to your death. You’ll die when you die. Let’s just say in your next life, you are the center of the universe. It will not favor you, but it will be reassured for you.”

“Wait, what does that mean? I still have a lot of questions to ask, like what’s this place and the whole thing you just said and the underwear you wear and--”

“Times up, baby boy. I’m just gonna sleep for a while. You should too or else you’ll shit you pants again.”

“I thought you just said I pissed them--”

“Good night… Baby boy…”

It was that time when I suddenly remembered about asking her name. Yeah it’s true she was a bitch and all, but it would leave a bad aftertaste in my mouth not knowing someone I met. Before I could, my vision began to blur and she vanished from plain sight.

With a lot of question in mind unanswered, I slowly shut my eyes from the drowsiness I suddenly felt. This surely felt weird, weirder than what I just heard. I don’t really know what will happen to me next, but I hope nothing life-threatening or that sort would occur to me. Well, I do wonder what the decisions part meant, but I’ll leave that for some other day.

Hoping I didn’t just jinx myself, I went into a deep slumber.